I’m not going to write a whole post about how incredibly maddening two year olds can be because 1) most of you already know this, 2) somebody always feels compelled to remind me that three is worse which SHUT UP THAT IS NOT HELPING, and 3) two year olds are also so incredibly awesome, and I don’t even know how to describe how living with one is like taking an express elevator from heaven to hell and back all fucking day long.

I do, however, feel compelled to share this image with you. This is my beloved son, throwing a massive temper tantrum about being forced to go play in the backyard on a lovely summery evening, and subsequently furiously trying to jam a rubber ball in his mouth while screaming at me.

photo

Oh god, this kid. He is just killing me lately, in about a million different ways.

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Mrs.  Flinger
11 years ago

Love.It. In like a million different ways.

DeenutsDana
11 years ago

He really looks like Riley in that picture!

I have a two year old and you really hit the nail on the head with that description!

samantha jo campen
11 years ago

He’s just really all about cramming stuff in his mouth when he’s upset isn’t he? The dog hair is long gone and now replaced with rubber balls?

elz
elz
11 years ago

One of our friends always says, “Good thing God makes babies and kids so darn cute, or else you’d be really tempted to leave them somewhere.”

yaya
yaya
11 years ago

This is my child exactly. He is 3.3 and when he is upset or screaming (often) he is cramming things in his mouth, most often his fingers…he has these terrible bite marks on his little knuckles and he gags but he won’t stop doing it. For a little while I was concerned thinking he had some condition or disorder but then realized, nope…just general 3yr old frustration and crazy ass emotions boiling up until they jump out of his skin and present themselves to us: in the form of cramming crap into his mouth while throwing a fit, usually about playing or doing something totally horrific, like brushing teeth or putting on PJ’s…awesome.

Andrea
Andrea
11 years ago

I have 1.5 an 3.5 boys. I teach full time, but thought it would be a great idea to keep them home with me the WHOLE summer. I am going out of my mind. Also, I love them.:)

Christina
11 years ago

I was going to say better than having him bite you/the dog/his brother but I guess you said that ;)

At any rate, I hear ya and mind you I am still a month way from 2… She is the devil and an angel all rolled up into one. This morning she roared to life screaming bitterly at 5:30a and did not stop screaming/crying for a good 90 minutes after for no apparent reason other than I think (seriously) that she liked the sound of the scream in her throat?! Then like a huge storm passing she was laughing her ever loving arse off. Of course I was leaving for work by that time. The fuck?

AndreAnna
11 years ago

Like Sam said, I guess it’s a step up from dog hair? Ha.

I never thought one person could simultaneously make me love them so much I can’t breathe and also want to hurl myself over a bridge because ONLY THEN WILL THE AGONY END.

Two-year old boys: Life’s bipolar teacup humans.

warcrygirl
11 years ago

That is hilarous. Have you gotten any of these tantrums on video? Save them and show them to him later. I’ve got an 11 and an 8 year old; lately our biggest battle is bathing and brushing teeth. Sometimes I wish the 8 year old would shove a ball into his own mouth if only to stifle the constant noise. Is that horrible enough to warrant a disclaimer about how much I do love my kids?

MichelleH
MichelleH
11 years ago

I definitely have the same problem with my almost two year old and that elevator you wrote about is an absolutely perfect description. I was trying to explain it to a childless friend the other day…like, no I am not unhappy at all….I just experience really low moments alternating with life-affirming bouts of euphoria, every hour or so. My little guy LOVES to shove all the most horrifying things into his mouth when he’s pissed. I think the problem is two-fold. I think he’s been cranky this week because he’s got the last of his molars coming in and also because as much as I try to ignore and downplay it, he usually gets a spectacular reaction out of me when he does it, something like me flailing my arms and going “WHY..?!?!” because usually I know he knows better and I also know for a fact that the taste and texture of the thing he’s putting in his mouth is horrendous. Gotta hand it to him as far as commitment to making his point goes.

also, um the title of this post almost made me do a spit-take at my desk, so thank you for that :)

Jenn
Jenn
11 years ago

My 3 1/2 yr old boy is very similar to your Dylan. The 2’s were very trying times but the 3’s…fantastic! He totally turned the corner when he could communicate better and wasn’t so frustrated. He has become such a happy little dude. I think he just hated being a baby.

penne
11 years ago

2 year boy = 13 year old boy. Just as maddening/lovable, only bigger than me.

Maria
11 years ago

Oh man, is that just the coloring in the photo or is he actually that red faced pissed?

Michelle
11 years ago

Holy hell, I’m still laughing over the gimp comment in your title. HA!

I think you might be right on both counts on why he shoves things in his mouth. Interesting, for sure.

I’m on an elevator to heaven and hell and back all day but it isn’t the express. It seems to want to stop on every single floor so that I can thoroughly enjoy every single nuance and mood swing. Whee! Also, blergh.

Kim
Kim
11 years ago

Hey, wanna swap for my 4-year-old Jekyll and Hyde? He can be really cute sometimes… sometimes…

Andrea
Andrea
11 years ago

Wait until he’s stuck in a cube-farm from 8-5 everyday. He will then WISH for careless summer days spent outside PLAYING all day.

Kid’s got it rough.

Heh.

Amy
Amy
11 years ago

Linda….no relation to this post, but was just reading some local news and saw this article.
http://www.sacbee.com/2010/07/09/2880066/zombies-to-creep-down-streets.html

I thought of you immediately!!

adequatemom
11 years ago

Hi! I have a two-year-old daughter, and reading your posts about how “terribawesome” two-year-olds are is such a wonderful experience. I want to forward the posts to everyone I know and scream, “THIS IS WHAT IT’S LIKE!” You capture it so well. The post a little while ago comparing Dylan to a rabid wolf whose arm is a shark and bees are flying out of his ass? Yes. That is our house too. Thanks for the commisseration!

PS I also agree with you about the awesomeness of two-year-olds – I wouldn’t trade this stage for all the newborn snuggles in the world!

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
11 years ago

HA! Bring out the Gimp.

My sister used to shove her fingers in her mouth, grab her bottom jaw and make this angry arr, arr, arr sound when she was really mad. It’s hard to explain but it was hilarious!

telegirl
telegirl
11 years ago

God, I hope that’s not the dog’s slobbery ball. I know labs and… :o)

Deb
Deb
11 years ago

You didn’t find it helpful when I said three was worse? Here, how’s this –

When he turns three, everything will magically adjust and be so awesome, rainbows will shoot out of your ass.

(I can’t even keep a straight face writing that, but hey – let’s keep hope alive)

Kami
11 years ago

My two year old is even bossier than my four year old, if that’s possible. I swear to God, if another person under four feet tall tells me what to do, I’ll eat them.

bec
bec
11 years ago

We’re just stumbling into this with our freshly-minted 18-month-old. Some favorite moves thus far:

Yesterday woke up, walked around his room furiously pointing at things and yelling “Mine!” with an enormous grin on his face.

When he gets furious, he’ll take whatever snack or food is in his mouth, snatch it out and furiously throw it on the ground. Kind of a reverse Dylan.

When I tell him to stop something, he’ll make a special trip over to me to wave his finger in my face scolding “No, no, no!”

We are so excited for actual 2, and even more for 3.

VeryBloggy
11 years ago

“living with one is like taking an express elevator from heaven to hell and back all fucking day long” OMG, there ya go. I’ve been trying to express that in words for the past 2 months.

Lesley
Lesley
11 years ago

Looks like he’s moved on from eating dog fur (or maybe the dog has no fur left on her to be consumed?).

Kirsty
11 years ago

Although my younger daughter was difficult when she was 3, she was still much easier than when she was 2… And 4 was better than 3, 5 was better than 4 and I’m hoping 6 will be good (she was 6 at the end of April)… So keep that in mind! Yes, 3 is hard, but NOTHING compared to the hell/heaven combo that is 2…
Hang in there, this too shall pass (I’m really liking 6 and 8, by the way…).

Melissa
Melissa
11 years ago

My two year old was up from 12:00 to 3:00 a.m. last night. Not screaming but yelling “All Aboard!” and things of that nature. (did I mention the newborn he keeps waking up?) Not cute….plus what is with all of the biting? Took a chunk out of my skin the other day for no reason. Damn this is a hard stage. I hear you.

Marolyn
Marolyn
11 years ago

Ya know what.. besides snorting when I read the gimp title and then saw the pic….your blog/comment section is like one big online MA meeting ( Mom’s Anonymous ). Where everyone knows what you’re going thru and a place where you feel free enough to say exactly how you feel without beeing judged.
Kinda cool huh?

Sarah
11 years ago

LOL! That makes me think of my youngest!! She’s 4 now and still throws ridiculous fits about things. But, my girls are TOTAL drama queens…so I’m growing immune to it (not so sure that’s a GOOD thing)

Lisa
11 years ago

I had to read that first paragraph outloud to my husband. Our two year old also does the tantrums where he stops completely to move to a location where you can better see him and then throws himself back down again to scream and flail.

Belle
Belle
11 years ago

Heh. I can remember the summer our daughter was two. By Memorial Day, I was shouting at my husband “I HATE SUMMER!” because I was having to watch her every minute of every day, outside or in. God forbid we not let her do exactly what SHE wanted! Temper, oh my.

This post, and that incredibly awesome photo of Dylan, certainly took me back, oh, about 28 years! :)

Christine
11 years ago

Unrelated, but thanks for putting back your links list on the home page. I really like your links, and it was a pain to have to click through to the separate page for them. So, you know, thanks from this particular stranger for that little thing.

Linda
11 years ago

Christine: sorry, but that’s going away. My site got hacked and I’m in the process of restoring it.

Lena
11 years ago

Oh my gawad, I just yelled at my girls today (they are 3 – and it’s not worse, per se, it’s just _different_) because they wouldn’t go outside to play.

:danielle:
:danielle:
11 years ago

I know this is really frustrating right now, but someday when he’s the World Champion Hot Dog Eater you’ll look back at all this and realize it was just part of his training.

Brooke
11 years ago

Our lives with two-year-olds are creepily similar. I TOTALLY GET the elevator analogy. I actually shouted at my two-year-old that I hated him yesterday. He is the un-maker of fun. Just when you think you’re having a good time with him and want to take a picture of him in his adorable fire man hat, he grabs your phone and throws it to the floor. So, yeah, I’m right there with you.

Redbecca
Redbecca
11 years ago

Mine (almost 3y) has this steam whistle shriek that stops people in their tracks (literally. You should have seen the statues in the grocery store this weekend) when he doesn’t get his way. I swear I’ve lost more hearing in the last 6 months than I did all my years in high school and college cranking the music to 11.

Bo
Bo
11 years ago

Here is what I do with my kid when he is way to upset to tell me what is wrong. I tell him to go sit down somewhere (anywhere but not close to me) until he can calm down and tell me what is wrong. Does it work?… No not really.