I forgot to tell you guys about the Marmaduke dog at BlogHer. Those of you who were there, you probably witnessed the magic that was this dog’s rear view, but for those who didn’t get a chance to enjoy, let me just tell you that this dog had the biggest nutsack I’ve ever seen in my life. I mean, not that I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time cataloguing and comparing the testicles of various male animals, but if I had, this dog was surely the blue-prize winner. There they hung, a swinging spermsack metronome, fleshy and pendulous and oddly mesmerizing. I suppose the sight of this majestically-endowed dog was supposed to make me smile and think fondly of wholesome family cartoons, but my mind went to a helpless dark place and I saw a tiny cramped bar in Mexico, a woman with few inhibitions, and Marmaduke: masked, undignified, and pile-driving her from behind while a violent flesh-against-flesh slapping sound fills the air.

Why was there a Great Dane wandering BlogHer, you ask? Good question, and one I don’t have an answer to. I guess someone was promoting Marmaduke, the movie? Which I would rather rip off my own face Poltergeist-style than be forced to watch, although now I’m a little curious about whether they green-screened the giant balls for the PG rating or what.

In keeping with the inappropriate theme, this was in my BlogHer swag bag:

j8vc

What time is it? TIME FOR SAUSAGE THAT’S WHAT TIME IT IS.

In conclusion, I leave you with an image that sums up my warm memories of the best sponsors of BlogHer. Oh, there were another companies whose products I enjoyed, but when I think back, misty-eyed, to this amazing weekend, my thoughts will inevitably turn to sausages and balls.

blgr10

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Anonymous
Anonymous
11 years ago

Jimmy Dean just made up for every cent of marketing budget they spent last week.

Also, you crack me up Linda. It’ll be a while before I can walk down the freezer aisle without snickering.

Francie
11 years ago

You are hilarious. That’s the first real-life version of truck nuts I’ve ever seen.

Kirsty
11 years ago

OK, so while obviously Marmaduke and his, er, appendages are both hilarious and mesmerising, can you just clear up one tiny thing for me? I’ve looked at your “sausage-on-a-stick” add very closely and it appears to claim that you guys eat SAUSAGES wrapped in PANCAKES (OK, I can just about get that)that contain CHOCOLATE CHIPS. Am I hallucinating, or just too European to understand this? I’m afraid it’s a bit like the Canadian thing of bacon-with-everything-including-cupcakes, which makes my stomach churn too…
But really, I’m curious, really curious…
Oh, and I’m hoping that someday, when I win the lottery (that I don’t even play) I, too, will be able to jet across the Atlantic (and more, possibly) to attend BlogHer – it sounds so much fun!

akeeyu
akeeyu
11 years ago

Holy hell, those are…wow.

MichelleH
MichelleH
11 years ago

Wow. That bar in Mexico. It’s like….well, it’s like I was there. So descriptive. With the sound effects and everything. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Although, that sausage on a stick (with a mother-effin’ chocolate chip pancake wrapped around it..?!?!) is waaaaay more offensive than Marmaduke’s disgrace, I must say.

Sounds like BlogHer is a hilarious good time and I’m so glad it worked out that you were able to go :)

abbie dahl
11 years ago

not sure which of these turns my stomach more – dog balls or sausage wrapped in a chocolate chip pancake on a stick. So glad I read this after lunch!

Sundry
Sundry
11 years ago

Kirsty: the faux corndogs they were handing out at the Jimmy Dean booth didn’t have the chocolate chips, so I didn’t know about those until I searched out the product image. It’s . . . WOW, right? Sausage. Pancake. Chocolate. ALL TOGETHER ON A STICK.

Gretchen
11 years ago

I’m pretty sure my boss walked in just as I scrolled down to the balls picture. She snuck out before I could include her in the hilarity. Holy Big Balls Batman!

Jeff
Jeff
11 years ago

Ummmmmm….. thanks for sharing?

birdgal (another amy)
birdgal (another amy)
11 years ago

Damn you and your giant dog balls and sausage products (ew?), I’m crying (and snorting!) at my desk!

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
11 years ago

Um, ya, I had a 196 pound Neapolitan Mastiff and before he was fixed it was pretty obscene around here. My other dog is an 80 pound Pit bull mix and when the vet neutered him (I was there) she said he had the biggest set of balls she had ever seen. Then she held them up to show me after she removed them. Should I have been proud? Not sure.

kalisa
11 years ago

I somehow missed Marmaduke. Although I can’t say it totally ruined the trip for me. I should’ve known you’d take a photo of his balls. I should’ve known.

kalisa
11 years ago

Anyway, why isn’t he fixed? That’s not very responsible of them. Leaving little illegitimate Marmadukes all around the nation as he does his press junket. Tsk.

Christine
11 years ago

My eyes! My eyes!

twojams (Shannon)
twojams (Shannon)
11 years ago

Holy smokes, that is hilarious! I am just a reader, so I wasn’t there. BUT (see what I kinda did there?), I stayed at that Hilton a couple of years ago, and there was a huge Great Dane there then, too. At one point, the owner had him in the little Starbucks on the lobby floor and no one could get by him. I think the guy secretly wanted us to climb over the poor dog. Wonder if it was the same one.

Oh, and the sausage clock rules.

tanya
tanya
11 years ago

good heavens. those are ricockulous.

Sahara
11 years ago

I thought that’s why most of the famous tv dogs were female. Boy dogs have…well, they have balls like that (distracting! clearly!) and then when they get really happy sometimes a tube of lipstick magically appears down there too. Is hard to not lose track of the wholesome family pet image film-makers are usually trying to cultivate.

g~
g~
11 years ago

Is it sad that i would totally try the sausage and pancakes and chocolate on a stick? Also, how can you NOT stare at that awesome display of male dogness? It’s equal parts disgusting and…well…impressive.

Jennifer
Jennifer
11 years ago

Ohh myyy GAWD!!!

And Hey – We Canadians do not stick bacon with everything!!! EWWWW Cupcakes? Oh, and while we are on braekfast foods – why do you americans call it Canadian bacon… it never came off of any canadian I know of. It’s called Peameal Bacon people…

Oh, and I will never be able to use a tube of lipstick again either….

tramatized, I am soo blind now…

Junni
Junni
11 years ago

Oh how I love you, Stranger Blog Lady.

Aimee
11 years ago

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Thank you for giving the world the real deal of BlogHer 10!

I totally dug making fun of both those things with you. Especially the clock as your face when you took it out of the BlogHer bag by the elevators was priceless. It was like WTF is this Sh*T! I could not help but say something! It would have been cool if it did what you said it should do and shoot out a sausage or something!

elz
elz
11 years ago

I love how you bring out the phallic underbelly of the conference! I am intrigued and may have to go next year. But, what can trump Marmaduke balls?!

Kate
11 years ago

I am a dog owner, so I had a rough idea in my head how large these alleged gigantic testicles would be and HOLY SHIT they are so much larger than I had been imagining.

Julie Enyeart
Julie Enyeart
11 years ago

That picture is so hilarious!! I’ve never in my life seen such monstrosities and I hope to never again! Love your blog:)

Stacy
Stacy
11 years ago

Those are some serious testicles right there. Rather impressive. I, too, would have been captivated.

Also, sausage? on a stick, wrapped in a chocolate chip “pancake” … that is disgusting. That’s totally not even a real food.

Sunny
Sunny
11 years ago

Christ, my Mexican vacation plans have been spoiled. Now EVERYONE will be at the bar.

Megan
Megan
11 years ago

I guess I’ll stop off at the bar the next time I’m in town for the Tijuana donkey show with Dr. Kelso and Dr. Mickhead.

pixielation
11 years ago

I’ve been skimming over blogher posts with little interest, but this one’s a winner! Has there ever been a better post about a massive dog nutsack? I was looking at it so much I totally missed the fact that the product on top was sausage in a chocchip pancake until I read the comments! One word to that food combination – eeeeeeew!

angelica
11 years ago

sad as it may be, the big balls do make my eyes watery. used to have a great dane and loved him… in case you thought I was an even bigger freak than you.

in any case, you realise we now all think you are a total pervert. (who’s has just been added to my blog roll)

AND I was lucky enough to read this with my morning breakfast. still can’t believe you put a picture up. LOL

angelica
11 years ago

sweet mother of …. I just realised it’s a sausage+pancake+chocolate combo!!

that’s even scarier than the nut sack

Lindsay
Lindsay
11 years ago

Today is an IF day. Thanks for helping me out, Linda!

Christine
11 years ago

I’m all about a good breakfast sausage, but with chocolate chip pancakes? Me thinks not.

Although that juxtoposition of images right there contributes to my sadness of not meeting you at BlogHer. *weeps*

Carrie (in MN)
Carrie (in MN)
11 years ago

You just made my day.

Jessi
11 years ago

Hanging real low there. Poor dog.

Dawn
Dawn
11 years ago

You are a sick and twisted fucker, and I could not possibly love you more.

kate
kate
11 years ago

gotta say that dog needs a ball-zier to hold them things up. as for the mexico comment, maybe a reference to catherine the great would’ve been subtle enough. not quite as much ick. me thinks you have deadly buildup and need to get home and get lucky. the sausage clock is a ringin maybe? it’s time to reset that biological clock…

kate
kate
11 years ago

gotta say that dog needs a ball-zier to hold them things up. as for the mexico comment, maybe a reference to catherine the great would’ve been subtle enough. not quite as much ick. me thinks you have deadly buildup and need to get home and get lucky. the sausage clock is a ringin maybe? it’s time to reset it…

sandra
sandra
11 years ago

haahahaha…..all i can think of is the ending of clerks 2…lol

Melissa
Melissa
11 years ago

Hilarious…especially the description of the scene in Mexico. Nothing better than sausage and balls in the morning.

TwoWishes Tara
11 years ago

Huh, every time I read someone else’s BlogHer post, I feel like we were at different conferences…. How is it possible I missed the dog with the giant balls??

Then again, it was my first year, and I had baby in tow. So I hold out much more hope for well-endowed Great Danes (not to mention actually meeting my favorite bloggers) in years to come!

Tracy H.
Tracy H.
11 years ago

I did see the Marmaduke movie and actually wondered out loud to my husband during the movie “you know that dog has to have giant balls, where are they?” I was so curious, that when we got home from the movie I actually googled it. So yeah they must have green screened them or else they would have had to give it an R rating, LOL!

ktjrdn
11 years ago

I watched Marmaduke (under duress) and didn’t notice at all. But suring the credits, the dogs all “stood up and danced” and my husband pointed out that Marmaduke had been… uh … altered.

Ted H.
4 years ago

My black male great dane has huge nuts that hand down a full 8 in.! Would like other readers 2 tell me about their great danes’big hanging nuts!