Nov
13
Well, it’s been a week. I mean it’s been a literal week since the Day After the Election and it’s been a week. It gets dark at, like, 3:30 now. Oregon weather looked at the news and said hey how about nonstop clouds and rain, that really seems like it’ll fit the vibe. My screen time notification actually tapped me on the shoulder and was like girl r u ok? I sat down to write this and I legitimately feel like that dotted-line emoji, like the inside of my head is mostly empty, just the sound of a heart monitor flatline echoing around with some dry-ass tumbleweeds or something, and so nothing I try to say sounds quite right but I am guessing plenty of you are with me. This has been a BUMMER.
Riley was home for the weekend. It was good to see him, this was the second visit since he moved to Portland and it was slightly less unnerving in the sense that I am getting a little bit used to him feeling like a … well, a guest? He seems to be doing well, staying busy with daily track team workouts and classes. He’s made a new friend group, he’s getting along with his roommate, he’s figured out the laundry. These are the broad strokes, anyway, which is all I get; if I’d secretly hoped our relationship would blossom via written communications the whomp-whomp reality is that he texts like a distant boyfriend who is about to dump your clingy ass.
We took him to the train station on Monday morning and it was appropriately gloomy and I should have planned more for the rest of the day because all I did was mope around wishing for do-overs. What I would give to hold that kid’s hand again, at some ideal age where he was big enough to really enjoy but not so big as to prefer his own interior world, and feel the gloriously roomy overlap of our respective Venn diagrams. But oh, there is no point in pining for impossible things.
I feel like this has been a season of uncomfortable and unwanted acceptance, over and over. Yes, the election happened the way it did. Yes, summer is long gone and even the best parts of fall and we have entered The Darkness. Yes, we’re down to one kid at home. Yes, I feel suspicious and sad/mad about half the country now and I don’t see any way out of that. Yes, I am lonely. Yes, I need to take steps to save my wellbeing and be of service and put the phone down more often because I cannot, cannot, cannot spend the next four years doomscrolling.
Surrender gets a bad rap; we think of it as weakness, a cowardly white flag. But I’m thinking of it as laying down arms in a battle that cannot be won, a fight against reality. A choice to stop resisting against what is. Giving up the idea of being able to control a certain outcome or time itself and letting myself breathe and look around at all the good things that are still here. Sweeping out the tumbleweeds and letting the light shine in to mix with the shadows.
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i relate to this so much and i agree that spending the next four years being mad about things i can’t change will do absolutely nothing but sour my last few years before my own kids start leaving the nest. i go back and forth between the weird comfort in knowing that my own life is unlikely to change dramatically with trump in office and the deep fear i feel for those who won’t be insulated. either way, there are a lot of us out here still being good and kind and i have to focus on that.
This is the moment where I saw where you were going with this and immediately started weeping: “But oh, there is no point in pining for impossible things.”
I remember that, in 2020, you said that your household’s presidential votes cancelled each other out.
“I feel suspicious and sad/mad about half the country now” – does that still include your husband?
not this time around
That is good to hear. Thank you for answering (and apologies if my initial question was rude).
Not rude, I was wondering the same thing, a relieved to hear it!
I feel all of this. The election, the drop ins from babies turned college freshmen, the weather…all of it. I wish I had words of wisdom, but all I can do is say you’re not alone. Big hugs.
Being in the doldrums feels just right considering everything. Take good care.
I feel exactly like your last paragraph.
Same
I had to get an app to block sites like Reddit and CNN. I.just.cannot be in a perpetual state of outrage for another 4 years. Thank you for describing exactly how I’m feeling!
I’m just down the road and cannot believe that we are firmly nestled into Gloom Season. Gosh, I used to read back in the day and it’s wild to check in and see how grown up the boys are! Mine are close in age to yours but the older one (20) is a technosexual late bloomer and I am so secretly glad that he is still at home. It was excruciating wondering if he’d make it through high school so I guess we deserve a little bit of happy time with him? My younger one is being lazy about getting his permit which is only kind of annoying, since the other kid is still here to ferry him around. Thanks for still writing and sharing sundrymourning – you have given me lots of comfort, giggles, and solidarity throughout the years!
Also, holy smokes about the lifelong cardiac misdiagnosis. You have probably heard of the association between mitral valve issues and migraine? Hell, I’d have heart surgery right now on the kitchen table (buy one get free [hysterectomy] would be cool too) if it meant that I never had another migraine.
Reading this I was reflecting on your posts from when Riley struggled with anxiety as a younger kid, and thinking about how kids change and grow up. My own easy-going daughter had a rough transition to freshman year at college, but it sounds like Riley is taking it in his stride: cautiously optimistic. I know that feeling well, of trying not to worry, trying to let go, the loneliness and loss of them being away, yet finding yourself adjusting to it. Thanks for this post, I feel it!
Surrender and still fight what can be fought. It is a real balancing act.
Same here. I am in danger of throwing up my hands at the whole of society and leaning into isolationism. I’m quite the introvert so don’t think I can’t do it, SOCIETY. The pause I am at right now is the undeniable fact that society does not give a rip about me or my rights or my well being or fairness or any of it, and while I’m looking around at the myriad of marginalized groups that have been living with this truth since forever with the dawning realization that “oh this is what that feels like” my outrage has taken healthy root and I will not go down fuckers. I am embarrassed that I have not felt this level of outrage for others before now.
It’s nice to read that Riley is settling in, and that your family isn’t so politically divided as before.
I promise the kid part gets easier. They DO come to a part in their lives where they share more, they reach out more and you do start to feel more like friends too, in addition to “mom”. This stage you’re in is an adjustment for both of you and he’s trying to grow while you’re trying to let him. I felt the same with each of my sons leaving into their lives and it felt like a loss as much as it was a gain. Transitioning is hard, no matter how we label or look at it. I feel you, my friend.
Trump part two is bound to be so awful, I can’t see it even lasting four years. Accepting the election results doesn’t mean abandoning action or accepting things won’t change. They will. Elon posted “Defund the poor”…well, the poor who voted for that are about to have a rude awakening. My sympathies aren’t with them…reap what ya sow, MAGA chuds.