Dylan doesn’t eat dog hair any more when he’s mad but he does blow raspberries. Furious farty little raspberries, and it is both hilarious and maddening.

“Dylan! Get down from there, please.”

PBBBLT!”

I keep trying to get it on video because it’s really the sort of thing that needs to be seen and heard to be fully appreciated but by the time I locate the camera he’s usually dialed back down from his White Hot Mouthfart Rage and has moved on to the second stage, which involves picking up toys and throwing them back to the floor while staring directly at me in order to fully communicate how motherfucking pissed off he is that I intervened on behalf of his personal safety, HOW DARE I.

He is so very two lately, you know? Talking up a storm and basically an actual no-shit functioning kid in many ways, but with the emotional consistency of a SuperBall. The strangest things set him off, like if he doesn’t get to open the door first when I come home from work. God forbid Riley’s the one to turn the handle because it’s instant Dylan Armageddon, a meltdown of epic proportions that’s like being greeted by a rabid pitbull that’s also on fire and shooting bees out its ass and also its arm is a shark and it’s made out of poison.

We tell him to go to his room for a time out when he gets too firmly mired in jackass mode and I sort of can’t believe he actually complies but he does, shrieking all the way down the hall like a firebell before slamming the door halfway off its hinges. He stomps around and throws things and and sulks and blows farts for a while and howls “NO!” when I ask him if he’s ready to come out and then eventually he goes all Memento and comes strolling out like hey, what’s up, why’s everyone so tense?

Sometimes when he’s feeling affectionate he calls me MeeMee. “Hi MeeMee,” he’ll say, hugging my legs. Then he grins and bends over. “Look at my butt!”

Oh, two.

Screen shot 2010-06-10 at 11.24.57 AM

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Amanda
11 years ago

It’s far easier to see the hilarity when your former two year old demon is now nine.

Maureen
Maureen
11 years ago

“Goes all Memento” has to be one of the funniest things I have ever read. Oh Dylan, weren’t you a baby just like yesterday?

Veronica
Veronica
11 years ago

Good God the Memento reference. we live such similar lives… it literally freaks me out sometimes.

alomellin
alomellin
11 years ago

I just forwarded this to my husband. He thinks our son is “bad”, my response: no, he’s 2. It’s like you live at my house. I can’t tell you how many times, since I started reading your blog, that you have helped me to realize my child is not some freak of nature. I am amazed an how quickly he goes from fire-ass pissed to all la-la happy, what’s the problem? It makes my head spin. I think, what? is he bipolar? He spent about 30 mins in time out in his room yesterday b/c HE refused to come out. I would open the door and he would slam it shut and say “NO MOM!” Then he would proceed to cry for me? WTF????????

Alexa
11 years ago

Isn’t it weird when they actually do what you say? Simone will get something she isn’t allowed to have, and I will tell her to “bring that to mama,” and she DOES, even while pouting and loud-crying over it. The power! It shocks me every time.

Erica
Erica
11 years ago

oh gosh, we’re living parallel toddler lives! My little one (after calming down on the ‘naughty step’) calls out to me “I’m all better Mummy!”, and then is all sweet as molasses…. ‘why is everyone so tense’… SO true! LOL

June
11 years ago

My girl is just a couple months younger than Dylan, it’s good for me to see what developmental stages are coming up. :) We still do hug-hold timeouts b/c she sure as hell ain’t gonna stay in time out by herself. Maybe we’ll see if she can handle it alone one of these days.

Speaking of bizarre meltdowns – once, in the car, she took off her shoe, yay! She took off her sock, yay! And then she tried to take off HER FOOT – when it wouldn’t come off, SEETHING RAGE.

Sarah Lena
11 years ago

I wish we lived down the street from eachother so we could lock up our two year old boys and just watch them eat eachother alive.

And I try to do all of the stuff that freaking ParentCenter tells me to do. I give him limited choices.. blue shoes or black shoes today? And then he chooses: black shoes. And as we put on said black shoes NOOOOO OH GOD NO WHY BLACK SHOES MOMMA NOOO NOT BLACK SHOES!

And I weep and wish that I had more wine in the house. The end.

Lisa
Lisa
11 years ago

This:

“with the emotional consistency of a SuperBall”

is how it rolls at my house lately (like for over a year now).

Blah….

lisa
lisa
11 years ago

HA! he looks like such an angel in that picture…who would have thought

This post made me laugh so much!

“that’s like being greeted by a rabid pitbull that’s also on fire and shooting bees out its ass and also its arm is a shark and it’s made out of poison”

Linda- you are pure genius

Thanks for making my work day brighter, as usual

Erika
Erika
11 years ago

Yes, please get a video of him doing that. :)

april
11 years ago

Maybe we just need a giant cage to put them all in for a year or two. The tantrums drive me up the wall! Otherwise, my two-year old is so much fun, but he just gets so angry sometimes and for no reason. Sometimes I have to hold him while he fights and screams and sometimes I just put him in his room and get away from the yelling. And he makes me so mad! I try not to yell, but sometime I can’t help a swift smack to his rear because the behavior just drives me absolutely nuts! It makes me feel like such a bad mom.

6512 and growing
11 years ago

hmmm, but he looks like such an angel in that photo.

Emma
Emma
11 years ago

They all are the same. Obsessed with butts, booties, boo-boos (boobs?), poo-poo, etc. Then they giggle like it’s the most hilarious thing in the world. And they never change, from what I can tell…

parkingathome
11 years ago

Reading this was like desert. Every word was delicious

parkingathome
11 years ago

crap. dessert. Reading your blog is not like dying of heatstroke in the sand

Angella
11 years ago

LIKE BUTTON.

(You, him, the fact that I laughed out loud.)

MyFrogs
MyFrogs
11 years ago

Wait my 9 yr old sometimes acts like this except she calls me Possum. Yes I know there’s a silent O, but it’s not REALLY needed is it? One day she just decided that’s her new nick name for me.

Much Love,
Possum!

Wendy
11 years ago

My newly minted 2 year old (b-day on Monday) takes it very personally when I violate his personal freedoms. You know, like his freedom to fall on his head, his freedom to smash face first into the coffee table, his freedom to juggle knives. I save him and he screams “Away Mama! Away!” while shoving me. Delightful, really.

Becky Mochaface
11 years ago

So frakkin adorable that my uterus physically hurts.

Lisa May
11 years ago

I am trying and failing to eat lunch while reading this – I keep almost spitting my sandwich out because I’m laughing so hard. “Emotional consistency of a super ball” perfectly describes our two year old, too. Failing to observe proper (and totally mysterious) procedures results in weeping and rending of garments. Three seconds later? “Hi, mama!”,complete with hugs and batting of eyelashes. What the what?

And she’s so freaking bossy these days. “No mama do that,” she says, pushing my hand away as I try to keep her from plummeting to her death. (Except it comes out more like No! Mama! Do! Dat!) The pouty face that accompanies this never fails to crack me up, though.

Amy
Amy
11 years ago

I think I have his twin at my house!

Christen
Christen
11 years ago

The “Look at my butt!” just about killed me dead. And then that angelic photo…oh the cheeks. The CHEEKS!

Pieces of a Sometimes Extraordinary Life

I just blogged about the world’s most fearsome two year old…Sounds like Dylan comes in a close second, I’ll give you that, but still only second.

I have a newborn who’s already giving me attitude, that p’d off look when I dare to hand her a binky instead of a boobie, so I can already tell I’m in deep trouble…I’d say it’s good to be prepared, learn from the experiences of others, but since it sounds like nobody here has any answers I’m already tearing out my hair and rending my garments in preparation for complete misery.

So, thanks for that.

Deb
Deb
11 years ago

Three is the new Two, so it gets worse.

Have a good weekend!

Kirsty
11 years ago

Even though utterly adorable, reading about Dylan’s antics brings back those deeply embedded memories of when Lydie was 2 (Carla was no angel, either but a) it’s further back in time and b) her sister totally aced her on this one) and makes me give thanks to the God I don’t believe in that both 2 and 3 are now way, way behind me…
Good luck with this – oh and yeah, I found that 3 really wasn’t any better (sorry!), just more articulate and more attitude… But maybe that’s just Lydie, because even now, at 6, she’s still much more volatile than her sister, and totally capable of Memento-ism… *sigh* Maybe it’s second kids?

wordygirl
11 years ago

This sounds awfully familiar, I’ve got to send this to my husband! Thanks for hitting the nail on the head once again, Linda. Well done!

Jillian
Jillian
11 years ago

that face has some serious personality. its like he just tried to pick me up with a cheesy line and is now working on his recovery.

except, you know, he’s not 24 and creepy; he’s 2 and adorable.

Maria
11 years ago

We’re just starting to see “two” with our son as well. With my daughter it was always just throwing herself into a floor pounding heap, a relatively self contained tantrum. My boy is so much more physical, throwing things, kicking, and hitting objects and humans alike. It’s like a whole different kind of little animal, yet still strangely cute.

Zephyr
11 years ago

Has he figured out armpit farts? or even more popular (although lesser known) straw armpit farts? Where you stick the straw into your armpit and blow through it so it make juice fat noises AND makes your armpit feel like it just sharted. Classic, gross and hilarious.

Brenna
11 years ago

Oh man, I almost pissed myself at that Memento reference.

Marci
Marci
11 years ago

omg, my son just has his first serious meltdown yesterday, (15 mo.) It stunned us! This describes it perfectly, and I laughed until I almost cried. Thank you!!

Melissa
Melissa
11 years ago

Hilarious.

elz
elz
11 years ago

A pitbull with bees flying out of its butt-perfect description. So glad we’re past the 2s, 3s suck too though…

Christine
11 years ago

This is exactly the description of my two year old little boy and his two-ness. OMG, I laughed so hard I cried over the raging pitbull on fire with bees and a shark-arm and poison!

Aaahhhh….gotta love them, though. :)

Lesley
Lesley
11 years ago

“Oh two” indeed!

Sounds like Dylan is Dennis the Menace/Calvin, with a touch of Jack Nicholson in the Shining (if Jack Nicholson were two).

Love the photo.

Katherine
Katherine
11 years ago

Linda, I love your descriptive antics, but June’s comment made me snort out loud:

“Speaking of bizarre meltdowns – once, in the car, she took off her shoe, yay! She took off her sock, yay! And then she tried to take off HER FOOT – when it wouldn’t come off, SEETHING RAGE.”

Too effing hilarious. I know a kid that would grab handfulls of his own hair and yank–then scream like someone was torturing him.

Mamma-M
11 years ago

Haha gotta thank God for happy, healthy children that crack you up with their freaking ridiculous declarations and ticks…mines think is throwing something when I say hes not allowed to get it. At that point I just say, “Uhm thanks for making it easy on me. You just threw that toy behind the couch where you can’t reach it rather than continuing to hit your sister on the head with it.”

JAB
JAB
11 years ago

I must say I read more often then I comment, but I relate so much to so much that you share. I have two boys (7 & 5) and an 18 month old daughter. My 5 year old still acts like a 2 year old much of the time—if his older brother dares to open his baby sister’s door first in the morning he has a full-fledged freak attack. It’s crazy how the silliest things can set them off.

And, I loved your Memento reference!

beach
beach
11 years ago

Too dang cute. Believe it or not these stories will make him laugh when he is a teenager. My kids can’t believe all the bullshit we had to put up with from them. It is hard to appreciate the hilarity of it when you are living it…..but these are your crazy family history moments. Try to enjoy…heehee.

Deanna
Deanna
11 years ago

Get it on film!
My then 2-3 yr old would slap himself in the face to to stay awake when he would start to droze off. Full on slap in the face and get pissed that he was falling asleep. It was funny! But we could never catch it on film. And only a family friend ever saw him do it besides us (and he about fell over laughing at it!).

Heather
11 years ago

I have one of those! Functioning kid, emotional wreck. Since you don’t drink I’ll have one for you!
Is that wrong?

Violet
Violet
11 years ago

I think my son is living at your house! I’m with alomellin – my husband thinks we must be doing something wrong, not discipling right, for him to act like that. He’s 2! One minute he’s flinging toys and saying “go ‘WAY Mommy!” and the next it’s “Mommy hug?”.

And he loves the camera… every time I try to catch him on video, he runs over and trys to take it from me! Do you know how hard it is to take video of a 2-year-old secretly?

Amanda Blair
11 years ago

bahahahahaha. I am hysterical every time I read your blog. You write so well! You should write a book… seriously.

Sarah
Sarah
11 years ago

“comes strolling out like hey, what’s up, why’s everyone so tense?” hilarious.

Kami
11 years ago

In response to Deb, who commented above, 3 may be the new 2, but 4 is the new 3. Right, Linda?

Gosh I love kids.

willikat
11 years ago

This post is so awesome. . . best part is the description of Dylan’s body with a shark arm made of poison, etc. That is definitely a two-year-old meltdown.

Sonia
Sonia
11 years ago

June’s comment made me snort and then spit tea on my laptop. LMFAO!!!!!!!!! How UNFAIR that her FOOT couldn’t be removed! *crying with laughter*

Swistle
11 years ago

He looks so much like you. And so much like JB. And so much like you. And so much like JB.

Steph
11 years ago

He is SO cute it is almost criminal!! I actually prefer two to three. I am firmly rooted in the 3’s right now and the only difference really is that at 3 they can verbalize and they use words they’ve heard that they really shouldn’t use.