Nov
15
I think/hope it is not too revealing to say I am not having the divorce experience I had expected. I thought it would be friendlier, that things would of course be very different but that we would still communicate as parents and do things as a differently-shaped family. That is simply not at all how things are or have been and therefore I am having a different parenting experience than I had hoped for, and that is really difficult. This last year of Dylan being home before college isn’t looking like I’d wanted and that is so hard, full stop.
I do think everyone else is pretty okay, though. You know? Which is good. And this is life, it unfolds the way it does against our wishes sometimes. I can’t change what is so I have to work with it. There are a lot of wonderful things going on and I have to lean into gratitude while still feeling the grief. Resentment is the poison in my own cup.
It seems normal to have a lot of Big Feelings these days as time goes on and I adjust more to this new life. It seems okay to feel bad that it’s not how I’d hoped it would be. My default programming is to blame myself for every bit of pain but I’m working to sit with it, let pain come to the table and just be. Yeah, this is painful, and it doesn’t mean I fucked up or that I’m a bad person — it’s just fucking painful.
The holidays are not going to be easy this year, but I am telling myself this is the hardest year. This is the worst most difficult year and it will not be this freshly-uprooted next year, I will be more stable and grounded and it will get better. And that’s okay. It’s okay to feel bad, it’s not something I need to run from or try to numb out. A heart that hurts is a heart that works, as our queen Juliana Hatfield sang.
But oh! The decorations in the stores, the happy-family portrayals in the ads, it’s a lot. One foot after the other, deep breaths. Goddamn.
Sometimes it seems like I was doing better at the beginning of all of this, I felt like I was able to ride out the fast-moving chaos of separation without too many breakdowns and now I’m in my Constantly On the Verge of Tears era. And maybe it’s not the best idea to publicly blog my way through it, I don’t know. I do feel like it helps to write it out and share, I know I’m not alone in my experiences and there has always been something healing about bringing the hurt into the open air. Here it is for you to see, maybe it means something to you to know about it. Maybe knowing that we all carry heavy loads is a way for us to hold each other up. Lighten the weight.
I wish I had a pithy wrapup here but I don’t. If you’re in your own tender season, I see you. We’ll get through this, and it’ll be okay. It’s all okay, even the things that aren’t okay.
Comments
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I think it’s great you’re writing your way through this. Although I’m not divorced, I have absolutely had dark times of This Is Not How I Thought It Would Go. It’s hard, plain and simple. Anything that helps you get through it without doing harm is necessary. God, the mommy blogs helped me keep my sanity even when I couldn’t directly relate. It’s just so helpful to know we are all humans surviving these difficult days. I do think you’re right and this will be the hardest year, so being gentle with yourself is the right move!
My parents got divorced when I was a little older than your kids and while that first holiday was hard, it somehow felt a little bit like the last scene in the Grinch — “He hadn’t stopped Christmas from coming, it came! Somehow or other, it came just the same.” It was still Christmas and yes, the years that followed were easier. (As an aside, of course I have no idea how your particular situation is unfolding but I was much less kindly inclined towards the parent who moved on to a new partner very quickly. I still love them both and many things have transpired in the 25 years that have now passed but pretending like you never really loved the other person and can just move on right away? Yeah that isn’t great from a kid’s perspective.)
Divorces never really go the way we hope they will, and in a way reinforces that divorce is the right thing for some couples.
Some people do not deserve us, our good intentions, our good gestures, patience, understanding and constant blaming of ourselves. Think about how much power and control someone has when we default to “self blame”. When we take on that heaviness and responsibility on ourselves rather than sharing it. Guess what? Not everything is our fault.
If we’re programmed to think it’s our fault, our partner or ex is a large part of that.
Please remember you are not the issue. You are doing well. You will do well. You will be okay.
This is a season and seasons pass. Some days are really hard and some seasons suck, but you will be ok.
And I’m just going to say this, I feel like we’ve all thought this throughout the many years – your ex just plain sucks and seems like a super hard man to please. Doesn’t matter what you could have done to accomodate him post divorce he’d still be a douche to you in the end and want to make things hard. That’s who he is. Yes he is all the good things you experienced, but also all the not so good things.
Also sometimes men just suck after divorce and turn into total jerks. I’ve seen this time and time in my work and again it goes back to they’ve lost power and control and will fight tooth and nail to have some semblance of control.
I hope that knowing I’m holding you in my heart – so many of us are – helps to lift you up and carry you through. Sending love and strength.
Thinking of you and glad you are finding some comfort in writing.