Since Ruby the dog has arrived, I’ve:

• Been snouted in the back of the leg at least 57391 times. She has a habit of excitedly coming up behind you and pressing her nose against your skin, and if I’m wearing shorts it feels a tiny bit like being goosed by a slug. If I’m wearing a skirt, she’ll go right ahead and lift the fabric in order to deliver a proper snouting, and we had one incident in a park when she skirt-snouted a lady whose facial expression I can only describe as “Initially horrified, then (thankfully) amused.”

• Seen this face every time I eat something:

*sad music plays*

I know Labs are notoriously food-driven but wow, this dog really wants you to believe she has never eaten ever. On the training front, we need to work on begging, along with most of the other basics, which she soooort of has down but really more as the result of being good-natured than actually following any directions, if that makes sense. “Drop it” needs to be a priority, since she practically gulped down a hair scrunchie yesterday thinking it was some sort of snack.

• Been completely surprised by how the cat’s behaving around the dog. I was so worried about the cat’s safety ahead of time and whether she’d be traumatized, and instead she has the dog scuttling around looking worried. The cat is doing all these dickish things like lurking around a corner in order to hump up and do a bunch of swatting whenever the dog comes derping her way into the room and it’s just MEAN. I mean, I’m glad she’s holding her ground and all, but at this point the dog wants nothing whatsoever to do with her, so, like, can’t we all just get along? Also considering the cat’s past history of being scared of bathmats (seriously) and other inanimate objects the entire act is faintly ridiculous, like:

I mean give me a break, cat

Cat still sleeps next to my pillow at night and I can almost feel the waves of superiority coming off of her body as she bores little stare-holes into the dog’s place down on the floor. Neener.

• Slipped in dog-slop water like fifty times. We have her food and water bowl in the kitchen where there are wood floors, which means every time she drinks (BLORT SLORP BLOP MLORP) water gets everywhere and yikes, someone’s eventually going to break a hip.

• Given this dog EIGHT MILLION SNOOGLES. And smoothed her ears back in order to say, idiotically, “Who looks like a seal? YOU do! YOU look like a seal!” And repeatedly chanted with the boys to the tune of the Spider-Man theme, “Ruby dog, Ruby dog, doin’ everything a Ruby dog can. Can she snout? On your leg? Yes she can, she’s a dog. LOOK OUT, here comes Ruuuuby dooooooog.” (Dog’s tail reaction: WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM.)

• Been followed everywhere I go in the house, all day long. NOW what are you doing, her face says, and I’m like, uh sorry just going to the bathroom, and she’s like I WILL WAIT OUTSIDE THE DOOR. I WILL WAIT FOREVER IF I HAVE TO. Jeez I love this dog so much already.

family slurp


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