I used to think I knew what ironic meant until Alanis did that song and everyone with an English degree started snarking about how the lyrics totally mutilated the meaning of the word, and I was all, wait, I thought a death row pardon two minutes too late was ironic? Well, fuck me.

So it’s either irony or some more appropriate, smart-sounding word that the day after a bunch of (colorful description deleted for the sake of trying to follow the If You Can’t Say Something Nice Rule) readers over at ParentDish lambasted me for being an abusive dog owner, Dog all of a sudden has this big cut on one of her toes—probably from the razor-sharp shards of glass we force her to lie in—and we’ve been doting on her to the point of waiting on her paw and foot (although I drew the line at letting her on the bed, my sleep is spotty enough these days without a big hairy beast hogging the covers, and to add Dog to the mix would really just be too much) (har har HAR!).

After I (foolishly) went and wrote an article about how I sometimes tell her to stop licking herself for the love of god then sat back dumbfounded while people reacted as though I had confessed to spending my spare time ramming toothpicks into her eye sockets and forcing her to drink bleach, my penance is to listen to Dog, wait for it, LICKING her hurt paw constantly, and of course I can’t say a damn thing about it, because then I really would be an asshole. Slup . . . slup . . . slup . . . ah, the repetitive, saliva-coated sound of IRONY! I think! Depending on what that word means!

By the way, let me just take a moment to thank you guys for being such a consistently supportive, awesome presence out there on the other side of this blog. I am more grateful than ever for the privilege of your company, now that I’m writing elsewhere in an environment that seems to attract a lot of uhhhhh negative attention. Thanks for not bringing the crazy, and thanks also for encouraging me to get my goddamned hair done already:


I got it hacked and colored today, and I feel like a new woman! I mean, sure: still ridiculously pregnant and all, but hey, at least my hair is less craptacular. GOOD IDEA YOU GUYS HIGH FIVE.

More pictures!

Hee. Cabinet Cat is watching you masturbate.

The hilariousness of a small child post-buzzcut, wearing a too-big shirt, and sporting his NEW SHOES which he is very, very proud of. (Don’t tell him they’re from Old Navy and probably made in China from various toxic substances.)

In addition to learning to do somersaults recently the boy has mastered the art of jumping with both feet, like a KANGAWOO MOMMY, NOOK!

Oh and also he can do ninja karate moves. JB will warn you: men, cover your nuts.


134 Responses to “Black fly, Chardonnay”

  1. Kristin H on January 7th, 2008 6:54 am

    When I read the licking post? I thought Oh my GOD, the licking, the liiiiiicking! And it made me glad we no longer have dogs. Love em, but I am up to armpits in kids and that’s all I can do for now. I am also glad I skipped the comments on that one.

    LOVE your hair. Love the Riley pictures too!

  2. Amity on January 7th, 2008 7:27 am

    LOVE the haircut/color. :) Your Riley is TOO cute.

  3. JennyM on January 7th, 2008 7:27 am

    I know it’s been said before, but how awesome is your kitchen?! I am in kitchen lust.

    Our Big Red Dog just had surgery last month to remove a bunch of cysts and a couple of scary-looking moles and some buckshot(!!!) that he’d acquired in his previous life, and he was seriously Frankendog for a while, all mysterious bald patches and ugly stitches and the LICKING, DEAR GOD, THE LICKING. Wilbur and I got to where we were synchronized in the “STOP! LICKING!” when we’d hear that surreptitious “slurrrrp” from the other room. I can’t imagine what some of your commenters would have said if the could have seen our poor Frankendog. Because technically, I suppose, we did do that to him on purpose.

    Anyway, YOU are the bestest. Throw Cat at ’em.

  4. Christina on January 7th, 2008 7:39 am

    I did not read the rest of the posts here but I do not think I much like the people who read the parent trap (what the hell is it called again? AND I always seem to see people bitching about how shitty the commentors are over at Parent dish – not just with reference to you but in general…) I looked at the “drama” this morning and thought ‘OMG these are the same people who go on the babycenter.com boards and cause a drama and than talk about to ad nauseam…’ YUCK!

    I bitch at my dogs all the time – Santana, the Jack Russell, slurps and licks himself and the couch and me and my husband and UGH STOP ALREADY! However, I still love them and dote upon them and cannot imagine my world without them. I still call Santana my little baby and talk baby talk to him b/c he is – he was the 1st I had since I was a kid and he was/is my little baby! But sometimes they are a pain the rump. Whatever… how does that bumper sticker go? “Mean People Suck” – You cannot please everyone, right?!

    Love the hair, glad you did it – it will help you feel wonderful during the last weeks of pregnancy and first weeks with baby!

    Also, love the photos of Riley – too cute!

  5. R Wayne on January 7th, 2008 7:42 am

    Actually, this would be the place where Cabinet Cat watches you masticate.

  6. Kelsey on January 7th, 2008 7:45 am

    I had never been over to Parent Dish before you started writing there. I was really taken aback at some of the comments, thinking they were a joke at first. Oh well. I will keep reading Linda Lee but probably pass on exploring the site too much, yikes!

    I also agree with the assessment, Riley = supreme cuteness. Can’t wait to see the next one!

  7. Tara on January 7th, 2008 7:59 am

    The people over at ParentDish would really hate me, then. I have to regularly nudge one of my cats out of my way, as she has the annoying habit of walking right under my feet (and on STAIRS, that is so much fun!!). And I yell at her when she steals my knitting and runs under the nearest table with it–shame on me for spoiling her playful kitten fun!

    I also tell our dog to cut it out when he starts giving himself oral, because who wants to listen to that? He’s always in my way in the kitchen, too, so I’m constantly yelling at him to MOVE ALREADY, DAMMIT.

    My other two pets are fairly well behaved, so they escape my senseless rages most of the time, unless I just feel the need to throw something furry so I can hear it thump against the wall. (I KID, I KID!!)

    Oh, and. . . your hair looks fab, Riley’s adorable, and I deeply envy you your kitchen. :-)

  8. Operation Pink Herring on January 7th, 2008 8:03 am

    I missed out on the ParentDish smackdown (I love your stuff there, but can’t keep up — is there an RSS feed that I can add to my reader?), and I didn’t want to add another comment to the insanity over there. Holy hell. Good thing you didn’t post the pictures of the Cat Toss over there!

    Please don’t let them get to you. Dog is lucky to have a family like yours.

  9. Alexandria on January 7th, 2008 8:41 am

    Riley is ADORABLE. I may explode from the cuteness!

    Your hair! So cute! Mine just lays there, yours is awesome!

    *had kitchen envy*

    I have two dogs and one’s a licker. She must be licking something ALL THE TIME. Paw, leg, girlie bits…whatever. IT MUST STOP. “You! Dog! STOP IT!”
    OH, and The Cat. I swear she licks and chews on herself JUST TO DRIVE ME CRAZY. It gets her evicted from the room Every Single Time.
    Surely that snotty “nyuhnyuhnyuh” sound when the cat is digging into her/his fur with her/his front teeth drives other people crazy?

  10. Amber on January 7th, 2008 9:46 am

    I have noticed that the ParentDish people are really angry. I only read because you’re there and seriously, aren’t there more stringent rules about assholes over there? Plus, who are these parents who have all this time to write negative crap?

    I love the karate pic – the face, it is priceless!

    In other news, Go Beavs!

  11. Jaidnoire on January 7th, 2008 10:06 am

    As usual, Riley is exploding with cuteness!

    As for the PD drama…..I too was so very irritated when I read the comments to the Dog post (and even more recent posts). So confused about the anger and the image of “sticks up asses” kept popping up – definitely a case of some people lacking a sense of humor. Of course I can ignore comments, but that’s *really* hard as I’ve come to love the comments from those who frequent(ed)this site and Purple is a Fruit almost as much as Linda’s posts themselves – even becoming addicted to some of the commenter’s blogs (ie Swistle, Jonniker, etc.)
    Kinda messed up that I may miss out on some good blog links @ PD due to few crazies!

  12. Jenny J. on January 7th, 2008 10:07 am

    Yes! You did it!

    Hot hair. Hot phone.

  13. squandra on January 7th, 2008 11:00 am

    Sundry, I’m sorry you have to deal with that. Crazy Pet People are bad enough, and Crazy Internets People are bad enough. The combination? Back away slowly.

    We’re trying to adopt a dog from a private organization right now, so we’ve been dealing with the same … uh, unique priorities. Let it be said that my boyfriend and I are both life-long, bleeding-heart animal lovers … And let it be said that we know they mean well … But damn, they still crazy.

  14. Melanie on January 7th, 2008 11:01 am

    I read the dog post over at PD a few days ago, and I laughed out loud because it was so true! Who knew there were so many crazies out there who have so much time on their hands to yell at you!?

    And I love the last pic – my daughter had to go get something out of the playroom the other night. It was dark, and her brother was tormenting her by telling her there were monsters in there. She looks at me and says, “Don’t worry, Mommy. I’ll Hi-ya them!” Hee

    ‘scuz me – time to yell at the dog eating chicken bones out of the trash can…

  15. Audrey on January 7th, 2008 11:20 am

    I don’t know where on the paw Dog’s cut is, but if it’s somewhere that you can bandage it in some way, here’s a way to stop the licking: Wrap the cut area (even if it’s just with a paper towel and tape) and then spread a chili powder-water paste over the bandage/paper towel. Most dogs don’t like spicy stuff, so one taste of that should discourage the licking. Unless, of course, Dog loves her some chili powder, in which case it’ll only make the licking worse. Good luck! I personally can’t stand it when my dog wakes up in the middle of the night with a dry mouth and spends 20 minutes SMACK-SMACK-SMACKING his lips. I love him, but MY GOSH whose mouth is ever THAT dry?

  16. Sundry on January 7th, 2008 11:51 am

    I can’t stop laughing at the way some of you describe how your pets sound — EXACTLY! The smacking, the “nyuhnyuhnyuh” sound, the surreptitious slurrrrrrrp. GOD!

  17. Eric's Mommy on January 7th, 2008 12:41 pm

    I also like when dogs do that little nibble thingy too.

  18. Beej on January 7th, 2008 2:17 pm

    My dog had an injury on her paw, and she kept licking it and licking it and licking it. She never gave it a chance to heal b/c she kept licking it to the point where it would get pussed up.

    I sprayed a bit of bitter apple on the cut. yeah, it stung a bit, but it made her stop licking so it got the chance to heal.

  19. kalisah on January 7th, 2008 2:27 pm

    Your hair looks fab (as does the new kitchen). Boy’s as cute as ever. Good work all around.

  20. Donna on January 7th, 2008 3:40 pm

    Good God, I can’t believe I missed all the action by not checking Parent Dish over the weekend — what is up with pet owners who take themselves AND THEIR ANIMALS far, far too seriously? The over-reactions to a humorous column were unbelievable. I had to come back to All and Sundry to calm myself down by gorging on pictures of that Little Cutie !!

  21. Lesley on January 7th, 2008 3:54 pm

    The funniest description of an animal sound I’ve ever found was from http://www.plain-jane.com/ who described her cat’s “chunching.”

  22. christen on January 7th, 2008 11:41 pm

    Linda I love you. Probably because my mother was a psycho animal abuser so I felt 100% comfortable with you and have stalked you since your first post on Diaryland (yes, Diaryland).

    Jesus H. Christ. Of course I am not a stalker, and I do love your writing – we should, like, totally hang out if you come to Cali – but daaayyyyyuuuuuummmmm. People’s crazy, yo.

    I am about to go to bed which I know will result in me yelling at my own cat for a good fifteen to twenty minutes, about every minute or so until I get out of bed and throw her off the windowsill (into the house, not outside, of course). That’s right – my cat is a Window Licker. I don’t effing know why, she fell off the balcony once (quick, call Sarah McLachlan at the ASPCA) (and omg how sad is that commercial?) and ever since – she licks every. freaking. thing. in. our. apartment.

    Have you ever heard cat tongue on screen?

    It’s winter now, so at least it’s cat tongue on glass – but still. Scheep, scheep, scheep – “CHARLOTTE! STOP IT! COME HERE! – silence – scheep…. scheep scheep scheep scheep – “CHARLOTTE!”

    You get the picture.

    She also licks carpet (heh heh), walls, doors, cabinets, floors, shower doors, pantlegs, the recliner, etc…

    All while looking at me, like she knows it’s wrong but she just can’t stop.

    Sorry for such a long comment.


  23. emily on January 8th, 2008 7:07 am

    Before I left my house this morning I gave my dog her Nylabone, because just the THOUGHT of her slrrrp, slrrrrp, slrrrp sound while I am at work drives me insane!

  24. Victoria on January 8th, 2008 5:36 pm

    Ok, cabinet cat I couldn’t find for the longest time (hint, don’t look under) and the jumping photos are the cutest thing EVAR!

  25. amy on January 8th, 2008 6:34 pm

    oh boy, some people have issues (and waaaay too much time on their hands), don’t they?

    first of all, your blog is hilarious and entertaining. your latest entry about Dog was nothing but heartfelt and funny. i am a huge, HUGE animal lover (my husband knows if he suddenly develops any cat allergies, he’ll be moving to the garage).

    i am NOT, however, in the same camp as the over-the-top nut jobs who railed on you so bad. i sat and read every posted comment on PD, and by the end my jaw was hitting my keyboard.

    anyway, i just wanted to post here to say…keep up the great work! you have many fans, myself included.

    p.s. cabinet cat, so spooooky. yikes!

  26. Amie on January 8th, 2008 8:11 pm

    I’m a little late on this one, but man…isn’t it amazing what people will lambaste you for? I recently got my ass chewed out for posting that my dog had killed an opossum in our *gasp* semi-rural backyard. Granted, I was more than a little gleeful about it, but still. An opossum. Killed by a dog. Makes me a horrible person spreading hate to an ignorant viewership. Gotsta lurve the internet.

    Also? Love the picture of your kid posing precariously on the edge of a granite countertop. You horrible person, you.

    Now excuse me while I go look up my pictures of Gabe with his head *in* the toilet.

  27. Elisette on January 8th, 2008 9:49 pm

    Wow. I’m late on this, too, but people are STOOPID. Oy.

  28. Meagan on January 9th, 2008 12:01 am

    “I sincerely hope that those people don’t follow some link (is there really one in the comments?) to find you here. This site and your great commenters really are a highlight of my day. I hope this site stays fun, and that the awful PD people stay over there in their hole.”

    There is, and I did. I followed it because I’ve liked Linda’s writing and was looking forward to some more. BTW I second the GO DUCKS comment, born and raised in Eugene. Since I moved to Cleveland everyone thinks OSU is Ohio State (sorry THE Ohio State) so sad. Anyway keep up the entertaining, I promise I won’t be crazy or mean or rabid or anything.

  29. honeywine on January 9th, 2008 11:40 am

    Licking I can take. (heh heh) It’s the humping I can’t stand! (Poor M.) Since Pascal’s balls dropped, I had to take away his teddy bear for fear of toy molestation charges. I’m sure those dog ppl would have me burned at the stake too!

  30. breckgirl on January 9th, 2008 5:01 pm

    I’ve missed you, Linda. And SCREW those hosebags regarding the dog and the licking sound. I f-ing cannot STAND it when my dog is doing that same “shlup, shlup, shlup” I mean stop licking your nuts, already. Anyway – you crack me up. Hair is great, photos of cat and child are darling (love the hopping – my son Wyatt is also fond of hopping these days) and shit, his Old Navy shoes should be arriving any day now. I am so excited for your new baby! Sounds like you are, too! Take care.

  31. Ginitag44 on January 11th, 2008 9:29 am

    I was very suprised at all the self-righteous replies to your post over on ParentDish. You are not alone, we all yell at our poor dogs and cats. That doesn’t mean that we love them any less….By the way you look fabulous and Riley is the most kick-ass ninja EVER!

  32. sophielovespeanutbutter on January 11th, 2008 3:15 pm

    Is it irony that there is a 1-800-PETMEDS advert displaying a oh-so-sad dejected looking pug on the DogGate page?

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