I remember being obsessed with woven friendship bracelets and scratch n’ sniff stickers and jelly shoes and beaded safety pins when I was Riley’s age, and I suspect some of you who are of a similar vintage know exactly what I’m talking about. How did these things even come to be? One day we’re fighting over the last Cabbage Patch doll, the next we’ve all inexplicably decided to spend our recess time buried under piles of embroidery floss in pursuit of that pain-in-the-ass chevron pattern.

80’s fads may have been cheesy and overly dependent on neon-tinted silicone, but at least they weren’t noisy. I wish my kids would beg for a certain style of pants or a nice silent Trapper Keeper, but no, everything they’re into is LOUD AS HELL.

Dabbing was mostly quiet, if visually annoying, but it came with an unfortunate side serving of that godawful Migos song (lyrics: “Look at my dab! Bitch, dab!” *repeat 9034829537329856 times), plus the WTFuckery of yelling “Dab out!” before leaving a room. Bottle flipping — kerthunk! Kerthunk! Kerthunk! — was banished to the garage, where it still echoed throughout the house and was constantly accompanied by earsplitting shouts of “OHHHHHHHH” and “I AM THE ONE DON’T WEIGH A TON!!!”

Now it’s fidget spinners. All day long: VSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, and then the startling clonk! of someone inevitably dropping one on a hard surface, not to mention the constant bickering over whose fidget is spinning faster it’s mine no it’s mine hey you cheated no you cheated OMG KNOCK IT OFF BEFORE I CRAM THAT THING WHERE IT’S REALLY GOING TO MAKE YOU FIDGET.

I have no idea what will come sweeping through the elementary-school set next, but I hope it doesn’t involve any sort of vocalization or movement. In fact, I say us parents band together to bring back the mannequin challenge, only without the song and featuring today’s hottest new trend: a fashionable strip of duct tape across the mouth.

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Pete
Pete
5 years ago

WTF, they can reduce ADHD, Autism, Stress, Boredom, and help you focus. If only I had one of them when I was a child. I guess we had Lawn Darts which did the same thing if you think about it.

Emily
Emily
5 years ago

1)Obviously you don’t have girls otherwise slime would also be mentioned here (oh the tears when we’re out of shaving cream!) 2) I keep telling myself the bottle flipping, spinners and slime are at least keeping them off their devices – it’s like they are craving something that is not driven by technology.

raych
raych
5 years ago

LOL! duct tape!

Angela
Angela
5 years ago

As a Mom of 9 year old twin boys, AND a middle school teacher… A-to-the-freakin-MEN!!! My patience can only take so much…

jennbb33
jennbb33
5 years ago

Fidget cubes I thought would be my manna but they still make subtle noises.
Sighhhhhhhhhhhh
And if I lock them outside they might break a window.

Kristi
Kristi
5 years ago

F U fidget spinners. The end.

Crys
Crys
5 years ago

As a mom of a 15 year old – ALL ANNOYING AF!!!

sooboo
5 years ago

I still make friendship bracelets, lol!

Hanna Nelson
Hanna Nelson
5 years ago

When my (ADHD) guy asked his teacher if he could use his, she said “I don’t want to see or hear it.” First day (probably first hour), it clunked to the floor. It stays home now.

Jessica V
Jessica V
5 years ago

Oh the effing fidget spinners! My kids like to watch YouTube videos of people spinning them…while they are also spinning them, right outside my bedroom door at the crack of dawn on a Saturday morning. The first time they dropped it and woke me up – the spinner was hurled outside with a suggestion that they follow it.

Melissa h
5 years ago

Has homemade slime hit yet? It’s going strong in Sacramento. If it hasn’t hit may I suggest you go buy all the school glue you can right now while you can? It’s messy but it’s mostly quiet :)

Sande
Sande
5 years ago

Oh man…you brought me right back to my youth in that first paragraph. Thank you!!! As I was washing my daughter’s hair last night I seriously asked her if she could just stop talking for 5 minutes. She couldn’t. She is into Knock Knock jokes right now and after playing along for 5 minutes one day I finally could not take it anymore. She said Knock Knock and I replied No one is home. That silenced her for about one minute.

Tessie
5 years ago

I was also going to mention slime. Is it not as popular with the boys? My daughter’s school got new carpet this year (THE YEAR OF THE SLIME) and LOL RAGRETS.

Donna
Donna
5 years ago

OMG KNOCK IT OFF BEFORE I CRAM THAT THING WHERE IT’S REALLY GOING TO MAKE YOU FIDGET.

I laughed out loud at work when I read that!!

Katherine
Katherine
5 years ago

Okay, not being a parent (Whaa??? Don’t throw me out of the mommyblog!), I had to look up what a Fidget Spinner was. First video I clicked on is one I think you’ll enjoy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ge_22K0UTIY

Sara
Sara
5 years ago

My only solace is that I work at a library, which is quiet 50% of the time. Because at home both of my kids wake up talking, talk all damn day, talk after I turn out the lights, and talk in their sleep. #teamducttape

Shes
Shes
5 years ago

Totally relate to it all, with my 10 year old daughter. Don’t forget the Whip and Nae Nae, & the Rubik’s Cube!!

Betsy
Betsy
5 years ago

Oh, I am so right there (boys 8 and 5). 5- year old gets frustrated when his isn’t spinning quite fast enough and so he throws it, so that’s fun. And the goddam beyblades too. NOISE POLLUTION