Aug
26
I am faced with all sorts of decisions with this new home: where do I put things? What things do I pay money to fix/update and what things do I decide are good enough for now? For the things I am updating, what further choices do I make — for instance, now that I’ve decided the whole place could use a fresh coat of paint, professionally applied, what colors? Oh, I’ve decided that simple good old white is a nice backdrop, well did you know there are 2382957190053715465728983002058261 shades of white, and that’s just from one paint brand???
The bigger more expensive decisions give me a bit of anxiety/paralysis but I am finding that the ongoing issue of “where does THIS go?” is an unexpected delight. My approach to keeping a semitidy home has always come down to the idea that everything should have a home, and that way cleaning up is easy enough: you go back to your home, you cluttery rascal. Inevitably, entropy invades this process and your thing-homes become a little nonsensical. Like, the batteries live in a jumbled drawer along with random screws and mini lightbulbs, why? Who knows! But now I’m starting completely fresh and I can create brand new tidy thing-homes that align with my own thinking and no one else’s.
I’m discovering that it’s not necessarily the most strategic move to decide upon a storage location without developing your own rhythms. You know, you want to figure out how you routinely move around a kitchen before you figure out which should be the silverware drawer and which should be the ziplocs/parchment paper/foil drawer. Plus there’s my own built-in muscle memory to override — like, I switched up where my socks and bras and nightgowns go in my dresser because now I can use the whole thing instead of half, and so I find myself constantly reaching for the wrong drawer. But I don’t think that’s because they’re in the wrong place, I’m just not used to the new arrangement yet. Or maybe they are in the wrong place, and that will reveal itself over time.
Anyway, I find all this effort of discovery pleasing in a satisfying sort of way. Narrowing in on what feels right, through trial and error. It’s also gratifying to be slowly moving past the stage of full-on chaos and the feeling of wanting a specific thing but not being sure what temporary heap of disarray it might be residing in.
Bit by bit, I am unfucking the mess with only me in mind. Sure, I still have a giant cardboard box that I’m using as a coffee table, and one room is strewn with footwear because I’m using my shoe rack to hold toiletries, but I’m getting there! I am dialing this all in to my own liking, and there is a real satisfaction to that — to learning what I prefer, and creating ecosystems that support those preferences.
I don’t have pink elevators or pools, but there’s a real Barbie’s Dream House aspect to this stage I’m in. Every choice offers me the chance to make it my own. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if I shouldn’t feel more sad than I do, but those just aren’t the feelings I’m sitting in right now. It was a terribly difficult tradeoff to make, and I’m past all the dreary what ifs and I’m in the new reality. I know there will be more ups and downs to come but things are coming into focus, and the view gets better each day.
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I have thought many times over the years about what decor/organizational choices I would make if I didn’t have to make them with another person, so this is very satisfying to read about, and pleasing to hear that it is pleasing and not sad/stressful.
I thought I had come to the conclusion that the whites that veer yellow (rather than blue or pink or whatever) were my favorites—and then we moved into a house where one room is painted with a white that veers peach, which I thought I disliked but in this particular room I love it. It feels warm and vintage. But it’s a very vintage HOUSE, and the colors seem to have been chosen by someone who researched what paint colors were being used when the house was built. I’ve wondered if that’s why the peach-veering white looks so perfect.
I’m loving these updates and your fresh, honest perspective. Just came here today to say that “you go back to your home, you cluttery rascal” made me fully lol today and I’m going to whisper that as I’m putting things away every night.
I moved into my own house last December after a divorce. I am so enjoying reading your journey. Re-discovering yourself in a new space all your own is so freeing. Sending love to you!
Thanks for sharing your journey.
Having total control over your life after a divorce is great.