August 7, 2007

Today the sheet rock is going up in the addition, and if there’s anything that can fuck up your whole house more than sheetrock dust, I don’t know what it is. Oh wait I do know, it’s insulation foam, which was splurted into various places over the weekend and has been occasionally breaking loose and gently drifting down from the exposed kitchen ceiling ever since.

JB’s parents were visiting last weekend, and JB’s mother kept telling me how well I was handling the remodel. “Well, you sure seem serene about all this,” she said, which instantly made me paranoid that she really meant, “Way to not even try and keep things clean, slacker.” Which I don’t think she did. Except . . . well, there was that odd moment when she fingered the coat of dust on a nearby houseplant and . . . ah, fuck it. I’m sure that’s not what she meant.

(?!)

Anyway, what else can a person do when their house is being gutted but succumb to the chaos? I hardly even notice the workers trampling around the kitchen in the morning while I’m hoovering down my increasingly large bowl of Cinnamon Life (hello, and welcome to my craving of the week) anymore. Hell, I make my coffee in the bathroom right now, what’s the use in getting worked up over a little insulation foam in my cereal?

Besides, there are far worse concerns at hand. It’s August, and maybe some of you know what that means. That’s right, it’s Giant House Spider Mating Season. And oh jesus god, I had my first encounter yesterday (after I had just recovered from reading Megan’s G.H.S. entry, too).

There it was, just lurking there on the carpet. I don’t know what made it catch my eye, maybe its sheer girth and audible footsteps. It was so big and horrifying I actually felt my brain trying to shear lose from the confines of my skull, possibly trying to escape to safety through my eyesockets.

I immediately scooped up Riley, not so much out of a fear that he would somehow be bitten but more from the deep and shameful knowledge that if he touched that godawful thing, I could never kiss him again.

I was frozen in indecision for a moment, standing there with a bemused toddler dangling from one arm, but it was apparent that in JB’s absence—he was off in the shop, too far away to hear a terrified squawk—I would have to deal with T. gigantea on my own.

When you’re a person with a bit of a spider phobia to begin with and you’re faced with an arachnid the approximate size of a fucking dinner plate, you don’t just get some paper toweling. You need long-range weaponry. I didn’t really want to squish it into the carpet, but my other options seemed equally unappealing: spray it with oven cleaner, get out a revolver and pump it full of bullets, set the entire house on fire, etc.

I ended up dragging Riley with me into the utility room where I grabbed a broom, deposited Riley on the floor and told him “STAY HERE IF YOU WANT TO LIVE”, and rushed back to the carpet where I summoned every ounce of courage and used the broom to whack frantically at the spider while simultaneously shrieking a cowardly, girly squeal of fright mighty war cry. I swear I felt that broom bounce harmlessly off the thing’s back a few times before he seemed to succumb, legs curling inward.

I used another broom to kind of sweep it onto the first broom (while being occasionally overcome with massive, full-body shudders) and I threw everything out the back door. The spider’s body rolled off the broom and lay there on the concrete. Motionless. Thank god. I went back inside and proceeded to experience the sort of heebie-jeebies that make you scream and recoil from the dark thing on the counter before realizing that ha ha ha, it’s a hairband. Ha ha ha . . . whatthefuckisthat?!?

Of course, about an hour later when JB came in and went to get the brooms, he noticed that the spider was in fact NOT DEAD. No. ALIVE. That thing took about fifty-three smacks with a broom and it was still LIVING. Still slowly, painfully crawling its way along the patio and towards the back door, surely on some dark mission of revenge, despite its many wounds, planning to limp all the way into our house and onto our bedroom ceiling, where in the dead of night, with its very last shred of strength, let itself drop down, down, down, down, into my open and snoring—

Well. Anyway, JB squished it flat. The end. I think.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, now that I’ve written all this down and relived it I have some very important activities to engage in, mainly involving batting wildly at random, invisible things nearby and lunging at various body parts in order to scratch at myself like a cracked-out baboon.

Comments

116 Responses to “Itchy”

  1. site builders on February 23rd, 2015 10:41 pm

    Hi there, I enjoy reading all of your post. I wanted to write a little comment to support you.|

  2. Foreclosed townhomes for sale on February 24th, 2015 12:48 am

    Great goods from you, man. I’ve understand your stuff previous to and you are just extremely excellent. I actually like what you’ve acquired here, really like what you’re saying and the way in which you say it. You make it enjoyable and you still take care of to keep it wise. I can not wait to read much more from you. This is actually a great website.|

  3. best bagless vacuum on February 24th, 2015 2:02 am

    Thank you for some other informative web site. The place else may just I get that kind of info written in such an ideal way? I have a venture that I’m just now running on, and I’ve been at the glance out for such info.|

  4. transvaginal mesh settlements on February 24th, 2015 4:48 am

    Nice post. I learn something totally new and challenging on blogs I stumbleupon every day. It will always be helpful to read through content from other writers and use a little something from other sites.

  5. Gabi on March 8th, 2015 12:50 am

    Never saw a spider like that bfreoe Adam. Pretty cool. I have always wanted to visit Key West (in fact, your images have led me to plan a trip there next winter), but now I am not so sure ;-oLen Saltiel recently posted..

  6. free adult sex dating on March 28th, 2015 4:45 am

    I was suggested this blog by my cousin. I am not sure whether this post is written by him as no one else know such detailed about my difficulty. You’re wonderful! Thanks!|

  7. satellite internet on March 28th, 2015 4:51 am

    Hi, after reading this remarkable post i am as well delighted to share my familiarity here with colleagues.|

  8. buy topiramate online without prescription on May 2nd, 2015 5:15 pm

    I really needed to find this info, thank God!

  9. heat pumps on July 14th, 2015 3:21 pm

    Your style is so unique in comparison to other people I have read stuff from. Thank you for posting when you’ve got the opportunity, Guess I’ll just book mark this site.|

  10. http://startsavingoninsurance.com/car-insurance-adjuster.html on July 20th, 2015 7:27 pm

    That insight’s just what I’ve been looking for. Thanks!

  11. dental crown implant on August 11th, 2015 10:52 am

    Simply want to say your article is as surprising. The clearness in your post is just cool and i could assume you’re an expert on this subject. Fine with your permission let me to grab your RSS feed to keep updated with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please continue the rewarding work.|

  12. Acrerage on November 5th, 2015 10:43 pm

    I think the admin of this web site is genuinely working hard for his website, as here every stuff is quality based information.|

  13. auction properties on November 5th, 2015 10:48 pm

    Thanks for your personal marvelous posting! I really enjoyed reading it, you may be a great author. I will be sure to bookmark your blog and will often come back at some point. I want to encourage that you continue your great work, have a nice weekend!|

  14. ArtDecoHomes.company on November 5th, 2015 11:48 pm

    My brother recommended I may like this website. He was entirely right. This post actually made my day. You cann’t consider simply how much time I had spent for this information! Thank you!|

  15. cheap satellite internet on January 26th, 2016 4:20 pm

    It’s an amazing article designed for all the online users; they will obtain advantage from it I am sure.|

  16. sex on February 23rd, 2016 3:52 pm

    I have been surfing online more than 3 hours today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours. It is pretty worth enough for me. In my view, if all webmasters and bloggers made good content as you did, the web will be a lot more useful than ever before.

Leave a Reply