Look, I don’t mean to be totally disgusting or sound like a lame Jerry Seinfeld bit, but what is the DEAL with vomited hot dogs?

If you’ve ever had the misfortune of encountering this foul substance, you know exactly what I’m talking about: hot dogs apparently remain resistant to the digestion process for a really, really long time. A couple years ago I remember Dylan horking all over his carseat and what emerged from his barf-hole was a seemingly endless stream of hot dog remnants, still in the exact anti-choking coin shapes I’d sliced them into earlier. Last night Dylan finally succumbed to whatever tragic stomach illness Riley had earlier this week, and it was like Hot Dog Terror 2010 all over again—only worse, because they were fully-formed chewed pieces. Oh god, just…so, so gross.

(Also, is there anything that can be done with a barfed-on pillow? Like when it soaks through the case and infiltrates the actual stuffing? I just threw that shit away, figuring it was beyond salvaging, but I don’t know, maybe there’s a better method?)

About a week ago I was lying in bed reading for over an hour and when I finally reached to turn off the light that’s when I noticed there was a spider about this size on the wall directly above my head. I casually and calmly informed JB of its existence via a series of high-pitched shrieks and arm flaps, and he promptly hit it with a broom at which point it fell on my PILLOW and instantly DISAPPEARED.

I was thinking of the spider incident last night as I mopped up Dylan’s stomach contents and got him stationed on a cot in our bedroom, and wondered which night was officially worse on my phobia list. Lying in bed waiting for a preschooler to suddenly spew more hot dogs all over the place—or lying in bed waiting for a monstrous spider to scuttle across my eyeball? I’m going to call it a tie.

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Jesabes
12 years ago

Definitely sounds like it’s time to move.

Liz
Liz
12 years ago

Oh god, I have a huge problem with vomiting. It’s like I just lie there in dread, waiting for the next time my kid barfs. This must be why my mom always locked herself in her bedroom and made my dad take care of us when we had stomach issues.

Anyway, it’s totally cool to throw a pillow in the washer and dryer. They come out nice and fluffy. And I should know, I work at a pillow-and-comforter manufacturer.

Amanda
Amanda
12 years ago

I would say the spider is worse. I recently read about another bug incident on another blog. It was in her bed too, and she eventually wound up in the ER because of this little critter. I will spare those details – but it was naaaasty. I would take toddler vomit over that bug experience any day! (shudder)

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
12 years ago

Barfed up hot dogs are so discusting, but I would take that any day over a giant spider!

Sean
12 years ago

If there was ever a convincing argument for feeding one’s children a strict vegan diet, I believe I just read it.

Rebecca (Bearca)
12 years ago

GOD, Linda. Having just endured the kid bedbarf phenomenon myself, you have my sympathies. UGH.

Amber Lena
Amber Lena
12 years ago

Eww, I feel ya on the undigested gunk that comes up from our children’s stomachs. I had 2 sick kiddos this weekend, first on Friday, then on Sunday, which means I’m home from work today, goddammit (because pre-school/daycare won’t take them within 24 hours of puking…)

I have horrible memories of picking puked-up undigested hot dog pieces out of a carseat on a road trip this past summer. Just. Gross.

Pillows? I just throw ’em in the washing machine, but now that I think about it, I really should just throw them away. My mom is always nagging me to replace my pillows because of dust mites or some shit like that.

Tamara
12 years ago

You can wash pillows, but in your case, I believe incineration is the only acceptable method of solving the issue.

I guess you can take comfort in the fact that children aren’t like dogs, mine just cleaned up her own puke. By gobbling it back up. BLERGH.

Kate
12 years ago

I’ve seen the hotdog horror first hand… a near twin is salami. As my husband almost handed the 18m old a second hotdog I gave him the look that said ‘remember the 5 slices of salami incident… 1 hot dog is enough.”

Amanda
12 years ago

Definitely the spider.

Nik-Nak
12 years ago

Well i would have thrown that pillow away and not thought twice about it.
But then again I throw away $40 pants if they get a smidge of poopie on them so there’s that.

Kate
12 years ago

Okay, pillows first. If you have a front-load washer, put two of them in there for balance. Wash on hot. Add some bleach. Use the extra rinse. Dry in the dryer on hot.

Spiders second. We have been invaded and I am totally grossed out about this fact! I know they are crawling all over me at night. We have two cats. Why don’t they think spiders are prey? Maybe those kitties need a little less food to take them back to their ancestral survival roots!

Carseats third. Whoever invented those things NEVER had a carsick child. Good god, there are so many cracks and crevices that even a high-powered hose doesn’t have a chance without fully disassembling the things. Come on designers, get with the program and make something cleanable.

Lastly, the hotdogs. I’m pretty sure little kid stomachs stop digesting everything many hours before the big hurl. I’ve found whole Cheerios. How does that happen? Those things melt in water.

Melanie
Melanie
12 years ago

My youngest (he’s 2) has a 2-3 gallon of milk a week habit… The horrors of ‘ABC’d and semi digested’ hot dogs have NOTHING on curdled milk vomit!!! Even my dogs won’t go near it… Gack!!! P.S. try eucalyptus oil or eucalyptus scented candles by the bed, supposedly the smell (reminiscent of an old Craft store…) keeps spiders at bay…

Carmen
Carmen
12 years ago

Hmmm, that is a tough call. I’d go with spider, myself.

Personally, I think that stomach acid must not be at its optimal pH & digestive enzyme concentration severely lowered as an illness approaches. I say this because Lexi barfed up asparagus when she was about 12 months old, a good 7 hours after she ate and there was SPEARS of asparagus in there…long after it should have left the stomach for the small intestines. I, thankfully, have not dealt with hot dog barf. Asparagus, yes. Mac & cheese, yes — YUCK.

As for the pillow, when that happened to ours, I tossed it.

Pete
Pete
12 years ago

I once had my son on my shoulders at Lamp Post pizza when we decided to let go on my head. I was one of those nice curdled sour milk pukes. At least I got my pizza quick. I didn’t discover until I got home they gave me someone else’s to get us out of there quickly.

Amelia
Amelia
12 years ago

Giant Pacific NW House Spiders – OH MY GOD, they are the worst! I had one crawl over me as I was reading on the couch and I think I lost at least a few years off of my life. My husband probably lost a few years off of his hearing from my scream of terror. Here’s the unholy rundown of this foul beast: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Giant_house_spider

Melissa
Melissa
12 years ago

My rule: barfed-on pillows have got to GO. Also, my kid pulled a real exorcist moment by barfing after she had chugged a bunch of blue gatorade. Bleh.

Hot dog barf is pretty bad, but honestly… is there any GOOD barf?

Donna
Donna
12 years ago

There’s a crap load of spiders coming in for the winter at my house, but I’ve yet to see the horrendous ones you get. As far as waiting for the spider, or tossing the pillow? I say nuke them from space, it’s the only way to be sure.

Kristin
Kristin
12 years ago

I think the spider wins. Sounds creepy to me!

Cheryll
Cheryll
12 years ago

Even 25 years later, I can still recall the horror of hot dog vomit. And one time, my girls had eaten a hot dog concoction at our local Mexican restaurant called “weinitos” so that barf had the added joy of rancid taco odor all over the bed clothes. So yeah, that was fun.

Fernanda
Fernanda
12 years ago

Why are your kids even eating hot dogs!?!?
hehehe sorry! couldn’t resist!

Gretchen in HB
Gretchen in HB
12 years ago

Hehehehe, Fernanda – Wonder if the hot dogs were a snack, or a meal? ;-P

Danell
Danell
12 years ago

I would take a kid vomiting hot dog chunks INTO MY MOUTH over spiders near my bed. No. Nononono spiders. I still get the heebies over the clock spider you mentioned a while ago. And I AM NOT gonna look up those House Spiders, since I would like to sleep ever again.

Also: weinitos.

Jennifer
Jennifer
12 years ago

I had my own hotdog epiphany several years ago during a company picnic to the SixFlags park in Denver. The company provided us a huge dinner: hotdogs, chicken, salad, pasta, dessert, sodas, beer. Then I went on several roller coaster rides and did all those amusement park things. *Much* later, I puked in the bathroom sink at home. This was at least 6 hours after eating dinner, and the only thing in the puke was hunks of hotdog, still with my teeth marks visible in them. Everything else had been completely digested and was through already.

That’s the last time I’ve eaten a hotdog. So weird to think that while your system is digesting everything else, the “who knows what mystery ingredients are in these things” substance is just sitting in your stomach, for hours.. days.. or???

Mary
Mary
12 years ago

I have raised two kids to adulthood, a third is almost there, and I can tell you without a doubt, THE nastiest thing I have ever encountered is hot dog barf. Also bologna barf, but they’re almost the same thing. After looking at that shit I will never ever eat either substance again.

nonsoccermom
12 years ago

Thankfully, I have not encountered the horror that is hot dog puke. Yet. But when my son was about 2, he puked (repeatedly) hours after eating some of those “guacamole” flavored tortilla chips. I die a little thinking about it even now, some seven years later.

GAH.

AC
AC
12 years ago

Hot dog barf is really gross. But also, pasta/noodles barf. What the hell, why don’t NOODLES digest relatively quickly? Like I really wanted to pick regurgitated rotini out of my kid’s Britax?

And one word for the person who mentioned a vegan diet: LENTILS. Real unpleasant coming up the wrong side of the body.

Very Bloggy Beth
12 years ago

Well, I won’t be sleeping tonight. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY.

Frannie
Frannie
12 years ago

My husband and son endured a “virus” all of last week, and are just now getting over it. Slowly. I think there’s a badge that a parent should get after they successfully expedite poop samples from their home to the lab, IMHO. I know, TMI, but soo much can go wrong.
I also threw away a barf pillow. I’ve put one through the wash before that wasn’t as old or puked on, and it turned out fine, granted they weren’t super expensive.
What kind of spider was it? I had brown widows (seriously, I did not know these existed) living it up on the other side of my bedroom (outside), and after ridding of them ourselves, we haven’t seen any since this summer. Also scary? My son tipped over our grill and exposed a huge brown widow and egg sac. He wasn’t hurt by either grill or spider, but I’m glad he did. Researched and found they like those spots. Find out where those spiders like to hang out, and if they’re a threat, get rid of them. Good luck!

Meagan
12 years ago

Ok, so my kid is only 5 months old, so all he’s vomited is milk, so maybe this is just hotdog spew ignorance speaking, but puke is not even in the same phobia universe with the spider which I’m assuming was huge because I refuse to click on the link.

Kris
12 years ago

Unrecovered undead spider for the win.

About 10 years ago, a friend got bit by a brown recluse & lost a large chunk of tissue in her leg. I now kill all spiders, Terminator style, to help avenge her injuries.

Mary
Mary
12 years ago

As horrid and nasty as puke may be, I’d take that any day over having a big hairy, scary spider in my bed.

Oh, and after we tossed several puked-on pillows, we finally got smart and got the kids those plastic covers that go over their pillows. Just like the plastic mattress covers, but they zip closed around a pillow. Probably has saved us from tossing 10 pillows since.

Becky
12 years ago

I’d take the vomit any day over the spider. Because when you hit it, you piss it off. So if you fail to kill it, burn it, and kill it again (this is vital), it will come back…with friends.

T
T
12 years ago

Ahhh, the toddler barf story. As much of a bonding experience as the child birth story. ;-) I’m tempted to send this to my coworkers because I horrified them with stories of our night of hot dogs & COTTAGE CHEESE a few weeks ago. At least they’ll know it’s not just me, right?

And yes…the pillows ALWAYS go in the trash.

Redbecca
Redbecca
12 years ago

You have my deepest sympathies on both accounts. Last night I was awakened for the 3rd time (the previous two were just to pee) at 2am by a cat horking in the doorway to our bedroom. Lovely. I had to get up and clean it because it was in the direct path from kiddo’s room to ours should he decide to pay us an early morning visit.
BONUS: I then discovered at 7am that the same damn cat had also horked IN THE DAYBED in the guest bedroom during the night. Thankfully, I had put a waterproof mattress cover on it so I just have linens to wash, and not a mattress to toss. GRRRRRR. (Related: you could probably wash the pillow, and just dry it on a very low dryer setting)

My sister also shared with me a picture of a giant spider (about the size of my fist) she found near our shed on Saturday. I get the willies just thinking about it. Blech.

Sadie
12 years ago

Hoooo! I had this exact same conversation last week when my 18 mo old puked up hot dog. They don’t chew them! BAH! It is disgusting.

Kara
Kara
12 years ago

1. I throw away anything with chunky vomit on it. Period. And bleach the hell out of any hard surface within room range.

2. The sleepless nights spent in anticipation of the next round of puke – ugh. The worst. Not only are you sleepless because you are waiting for a kid’s next round, I think “does my stomach hurt? Maybe I injested some airborne virus cleaning kid’s? What will happen if we both are sick at the same time?”

Hope he’s better soon!

Sonia
Sonia
12 years ago

I would take the hot dog barf over the Houdini spider EVERY day of the week. I’m desensitized to barf because my kid is The Barfmaster 2000, and I am TERRIFIED of spiders. Couldn’t even work up the nerve to click on your link.

JoAnn
JoAnn
12 years ago

Once I hit a not-that-big spider in my office and squooshed it and I kid you not, at least a hundred little baby spiders came scuttling out of its dead flattened body and scattered under the baseboards. Just how hard did your spider get hit?

Clueless But Hopeful Mama

I am unable to comment as I’m pretty sure barfing is contagious through these here interwebs and I am planning on feeding my kids hot dogs for dinner.

*fingers in ears* LALALALALA!

Amy
Amy
12 years ago

ARGH….both on my list and I am waivering between which is worse!

For odors (although barf odor to me = toss that shit out) try Kids N’ Pets odor remover. I was amazed at how well it worked. My brother gave me a sofa…he’s a smoker, I am not. I sprayed it with that stuff and it worked!! Has also worked on other accidental odors, but I have not yet had the pleasure of trying it on a puke patch.

Cindy
Cindy
12 years ago

Um, be glad you’re not on the Eastern side of our fair state. Black.Widows. Found one in the laundry room and another creeping in via our sliding glass door.

Sarah in Huntsville
12 years ago

I’m pretty sure the remedies for the barfed-on pillow and the missing bed-spider are one and the same: BURN IT WITH FIRE

Penny
Penny
12 years ago

Well, if it were me, that charming little “and then the huge spider landed on my pillow and disappeared” anecdote would have been immediately followed by “and then I burned my house down and never slept again. The end.” I might never sleep again as it is, having just read this. SHUDDER

josefina
12 years ago

Hm. I’ve never encountered the puked-up hot dogs, but I am scarred by (1) undigested ramen noodles in a sea of vomit, IN A CAR SEAT and (2) watching orzo pasta erupt from my toddler’s mouth for way longer than I ever thought possible. There was also a pineapple bedbarfing (same kid) that has rendered me unable to eat pineapple, maybe ever again.

I’m so sorry about your week, Linda. BLARG.

Shawna
Shawna
12 years ago

I don’t mean to minimize your hot dog experience, but picture this combo my pre-schooler barfed up this past weekend:

curried chicken
corn
Halloween chocolate bars

And it was thick and gooey too. It was probably the nastiest upchuck I’ve seen come out of that kid, tied with old cheddar and pineapple from my daughter a couple of years ago.

Sarah
Sarah
12 years ago

I can’t help it. This string of grosser-than-gross is making me giggle inexplicably. Thanks for giving a mom stuck at home with a traveling hubby some good company!

Sean
12 years ago

Oh god now I’m imagining MIXED HOT-DOG-AND-CORN BARF.

Thanks, Linda.

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