Aug
21
Despite it all
Filed Under Uncategorized | 9 Comments
They were obnoxious in the car, on the ferry, in the hotel, in my mom and aunt’s house, on the beach, on the playground, in parking lots, and from one end of the Clallam County Fair to the other. If you heard an earsplittingly horrible sound coming from Port Angeles during the last couple days, I’m sorry, it was my feral children.
Oh, but still. Man, what a great weekend.
Aug
17
Hey, why not take your child’s most cherished object and cut it into pieces? Just picture the delight on their face when they discover a severed chunk of their beloved blanket in their lunchbox! Perhaps you could include a little note from Mom: “Quit acting like such a goddamned baby or you’re next.”
Listen, we know your vagina is probably like an old baseball mitt filled with Bubble Yum, but that’s really no excuse not to make at least a cursory swipe at it with a razor once every few months or so, junglebush. Also, remember that it’s okay to have a few personal interests, even though that of course means you’re taking precious energy away from loving your children.
Don’t forget: crying at work is not only professional, it will hurt your pregnancy if you don’t do it.
Ha ha HAAAAA, oh god, we can’t even believe we published this one. It’s like we held a contest to see who could come up with the most condescending, offensive advice possible! (Pam, please report to the front desk to collect your fruit basket.)
Email joke chains are ALWAYS appreciated. There are no exceptions.
Turns out this isn’t technically “true” at all, especially if you take the time to document some of our more useful tips and share them on the internet, but what are you going to do—cry about it? (Of course if you DON’T cry you’ll probably get cancer.) Happy working mothering, everyone!
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