blankie

Hey, why not take your child’s most cherished object and cut it into pieces? Just picture the delight on their face when they discover a severed chunk of their beloved blanket in their lunchbox! Perhaps you could include a little note from Mom: “Quit acting like such a goddamned baby or you’re next.”

care

Listen, we know your vagina is probably like an old baseball mitt filled with Bubble Yum, but that’s really no excuse not to make at least a cursory swipe at it with a razor once every few months or so, junglebush. Also, remember that it’s okay to have a few personal interests, even though that of course means you’re taking precious energy away from loving your children.

cry

Don’t forget: crying at work is not only professional, it will hurt your pregnancy if you don’t do it.

hubby

Ha ha HAAAAA, oh god, we can’t even believe we published this one. It’s like we held a contest to see who could come up with the most condescending, offensive advice possible! (Pam, please report to the front desk to collect your fruit basket.)

joke

Email joke chains are ALWAYS appreciated. There are no exceptions.

140

Turns out this isn’t technically “true” at all, especially if you take the time to document some of our more useful tips and share them on the internet, but what are you going to do—cry about it? (Of course if you DON’T cry you’ll probably get cancer.) Happy working mothering, everyone!

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JennB
10 years ago

I get this magazine – why, I’m not totally sure – and it is filled with cringe-worthy assvice cover to cover!

ssm
ssm
10 years ago

*crying* (from laughter) Oh god, my sides hurt now.

Sally
Sally
10 years ago

Fucking ridiculous. I love the contradictions. “Be good to yourself!” “Don’t get fatter than your husband!”

Kristen
Kristen
10 years ago

This is bullshit!!! I’m a working mom and I disagree with that entire magazine!!! My son comes first, then me….always!! Not because of obligation but because I want him to come before me. How can you look at the precious face and not put him first?? What the fuck is wrong with people???

That magazine editor needs to be fired asap!!!

Renee
10 years ago

what the WHAT?

Nolita
10 years ago

Love the example note to put in the lunchbox with the mutilated blankie. I am crying here at work too… from the laughter.

Sarah
10 years ago

Oh my gosh. I haven’t actually laughed out loud at a blog post in a long time, but today it happened. Thank you, dear Linda.

Lawyerish
10 years ago

Oh, DEAR. That is hilarious/tragic. I am always lamenting the lack of resources for working mothers in the media, but this…shows why maybe that is a good thing.

I have also come to the conclusion that I cannot read any women’s magazines, whatever the subject matter, because I don’t need the self-loathing they seem to want to instill in every reader. Feel guilty about everything! Don’t get fat! Look pretty every second! You are probably hideous and disgusting to your husband and children! GUILT GUILT GUILT. But be sure to take time for yourself or you will DIE!

warcrygirl
10 years ago

Instead of cutting up their blanky why not place a headless Stormtrooper action figure (it’s a DOLL) in their lunchbox? Same thing, right? Are you sure this isn’t a mommy version of MAD Magazine?

Melissa
10 years ago

You are KILLING me with the laughs. I cracked up when you tweeted about the blankie thing being very Godfather-horse-head-in-the-bed and now this. HA! My goal today will be working “junglebush” into a conversation.

jennifer
10 years ago

FTW?!? Hahahaha….I clearly need to subscribe to this rag just for the laughs I’ll get! :D

PinkieBling
PinkieBling
10 years ago

“…or you’re next.”

Oh god, I just can’t even. Further proof that all women’s magazines MUST be run by men.

Michelle M.
Michelle M.
10 years ago

Wow. All this time I was working on losing weight and getting fit myself when what I SHOULD have been doing is fattening up my marathon running husband. How silly of me. I think I’ll go cry. Loudly and in public. Because it’s good for me.

Janssen
10 years ago

Wait, was this published like. . .forty years ago?

NancyJ
NancyJ
10 years ago

It’s totally important for me to weigh less than my husband so I can feel superior to him – well, that and the fact I’m almost a foot shorter than him!! Totally stupid advice all-around.
LOVE the image of including a snip of my son’s blanket in his lunchbox though!

Maggie
Maggie
10 years ago

Totally hilarious! I am sitting at my desk at work crying from laughing. I am sure that is very professional. Maybe I should start an email joke chain to get everyone in on the fun!

Shannon
Shannon
10 years ago

Ugh. I hate advice columns…they’re always one of 3 things: a) way off base, b) insulting, c) stupid.

Christina
10 years ago

Used to get this mag thinking it would be GREAT! Something for me, a FT working mom, at the time. It just made me wish I did NOT work and/or gauge my eyes out of my head, sit and feel sorry for myself…

I would rather read Garden and Gun magazine for my working mother advice.

No for real… I had NO IDEA this existed till today:
http://gardenandgun.com/

Amanda K
10 years ago

So cry, make sure to not get fat, and read this magazine. Got it!

Lynnette
10 years ago

In the 16 years I have known my husband, I have always outweighed him… and managed to be happy despite the grotesque iniquity. To think, if I could just lose weight, I could be blissfully ridiculous, like a full body 3-hour orgasm every day. The real problem here is not the idea that your husband should be bigger than you, but that YOU ARE NAGGING AN ADULT TO LOSE WEIGHT. If the advice were about nagging a woman to lose weight? Easily offensive.

I have never heard of this “taking care of yourself after kids” nonsense. Why should I lessen people’s idea of me as the perfect, selfless mother? Maybe I can keep my martyrdom cred if I take care of myself in inconspicuous places, like only doing kegels and shaving my 70’s bush into the shape of a clean house, so to be an ultimate gift for my husband, which is every woman’s ultimate goal.

I vote for more magazine advice breakdowns. I need you to filter them for me so I don’t have to read them myself.

Becky
Becky
10 years ago

This just started showing up in our mailbox like 2 months ago…the kicker it is addressed TO MY HUSBAND.

Seriously I think the editor is the same guy that did the home ec books in the 50’s…because there is NO WAY a woman with kids wrote this crap.

Alexis
10 years ago

This is the most hilarious thing I have read in a long time. Clearly I am in the wrong business since people get paid to churn this stuff out. Off to bake some cupcakes for hubby. Be holly homemaker and get him fatter than me. That is win-win baby!

Tracy
10 years ago

Dave will be thrilled when I tell him he gets to be fat.

Sarah
Sarah
10 years ago

I got this magazine subscription for free, and I hate it!

Rhonda
Rhonda
10 years ago

. . . if you don’t cry you’ll probably get cancer . . . HAHAHAHA! My son subscribed to Sports Illustrated and for some reason started receiving Redbook also – you know, one of the magazines that tries to convince you that ultra-rich, ultra-beautiful, ultra-perfect celebrities are NORMAL – JUST LIKE YOU! I learned long ago to read it for a laugh and never, ever take it seriously :)

HollyLynne
10 years ago

Yes, surely, very important to make sure your husband is fatter than you. Enjoy that ice cream, baby! (WTF)

Ashley, the Accidental Olympian

I’m not even a mom and I’m offended.

Suebob
10 years ago

I love you. Pick up your fruit basket LOL!

Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting

Hilarious!!! And WTF!? I have to see this for myself…

Sandy
Sandy
10 years ago

I have no idea why I get this magazine either. I didn’t sign up for it, and most importantly, I DON’T HAVE KIDS. The first time I got it (last month) I called my mother to ask if it was a hint about grandchildren. I swear this magazine must be some kind of racket, where they give away subscriptions to increase circulation numbers so they can rake in the advertising dough.

el-e-e
10 years ago

Oh yes, I subscribed to that rag for a while. Until it became unbearable. Thanks for this, I can’t wait to send it to my friend who’s currently on maternity leave.

Angella
10 years ago

Oh, I so needed this laugh today.

Also? Junglebush is my new favorite word.

Rachel
Rachel
10 years ago

Oh god, that’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in ages. Now I kind of want a subscription for the sick comedy.

How ’bout if you just cut the head off your kid’s favorite stuffed animal, then you can put the body in their backpack and the head in their bed.

I can just imagine Dylan…”Horse, HORSE!”

Nik-Nak
10 years ago

Am I the only one that thinks the issue with that top part is that they are telling you to do something for a 5 year old that I would only think it acceptable for a two year old?
Take a snip of your baby blanket or a picture of your mother to school with you?
Why don’t you just go ahead and wear that sign that says “Beat me up, I’m expecting it.” GAH! Why are we raising pansies nowadays instead of little kids??

MRW
MRW
10 years ago

Oh Nik-Nak you are not alone. That advice is shit.

The only non-food things I put in my kid’s lunchbox in kindergarten were kid jokes – I figured they might give him a laugh and something to talk about at lunch with other kids he didn’t know.

TheRachelSyn
TheRachelSyn
10 years ago

So, Linda, I guess you won’t be doing any freelancing for WM? ;)

Christine
Christine
10 years ago

What if both my husband and I are fat? And we both make fun of each other for it (with love) and are a-flipping-okay with that. I mean geez guys, my coupla inches are the LEAST of my problems, marital or otherwise. Such sage advice indeed.

Sunshyn
10 years ago

I recently read on “The Stir” how mommies should still find time to pluck their eyebrows, because it will help the self esteem so! I can just visualize it, plucking my eyebrows while my autistic kid smears feces around the house! Not really (I’m lucky like that), but I’m sure he could get into SOME sort of mischief while I pluck away…

Shawna
Shawna
10 years ago

Oh man, some of this “advice” makes me feel stabby! Start an email joke chain?!?! They have to be kidding!

Not only is there a company policy against receiving or perpetuating these things, I’ve strained relationships with friends who don’t understand why I’m asking them not to send me jokes. Hate! Them! (The jokes, not the friends.)

Amy
Amy
10 years ago

Hysterical!! The note in the lunchbox…can’t breathe from laughing so hard!! Grow the fuck up….ha ha ha. people are beginning to walk past my cube and wonder if I’ve finally gone over the edge!!!

Thank you :)

Aimee
10 years ago

Ha!! I have never – since the day we met – weighed less than my husband. I wonder how our marriage could possibly be as happy as it is, since we’re breaking such an “obvious” rule!

Emma
Emma
10 years ago

Junglebush. Nuff said.

Jen
Jen
10 years ago

I despise this magazine! It perpetuates the Super Mom myth and has no relevant or helpful information. I would rather spend those 140 minutes trolling the internets…

Lisa
Lisa
10 years ago

Oh my god…I laughed so hard at this! Of course, my “baseball mit” is a kind of a quitter after pushing out two kids, so…well, you can imagine what happens when I try to stifle laughter now…

Jeaninne
Jeaninne
10 years ago

I’m unclear as to how this magazine will save me 140 minutes…I mean, bugging my husband about his fat ass is only 125 minutes, tops. Where are the other 15?

Faith
Faith
10 years ago

I’m with Jeaninne – not to mention, it’s going to cost you thousands of minutes trying to repair the fallout from hacking your child’s blankie to bits. And what about all that time spent sobbing at your desk? Unless you can see a computer screen through your tears? AND I have a fat husband who gets to eat all my ice cream? I don’t see the upside here at all.

Kristin
Kristin
10 years ago

HA! I saw that magazine for the first time earlier today at the dentist. I almost piked it up, but luckily I saw the latest People next to it… dodged a bullet there!

Fay
Fay
10 years ago

This magazine’s very existence is insulting. Note that there’s no “Working Father” magazine. Sigh.

Donna
Donna
10 years ago

The 140 minutes you’ll save is if you don’t read it….