I have literally zero advice, just commiseration. I have what some might call a histrionic kid. He’s 7, and while he seems to be growing out of some of it, he’s very nervous, exceptionally dramatic and super whiny. My husband and I tend to get along extraordinarily well for our ages (both relationship and chronological) and what we’ve been through, but we argue a lot about how to handle this guy. I regret so many instances of being harsh, uncompassionate, impatient…I always vacilate between wanting to help and wanting him to just grow the hell up already.

Last night was his first soccer practice, and his first experience with team sports. I was terrified – I was afraid he’d whine about the heat, the running, be afraid of the ball (he still can’t catch or anything)…but he ran his ass off. He got nailed in the face by a soccer ball at close range and hopped right back up and kept running.

It gets better, I think. Sometimes all on its own.

Perspective from someone who was an anxious child- my mom mainly reacted to this by shaming me. Didn’t do any good, but hey, I eventually grew out of my fears and am a fully functioning adult now. No long term damage done.

All I can say is that I’m a little bit glad I’m not alone. My almost 9 year old has the same tendencies. She’s afraid of rain, so she sleeps on our floor when its raining or God forbid, thundering. That one, I just accept. I don’t want to spend all night telling her to suck it up, when I could be sleeping. Also, it turns out, we all have irrational fears..or most of us..that we can’t get past..and if I can accept one person’s…I can accept hers. I’m hopeful they’ll grow out of it, I’m pretty certain they will and so we can just wait for that day.

I’m SO right there with you. Jessica (who will be 6 next week) is very similar. She’s very afraid of some things and, like you, I’m not sure when to push and when to back down. I also get into fights with my hubby because he was raised like “Buck up and deal” and I was very sensitive growing up so I know that too much pushing doesn’t help and probably hurts.

I just try to navigate as best I can. And believe me, I’ve been the recipient of the “Why are you mad at me?” looks and questions too. Feels like shit.

A quick example. Jess is very sensitive to noise. HATES fireworks. This year our neighbor (who has kids her age) is lighting off fireworks. First, I had to get her noise cancelling headphones for her before she would even go outside (Yes, that’s how sensitive she is. We OWN noise cancelling headphones for her)So, she does fine with the sparklers, and the fireworks that just shoot fountains of sparks and stuff. Then he lights one that goes up in the air. Instant freak out. If that child could have climbed back into my uterus, she would have.

Well, this is embarrassing. And my hubby is out there and he gets pissed because he’s embarrassed. He starts in on her. Of course, she gets upset. So, I took her up on the neighbor’s porch, but I would not let her go inside. For a while she just totally hid her face. But, I stood there and talked to her and by the end, she was actually watching some of the fireworks. Yes, she still had the headphones on. And, yes, she was only peeking out from behind my shoulder, but to me, that’s progress.

Maybe expose Riley to something like water in a neighborhood pool. Let him sit on the side and put his feet in. Start small.

Here’s hoping all our sensitive kiddos learn how to deal with it and so do we. {{{{HUGS}}}}

Linda, I think the fact that you’re agonising over this makes you a good parent. At least I’m going to tell that to myself after a rather fraught day with my 3 yo who has tactile sensory issues. I’m trying to remember that rationality is sometimes beyond her at this age. I don’t expect her to be able to read at this age and so I don’t get angry with her for not being able to. She can’t always process or control her feelings at this age and so I shouldn’t get angry with her about that either. Doesn’t make it any easier to get out of the house though…

From the amount of replies, I would say you as a parent and Riley as a kid are not so unusual. When people comment about our “sensitive” one, I smile and say, “That’s just part of his/her make-up.”

Every child is different; there is no cookie-cutter development ritual.

Every parent will look back at some actions/reactions with regret.

And the world continues to turn.

I just really admire you (and JB) for talking about this. Reflecting on our parenting isn’t easy and I don’t ‘trust’ enough online to open myself up for this. But your commenters are nothing but supportive.

I guess that’s why I love coming here.

Being patient with an anxious child can be the hardest thing in the world! It doesn’t matter that you know you should–especially when you stay home with them all day, little things can really get to you. Please stop beating yourself up. :)
That said, for stuff like swimming and the slip n slide, I just try not to press the issue with my daughter. She gets anxious/nervous in a lot of situations that other kids seem fine with too. I just ask if she wants to do it, and if she doesn’t, I don’t press it. Well, on a good day I don’t press it. Sometimes she sees other kids having fun and eventually changes her mind and tries the activity. Sometimes she doesn’t and it sucks to be sitting on the sidelines when all the other families are having fun. But that’s parenting I guess– a lot of not-so-fun moments sprinkled with good ones. I read your blog and don’t really ever comment, but know that you are a wonderful parent and it’s very easy to see how hard you try every day. :)

You are probably overwhelmed with good comments right now (and I haven’t read them so I apologize if I repeat what someone else has said) but I have a kid a bit like Riley and I can recommend two books that may help: Raising Your Spirited Child (by, uh, I cant’ remember – it’ll pop up on a search) and The Explosive Child (Ross Greene). I have a daughter who is very INTENSE but not to the Asperger’s degree. She feels things much more intensely than others (esp adults) do and her reactions to things often seem WAY MORE melodramtic than is called for. She has a things about food texture, tags in clothes, etc. But, as she’s gotten older, it’s gotten better. She used to be terrified of the ocean so beach vacations sucked for two years because one of us would go out alone with the beach loving kid and the other was stuck behind the dune with the ocean-averse kid.

I think the books will help you respond better to him. And remember that he’s not reacting this way to annoy you. He really does feel things very strongly and the only advice I can offer is: allow him to feel the way he does. Don’t take it personally. Respect his feelings – don’t push him to do things he instinctively doesn’t like. My daughter used to hate bouncy castles but one day, she just decided to get in one and liked it. She’s seven now but I don’t think it was a case of “try it, i know you’ll like it you’re just being stubborn”, it was that she hated it then, got older, and now can do it.

You need patience and tolerance – much more so than with kids who are quite this intense – and those are very hard to come by most days. Those two books touch on this (they encompass a lot more – you can ignore the bits that don’t apply) and can help you gain some perspective and help him be a happier kid. Good luck! Parenting is really hard. I had no idea it would be so challenging.

Thank you for writing this… my daughter is the EXACT same way. We struggle with this constantly; how can we give her the tools to function properly in the world and nurture (or at the least not break) her spirit at the same time.
We can’t be perfect all the time; your son is lucky to have a parent who reflects on the parenthood experience so deeply. Thanks again for your blog. I really enjoy it!

I can completely identify with you and your struggles with Riley. My daughter (now 5…and 3/4 she reminds me) was/is super sensitive right from birth. Food issues, noise issues, any little new thing set her off. What I ended up doing is just totally backing off. You don’t want to jump on the trampoline? Okay, that’s cool. But I’m going to. You can just watch. Slowly, but surely, it has worked. She sees other kids doing stuff and she’ll try it eventually. She’s still overly sensitive and really struggles with new stuff. But, it is getting better.

As far as the not so proud moments — we all have them. We all have those times when we say things we wish we hadn’t or acted differently. Don’t be so hard on yourself!

My 4-1/2 year old son wanted to play soccer. He would practice with the kids no problem… come game day he’d cling to me… would not step foot on field and demanded I stay with him on the bench. Coach was patient and reassuring and never pressured. I could tell the other parents thought I was crazy for even bothering to show up. Every Saturday we’d dress in our uniform and I’d stand on the bench and we would watch together. Four weeks went by. On the fifth week he high fived the coach and asked to go in the game. He’s been playing ever since.

As a parent I guess you just have to show up, be patient and learn from your mistakes. He’s my third kid and you just kind of learn these lessons the hard way. Not sure I’d have been as patient with the first two.

No advice, but thank you for making me feel like I am not the only one.

It sounds really painful from every angle. I think we can all recall the person who lovingly worked really hard on us, pushing the choices that weren’t intrinsic to who we were/are…..would it be OK to simply let him be the sensitive one; loving and accepting him where he is at without trying to evoke change?
Hugs to you & Riley.

Your swimming scene sounds eerily like most of my summer. My daughter, who is 5 and will be 6 this year, acts as though she is being tortured whenever we take her to my mother-in-law’s pool. My husband and I have a terrible fear of our children being in water without knowing how to swim, and we know many people that have pools and many times that we are not there with them, and well, we decided this year she was going to swim, dammit. So when we take her into the water and she emits brain piercing screams and panic and clawing at our backs and shoulders, in front of EVERYONE and why the hell won’t she believe me when I tell her I’m not going to let go . . . I have told her she was acting like a baby and that she was being ridiculous. I have said those things. It makes it hard when her 3 year old brother is attempting to swim from one of us to another without floats because he’s at least trying and she’s not even calming down enough to hear us.

I don’t want to make her feel bad but I want her to know that we believe she can do it, that she can trust us and not be afraid. I want her to know that it’s very important that she learns how to swim. I want her to not get freaked out by a million little things or to be over dramatic about the bigger things. I certainly don’t want to belittle her either, but she IS being ridiculous.

Riley is my Wesley. I say Wesley is the in box kid. no, stepping outside the box. He is senstive to things and it takes time for him to warm up to new ideas. God Forbid you do something that is not in his rule book because you are going to get a melt down. As he has gotten older (7) he is getting more adventerous. Questions to ask when he is being sensitive is is he tired or hungry I see Wes digs in his heels if any of these are present. Sometimes it is neither. it is fear or anxiety riding it.

I have learned when to push and when to say Ok buddy we do not have to do it. Example of this june he was not ready for a boat ride when we got to the lake this year. We do it every year. Guys were leaving running to get gas for the boat. I told him to go with Dad and walked away. He came back all smiles and I was told he was telling my BIL to go faster. When he does something that really makes him nervous and does it with no complaining I praise the hell out of him. Use words to build his confiendnce up.

Ask Riley what he would like to learn to do that scares him. Write it down for him. Post it. JB and You take turns with him getting past the 1st fear. then move to the next. It might one step forward and six back. But for every 1st step he takes praise and praise some more.

Remember you are a parent and we make mistakes. If it is bothering you sit Riley down and talk to him about why. Use words that he can understand. We all make mistakes with them. they will survive.

We are in the same boat on SO many fronts. I mean reading this was like reading about our weekend. This was compounded by the fact that we were having a really difficult visit with my family which is always difficult but it was made worse by the actions we took as parents to handle our six year old who is very sensitive.

I feel like the past few months have been a downward spiral with him and I am constantly apologizing and mentally promising myself to be different, better, calmer and than he does something new or gets more intense about a situation (there are so many right now: the weather, the tide coming at the Puget Sound for instance) and I freak the fuck out on him about it. The same with my husband. I have said to my husband about a million times the past few weeks: “I am SO tired of yelling at the kids”.

What a sad statement of our lives lately. We were in Seattle (Everett/Muk. area) over the weekend and I swear to you we had the same experience you had with Riley. I feel terrible about it, I feel terrible that I am not the adult I should/could be for him and I know one issue has to do with letting go over controlling him. He is not two any more, he’s six and very capable of handling things his own way. As in, if he does not want to do something that is his choice even if it not how I envisioned it, you know?

One example happened last night, my lowest point. I put him in timeout for not listening which is a huge issue in our house right now. I totally handled it well, I was calm and spoke quietly. I was super proud of myself. THAN he would not do the timeout the way I wanted him to do it. What a stupid reason to get mad! He was upset, I was upset and it was total drama. Had I just put him in timeout and let it go, it would have been fine. Instead he and I were both crying and frustrated and angry. Totally stupid.

I see from the comments on here a lot of people are in the same boat.

I too want to brush the negative moments under the rug and just focus on the positive but I feel like if I keep pushing it under the rug it is just going to get worse and/or never change.

I think there a lot of first born kids who are like this. They are sensitive and strong willed. They have no one else to compare it to like their siblings. In fact, his sister makes him bat shit crazy because she is so laid back and has taken to saying “Mommy, I not scared of the water” or “Daddy, if it rains that okay with me” just to prove how she is NOT scared and how scared he is of those things.

I actually own that Spirited Child book that a few people mentioned and have started to read it a dozen times since it was recommended to me when he was 2 yrs old and already showing us his spirited ways. I think I need to read it for real this time!

We also go on jags of being really good about telling him what to expect from things (a big trip for instance) and we have been doing a shit job of that lately. That really helps him to know what to expect.

Anyway, holy rambling comment. Sorry you just hit the nail on our situation recently and I am so “glad” in that awk. parenting way to know that there are others in our same boat. Hang in there!

I have some nieces and nephews who, for some reason, would rather be around the adults when we are all gathered together. All the adults are doing is sitting around and talking, but the kids want to be stuck to their sides, to the point where they will refuse to engage in other (kid-friendly, and specifically provided for them) activities. These kids are all around 8-11 years old. Recently, the adults have stopped tolerating this. The most frequent thing you hear at our gatherings is “GO. PLAY.” You don’t have to do the activity, but you can’t just hang around us, either. Their parents decided they didn’t want them to be so co-dependent on the adults in their lives – they are old enough to start entertaining each other and themselves.

All this back story is by way of saying: Maybe it’s not so important that Riley participates in the things the other kids are doing, but it’s possible that sometimes he’s using it as an excuse to not have to leave you, JB, Grandma, etc. That’s obviously not the case with every melt down, but if you are seen as “the safety zone”, it might be one reason he chooses to be on the sidelines. Letting him know that he doesn’t have to go on the slip-and-slide, but he needs to go amuse himself some other way that he likes might start to push him toward a little more independence.

Of course, this might not apply to Riley at all, so in that case, feel free to disregard :)

I’m so sorry that you are going thru this. I swear you are talking about my son about 3 years ago. He is almost 10 now and he is a completely different child. He just grew out of it. He was afraid of water, of bounce houses, of school, I could go on but basically he was afraid of life. We even took him to a therapist (my husband is a police officer and our son was scared about his job). But I think he was just “that” kind of child. And he needed time to come into his own. I know this doesn’t make right now any easier for you. And believe me I cringe at some of the things I said to him during those years. But he is now a sweet, daring almost 10 year old who still loves us in spite of how we handled his issues when he was younger. Sorry for going on and on. Also I’m in work so couldn’t read all the comments so I’m sorry if all of this is repeating what was said. I just so feel like you’re living my life from a few years ago. Good luck :)

My reaction comes from a POV of desperately wanting kids, and having thought about various child-rearing issues, but not being able to have kids, so really, having absolutely 0 relevant experience. (so, caveat emptor)

I wonder if the weekend was kind of full of new experiences for Riley? new faces, new environment, he had just had a couple of days without you and JB around – maybe all that stressed him out more than you realized, and made him more vulnerable to his issues?

If new experiences are hard/scary, I would try and increase his exposure to new things. You could start with new things whose scare factor is likely to be small, but I think the key is to keep bringing the new experiences. As he gains in life experience, and positive outcomes from new experiences, his confidence will grow, and maybe the next new thing won’t be so scary? This is what I would try.

And don’t beat yourself up about it. It truly sucks, you didn’t act like you wish you had (we’ve all had THAT happen) and it’s probably a good thing for Riley to see that you and JB are fallible.

I have no advice on the actual behavior, but as a child-less person, I can say this: I suspect most people in public probably are not judging you or Riley too harshly. There are always a few obnoxious idiots, but for the most part, if I see a kid having a meltdown, I think “poor kid. poor parents.” and that’s kind of it.

Unless it’s a very extreme neglectful situation in, say, an airplane or a very enclosed space? There’s not a lot of judging going on, I promise. It’s like when you wear your bathing suit in public and realize that actually, no one cares what you look like in it.

Swistle made an awesome observation the other day, that knowing a fear is irrational doesn’t make it disappear.
I am an adult with anxiety, and I have a daughter with sensitivity, similar to what you are going through with Riley…and if I can’t convince myself to let go of irrational fears, how can i expect my kid to?
that being said, she and I both are much better than we were. On the days when I am a good and compassionate mom (not all of them, I assure you), I sit down with her in a quiet place and talk to her about why she is scared. When we are doing something new, we talk in advance about what is going to happen so she is prepared. And after years of feeling like a major douche, we don’t force her into situations she is anxious about. We let her move at her own pace. Most often, she gets over it eventually.
As far as other parents/relatives…when it came down to it, we decided our kid and her feelings were far more important than what anyone else thought/said about our parenting styles. Not easy sometimes, no…and parents who neither have anxious kids or are anxious themselves are the most judgmental.
It isn’t about never failing, it isn’t about being too permissive. Violet is always encouraged to do things for herself and work out her own solutions to her problems, and sometimes seems to spend more time being disciplined than anything else, but never for being scared. well, almost never. I am not perfect. :)

As the parent of one daredevil kid and one OHMYGODEVERYTHINGISTERRIFYING kid, I feel your pain. The worst is that moment when you realize that you are not helping; you are inflicting your own concerns on your kid, which sounds like what happened with the skinned knee incident. It’s called being human.

Everyone is different, but for us it worked best to NOT try to cajole, bully, trick, or force our girl to do something that was really not necessary. If she wanted to just watch the proceedings and not get on the slide, no big deal – we just let her know that she could join in whenever she was ready. It led to much less drama (hers AND ours) and gave her the room she needed to try when she was ready. It also kept us from treating her like she was somehow “less” because she didn’t want to do something that we thought would be fun.

Today, my “cautious kid” is a 12yo recommended black belt who is away at camp this week doing zip lines and Lord knows what else. She isn’t the ‘fraidy cat that I was worried she would turn out to be; she just likes to see how something works and think it through before she gives it a try. Nothing wrong with that.

Throughout this process, I also had to learn how to apologize to my kid and ask her to forgive me when I pushed her too hard for no reason other than my own insecurities about how her behavior made me look. That is very hard to do. But humbling yourself to sincerely apologize to your kid sure makes you stop and think the next time.

Finally, let me tell you that it is awesome how you put things like this out there so honestly. Brave you!

I’ve done similar with my two year old, fercrissakes! I hate myself for the times when I’ve yelled at her to just shut the fuck up already (yes, even that language *total SHAME*), and then realized that she actually had a reason to be upset. Just as bad is realizing that it doesn’t matter if I think she has a reason. She is upset. Full stop. I need to respect that.

All that is a long-winded way of saying I understand why you did what you did. For now, and I hope in the future, I can remember that forcing my girl to do something she is clearly freaked about will in no way make it better. I can give encouragement, but forcing the issue will only make things worse.

I didn’t read all of the comments, so I’m sure you’ve gotten this advice already, but I also have an anxious kid. Not anxious enough to seek professional help, but anxious enough about certain things to be pretty disruptive and let’s face it annoying and frustrating. He’s 7 1/2 now and it has taken me a while to be able to keep my frustration level down enough to calm him down. There are times when I say “you’ve got to pull it together or go have a time out” and there are times when we can sit down and talk through what he is feeling. He’s also old enough now to express more of his thoughts… and that poor kid has such scary thoughts. He recently freaked the f*&k out because I threw away the piece of paper that was under a painting he made (to protect the table). He kept saying he couldn’t stop thinking about that piece of paper getting squished in the garbage truck. WTF kid? It’s a piece of paper. I don’t want him to suffer from anxiety his whole life, so I try to give him coping skills he can use now. It really is about us changing the way we deal with his behaviors, and it’s hard. You wouldn’t tell an adult with anxiety to suck it up and act like an adult. (Well, maybe some people would, but it’s probably not the best answer) It gets easier. You’re a great Mom, just keep trying until you find what works for your family.

I am also not a parent but I was a sensitive kid and sometimes it seems I spent half my childhood in a state of fear-induced nausea. :) Any time I had to do something new or too exciting I’d get scared and queasy. For the most part (once I got older, at least) I’d do it anyway, but I wish I had had someone to help me deal with those feelings better. I’ve learned to deal with them really well as an adult, but neither of my parents understood that aspect of me when I was a kid (still don’t today, actually — I don’t know where I got it from!) so I got a late start.

So from that perspective, I really like the suggestions people are making to be reassuring, tell him it’s okay, he’ll be okay, and he can do it when he’s ready, and then leave him alone to work it out.

At this age I think his fears really are just irrational and waiting it out will probably do the trick. But as he gets older, if this continues, you might be able to help him take a more proactive approach to his fears. If you can talk to him about his fears in a calm moment afterwards, you might be able to help him reason it out. (As others have said, talking about fears when he’s actively feeling them is useless — his flight-or-fight response is going haywire in his little body and he CAN’T be reasonable.) If you can help him identify the specific fears and help him reason out why those fears don’t make sense (or help him develop a little plan he can follow for the imagined worst-case scenario), it’ll give him something to hold on to next time and give him the confidence that will help him face it.

BTW, I got a lot of that “don’t be ridiculous” and “what are you scared of” I’m not psychologically scarred nor am I mad at anybody for it. :) It *IS* ridiculous! I don’t blame people for reacting that way and I’d rather not be such a ninny, myself!

I’ve said it once, I’ll say it a million times–you are one brave soul, Linda. You’ve articulated what many of us have gone through and felt, right down to the deep, dark parenting shame. You’re getting lots of good advice here, so I really don’t feel the need to add my own other than the next time you find yourself losing your shit on the little guy, count to ten and give him a hug. Remember how small he is and how much he depends on you and JB for everything, to include emotional equilibrium. The world isn’t going to end if he doesn’t do the slip’n’slide, but his world will feel like it’s ending when he has both parents screaming at him and at each other.

I don’t have any advice about the meltdowns. But when I’ve found myself being crappy to my kids (daughter dropped my library book in the pool the other day) when I calm down I talk to them and just let them know I’m not mad at them, just at the situation. And I apologize to them as well. ‘Cause even if they’re little, they’re still people who deserve that respect of saying “hey sorry I was being crappy, I had a bad day too”. Plus I think as kids get older they need to realize that parents have feelings too. That it’s a 2 way street.

We are going through a very similar thing with our 5-year old. It is so hard when you are in the middle of it all to maintain composure. I totally hear you….no assvice from me.

Not a parent yet so I can’t offer any advice, other than to say I’m so sorry, and that I think all parents have gone through this. From what I can tell from reading your blog, you are a fantastic mom 99.9% of the time, and if you’re a shitty mom 0.1% of the time? Well, that’s better than most people, and the kids won’t remember the 0.1% in the long run. Hugs.

One thing that was at play here that I’m not sure anyone mentioned yet is the fact that your son was away from home. He is more likely to be “extra” on guard when he is not in a familiar setting. He may be a lot more willing to try the Slip ‘n Slide in his own backyard. He deal with a skinned knee better if it doesn’t happen during a time when his routine is shaken up and he’s stressed from travelling. Probably the *intensity* of his reactions had more to do with the fact that he just had too much “new” stuff going on to be able to handle every questionable situation. He’s looking for things he can control–Such as: Not swimming when I don’t want to and not going on the Slip ‘n Slide when I don’t want to..
He knows he can’t control the fact that he is on a trip (however fun it may be!) and he can’t control the fact that he is surrounded by new(ish) people (extended family he doesn’t see everyday), he can’t control the fact that he is sleeping in a different place, eating different food, having a different schedule, etc. Plus, he might have been a little tired or hungry or thirsty and overwhelmed in general and he just. couldn’t. deal. with. one. more. thing. (Just like you in dealing with his meltdowns!)
I have been there, done that with my own five year old, who often acts more whiny, less tolerant of everything, and even downright bratty during vacation time–whether we are travelling or have company over. I know how embarrassing it can be! But! Just think, those other kids that jump into the water and on the Slip ‘n Slide with no qualms at all WILL embarrass their parents in other, potentially more noticeable ways (such as swearing in front of guests or being openly rude or ungrateful to grandma at Christmas or whatever).
Plus, ALL kids of ALL ages have freak-outs and I guarantee that the other adults and kids did not think what Riley was doing was unheard of, or inexcusable, or even something worthy of noting later on. Besides, of course, the whole: Oh I was anxious too as a kid! (That comment was most likely just intended to let you know that: Hey, I screamed just like that as a kid over the littlest things. No big deal and it’s not unusual at all.)
I guess what I would do is give him more choices he can “control” when he’s out of his home comfort zone. Let him pick between swimming with daddy or doing something close-by where everyone can still see him. He may immediately choose to do anything but go in the water, but after watching everyone having fun he *might* come around to: Hey, I wanna go in too!
When he understands it’s his choice to go in the water or it’s his choice whether he goes on the Slip ‘n Slide, he will feel comforted and more or less understood. When he feels comforted and understood by others, he is less likely to freak out SO PASSIONATELY about something else later on (such as the skinned knee).
But please don’t beat yourself up about how you reacted. I have really, really been there, done that. The best you can do is own up to your mistakes and admit that you lost your temper. If you don’t feel like bringing up the situation, since it happened a few days ago and Riley may have forgotten about it, just work on reacting better during the next episode. Your reaction to Riley may have been harsh, but it’s also normal and every parent has been there. You’re a fabulous mom and I often read your blog and think of what a wonderful life you are providing for your boys!

Riley and Dylan remind me so much of my nephews. They have the same age difference, and the older one, O., is so sensitive about so many things. It’s as if he doesn’t want to try new things unless he knows he’ll be good at it. And not even good, but PERFECT. He reacts the same way to water; he sits out from playing fun games with the other kids because losing sets him off, and he starts randomly screeching at his younger brother for, get this, “having too much fun.”

On the other side, his younger brother is fearless, and jumps into any new adventure without hesitation. (Both literally and figuratively: while trying to coax O. into just putting his feet into the swimming pool, his brother A. jumped in without hestitation – much to everyone else’s horror.)

For O., waiting to do things on his timetable used to work, but now seeing his brother pass him by, that seems to be forcing him to do things more quickly. It’s like he doesn’t want to fail, but by God, he doesn’t want to be outdone, either.

Do you think if Riley sees Dylan doing the things you want Riley to do, and Dylan is getting praised for it, that it might push Riley into wanting to do those things?

It’s such a tough call, especially when you KNOW they’re capable of doing something but they’re unnecessarily freaked out/scared by it. I wish you guys the best in this.

Riley knows that you and JB love him. Remember that you show him love way more than you lose it a little bit. He will remember as well.

First, thank you for sharing your story. Second, I have a quick story to share: My husband and I (and our then-almost one year old) attended a Christmas party two years ago at a co-worker’s fancy house. All the other mothers of one year olds were feeding their kids from the table. My son had hardly eaten any table food at that point in his life–therefore, in my mind, I was a terrible mother. I decided I needed to “fit in” by giving my baby a spoonful of homemade mashed potatoes. He promptly projectile vomited all over the beautifully set table and the rug underneath (which probably cost more than my house). That was the precise moment that I decided not to care what other people thought about my child or my parenting skills (or lack thereof).

Oh, and to clarify… I don’t actually think you were a shitty mom in this situation, just a frustrated one. Which I completely empathize with. It will all be okay.

My 3 1/2 year old daughter is afraid of my sister’s cat, who cannot be more than 7 pounds. Shrieks in terror, begs to be picked up. It’s awful. That’s just one example. I know I have reacted similarly at times, and this is to a 3 year old. Someone told me it’s a control issue…she has no issues about climbing up trees/jumping off rocks/etc. because she can control those, but has no control over, for example, the cat. She is also a little OCD about certain things, so maybe it’s the same kind of thing with Riley. He just needs to move at his own pace. But I have so been there, and felt the same kind of shame and disgust with myself. All you can do is to try to have a different reaction next time.

Ugh. I’m so sorry. First, kids are resilient. Riley will be fine. Probably long before you. Try to cut yourself sone slack.

Second, I don’t know if it will help, but you might take a look at the book Simplicity Parenting. The author theorizes that some of our ‘anxious’ kids are overwhelmed by modern life and struggling to find control any way they can. Not everything in the book rang true for me, but there was lots of food for thought.

Finally, my one year old is just starting to really test me in the ‘public opinion’ arena. One strategy that’s helping me is to remind myself what I would do about it if she were, for example, autistic; I’d ignore everyone else and focus on what she needed to get through this. And then that’s what I do, because it doesn’t matter that she’s not autistic. Every kid has their own challenging moments, and parenting is about her, not the frowners. I’ve even said to one ‘helpful’ lady that we were just having a moment and I would handle it. I may have hurt her feelings, but then again she was giving unsolicited and unwanted advice to a stranger at a bad time. Thems the breaks.

I feel like you just described my son. What’s crazy is that he’ll love something one week and the next he’s freaking out, screaming bloody murder if we try to get him to do it again. It makes no sense. He’ll be 4 in September and I’m starting to think it’s that age. The only thing I can think to do with him at those moments is sit with him and watch from the sidelines. If we give him enough time to decide to do it on his own, he feels more confident and has more fun. It’s HARD to do that since you just want them to enjoy themselves and be a part of the group, but pushing him made it 1000 times worse.

I hope it becomes easier. This parenting thing is hard, yo.

Wow, it’s like you’re writing about our family. Similar situations, same exact reactions (from parents and child)…my god. So many times I wish I could unsay, unfeel, undo. But at the same time, WTF kid? Like Riley, Alex (also 5) is getting better at some things, and developing new issues. And mine has also developed this new high-pitched-glass-shattering screech rather than a cry. Instead of blubbering like a baby, he’s standing there screeching like a whistling pete. Makes me miss the crying. Hell, I’d even take a reguar tantrum-y scream than this screeching bullshit. All I can do is try my best each time to remain calm. sometimes I can, sometimes I can’t. But I do try. I’ve made a point of telling him that even though I get frustrated at him, I do love him very much and that never ever changes. But just as he gets angry and upset, Mommies and Daddies do too.

I can relate. I often forget that my son is six years old, and for some reason, I expect him to be a rational human being. And because of my unrealistic expectation, on MORE than one occasion, he’s hurt himself doing something I had told him not to do, and instead of comforting him, I yelled at him for not following directions. Last night, he broke down crying because someone on “House Hunters International” bought the house that he liked the best, and my husband and I tried to tell him how ridiculous he was for reacting that way. Every time something like this happens, I feel completely awful and inhuman once I realize what I’m doing.

I’m just trying to keep in mind that he is a child, not an adult in a small body, and his mind works differently than mine does. I enjoy his unique perspective when it makes me laugh, but I need to learn to step back and consider his perspective when it frustrates me, too. It’s hard.

Not sure I was helpful, but I wanted to respond because this really struck a chord with me. Now I need to go back and read all of the other comments to see if there’s any good advice for me! (So far I really like the “count to ten and give the child a hug” suggestion. . .)

I have a 4 year old daughter that has had simliar reactions. She has always been sensative, or just not going with the flow. I remember her freaking out about 14-15 months at grass. It was an issue to go to the park…she couldn’t handle grass on her feet. And now at four she is still a bit nervous and scared of thing. Our neighbor has a zipline which all the kids love. My two year old happily gets in a net and goes flying down the thing. The four year old wants to love it but is WAY too scared to try it.

She is also right there with any scrapes, bumps, or other injuries. She just loses it. Its hard to calm her down.

I always took it for this is who she is. She was never like the other kids. Their moms would go for walks and the babies would happily sit in their strollers. My child would always ALWAYS freak out halfway in and i’d be struggling with this child, and getting more pissed by the minute.

After 3 more years of this, its just who she is. I can’t make her not scared, or anxious…she has to figure it out on her own time. And while she is I’ll be chasing my two year old who has no fears of anything.

Who knew your kid would actually have an opinion about things, right?

My son is also 5 and is also very sensitive. He freaks out about fewer things than he used to, which gives me hope for the future, but I have been in situations similar to what you’ve describe (screaming child, conflict with my spouse, wondering what the neighbors are thinking) so many times. It completely sucks. Like Amanda said above, I hope it gets easier.

My daughter sounds just like Riley and I have had the exact same parenting moments with the exact same regret. For F, it’s taken us almost ten years to realize that if she’s freaked out about something there is no amount of cajoling or bullying or shaming in the world that will convince her to participate. In fact, that usually just makes her dig her heels in even harder. Left to her own devices, a lot of times she’ll come around, but when she she feels dragged into it, the flip-out can be epic. She’s better now that she’s older and can be a little more rational about things. I think the hardest age for this kind of stuff was 4 and 5.

Look, don’t beat yourself up. You know other people were thinking the same thing as you, but they get a pass b/c they’re not Riley’s parents. Also, I agree w/ other posters that sometimes you do a disservice to your child by coddling them or letting them keep their irrational fears. I mean, the rest of the world definitely won’t tolerate it or look kindly upon it. I also wonder if some kids cling to their irrational fears b/c they’ve learned that it gets them attention. I mean, it must have be kind of nice to have people focused on you, cajoling you, encouraging you, etc.

He’s not doing it to get you. I hope you both can find a way to not take it personally. I have to remind myself of that all the time.

Oh, god, I’m so sorry for all the guilt. I have been RIGHT THERE, and it sucks. I haven’t read all the comments, but my 7-yr-old is JUST now able to go to the movie theater without freaking out (and he still covers his ears). Swimming has been painful. But I feel like I see the light at the end of the tunnel now, and am hopeful it’s just an age thing.

We did enroll him in swimming lessons this spring (age 6), in a level well below where most of his peers were, and it was SO hard for him that first day. He cried and didn’t want to try anything they suggested, but by damn if he didn’t chin up and work through it — another sign that age HELPS in this situation. I couldn’t believe it.

Just want to say you’re not alone, and Riley will be FINE, he will figure this out.

Kids are just so hard. xo

No advice, just utter commiseration. I am hard on Wito…so, so hard on him at times, and yes, I’ve definitely been guilty of wanting him to feel bad about himself and/or his actions. I’m just trying to learn from it, you know? One mistake at a time…

You are so not alone on this. My daughter (6 years old) is EXACTLY the same way. So much so that my SIL almost every single time we are together suggests that we take her to occupational therepy for sensory issues. My nephew is autistic and so she feels that she has an expert eye for these things now. I have considered it, but her doctor doesn’t think it’s necessary. The reason why, she is HIGHLY gifted. We always knew she was a smart girl, then this year in Kindergarten after the 2nd day of school her teacher said she needed to be tested for giftedness. So we did. She was at a 3rd grade reading and math level. This behavoir is one of the many signs of highly gifted kids. I am sure once Riley is in Kindergarten you will see how far advanced he really is compared to other kids his age.
Also, my husband and I have TOTALLY done the same thing with our daughter. Yelled at her and belittled her for freaking out in public or have had our frustrations boil over when she falls and skins her knee and then freaks out like she has broken a bone. We always feel like shit afterwards. It’s normal.

For the swimming thing, My kids 3,5 and 7 did NOT like the water. We have a boat, so I wanted them to at least be comfortable in the water. We put them in swimming lessons over the winter and they helped a bit. The little one went from refusing to go in the water to willingly going in. Also, their comfort in the water and willingness to try stuff was directly related to their age – oldest was definately more willing etc.

This summer, the kids have been hanging out in our neighbour’s pool fairly frequently. They can all touch the bottom, and that seems to really make them more comfortable. I have just let them hang out and spend lots of time in the pool and all of a sudden, my oldest is swimming underwater, the middle child is jumping off the edge (which I NEVER thought would happen) and the youngest is happy just hanging on the edge.. I found just giving them time to go at their own pace made a huge difference.

Do you have a pool near you that you could go and hang out at? Or could you do water stuff in your backyard and if he wants to try it out he can, or he can choose not to?