Yesterday I picked up the boys from school and as we inched our way home through traffic a police car went screaming by in the other direction, lights flashing.

“AN AMBULANCE!” Dylan cried joyously, and Riley withered him with a glance.

“No, DYLAN, it’s a—”

“A FIRE ENGINE!!!

After we got Dylan squared away on his grasp of siren-producing vehicles, we all proceeded to have a nice long conversation about police. The entire way way home, I answered question after question as Riley hammered me, 5-year-old-Geraldo-style.

“The police are for bad guys, right?”

“Well, they catch bad guys, yes. But they also help good guys.”

“What do they to do you if you’re bad?”

“Um, well, sometimes they take you to jail. Or sometimes they just pull you over, like if you’re going too fast.”

“What they do then?”

“They write you a ticket.”

“And then you have to give them all your money, right?”

“Well, not all your money. You have to pay a fine.”

“What’s the fine for?”

“Okay, you know how when you get in trouble sometimes Mommy or Daddy sends you to your room? And you don’t like that?”

“Yeah.”

“A fine is like being sent to your room. They do it so hopefully you think about what you did wrong and you don’t do it again.”

“So then you don’t drive fast any more?”

“Right. Well, in theory, anyway.”

We chatted about jail and bad guys and traffic fines the entire way home, and just as I had turned onto 16th street and was 30 seconds from my house I saw an odd sight in the road in front of me. A guy was stepping out into the road and . . . pointing something at me? And he had a helmet on? And—

It was a cop. With a radar gun.

So we got to wrap up our nice lesson about police and traffic safety with Mommy getting a goddamned cocksucking speeding ticket.

While I sat there on the side of the road mumbling and slapping my forehead and thinking about fines and insurance premiums, the kids were going bugshit in the backseat. “A COPPICEMAN!” Dylan howled with pure glee. “AN’ HE HAS A MOTORCYCLE!”

Riley leaned forward and said, “Now you’re going to have to give him all your money, Mom! Shouldn’t have been driving too fast, right? Riiiiiight? Are you thinking about what you did wrong?”

Later, the kids ran wild in the living room “arresting” each other with their brand-new police stickers, handed over by Mr. Fucking Radar Gun himself.

Lesson learned: next time, spend drive home discussing, with great detail, how the lottery works.


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Junni
Junni
13 years ago

This is so beautiful.

I’m sorry you got a speeding ticket, but my god that story just made my day so much funnier.

wm
wm
13 years ago

Too funny!

Erin
Erin
13 years ago

Well, shit. If it wasn’t so funny it would just be sad.

js
js
13 years ago

Oh God, I’m DYING! I realize it’s a shitty thing that happened, but I can’t stop laughing!

Vicki
Vicki
13 years ago

OK, so I never comment, but this made me laugh out loud. Sorry you got a ticket.

Bobbie
Bobbie
13 years ago

Another hilarious (if expensive) story to share with the girls–Man, they must love to see you coming!

warcrygirl
13 years ago

I tempted to laugh but I know if I do I’ll be the next one getting a ticket and I have lots of driving to do tomorrow. Next time the kids misbehave write them a “ticket” and see how THEY like it. ;)

Christina
13 years ago

I would have said ‘Quick kids Mommy’s going to teach you about HOW TO GET OUT OF A TICKET. Start screaming and crying and freaking out. I will be up here all red faced and I am going to start crying too. THIS IS HOW YOU GET OUT OF A TICKET! And go.’ I kid… maybe.

Dude, sorry bummer about the ticket.

Erin
13 years ago

I just hooted out loud. I am so sorry, but holy smacks is this funny.

Can’t wait to see you!!!

Felicia
Felicia
13 years ago

I cannot even believe the irony. But you definitely made me smile today, so thanks.

Camels & Chocolate
13 years ago

WoW. Moral of this story? Irony’s a bitch. So are coppicemen.

Pete
Pete
13 years ago

I’ve been teaching my 15 year old how to drive and giving him pointer. While working on my wife’s condo we were making our 4th trip to Home Depot for the day. As I was pulling out of the parking spot I turned to sharp, to early and ran a pipe through the fibreglass flare over my dually wheels ($900 damage). I turn to my son and said “Remember when I said to always pay attention when you are driving? Well this is what happens when you don’t”

My favorite Demotivator poster shows a picture of a sunked ship with the Caption…
“It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.”
sometimes I feel that is my life with kids.

Erica
Erica
13 years ago

I’m sitting here at my desk with a mouth full of coffee, laughing, making a “hoop hoop” sound to try to not spit or drool it on my keyboard. So utterly funny. I’m sorry to laugh at your misfortune! :D

Katie
Katie
13 years ago

Oh, crap. I’ve been had by the radar-gun-in-the-road trick too. It took me forever to realize what was happening. Makes for a good story though!

Victoria
13 years ago

Sorry about the ticket, but cutest story EVER!

MRW
MRW
13 years ago

Well crap, I’ve talked to my kids about how the lottery works a number of times and yet still no winnings. Sucks.

Donna
Donna
13 years ago

“Are you thinking about what you did wrong?”

ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!

Kids, you gotta love em.

Renee
Renee
13 years ago

omg that is toooooo funny. Sorry about the ticket!!

C @ Kid Things
13 years ago

That’s awesome. Well, I’m sure the ticket sucks. But the timing, that’s awesome.

Tony
13 years ago

Unrelated question. How much did you charge JB for the Vioguard ad? :)

Maria
13 years ago

Dude. That’s just a heaping vat o’ suckage right there. Funny suckage, but suckage none the less.

Allison
13 years ago

Oh, this has me laughing! Sorry about the ticket, but at least you have a good story, right?

Gina
13 years ago

I’m sorry you got a ticket and all, but that shit is FUNNY.

Megs
13 years ago

Ughhhh, that SUCKS! Irony at its finest.

Jen
Jen
13 years ago

Man, that stinks. I work in Bellevue, and I’ve noticed cops everywhere with their radar guns a-blazing — on Bellevue Way, on-ramps to 520. It’s so weird to see them standing outside their vehicles, too, just pointing at people to pull over. What a power trip that must be. “YOU! Get over here.”

Amy
Amy
13 years ago

I just had to comment because I was driving with my almost 5 year old daughter yesterday and she was literally asking almost the same exact questions about the police, bad guys etc. She was especially intrigued about what things are against the law and what type of punishments people get when they break it. In the midst of this discussion, I went the wrong way and had to an illegal turn around and made a comment about how mommy was breaking the law which of course then spurred even more questions! Luckily for me though, I didn’t officially get busted! Sorry for your luck, but thank you for making me laugh!

karion
karion
13 years ago

For what it is worth – I haven’t received a ticket in like 10 years, but have received TWO in the past six months.

Something is going on in Washington – it seems that traffic cops are everywhere. Both tickets were on the freeway, going about 10 miles over the speed limit. Yes, I realize I am speeding if I am going 10 over the speed limit, but for 20 some odd years of driving, that was NEVER a problem.

kelby
kelby
13 years ago

when i was 15, my father was lecturing me about speeding in a 25 mph zone and promptly got a ticket. he just looked at me and said, “don’t say anything and don’t tell your mother.” we still laugh about it. someday you will too…

Trina
Trina
13 years ago

The Bellevue Police don’t mess around when it comes to traffic violations. My husband works in Bellevue and has been pulled over for having a tail light out, having a broken tail light, not having a front plate on his car (they actually were going to write him a ticket for it and he said I will have my wife bring the plate out and I will put it on my car today. They gave me 3 hours to get out there with the plate and they came back to his work and checked to make sure it was on.) Now, even worse is my friends parents live in Hunts Point and the husband went to pick up the kid from the grandparents house and he got pulled over for not having a nice enough car to be driving in that neighborhood at that time of night.

Cara
Cara
13 years ago

I know it wasn’t funny to you, but Lord I’m laughing so loud I startled the baby.

Chloe
Chloe
13 years ago

At least he was nice enough to give your kids sticker!

I am a goddamn cocksucking optimist, yo.

serror
serror
13 years ago

The Bellevue PD are only surpassed in traffic traffic stop ridiculousness by the Mercer Island PD who once pulled me over for going 27 in a 25 zone. I kid you not.

But awesome story! Sorry about your ticket, but it seemed to make the kids night!

penne
13 years ago

Raised insurance premiums and a fine, but hey! Free Stickers!!!

kristylynne
kristylynne
13 years ago

OMG, that may be the funniest post you’ve ever written! Our kid got a huge kick out of it when Daddy got a ticket one time, too. I didn’t. :-)

Judy
Judy
13 years ago

I laughed my butt off at your tweet about this yesterday (and replied, telling you what awesome parenting it is to educate your children about our fine men in whatever color AND arrange for a demonstration. Today I’m laughing even harder. I know it’s not funny, but my god, you tell it that way.

ElizabethZ
ElizabethZ
13 years ago

What a great story – Riley’s comment asking if you were “thinking about what you had done” is priceless. LMAO.

Sorry about the ticket tho’ – that sucks.

Pam
Pam
13 years ago

ROFL!! I may have peed my pants a little, sorry…

My 4yo daughter unbuckled her car seat to stick her head out the window to ask the officer who stopped me if “Mommy was going to jail”. I think she was secretly hoping I would.

Amy
Amy
13 years ago

That is seriously the best story I’ve heard in a long time. At least shitty life events make for great blog fodder.

Kristy
13 years ago

Sorry about your ticket. That COPPICEMAN sucks! Now go serve your time out. :-)

telegirl
telegirl
13 years ago

I know I shouldn’t be laughing but. That. Was. Hilarious!

Dana
13 years ago

Didn’t see that part of the story coming — and haven’t laughed that hard in a long, long time!

Laura
Laura
13 years ago

Awesomeness! I imagine that with your boys going crazy with happiness in the car, you made that cop’s day. Maybe he needed a good day, you never know.

Dawna
Dawna
13 years ago

The cops on The Westside (yo) are really ballsy. The first time I ever had one step out and aim one of those things at me I was so confused… they just wait on the side of the road over here!

Valria
13 years ago

P R I C E L E S S

Meggish
Meggish
13 years ago

“Are you thinking about what you did wrong?”

Oh ha hee hee, I’m so sorry. I almost peed myself laughing. That sucks! (hee hee)

Amanda
Amanda
13 years ago

Dude. My fiance is a police officer, and I’m a police/emergency medical/911 dispatcher for the same agency, and can I just tell you that EVERYONE IN THE WORLD FUCKING HATES US? Like, even most children. They point. AND FLIP OFF. So for real, thank you for explaining to your boys what police officers do, without adding “run from them if you can” and “They’re cocksuckers”… You’d be amazed how many parents do. (Even if yeah, we’re cocksuckers and YES, most of us ran from the police when we were younger and less… badgey.)

You’re awesome and the irony killed me dead.

Melinda
Melinda
13 years ago

The whole “are you thinking about what you did wrong?” from Riley is just killing me dead. So sorry about your ticket. My sister and nephew had a similar experience when he was Riley’s age in which she did something and suffered some type of natural consequences from her actions and my nephew parroted back the phrase she’d with him used before “See what happens?” which has now become family folklore.

Gnometree
13 years ago

I’m sorry, but I can’t help but laugh at that. That is just to precious. I love that your cops hand out stickers – like you get punished but the kids get a reward!
I can hear it now: “Mum Mum MUUUUUUUM! Drive faster. I want another sticker”

Mary
Mary
13 years ago

Hahahahaha! Last speeding ticket I got, I had two boys the same age in the back seat. We were over in Eastern WA, and I asked them please not to say anything to dad right away, I wanted to tell him at a good moment. So of course, seven hours later they tumble out of the car screaming, “Daddy! Guess what! Mommy got a TICKET! From a POLICEMAN!!!” Sigh.

The good news is that they’re old enough to drive themselves now, and they still remember that day. And the only time either of them has been stopped by a cop was once to tell him he was driving too slow for conditions.

Ann
Ann
13 years ago

I got a speeding ticket with our three little kids in tow. The police officer gave each of them a “sports card” of the police canine he had in his car. So.. me, trying to keep my infraction on the down-low, and the three kids? SOooo happy to share their experience and canine card with their father.