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Mar
6
Completely infantile discussions I have had with JB lately:
JB: “Hey, I heard a joke today. There’s this husband and wife lying in bed and the husband turns to her and starts trying to get some action, and she tells him, ‘Not tonight, I have a gynecologist exam in the morning’. So the guy thinks for a minute and then asks, ‘You don’t have a dentist appointment, do you?”
Me: “Ha. Not bad.”
JB: “I think you could substitute the term proctologist, too.”
Me: “Right.”
JB: “Because—”
Me: “I GET IT.”
:::
Me (to JB who has just walked in the door from work): “Jesus, thank god. The baby just yakked on the sofa, Riley’s been acting like an asshole all afternoon, I didn’t get one spare minute to myself all damn day long and if I see one more dirty dish left on the table for the fucking cleaning fairy to take care of I will sink into madness and I will take you all with me.”
JB (thinking for a minute): “So . . . no ‘welcome home BJ’, then?”
:::
Me: “Let’s see, so we need eggs, cheese, frozen waffles for Riley . . . and what’s this item, a little something called Boner Rise?”
JB: “Heh.”
Me: “Dude, what are you—twelve?”
JB: “Made you say ‘boner rise’.”
:::
JB: “I’ve got another joke. How do you keep a gay guy in suspense?”
Me (thinking): “. . .”
Me (eventually): “How?”
JB (sniggering): “. . .”
Me: “Ohh. Ha.”
JB: “Har!”
Me: “Now I am gay.”
:::
Me (to JB, who has just stepped out of the shower): “You know, now that I spend so much of my day dealing with tiny penises, I have to tell you, you look enormous in comparison.”
JB: “Why thank you.”
Me: “I mean, like, elephantine almost. It’s sort of terrifying.”
JB: “You have my permission to share that on your blog. About my elephantine dong, I mean.”
Me: “You do know I mean elephantine as compared to an infant’s, right?”
JB (not listening): “Make sure you mention the part about it being terrifying.”
Comments
94 Responses to “Ladies and gentlemen, my husband”
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Holy cow!
wow, I think *I* want to marry JB. for his sense of humor, not his terrifying, elephantine dong, of course.
Hahaha … dude, do you ever just want to, like, bathe your family in estrogen?
Tears are streaming down my face.
i’m glad in all the crazy newborn/toddler mnadness y’all are still keeping up with the drrty humor.
cause sometimes it aint easy to joke/take a joke when all you want to do is be left the eff alone. so, yah for family humor!!!!
Oh, I’m sooo cracking up at this. My house is all potty talk, all the time with my Hubby and 3 boyz. So I appreciate your humor.
You & JB totally crack me up!
hahaha. He’s hilarious. I love the addition of the “Boner Rise” to the shopping list. Don’t you totally wish you could pick that one up at the store!?
I love goofy couples, and you and JB (and his elephantine dong, which must be a third in the partnership) definitely rate!
as a mother of a 9 month old and an almost 3 year old, you made me laugh, snort and cry with that last paragraph. terrifying indeed!
You guys are so awesome.
LOL he sounds like my husband who always goes to the penis. I guess it’s a guy thing.
OMG hahahahahaah so classic. Shortly after I’d given birth to my son my husband was feeling left out of it a bit — and wanted some action.
I tossed him some hand cream and a girly magazine and said simply — “proceed”
I am almost in tears with laughter:)
Love that grocery list stuff. My husband is always adding interesting items in hopes that someday I’ll return from shopping with “drum o’ lube”, “ass spray” or the good old “two lips on my organ”. I have yet to see any of the items in the aisles of Fred Meyer. After loading groceries into the car, I’ve left the list behind a few times and always wondered if some poor soul has ever found it in my cart. Love the elephantine dong…go JB!
That is too funny! My favorite is the no welcome home BJ? comment. Ha!
sometimes I think we’re married to the same man…hilarious!
Although, being hugely pregnant and uncomfortable – I think I’m losing my sense of humor about that stuff at this point. HA
Those all could have been conversations from my house, too. They really never grow up, do they?
That’s AWESOME!
I love it when in the middle of the kid maddness, E and I start with the dirty 5th grade humor.
I recently saw a punkrock father and his two punkrock kids in their “alternative” T-shirts. The toddler’s shirt said “Hung like a five-year-old.”
HA!
I needed that laugh!!!!!
I think JB and my husband were cut from the same mold. It’s good to see you guys have the same sense of humor we do, makes me feel more normal.
my God I hope I have that some day.
I hope one day that Riley and Dylan are reading through the archives of this site to learn about their early childhood and stumble upon this post. I can only imagine them both cringing as they read it while clicking away as fast as possible exclaiming, “Ewwww, mom, gross!!!”
Thank you, I so needed to LMAO.
OMG! Thanks for the laughs, so needed today!
HA! Thanks for the laugh.
Wonderful. You are one lucky woman.
I am so glad that it isn’t just me and my husband who have this sense of humor.
That made me laugh. Thank you.
And that’s just what you TELL us! I can’t imagine being a fly on the wall over there, girl.
HAR
Thankfully the computer lab is pretty much empty, otherwise I’d be carted out by security at this point for laughing too loud :) Just curious: do you ever wonder sometimes if this is actually your life and not some weird alternate reality? B/t your grocery list and the man jelly… damn… :D
You know, there are times I have to look at the man without giggling and snoring. AL
Y’all are quite the Martin and Lewis. Except with BJ jokes.
Also, is there any better description of motherhood than spending your days “dealing with tiny penises”? That kills me. And strangely, it applies to office/professional work as well. (rimshot!)
Ha ha! He is so cute.
Reason 45298583 why you are the favorite blog of many. HAHAHAHAAHHAAH!
and not even one baby girl to help out the testosterone in that house! Hilarious! You are going to need your sense of humor as those boys grow up. I can’t wait to read about it.
Omg…I’m laughing so hard right now!
Awesome! Im gald Im not the only one married to a 14 year old.
Just for you and JB!
1. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? Goes-in-tight.
2. What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like? Depends ..
3. What’s “68″?
You do me and I owe you one.
4. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged!
5. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
6. Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
Because if you’ll eat that stuff, you’ll eat anything.
7. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
8. What’s the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
9. What two words will clear out a men’s restroom? “Nice dick!”
10. What do you call a truckload of vibrators? Toys for twats.
11. Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?
12. What’s the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you’re in .. definitely!
13. Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
14. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as a meat substitute.
15. What do you call kids born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts.
16. What is every Amish woman’s private fantasy? Two Mennonite.
17. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught fire.
18. Why is sex like a game of bridge?
You don’t need a partner if you’ve got a good hand.
19. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator.
20. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.
21. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
22. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant. (Man jelly!)
I would love to be a fly on the wall at your house… you guys are hilarious.
Were JB and my husband, PK, separated at birth or something? This is eerily reminiscent of several of our conversations ….
::insert twilight zone music::
Or maybe all men are 12 year old boys, just dying to get out.
The grocery list thing reminds me of my dad. Instead of “Moosehead” (beer), he used to write “Moose Jism” on the grocery list. Well, in high school one day, one of my more innocent girl friends read the list and asked me “what’s jism?” So I made her go ask my Dad, who made her go ask my Mom. Poor girl probably went home and asked her parents.
Donna you are hilarious!!!!
Brilliant, just brilliant. The terrifying elephantine dong will keep me laughing all day :)
Man. I needed that laugh today. I guess I really *am* 12.
dear sweet lord. that was amazing.
thanks for the mid-day laugh :)
Oh my goodness, thanks for the afternoon laughter!
let me assure you – you’re two little ones will completely stop maturing at the age of 12 as well.
It’s funny when YOUR husband does it though.
Hehehe … you said “terrifying…” hehehe
Cornholio!
The internet is a very, very funny place to be today. The endorphins. They are flowing.
Your husband and mine would get along splendidly.
To echo others, glad I’m not the only one married the a guy that never grew out of penis jokes.
I sooo look forward to each new post, your writing brings a smile to my face. : )
If I hadn’t seen pictures of JB, I would swear were married to the same man.
This makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER about the occasional conversation that Sean and I have that involve…ahem…less modest topics.
I think my husband and JB are twins separated at birth!
Haahahaha you crazy kids you! I hope you never grow out of stuff like this, it makes the tough days bearable!
Oh my god. You two are too funny. Although I don’t really get the one about leaving the gay guy in suspense… I’ll just laugh along like I do! HA!
Oh my god the funny.
Hubby told me that dentist appointment joke just the other day. I’ll have to mention the addition of the proctologist though. He’ll like that.
What? Boner Rise isn’t a weekly grocery list item in you guys’ homes? Weirdos.
Ha! I am so glad my boyfriend and I aren’t the only ones.
You can’t help but feel like an impostor in the adult world sometimes, you know? We eat our vegetables but have been known flash each other while cooking them … We keep a monthly household budget but James always writes “Poop!” on mine … The list goes on and on.
Delurking to say that was f*cking hysterical! I’m sure I’m not supposed to be laughing this loud in the library!
I’ve thought this for a long time, but I swear JB and my husband are the same person.
This morning:
Me: Did you make me a lunch today?
Hubs: There’s a protein shake right here for ya.
Me: (stupidly) Where?
…
Hubs: (taking offense) Just because I’m asian, doesn’t mean you can say that!
My how that went awry.
HA HA! Holy crap, that’s hilarious!
BONER RISE!
Jesus God.
My husband exposing himself to the cat is about as funy as it gets as my place.
I am 21 and I hope that one day, and I hope that one day I find a man like J.B to marry. For his humor of course not the dong size.
I think I am in love with your husband..HEE!
Oh and I need to add that I was totally thinking that BEFORE the dong disclosure, but now? Now I know I am in love, I mean, who could love a man that is no larger than a toddler pee pee?
Oh, that’s right, 1990, I did.
Moving on…
JB has lovely handwriting. My husband has the handwriting of a serial killer.
I think JB was a soldier or sailor in his former life; he is such a PERV!
In other words, I think he is fucking HILARious!
So Hilarious. I’m quite relieved that it isn’t just my husband that is constantly talking, alluding, trying to get action for or joking about his, ummm, manhood!
so now my kids had to come stare at me to see why I’m laughing.
Now all of the conversations I have with my husband seem incredibly boring!
So funny… JB is awesome, in a totally pervy gross way! :)
I’m glad to see that I am not the only woman who spends most of the time having off-color conversations with my husband. The REAL fun, however, is when your boys become teenagers and begin to understand the dirty jokes…….They turn this wonderful shade of red.
Ahhhh hahah hah hah!
My boyfriend lost his father quite suddenly last fall. I hadn’t seen him through the long days leading up to his dad’s passing so when he finally came over – exhausted, wrung out, low, blue, etc – I was in Best Ever Girlfriend Mode…a nice dinner, beer, hugs, comforting words, etc. One of his first comments? “So…how about a sympathy blow job then?”
Oh our lovely men – they’ll take any opening eh? Wait! Let me re-phrase that…
Thanks there is diet coke on my brand new monitor but i SO needed a laugh. Ya’ll are truly awesome.
you guys have really good sense of humor. :)
*snort*
Oh crap. Just did that again. You guys are hilarious!
You’re killin’ me. (as usual)
Love the last bit. Be sure to tell JB we’re all TERRIFIED.
so…no welcome home BJ
that made me snork my adult beverage through my nose
if it were me, I’d casually leave that grocery list in some random aisle at the store for someone to find.
Hahahahah!!! You guys crack me up!
Wait until Riley and Dylan are teenagers. :) You, my dear, are outnumbered.
Oh wow. And here I thought my husband was the only 13 year old boy trapped in an adult man’s body.
My husband to me last week
Husband: Hey babe,whats the difference between a gyno and a pizza delivery guy
Me: ???????????????
Husband: They can both smell it but not eat it
Me: wow, ummm wow!
hahahaha. My husband does that to my shopping lists too! :) It’s the little things, right? (or maybe the big things when compared to little things)
Thanks to you and JB I use the term “smoking pole” on a regular basis. Not that I actually smoke pole, oh my no,I just like to make reference to it.(am adjusting halo now)
You guys need to find the humor with little ones in the house. Well done.
*dead*
Another person who really, really needed a laugh today. Thank you….lol
Wait, do you get humped/groped every time you pass him in the house/speak to him/look at him? Why is it just my husband? WTF?
Oh, about the terrifying, huge penis; I just compare my husband’s with our male cat’s. Of course, this is only when he asks “Who rocks the biggest cock?” Well, he asked for it.
I love it when you make me laugh out loud.
Hm… what does it say about me that this made me laugh until I wept?
Danielle – you aren’t alone! Maybe we should form a club.
I AM FREAKING CRYING LAUGHING. My husband and JB are most definitely twins separated at birth.
I’m loving that kind of talk. So funny!
Well it makes me feel better to know that I have to grow older, but I never actually have to grow up. Ha! You’re gay now, that kills me. And the welcome home BJ, classic. I laughed my ass off. Now I just have to find an extremely patient woman with a good sense of humor and I’ll be ready to act like I’m ten for the rest of my life.