Pretzel Crisps. A cracker/pretzel combo that is entirely pleasing from start to finish. Thin and crunchy, the perfect amount of salty. Can be consumed quietly during dramatic parts of a movie with the right chewing strategy.

Triscuit. A longtime classic snack, now comes in a baffling variety of flavors and textures but the Deli Rye option is the best, I will fight you on this. Delightful ability to bite off pieces in perfect lines. This otherwise perfect cracker has the one downside of being incredibly filling in a sneaks-up-on-you way so the potential for post-consumption regret is high.

Crunchmaster Multi-Seed Crackers. Actual copy from the website: “Specially crafted to pair with all your favorite flavors like artisan cheeses, hummus, seafood, soups and salad” LOLOLOL anyway obviously you are eating these in salty fistfuls directly from the bag. (Artisan cheeses!) Incredibly loud and crunchy so you’ll want something equally loud on the TV, I recommend Mad Max: Fury Road.

Paleo Puffs. These weirdly delicious snacks are shaped sort of like Cheeto Puffs (or giant grubs, or packing peanuts) but have a dense almost chewy texture. The Himalayan Salt flavor is my favorite, although the Honey Roasted ones are quite good too. While I do not eat these for their reportedly healthy ingredients, they do offer a smug factor: Sure, I’m on my third bowl, but they’re paleo.

Those Peanut Butter-Filled Crackers That Come in a Big-Ass Tub from Target or Costco.
Absolutely DEADLY in their tastiness. Like, I cannot be controlled around these things. Holy shit.

Quaker Oatmeal Squares cereal, Brown Sugar flavor. Not technically a snack I guess fuck it, in the pandemic there are no snack rules. This cereal is far superior when consumed without milk, and if you happen to have some peanut butter handy for dipping each piece in, well who am I to stop you. Another snack that is super loud, so you know what, just go ahead and turn on closed captioning and leave it that way, which seems like a boomer move but is actually life changingly awesome.

Mary’s Gone Crackers. The original or Super Seed flavor are both good. The only snack on this list that I am likely to limit myself to a single serving while eating, because they’re tasty, but in an earthy, wholesome way. Extremely loud crunch factor, not particularly salty but very flavorsome. You’ll want some floss at the ready for afterwards.

Boom Chicka Pop. The Sweet and Salty Kettle Corn flavor is where it’s at, although if you want to feel slightly more virtuous the “Light” Kettle Corn is very good too. The absolute ideal combo of saltiness, crunch (but like, a soft crunch), and sweet. There is literally no full factor to this popcorn so do yourself a favor and be prepared with a second bag.


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