Jan
10
It took me having real distance from my marriage to be able to acknowledge this in my head and out loud: I was not an easy person to be married to. For plenty of reasons probably, including my lazy habit of not screwing the lid back tight on the peanut butter jar, but specifically for the fact that I struggled with addiction off and on for so many years. We were married for a long time, so there were many periods of sobriety, but too many where I tried and failed to hide substance abuse. I dealt with this like every addict does, by lying and getting defensive and turning things around and often behaving like I was the victim.
That created an unhealthy dynamic in our marriage for a long time, where he had to be the cop and I was the fuckup. It was hard not to internalize and believe these roles, I felt like ultimately I was never in the right because I was the one who was the addict. I was the worst one, you know? I always felt that way, deep down. I felt like I had no right to feel like things weren’t working for me if he was the one who stayed when I was at my worst.
He did stay, after all. He stayed through the lowest of my low points. The worst day of my life in terms of pure shame was also the day I stopped drinking. I still can’t really talk about it without wanting to, you know, die, but it involved me secretly getting drunk when I was at the cabin with my young boys and his parents. His parents had to take the boys to sleep with them while I slept off being absolutely shitfaced, and then I had to face them the next morning. And I drove home with the worst soul-eroding hangover on earth and I did not drink again after that day. May, 2013.
I hope my boys have very few memories of me being altered. I did get very good at hiding, I was a high functioning fuckup for the most part. But of course we always think we’re good at hiding when the reality is it’s apparent to other people.
Struggling with my demons always felt to me like it was my battle to fight alone, but the truth is I impacted those around me and John most of all. He was angry with me, he was supporting of me, he was encouraging, he was frustrated, he was all of the things. He probably could have benefited from something like Al-Anon. He was dragged through it and none of that was his fault.
All to say, there are no heroes or villains in our story. We are both just humans. I do think overall we had a good marriage, it wasn’t always easy but there were some really good times. I’m sad and sorry we aren’t in a better place now, but maybe that will change someday.
I cannot live in shame and regret, I did that for too long and it was so damaging. It is the job of every addict to find acceptance for what was and let that be, let it help us strive to be better but not hold us down in self loathing. I am so sorry for every bad choice, and yet I have come to feel like it all shapes who I am now. I have so much empathy for those who struggle, I feel so humble and grateful for all the good things in my life. I am so incredibly thankful that my boys don’t have to worry about me or experience me in unrecognizable behaviors.
I spent a lot of my life wishing I could undo so many things, but I don’t feel that way now. It all had meaning, even the shittiest parts. It all taught me something. I’m not who I used to be and that’s okay, we all change as time goes on. And sometimes we grow apart.
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I think it takes a great deal of strength and courage to write so frankly about one’s struggles. We all have our demons and no one is free of them.
Sometimes we think “but he/she stayed, they put up with it”. Yes it was a choice but at the same time please remember sometimes people stay because it makes them feel better to stay not because they want to.
Not saying that was the case with you, just a general thing I’ve seen in life. I’ve personally stayed in relationships I’ve knowing I shouldn’t be in and should leave but it felt good to be the martyr. After all, I was the one looking to “save” them.
I think even when we spend half our lives with someone we still don’t really know them, and we only learn more about them after things get shitty. We learn just how shitty they can be to us, not just other people and that’s a whole level of cruel.
You see I know my relationship will end. I also know he will be the most selfish and cruel person because even right now, he and his needs are number one. He makes it seem like that isn’t so, but it’s so covert that unless you look deep enough it really isn’t obvious.
I know it will be bad when it ends. I don’t know how I’ll get through it. I know I’ll be lonely. But I’m also lonely now.
I guess what I’m saying is I get it.
So brave and vulnerable. Thanks for sharing your story with us.