Feb
3
My waistline and the state of the world aren’t really connected and yet I pretty much view them as one and the same: DECLINING INTO ENTROPY.
Probably if you boiled all the past entries of this blog/my brain into a condensed slurry it would have a depressingly high percentage of body image issues and yes I sometimes DO think about what it might be like to not constantly dwell on my own perceived faults, like maybe I could free up some neural space and actually remember some stuff and not be forever wandering around the house like Pulp Fiction Travolta going hmm, what’d I come in here for? And of course now that I’m nearly fifty (!) years old I think back on how eternally mad I was at my younger, less-ravaged body and I’m like oh HONEY, so you’d think I would be better at giving myself a motherfucking break, AND YET.
It’s just … there are *flaps hands* things happening. Thingsssssss. New things. For instance, I have gained some weight in the last couple years, no denying that. But instead of my whole self being, you know, proportionately larger, I’m kind of … a whole new shape? One that doesn’t actually fit very well into clothes any more? I’ve never had an hourglass body but nearly every extra inch now gets packed into my midsection. My waist is one clothing size, my boobs are another, and the rest of me is still another, are you feeling me on this? Like nothing fitted fits, because the size I am doesn’t really exist.
My hips don’t uniformly curve out any more, they have these poochy saddlebags. My jawline and neck are blurring and crumpling. My hair, my god: it wasn’t voluminous to start with but now it’s pitifully thin and dry, and when I put it in a ponytail you can SEE parts of my SCALP.
There are times when I feel closest to my best self, when I can neutrally acknowledge that I am an aging human. I can even feel gratitude, and maybe on a really good day, grace.
But most of the time I am a self-centered hot mess and going through Old Lady Puberty has been a real bummer on top of all the other more legitimate and important bummers.
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Oh, I so hear you, Linda! I never imagined the war on hair (titanium strong extra length chin hairs, anyone?). Sending you love, and hopes for equanimity, I definitely have days where I have absolutely none!xxx
O Mylanta those weird chin hairs that are like FISHING WIRE and you go to pluck it and it JUST KEEPS COMING OUT like wtf how does that even work, so gross.
Solidarity sister! It is the shittiest of shitty things to have in common.
Right there with you. I just received a pair of facebook ad leggings purchased because of their purported magically pet hair ejection capabilities. But also a little bit b/c the size 2 ‘testimonial’ video model exclaimed how the criss cross wasistband made her look ‘snatched’. Spoiler alert: they did not make my middle aged midsection look snatched.
If you’re looking to splash out for a special-ish occasion, eshakti makes all sorts of adorable clothes to measure. This way you can accomodate alll your various sizes. They also let you pick lots of features like sleeves, pockets, length, etc.
Oh man I have been STRONGLY targeted by that ad!
Some crazy stuff starts happening in your 40s – the permanent pooch, face shape changes (like my forehead is bigger somehow), gray hairs in my eye brows and OTHER places, spots on my hands, difficulty with the tiny print and on and on. I’m over here fanning my self during hot flashes and trying to love my ever-changing body with mixed success.
I lost 40 pounds last year, and yet the clothes I bought that fit beautifully even 5 years earlier at X weight did not fit comfortably at my new X-5 or even X-10 weight.
I’ve also noticed a distinct crepe-y-ness to the skin on my upper chest (the part that shows when I wear a v-neck shirt), even when standing up with good posture. And the odd fishing wire poking from my chin. And some weird, thick, curly white hairs in my eyebrows that group 3x as long as the rest of my relatively fine eyebrow hairs (I call them my “old Scottish man eyebrow hairs). And the advent of a wattle even when at my thinnest. The wattle is my least favourite part by far.
That “grow 3x”, not group.
Just found my first gray pube.
I feel like a melting, potato-shaped candle.
I’m the same age as J-Lo.
I am going through this same Old Lady Puberty, and that is the perfect term, and I think one of the worst parts is that some of the things I thought I was being cool about accepting earlier WERE NOT EVEN THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG. I was like, “Listen, upper arms get kind of flappy. I knew this going in. It’s okay. It’s age-appropriate,” and now I am like, “OKAY BUT THIS IS BEYONNNNNNND FLAPPY.” And there are still DECADES MORE FLAPPINESS PROGRESS TO BE MADE
UGH YES which all makes one realize the folly of complaining and STILL.
No, no, no… I am not signing up for this. I am opting out right this second. Where can I sign the petition? (ugh.)
If it’s any consolation, your powers of description have increased over the years. Please continue!
My best friend and I were born 10 days apart in 1974 and we refer to *gesticulates at widening potato figure* as Reverse Puberty.
Randomly Related to Reverse Puberty: Have you watched Yellowjackets? I’m only on ep 6 but Juliette Lewis and Christina Ricci give me life. I’m not sure if the show is going to stick the landing but it is 100% my kind of effed up so far.
Yes on Yellowjackets! We just finished it about a week ago. (The soundtrack!!) I wasn’t *fully* satisfied with the finale but at least it’s greenlit for a second season.
Right?! There are a couple of songs that unearthed memories from the 90s I didn’t know I had.
Still a little disappointed that there wasn’t a soccer training montage set to Wargasm, but that might be a little too early nineties for the Yellowjackets.
The actress playing Adult Shauna SLAYS ME. She is so naturally hilarious. I also liked in one scene where she’s just laying in bed and they filmed her so her boobs are like up around her neck? That is totally what i look like now when i lay down without trussing the girls up into some semblance of sexy.
I identified with her so much it was kinda painful.
Me toooooooooooooooooooooo. <3
I finished season 1 over the weekend and I have so.many.questions. #1 with a bullet is:
**YELLOWJACKETS SPOILERS**
The glitter. The huge-ass barrel of glitter. The huge-ass WTAF barrel of glitter. Did I hallucinate that barrel?
Hahahaha RIGHT? Why would a barrel of glitter even exist? WORST BARREL EVER.
Old lady puberty is my new favorite phrase so thanks for that. (The chin hairs; OH MY GOD THE CHIN HAIRS.)
I’m 72 and Old Lady Puberty has come and gone. I hate it, I’ll admit it. I’ve been having swollen ankle problems for the past couple of months. I told the doctor: “I can live with things leaving, like my thick hair, my perky boobage and bum, my good posture, but by gum, I MUST HAVE MY ANKLES BACK!!!!! ” Leave me one last thing to enjoy having! But it’s still better than being dead and I am surrounded by it. So until my time comes, I’m just gonna remember the good old days of youth and not look too closely into mirrors where I see my darling g’mothers’ faces chuckling at me.
Going through menopause while your boys are going through puberty SUCKS so hard. It’s a pool of hormones and emotions and nobody is rational except poor husband. Best of luck to you in the rest of this blessed journey.
All of this. Yes.
I would like to register a complaint: you should not have wrinkles AND acne at the same time
YES, all of this. Old Lady Puberty is making me think differently about those Mommy Makeover specials. Like, wouldn’t some tightening of everything be nice?
“Old lady puberty” – co-opting this!
also: chin hairs. Read somewhere that “your late forties are where you stop plucking your eyebrows and start plucking your chin.” Yeah but OMG turning 50 and they’re growing twice as fast and there’s more and maybe instead of deciding it’s time to go gray I should be asking if it’s time to grow a beard???
book recommendation on what to expect: the menopause manifesto – own your health with facts and feminism. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08KS1KNC8/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
i almost got put off by the “feminism” (yet I consider myself a feminist!) but this is hilarious and informative and good luck reading the piece on scream creams without laughing your tits off.
oh how I miss my 30s body and want to apologise to it for the constant maligning. I’m so SO sorry!
Oh man. I am right with you; perimenopause is no joke. I’ve had 7 periods in 4 months, and the last one was 16 days long! What the???
I know exactly what you mean about The Great Torso Thickening. I’ve never been a one-size-clothing-in-the-closet kind of person, and I’m finding it harder than ever to get from the biggest size clothing to even the middle sized clothing.
I am enjoying this solidarity with other women my age, though. A pilates instructor I like and have followed for many years (Ellen Barrett) recently posted about it, too. If we’re all going to be swimming in hormones, at least it’s synchronized swimming.