Yesterday I picked up the boys from school and as we inched our way home through traffic a police car went screaming by in the other direction, lights flashing.

“AN AMBULANCE!” Dylan cried joyously, and Riley withered him with a glance.

“No, DYLAN, it’s a—”

“A FIRE ENGINE!!!

After we got Dylan squared away on his grasp of siren-producing vehicles, we all proceeded to have a nice long conversation about police. The entire way way home, I answered question after question as Riley hammered me, 5-year-old-Geraldo-style.

“The police are for bad guys, right?”

“Well, they catch bad guys, yes. But they also help good guys.”

“What do they to do you if you’re bad?”

“Um, well, sometimes they take you to jail. Or sometimes they just pull you over, like if you’re going too fast.”

“What they do then?”

“They write you a ticket.”

“And then you have to give them all your money, right?”

“Well, not all your money. You have to pay a fine.”

“What’s the fine for?”

“Okay, you know how when you get in trouble sometimes Mommy or Daddy sends you to your room? And you don’t like that?”

“Yeah.”

“A fine is like being sent to your room. They do it so hopefully you think about what you did wrong and you don’t do it again.”

“So then you don’t drive fast any more?”

“Right. Well, in theory, anyway.”

We chatted about jail and bad guys and traffic fines the entire way home, and just as I had turned onto 16th street and was 30 seconds from my house I saw an odd sight in the road in front of me. A guy was stepping out into the road and . . . pointing something at me? And he had a helmet on? And—

It was a cop. With a radar gun.

So we got to wrap up our nice lesson about police and traffic safety with Mommy getting a goddamned cocksucking speeding ticket.

While I sat there on the side of the road mumbling and slapping my forehead and thinking about fines and insurance premiums, the kids were going bugshit in the backseat. “A COPPICEMAN!” Dylan howled with pure glee. “AN’ HE HAS A MOTORCYCLE!”

Riley leaned forward and said, “Now you’re going to have to give him all your money, Mom! Shouldn’t have been driving too fast, right? Riiiiiight? Are you thinking about what you did wrong?”

Later, the kids ran wild in the living room “arresting” each other with their brand-new police stickers, handed over by Mr. Fucking Radar Gun himself.

Lesson learned: next time, spend drive home discussing, with great detail, how the lottery works.


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Mary @ Tips&Treasures
11 years ago

Omg that was too friggin funny. Obviously, it may not be quite that funny to you. But thanks, I needed to end my day with a good laugh :)

Jen
Jen
11 years ago

The biggest pain-in-the-a$$ experiences sometimes reap the best stories. “Are you thinking about what you did wrong?” Ha ha ha ha!!!

Trish
Trish
11 years ago

When I was student-teaching, I got two tickets on the same day. On the same street. I guess I didn’t think about what I did wrong quite enough.

Jennie
11 years ago

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I totally didn’t expect you to say that next, I realize it’s probably not very funny for you right now, but oh man. Too adorable/hilarious. Wow, I’m really sorry you got a speeding ticket…it’s just…this sort of thing happens to me all the time. Try to teach a kid something and then it goes ahead and takes that opportunity to bite you squarely in the ass. ;) I’m going to have to try those lottery talks myself.

Penny
Penny
11 years ago

Recently my parents came here for my daughters high school graduation. My dad insisted on driving because my mom is a crazy speed demon, so she lets him drive. On the way, he passes a slow car in front of him, accelerating right into a radar gun. Needless to say he got a speeding ticket and will NEVER live it down because of how much he complained about Mom going to fast so he would do the driving. I couldn’t help but laugh ….everyone but him has thus far seen the irony and humor in it!

Jeamette
11 years ago

Let me know if that lottery thing works….

shygirl
shygirl
11 years ago

Wow. Clearly you have this whole “visualize and it will manifest” thing down better than we realized! Now just do the same thing with regard to your house, and you’ll be moving before you know it ;)

Lesley
Lesley
11 years ago

Priceless.

I hope they both remember this when they get their first speeding ticket. Boys. Speed. Duh!

Stacy
Stacy
11 years ago

Hilarious. Not the ticket, that sucks, but man, I laughed and laughed at your account of your boys from start to finish. The whole “Are you thinking about what you did wrong?” was pee-your-pants-funny icing on a hysterical-post cake.

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11 years ago

The Holy Bible’s Influence on Herman Melville and Others …

The Moral Liberal Lookin’ at ya…

Midwest Potato
11 years ago

My daughter enjoys playing a game called “Help, help, I’m in jail!” We were at a spray park on the wrong side of town the other day, with daughter pretending she was in jail and I had to rescue her…I looked around and thought, a good number of these kids’ daddies are in jail right now — let’s play a different game, huh?

susan
susan
11 years ago

Not related to this post but saw your twitter update re: minocycline. YES, this can cause headaches. I’ve had problems with the related doxycline causing really bad, persistent headaches.

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11 years ago

The American Scholar—The Education…

The Moral Liberal Lookin’ at ya…

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11 years ago

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The Moral Liberal Lookin’ at ya…

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11 years ago

Study Finds Freshman Summer Reading Lightweight and Leftist…

The Moral Liberal Lookin’ at ya…

Brooke
11 years ago

Oh, Jesus, I’m really sorry, but I haven’t laughed that hard in weeks.

Shannon Dawson
Shannon Dawson
11 years ago

I would say it was a great story,but it wasn’t because all your curse words took over. Seriously the story would have been one of those great old stories that you would have been able to actually share with your kids and grandkids, but Lord knows you will not be able to after using such fowl mouthed language. I was really enjoying your blog until I came upon this one. I will definitely not be reading your blog in the future. I will however be keeping you & your family in my prayers. God Bless you and your family.

Jen
Jen
11 years ago

Wow, am I the only one stunned by the above poster? There’s…4…”foul mouthed” words in this entry?? I guess, good riddance, eh, Sundry?