Feb
1
90 days of sobriety, as of today. On the one hand, hey! 90 days. Way to go, me. On the other, I’ve been here before, so … you know, there’s that.
I’ve slogged my way through anhedonia, a seemingly endless swamp of shame and self-loathing, and a months-long sugar binge. Triggers were intense at first but have receded. I feel a bit more settled in my skin, able to walk with my head up.
I completed outpatient treatment yesterday and will move on to a less-intensive recovery support group. It is the outpatient ritual to coin a person out on their last day, meaning a graduation coin gets passed around the room and each person says a few words and puts something — strength, hope, resilience, that kind of thing — in the coin. It’s an extremely nice gesture but it’s the nature of the process that by the time you graduate, the group members you’ve been with for weeks have moved on, and new people have taken their place. There’s a lot of “Um, I’ve only known you for two hours, but …”
Awkward, but fitting. ALL of this is awkward. Talking about feelings is awkward. Sitting in a room with strangers is awkward. Being open about being an addict is awkward. Doing things sober when you used to do them not-sober is awkward. Having certain people say, “So how are you doing?” and there’s all kinds of awkwardness in what’s unsaid in that question, which is awkward.
The terrain is uncomfortable but familiar; I’ve spent most of my life feeling awkward. Man, I’ve hated that about myself for so long. Somewhere along the line I decided awkwardness was a terrible character flaw, something to be medicated into oblivion. I lost sight of the fact that everyone struggles with feeling out of place and vulnerable.
So here I am, 90 days out: messy, awkward, uncertain. Naked and weird and a thousand miles south of perfect. In other words, human.
Some of my best days are the ones when I can remember that EVERYONE feels awkward, messy, flawed, incomplete, etc., etc. We all assume everyone else feels totally put together, just gliding through life on a breeze. And, most of us assume all of those perfect people are noticing every little wrong thing about us. Not at all true. They’re running the inventory of awkward inside their heads too. So, here’s one stranger standing next to you in solidarity.
Congrats! Perfection is highly overrated. It’s our flaws that give us personality.
Love this. Congrats on 90d. It’s been a tough 90d for the entire world, let alone anyone in recovery. thank you for your words. I am always reminded how much we all share in this “humanity” thing whenever I read your blog.
I’m rooting so damn hard for you (we all are). Every time I’m notified about a new post from you I am ridiculously, embarrassingly excited. Your words have been making me laugh, cry, FEEL for years. Thank you. Thank you so much!
I adore your honesty! Thank you for being willing to put it all out there, and to speak to the human experience with such eloquence and grace.
Yay you indeed ! After 11+ years of sobriety, what I feel most often is pride. Of course I also feel bad sometimes about all the “before” years, but it is useless so I just let go. Be proud and learn to love your new self.
Keep up the great work, Linda! Embrace the awkward, I say. I struggle with it, too. I think everyone does on one level or another. Keep being your awesome self and I hope you continue to share on your blog. Your writing brings me great comfort and joy!
Meh, some of my favorite people are messy, awkward and uncertain. Mainly my kids, but hey plenty of adults too. Keep up the hard work.
I’ve been following you for years but never comment due to the awkwardness of telling strangers things but I just really wanted you to know that I like awkward and I appreciate awkward and if this were “real life, in person” I’d hope to be your friend. You sound like my kind of person and I always root for you.
Congratulations on all your hard work, Linda!
I love your journey, and your honesty, and so appreciate you sharing the struggle. Congratulations, you are a hard worker and a strong person — I admire you.
I admire you too.
You always know how to get the reader in the feels! Thanks for sharing your uncomfortable, awkward experiences and giving me some comfort about my own brand of awkward craziness.
I will never stop cheering for you. Great work on 90 days.
Heartfelt congratulations. I picture you strong and happy. Just keep breathing, you got this. And yes, every single one of us feels awkward. All the time.
Congratulations. As someone who feels like I’ve known you for way more than 2 minutes even though we’ve never actually met, I offer to infuse your coin with all kinds of love, and compassion. All best wishes, friend.
I’m so proud of you! I wish we knew each other irl, but I’d probably weird you out with my own quirkiness. ;) Anyway, you’ve got so many fans cheering you on and I’m in that crowd!
I love you. Get it girlfriend.
Your human-ness is why we are so incredibly drawn to you as a “friend.” Keep it up!!!
Keep on, keepin’ on, girlfriend. Cheering for you from down south.
You are perfectly flawsome.
I’m really, really proud of you. For choosing yourself everyday, even on the really, really hard days.
I love awkward, there is honesty in awkwardness. I’ll always be wishing you happiness and strength!
You are 90 days ahead of me.
You are loved. You are worthy of love,albeit a love filled with awkwardness and full of flaws. Keep kicking ass.
You are so very brave. Opening yourself up to criticism and judgement. Wishing you all the very best in your personal battles.
I only like awkward people – because anyone who isn’t awkward is faking it.
Congratulations on 90 days! That is really something.
I admire you so much. Keep on keeping on.
Congratulations!
Congratulations Linda! we love the people that feel awkward, don’t fit in etc because you are just like us. I think all the cool people are just pretending:) I love your writing, your honesty, and hearing that you are okay. I have been cheering for you from the sidelines for year & I worry when you don’t blog for several days. Please hang in & love yourself – you are so worth it.
I’ve been reading your blog for years and I am so proud of you! I’ve always been envious of your ability to express how you feel in writing.
90 days is a big thing. Congratulations, human being. We all love you & are proud of you.
So, somehow I have forgotten about this beautiful blog. Big mistake on my part. Like I always say, Linda..nothing but love for you. Hoping we can connect at the cabin this summer. Love and admire you.❤ Tracy