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Archives from 2002-2006

One of the letters to the editor in our local paper yesterday included a very detailed set of suggested instructions for how businesses should re-open, down to the number of people who should be allowed in a beauty salon at any given time (2), how many people should be allowed in the gym and for how long (10, for one hour), and how diners should be separated in restaurants (with roped-off tables and at least 2 barstools’ worth of distance at the bar).

I have to say, I’m envious of the people who feel that kind of certainty right now. I am the exact opposite of this letter-writer: I have absolutely no idea how everything should proceed and I feel totally dependent on people who are smarter than me to figure it out, which of course is difficult because not everyone can be trusted to truly have our best interests at heart and not everyone is in agreement on what our best interests actually are.

It’s becoming clear that we will all have to find our own way through this mess, there will be regulations and guidelines but ultimately it’s going to come down to our individual situations and perspectives and decisions, right? Which: UGH. Oh, I know, how inadequate is it to type a Cathy cartoon groan but just UGH UGH UGH. That’s all I’ve got: ugh.

John is gone on a rafting trip and while I do not share his fortitude for being on the river and camping in spring’s capricious weather — rafting in the rain seems grim as hell— I’m deeply jealous of his opportunity to be completely unplugged from the news and digital distractions for a few days.

We had been on a family hiking kick which I think we’ll pick back up when John’s back: a daily trek up a steep hill has been a weirdly fun ritual. Sometimes we try and beat our fastest time, sometimes we just have the goal of getting there. It’s a chance to be grateful for working lungs and the open sky. I don’t know what tomorrow is going to look like but I’m so grateful for my little crew, and I guess I’ll just keep ughing my way along and hope for better days ahead.

Can you imagine if, back when we first went into lockdown, we had been told exactly how this was going to progress? Like, oh no the kids aren’t taking a break from school — it’s over for the year, and everyone will be doing a weird online thing instead that involves daily Zoom meetings and not only will you have no differentiation between your work life (unless you are considered an essential worker, in which case your work will be a daily dice-roll involving an ever-less-comfortable series of company-required masks) and your home life but your kids won’t either. Businesses aren’t closed for this week and next, they’re going to be closed for months, and no one will really understand how things will re-open except it’s for sure going to involve a lot of worry and oppressive-feeling government regulations. While we are all taking solace from saying “when this is all over,” the truth is it won’t be over for a really long time and maybe ever and the only way life can move forward is if you either commit to self-quarantine for however many months/years it takes to get a vaccine or choose to run the risk of infection. Oh, also the federal leadership is going to be horrifyingly inept and pretty much the opposite of reassuring, which was probably the most predictable thing of all but still extremely shitty to experience.

It would have just been too much, really, and I suppose that’s why we all went on as long as we did believing that something was going to happen to make all of this go away. I know I did, anyway.

I’ve been wondering when I will see my mom and aunt again, and what it would feel like if we said fuck it, let’s just hope for the best and have a hand-washing-oriented visit, and one of them developed symptoms afterwards, and I was the cause? I’ve been worrying about my kids, who are so weirdly quiet and resigned during their school hours, and wondering what is this doing to their development.

I’ve been missing my before-life so much, and wishing I had been more grateful for what that really looked like, and all the things, big and small, that I was so easily able to do. I know life is not always going to be like it is right now, but neither will it go back to how it was. It’s going to be different and some or maybe a lot of it is going to require some major adjustments, and the best we can do is to keep going because there will still be so many things to be grateful for. But also it’s okay to just take a minute or a day to wallow in the acknowledgement that wow, this just all really fucking sucks.

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