May
31
It’s shaping up to be a beautiful, sunny day today. So there is that.
I have been noticing that part of me is constantly doing the work of shoring up reasons to keep going. I don’t want that to sound scary, like I’m bleakly suicidal and trying to come up with reasons to live: that’s not it. It’s more like … there is something inside of me that remains committed to finding life’s worthy moments, even (and maybe especially) when everything feels so incredibly dark and heavy.
I wanted to document that, acknowledge it outside of my own head in some way.
The other day I was on school pickup duty, driving to my spot in a full haze of whatever the opposite of mindfulness is. Lost in eighty billion very bad no-good thoughts, an entire minor-chord-in-place-of-major-chord melody of unhappy places for my mind to go. Everything is terrible and getting worse, how could we have ever consciously brought children into this world, I hate what’s happening to my _____ (turns out body self-hatred is like Jell-O: there’s always room).
I happened to look up at just the right time to see a car going by with a dog sticking its head out the passenger window. Its ears were flapping in the wind, mouth wide open in a giant deranged grin. This dog was so motherfucking stoked and it was completely infectious: the driver was smiling, I found myself smiling.
That’s all. I parked and did some doomscrolling and of course immediately lost that little burst of joy, but it was there. I noticed it.
This seems important. The dogs in windows, the luscious spring rhododendron blooms, the way I recently learned that some snails leave a little dotted slime-line instead of an unbroken one. Small things that bring delight and spark curiosity.
We are in such hard times, all of us. I hope you see something that makes you smile today.
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It gets easier for me this time of year when there’s sunshine and flowers everywhere, but I feel all of this a LOT.
I was driving to pick up my mom the other day and saw a big shaggy Irish Setter running with its owner. They were at a good pace and the dog was running along, clearly out of its mind with joy and with zero brain cells activating, all open mouth and galumphing legs. It gave me a good smile too.
Thank you for making me smile today Linda. Something made me think of you and your sobriety over the weekend. I don’t remember what it was, but what I do remember is how incredibly proud of you I am that you maintain your sobriety. I know I am as stranger, but I am proud of you, proud of your sobriety, and thankful you brought a smile to my face today with your entry. I hope you enjoy the rest of your day! Hugs!!
thanks for this reminder to watch for those moments. sometimes I’m stuck on the dark side and don’t notice.
The other day I was mystified by some weird movement I could see along the side of a tree. Further investigation revealed that there was a hole in the side of the tree, crayon-drawing-style, and that it was full of baby raccoons. A mother raccoon was sitting on a nearby branch. It was like a children’s book.
Every time you write lately, I am like YES. THAT EXACTLY. And then I think we would be great friends IRL, and then I think that through and realize both of us would probably avert eye contact and get awkward IRL, and then I am amazed by the internet and the power of blogs that in any other world, I would just be alone feeling weird. xoxoxo A
Thank you for this.
A lot of life changes over the last year mean I’m actually in a really good place overall but still dealing with some bigger issues, this post is a Good Thing and a Good Reminder
such a good thing to read. thank you linda.
I find myself seeking out all those little reminders that while humans are often awful and terrible, they can be singularly wonderful. Humans are absurd! In the best way! Lately, my favorite way to remember that lesson is through Eurovision, which I highly recommend as a good shot of humanity. (Norway’s “Give That Wolf a Banana,” for example! So many years of human evolution led us to “Give That Wolf a Banana.” Wonderful! Delightful!)