Festive holiday tip: I bought one giant roll of good-quality neutral paper to wrap presents in this year, and it was approximately 9285 times better than wrestling with foil-y themed paper. I always think I’m going to enjoy wrapping presents until I do two or three in a row, then I’m like WHY GOD WHY, but this paper (which came from Target, as all good things do) helped keep the Santa-throttling feelings at bay.



A snarky, ridiculous holiday letter has become a tradition in our household—if doing something two years in a row can be called a “tradition,” anyway. I have the sneaking suspicion several relatives do not even remotely get it. In fact, we just received a holiday letter from a family member who formats the page to look like an actual newsletter and is extremely earnest and exclamation-pointy about their children’s various achievements and I can only image the pitying look on their faces when they read our letter.

Hello family and friends!

Another busy year has flown by and the Sharps household can hardly believe it’s December already! It seems like we were just sitting down to write last year’s holiday letter, and hoping that this year’s would involve a humble description of our enormous lottery winnings.


We’ll start by calling attention to our holiday photo, not that we need to! We’re sure you noticed the creative elements such as the visible power lines, which we feel is an homage to the Great Masters. (Of ART, that is!) Linda also wants to point out that she’s hunched over not because of, ha ha, crippling gas, but because John is holding a cattle prod to her back in what ended up being a grim, hours-long attempt at getting a family photo if it KILLS US BY GOD.

2010 has been another exciting year, with John’s business, Vioguard, continuing to provide all kinds of excitement! Why, it’s almost been like one of those horror movies from the 50’s! WILL Vioguard founders collapse, grey-whiskered and wrinkled, of various stress-related conditions before they’re able to enjoy the fruits of their labor? WHAT fanciful, anatomically-incorrect term will John use next to describe the FDA? WHEN will Vioguard’s all-male company finally replace the toilet paper roll in the restroom?

This year Linda made the big leap from full-time office employment to a freelance career, and she couldn’t be happier! She also couldn’t be more lacking in personal hygiene, increasingly socially impaired, addicted to sloppy yoga pants, and embarrassed by the growing butt-shaped, laptop-warmed dent in the couch, but YAY for working from home! (The best part is how there are NO vacation days!)

Riley is 5 this year and he is so smart! He’s doing school at home until kindergarten next year, and guess what—according to him, he can make the best machine gun sound in the whole world! Also he can spell “poop” with basically no problems whatsoever. (Move over, “honor student” bumper stickers! HERE COMES RILEY!)

Dylan will be 3 in February and we can’t believe how fast he’s growing! Just the other day he woke up howling at 2 AM because he couldn’t get his blanket re-arranged over himself. Why, we remember when he woke up at 2 AM because he was hungry! SO MUCH HAS CHANGED!

Our dog Ashley is . . . well, she doesn’t smell very good, that’s for damn sure. But she hasn’t DIED, despite more than one touch-and-go night involving explosive diarrhea! HIGH FIVE ASHLEY! GO TEAM SHARPS!!

Happy holidays to one and all, and here’s to another thrilling new year!

John, Linda, Riley & Dylan

(You just hush about the bangs, now.)

We’ll be traveling to Oregon this week and I am sincerely looking forward to the downtime, cookie-binging, and kid-present-opening. I hope you guys have a wonderful, wonderful holiday.


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12 years ago

That has to be the best Christmas letter ever.

Mary O
12 years ago

That letter is great. I am SO tired of the loooong-winded and boring letters that some people send out.

Merry Christmas to you guys!

12 years ago

Your letter is hilarious and your picture is awesome! Merry Christmas!

.303 bookworm
.303 bookworm
12 years ago

Just if you have a chance with the boys, check this out (you probably already know it but I’m a first timer…!)

Track Santa’s progress around the world. Very damn cool.

12 years ago

This post is a perfect example of why I feel I am shortchanging myself by forgetting about the many, many, amazing kinds of people who share things online. You were the first blog I read, and by Zeus, you should be the last damn blog I read because you are the reason I value this art form so much. I would make my own snarky family update if only I had a family to update about instead of just a premarital sex partner, and my real family wasn’t so obsessed with my (might I add, quite Flanders-esque) uncles impending abuse charges and divorce proceedings. You help remind us all that the real meaning of Christmas is having fun, even if that means laughing at social norms.

12 years ago

That letter gave ME explosive diarrhea – in a good way.

12 years ago

I’m hoping you’ve read the David Sedaris book of short christmas stories? Because if not, you’re seriously missing out. And I’m also hoping you’ve read it so that I can share with you that a good friend of mine overheard some of us talking about the humor, borrowed it to read, and angrily returned it after reading the family christmas letter bit it contained, not finding it funny whatsoever. Also, am a touch jealous of your awesome brown craft paper, which I looked high and low for a few years ago before simply giving up on it… my local Target most definitely did not carry it at that time, and apparently nowhere else did either– when I asked in craft & office stores they looked at me like I had asked for a chocolate ensconced baby or something.

12 years ago

Am I the only one who started reading and said “Who the fuck is John?” Ohhhh…JB…gotcha, now start back at the beginning.