So you say you have a wildly unattractive sofa that’s been smashed, stained, and beat all to hell by two rambunctious children?

couch

And not only is it uncomfortable, it’s actually starting to fall apart at the seams—and the results are disturbingly vaginal?

tear

Like, for real, you’ve started thinking of it as the CouchBeaver?

vag

Well, don’t worry, because I’m here to help. Having experienced this very same interior design challenge recently, I’ve come across a number of solutions that are sure to work in any home!

First of all, I think we can all agree that a pantyliner is one of the most simple and contemporary furniture accessory options . . . not to mention sanitary.

liner

If you’re looking for something that’s a little more playful, while remaining appropriate for traditional home environments, I recommend the exotic (yet elegant!) sofa G-string.

gstring

Furniture pubic styling is SO on trend right now! Will a modified Brazilian work in your house? Try it and see!

wax

If you’re stuck for ideas, think about the message you want your furniture to send. Maybe you want a design theme that makes a statement of some kind! Be creative!

rush

Finally, for the daredevil crowd, nothing says “Admire my curves and finger my upholstery” like a little strategically-placed bling. Think notice me—think sofa vajazzle.

jazzle

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Veronica
Veronica
12 years ago

i can’t even comment, i’m laughing so hard.

Mary
Mary
12 years ago

OK, this post finally got me to comment. I’ve been reading your blog since before the boys were born. You are a hoot!

Jennifer
Jennifer
12 years ago

LOVE THIS!

Cara
12 years ago

I’m not sure what this says about the day you’re having, but I appreciate your bringing it here for our entertainment. Also, maybe it’s time to call a sitter and go for a run or some alone time.

Anonymous
Anonymous
12 years ago

Hahahahahhahahahahaha. Oh. Man.

kalisa
12 years ago

ewww! How weird is it that the vajazzled one looks the most vaginal to me? I SWEAR I’VE NEVER SEEN A VAJAZZLED VAGINA. Also, how does my spell check know “vajazzled”?

agirlandaboy
12 years ago

MODIFIED BRAZILIAN.

Stacy
Stacy
12 years ago

Awesome.

Nikki
Nikki
12 years ago

That was awesome! Thank u! Lol!!!!

Nikki
12 years ago

That is hilarious! I love the vajezzel!

Mouse
12 years ago

Bawahhahahah! Is it just me, or does the vajazzled one appear to have an oozing STD?Ok, then, moving right along.

melanie
melanie
12 years ago

lol that was genius… *clap clap*

Melissa
Melissa
12 years ago

“Vajazzle.” Oh, my sides ache from laughing.

I will not rest until I can work this word into a conversation.

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
12 years ago

OMFG. Hilarious!!
Both of our couches have vaginas! Huge really “hairy” ones that keep getting bigger and bigger.

Deb
Deb
12 years ago

I don’t know what is funnier – this entire post, or the fact that you actually went online, printed out a picture of Rush Limbaugh, and stuck him in your couch.

Mah VaJayJay’s Painin’!!

jen
jen
12 years ago

this was so funny, i literally laughed out loud. thanks for that!

Kristen
Kristen
12 years ago

I love you. That is all.

Jenny
12 years ago

Hilarious, as usual! I think the pantyliner was the funniest one. I’m still laughing.

Jennifer
Jennifer
12 years ago

Thank you.

Sylvia
12 years ago

OMG you made me laugh so hard I’m crying

robyn
12 years ago

HAAAAAAAAAA!

Kris
12 years ago

Funny – these are almost lifelike!

I would cover it up with duct tape. Then again, I think 95% of my house is held together with duct tape, from the carpet seam coming up in the bedroom to the door jamb that’s slipped off the frame in the sunroom.

Pete
Pete
12 years ago

I’m sure there’s some cowboy in Montana that’s thinking the couch looks pretty good about now.

Jo
Jo
12 years ago

I actually kind of love you right now. Have had such a bad day and am sitting here wiping tears away from laughter. Have not had a belly laugh like that for ages. Thank you, who knew a post about sofa vaginas could give me a new perspective on life?

Sara
12 years ago

Too funny.

#1 reason I love ya, NEVER know what to expect here. Ever.

Jeanette
12 years ago

LOL! Hilarious!!

birdgal (another amy)
birdgal (another amy)
12 years ago

Ok, the Rush Limbaugh totally made me do the ugly laugh!

Anne
12 years ago

I feel like I shouldn’t be looking at this at work, haha.

Jeff
Jeff
12 years ago

I can’t decide if this blog entry is wrong, or AWESOME….

Mass Hole
Mass Hole
12 years ago

I think you are losing your shit.

Mary
Mary
12 years ago

Holy shit. You’re my favorite.

MRW
MRW
12 years ago

HAHAHAHAHA. Ah man, totally did not expect this and burst out laughing at office.
Hil. Arious.

LD's Mom
LD's Mom
12 years ago

Totally thought we were gonna be seeing a picture of a new couch. This was much better!

Lynnette
12 years ago

There you go again. Another lifestyle blog, making me feel inadequate with your brilliant decorative spark. How am I supposed to feel good about my non-vajazzled couch now?

Donna
Donna
12 years ago

And THIS is why we LOVE you!
(Although I think Rush Limbaugh would have been better served with the couch ass, not couch beaver. Vajazzled or otherwise.)

Jenna
Jenna
12 years ago

OMIGOD. Thanks a lot, Linda – my Dr. Pepper is now splattered all over my computer screen.

Seriously, thank you for the much needed laugh. For the first time since my beloved dad passed away unexpectedly 3 weeks ago, I’ve a real smile on my face. Thank you.

Cheryl @ Off the Deep End

We went from a sectional that was broken in 2 places and clawed to shreds by the cats we used to have, to a slightly less beat up sofa and loveseat…LOVE THIS POST! The cushion where I sit has wanderlust and apparently wants to escape our house.

Sarah
12 years ago

I stand corrected — you are not ALWAYS thinking the same thing I am, lol.

sooboo
sooboo
12 years ago

I think any of those options would be great but the pantyliner will probably be the biggest conversation starter!

Katherine
Katherine
12 years ago

Oh somebody please send a link for this to Rush. I beg.

Jessica
Jessica
12 years ago

Oh, too funny. Sofa vajazzle. That is great.

Jen in Germany
Jen in Germany
12 years ago

AWESOME!

Lauren
12 years ago

I just have to say, I’m so glad I didn’t read this at work. I was dying laughing. I’ve followed your blog for awhile, you are the best. Thanks for the laugh!

Angella
12 years ago

In my best Captain Kirk voice: Have I told you … lately … that I love you?

Christine
Christine
12 years ago

Thank you, I really needed that today.

Laura
12 years ago

OMG this has got to be the funniest post EVER. I’ve been reading your blog since right after you started and love your wit, but you have really outdone yourself with this one.

Chrissy
Chrissy
12 years ago

I will never look at a ripped leather couch in the same way ever again.

Claire
12 years ago

OK, I’m horny now. Who knew I’d go all lesbo over ripped upholstery. HA!

Annabelle
Annabelle
12 years ago

I don’t even know what to say.

hala
12 years ago

I CANNOT stop laughing!!! Amazing! :)