Oct
13
“Your marriage was dissolved on 8/20/25.”
What a sad, weird message to have sitting in my Gmail, for my own personal digital eternity I guess, categorized with its little bummer “Divorce” label. Dissolved. I picture it: everything that was, stirred in the great glass of right now. Like that, it’s gone.
Well. It wasn’t the 24 years together that was dissolved, it was the legal status of our relationship. We aren’t married any more, but we used to be, and we had many great years and built a wonderful family and had lots of adventures and none of that goes away. It happened. I got to experience it all, and it’s okay that it’s in the past. Nothing about us now can change what was.
I sometimes think that if I’d been able to know how things would go after the divorce, I would have wanted to leave a long time ago. But then our family life would have been disrupted much sooner. If the timing had been different, then I would not have this house I love, John might not have met his girlfriend (!), I wouldn’t have Billy, the most magical kitten in the universe. It all happened the way it did. I got to experience it all, WHEW, and we keep going forward.
That’s in the museum now, I found myself saying a few times when I was visiting with my mom and aunt. The young couple John and I used to be, the new parents, the school years, the four-pack of us, all the wonderful road trips and travels and the laughter and the real hard times. It’s in the museum. I can visit the artifacts and remember, I can’t go back. And that’s okay. It’s okay because that’s how it is, it can’t be any different, and so I accept it.
I accept all the truth of this stage I’m in, that it is beautiful and exciting and hopeful at times and also it is so different and sad. This is by far the most difficult part: I’m not living with my youngest, in his very last year before leaving the nest.
It wasn’t going to be like this; we initially planned to live together as a divorced couple through this final senior year. God, we were the most chill about-to-be-dissolved people for a while, it was like the heavy decision had been lifted and we could just be friendly and even joke about it. Oh, did I leave the kitchen cabinet open again or did he leave his clunky Hokas in my way, well no biggie we’re about to be splittsville pal so any sort of marital nuisances are officially temporary. But then came mediation, and it was awful, it made living together a no-can-do much faster than I had anticipated and so the separation had to happen. There was no scenario that made sense for me to stay in the family home, or for us to sell and both move, what with his big custom built shop. The only way to separate was for me to leave, and so that is what I had to do.
And now I have my own home, I am rebuilding my own life, and I am doing everything I can to make this a welcoming home for my boys as well. We have new routines and fun things: movies in the kitten playground/living room, dinners at favorite restaurants, stops at Dari Mart for strawberry cake and Alani drinks. We’re creating new traditions and routines. It’s been a hell of a lot of change in a short amount of time but we are carving out our new ways.
The worst part about divorcing with kids is that you want so badly to preserve what was for them, hold that good family unit together, protect them from the dissolving load-bearing walls — and you can’t. You just can’t.
It can’t be any different.
And so there is nothing left but acceptance, and the love that helps build anew.
Comments
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I’ve been reading your blog since before your boys were born and remember reading all about your ups and downs in the marriage. Gosh, we all have those and I think there were times we all hoped you would leave because we all thought you deserved better. I think most of your readership felt you couldn’t truly be yourself in the marriage. I’m sorry things ended the way they did. I am sorry your life has changed so much but I am so happy you’ve also been able to have your home and create a life for yourself slowly.
There were times when as a stranger I wished you’d leave your ex husband, because I personally and just through writing realised he was very different to you and not in a good way. I figured you would eventually leave when the kids were older and close to adulthood and remember saying this to a few of my friends who read your blog back then as well. Things needed to take this course and I think your life will be better once this season passes. Just remember those who move on too quickly to a new relationship and talk about how happy they are, say more about themselves rather than the marriage they were in. You are focusing on you, and like a man he’s focusing with his eggplant.
This is so poignant and introspective and sad and optimistic all at the same time. Ultimately, I’m most sorry that you and Dylan are living separately during his senior year. However, everything else is truly a gift…to your current and future self, especially, but also to your past self who often imagined something better. Honestly, Dylan getting to see and know you as you really are outside the shadow of a deteriorating marriage is a gift too, even though it might not always feel that way. I’m glad that you have the courage and emotional self awareness to see and know all this even as you navigate the more difficult moments.
“Nothing about us now can change what was.” 😭
I remember reading that men tend to move on quickly to new partners after divorce because marriage was good for them, and benefited them. And women tend to take longer, because…I guess I don’t have to finish writing that. I find I am annoyed at your ex for dating, even though he’s allowed to do so, even though it says good things about you and your marriage that he wants to, etc. I’m still annoyed.
When/if ever you are ready, I would find it valuable to hear more about mediation. I wish there was some way to do a divorce that didn’t sound like a lil trek through hellfire. I wish we as a society could come up with something that worked better.
I work with a lot of women who have experienced family violence (I am not saying that this is the case with Linda) but what I can say is women are certainly impacted by separation and divorce differently. I often have found they are the ones leaving the family home, starting over and having to rebuild their lives. We accomodate men so much and sometimes without even realising how much of ourselves we give to unhealthy relationships. We try and push through hoping things will change and with that we place ourselves to the side while they are the centre and focus.
I too am annoyed, and I think it is because even though I don’t know Linda, this feels like something unexpected and so soon, and that would be painful. I know if it were me, I would be hurting because I would be wondering “but didn’t you need time”. Then again, my partner said to me once “well how much time should someone wait until moving on?”. I still think about that and wonder if our relationship ends, how long will it take him? I know I won’t be out on the apps as fast as he would be.
Men. They’re just different and it’s scary how fast they can move on.
I too would be interested to hear about mediation, and why it suddenly made things so awful. So sorry to hear it was a bad exerience, though you came out well on the flip side.
If you haven’t listened to the Good Hang podcast with Amy Poehler, you should. Mostly cause it’s funny. The episode with comedienne Zarna Garg was hilarious throughout. Lots of quips from the two of them about marriage benefiting men. Zarna said something like, a woman should get married once to get it out of her system and then enjoy the rest of her life.
Your “that’s in the museum now” paragraph is beautiful. My daughter’s father and I separated when she was five, and she’s almost twenty now, so our museum is smaller than yours but I still like to visit occasionally. And even though our split was hot-headed with a downright nasty custody battle, time has smoothed down so much and I now feel a deep affection for the people we were back then; it feels almost maternal. I hope more time only brings you more peace as well.
I think Anne Lamott has written about Men Moving On with the Quickness. My memory tells me she wrote that men don’t leave until they have a backup wife waiting the wings to make their lives easier, and because she’s Anne she portrayed the Backup Wife as the getaway driver waiting by the curb with the engine running and a brand new tin that you keep by the stove to save the bacon drippings riding shotgun.
When the leaving part is mutual you’d think there would be some introspection necessary, or at least some thought required, but nope, in general they just look for the nearest willing woman shaped replacement to make their lives as smooth and creamy as possible.
This is so beautiful. I love the phrase, “it’s in the museum now.” I’m sorry for all the unpleasantness of dissolution, but your new home and new traditions sound lovely.
Congrats and I’m sorry about the apartness but I am living with my son and our family in his last year at home and I don’t EVER see him; the intentionality of your time together can be seen in a tiny way as a gift.