Completely infantile discussions I have had with JB lately:

JB: “Hey, I heard a joke today. There’s this husband and wife lying in bed and the husband turns to her and starts trying to get some action, and she tells him, ‘Not tonight, I have a gynecologist exam in the morning’. So the guy thinks for a minute and then asks, ‘You don’t have a dentist appointment, do you?”
Me: “Ha. Not bad.”
JB: “I think you could substitute the term proctologist, too.”
Me: “Right.”
JB: “Because—”
Me: “I GET IT.”


Me (to JB who has just walked in the door from work): “Jesus, thank god. The baby just yakked on the sofa, Riley’s been acting like an asshole all afternoon, I didn’t get one spare minute to myself all damn day long and if I see one more dirty dish left on the table for the fucking cleaning fairy to take care of I will sink into madness and I will take you all with me.”
JB (thinking for a minute): “So . . . no ‘welcome home BJ’, then?”


Me: “Let’s see, so we need eggs, cheese, frozen waffles for Riley . . . and what’s this item, a little something called Boner Rise?”


JB: “Heh.”
Me: “Dude, what are you—twelve?”
JB: “Made you say ‘boner rise’.”


JB: “I’ve got another joke. How do you keep a gay guy in suspense?”
Me (thinking): “. . .”
Me (eventually): “How?”
JB (sniggering): “. . .”
Me: “Ohh. Ha.”
JB: “Har!”
Me: “Now I am gay.”


Me (to JB, who has just stepped out of the shower): “You know, now that I spend so much of my day dealing with tiny penises, I have to tell you, you look enormous in comparison.”
JB: “Why thank you.”
Me: “I mean, like, elephantine almost. It’s sort of terrifying.”
JB: “You have my permission to share that on your blog. About my elephantine dong, I mean.”
Me: “You do know I mean elephantine as compared to an infant’s, right?”
JB (not listening): “Make sure you mention the part about it being terrifying.”


94 Responses to “Ladies and gentlemen, my husband”

  1. Jamie on March 6th, 2008 1:39 pm

    This makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER about the occasional conversation that Sean and I have that involve…ahem…less modest topics.

  2. Sherri on March 6th, 2008 1:41 pm

    I think my husband and JB are twins separated at birth!

  3. Jennifer on March 6th, 2008 1:45 pm

    Haahahaha you crazy kids you! I hope you never grow out of stuff like this, it makes the tough days bearable!

  4. Mary O on March 6th, 2008 1:47 pm

    Oh my god. You two are too funny. Although I don’t really get the one about leaving the gay guy in suspense… I’ll just laugh along like I do! HA!

  5. Amy on March 6th, 2008 1:54 pm

    Oh my god the funny.

  6. warcrygirl on March 6th, 2008 1:57 pm

    Hubby told me that dentist appointment joke just the other day. I’ll have to mention the addition of the proctologist though. He’ll like that.

  7. McWriter on March 6th, 2008 1:59 pm

    What? Boner Rise isn’t a weekly grocery list item in you guys’ homes? Weirdos.

  8. squandra on March 6th, 2008 2:10 pm

    Ha! I am so glad my boyfriend and I aren’t the only ones.

    You can’t help but feel like an impostor in the adult world sometimes, you know? We eat our vegetables but have been known flash each other while cooking them … We keep a monthly household budget but James always writes “Poop!” on mine … The list goes on and on.

  9. Emily on March 6th, 2008 2:10 pm

    Delurking to say that was f*cking hysterical! I’m sure I’m not supposed to be laughing this loud in the library!

  10. jonniker on March 6th, 2008 2:26 pm

    I’ve thought this for a long time, but I swear JB and my husband are the same person.

  11. Beth on March 6th, 2008 2:27 pm

    This morning:
    Me: Did you make me a lunch today?
    Hubs: There’s a protein shake right here for ya.
    Me: (stupidly) Where?

    Hubs: (taking offense) Just because I’m asian, doesn’t mean you can say that!

    My how that went awry.

  12. Cassie on March 6th, 2008 2:44 pm

    HA HA! Holy crap, that’s hilarious!

  13. Jennifer on March 6th, 2008 3:19 pm


    Jesus God.

    My husband exposing himself to the cat is about as funy as it gets as my place.

  14. Amanda W on March 6th, 2008 3:47 pm

    I am 21 and I hope that one day, and I hope that one day I find a man like J.B to marry. For his humor of course not the dong size.

  15. Kay on March 6th, 2008 3:58 pm

    I think I am in love with your husband..HEE!

  16. Kay on March 6th, 2008 3:59 pm

    Oh and I need to add that I was totally thinking that BEFORE the dong disclosure, but now? Now I know I am in love, I mean, who could love a man that is no larger than a toddler pee pee?
    Oh, that’s right, 1990, I did.

    Moving on…

  17. biscuit on March 6th, 2008 4:26 pm

    JB has lovely handwriting. My husband has the handwriting of a serial killer.

    I think JB was a soldier or sailor in his former life; he is such a PERV!

    In other words, I think he is fucking HILARious!

  18. Cass on March 6th, 2008 4:30 pm

    So Hilarious. I’m quite relieved that it isn’t just my husband that is constantly talking, alluding, trying to get action for or joking about his, ummm, manhood!

  19. Caroline Bingham on March 6th, 2008 4:32 pm

    so now my kids had to come stare at me to see why I’m laughing.

  20. K on March 6th, 2008 4:39 pm

    Now all of the conversations I have with my husband seem incredibly boring!

  21. misti on March 6th, 2008 4:42 pm

    So funny… JB is awesome, in a totally pervy gross way! :)

  22. Alyson on March 6th, 2008 5:48 pm

    I’m glad to see that I am not the only woman who spends most of the time having off-color conversations with my husband. The REAL fun, however, is when your boys become teenagers and begin to understand the dirty jokes…….They turn this wonderful shade of red.

  23. Victoria on March 6th, 2008 6:13 pm

    Ahhhh hahah hah hah!

  24. Lara on March 6th, 2008 6:53 pm

    My boyfriend lost his father quite suddenly last fall. I hadn’t seen him through the long days leading up to his dad’s passing so when he finally came over – exhausted, wrung out, low, blue, etc – I was in Best Ever Girlfriend Mode…a nice dinner, beer, hugs, comforting words, etc. One of his first comments? “So…how about a sympathy blow job then?”

    Oh our lovely men – they’ll take any opening eh? Wait! Let me re-phrase that…

  25. Cara on March 6th, 2008 7:13 pm

    Thanks there is diet coke on my brand new monitor but i SO needed a laugh. Ya’ll are truly awesome.

  26. Naomi on March 6th, 2008 7:14 pm

    you guys have really good sense of humor. :)

  27. JenK on March 6th, 2008 7:15 pm


    Oh crap. Just did that again. You guys are hilarious!

  28. rb on March 6th, 2008 8:26 pm

    You’re killin’ me. (as usual)

  29. Clueless But Hopeful Mama on March 6th, 2008 8:26 pm

    Love the last bit. Be sure to tell JB we’re all TERRIFIED.

  30. Chris on March 6th, 2008 10:05 pm

    so…no welcome home BJ

    that made me snork my adult beverage through my nose

  31. Lesley on March 6th, 2008 10:29 pm

    if it were me, I’d casually leave that grocery list in some random aisle at the store for someone to find.

  32. Reese on March 6th, 2008 11:17 pm

    Hahahahah!!! You guys crack me up!

  33. thejunebug on March 7th, 2008 12:39 am

    Wait until Riley and Dylan are teenagers. :) You, my dear, are outnumbered.

  34. NG on March 7th, 2008 4:00 am

    Oh wow. And here I thought my husband was the only 13 year old boy trapped in an adult man’s body.

  35. wilddreemer on March 7th, 2008 6:29 am

    My husband to me last week

    Husband: Hey babe,whats the difference between a gyno and a pizza delivery guy

    Me: ???????????????

    Husband: They can both smell it but not eat it

    Me: wow, ummm wow!

  36. Sarah on March 7th, 2008 7:09 am

    hahahaha. My husband does that to my shopping lists too! :) It’s the little things, right? (or maybe the big things when compared to little things)

  37. Niki P on March 7th, 2008 12:33 pm

    Thanks to you and JB I use the term “smoking pole” on a regular basis. Not that I actually smoke pole, oh my no,I just like to make reference to it.(am adjusting halo now)

    You guys need to find the humor with little ones in the house. Well done.

  38. Jaidnoire on March 7th, 2008 4:51 pm

    Another person who really, really needed a laugh today. Thank you….lol

  39. Danielle on March 8th, 2008 6:13 pm

    Wait, do you get humped/groped every time you pass him in the house/speak to him/look at him? Why is it just my husband? WTF?

    Oh, about the terrifying, huge penis; I just compare my husband’s with our male cat’s. Of course, this is only when he asks “Who rocks the biggest cock?” Well, he asked for it.

  40. Paige on March 8th, 2008 8:44 pm

    I love it when you make me laugh out loud.

  41. Teri M. on March 9th, 2008 2:28 pm

    Hm… what does it say about me that this made me laugh until I wept?

    Danielle – you aren’t alone! Maybe we should form a club.

  42. Stacy on March 10th, 2008 8:12 am

    I AM FREAKING CRYING LAUGHING. My husband and JB are most definitely twins separated at birth.

  43. liz on March 10th, 2008 4:27 pm

    I’m loving that kind of talk. So funny!

  44. Josh on March 10th, 2008 8:58 pm

    Well it makes me feel better to know that I have to grow older, but I never actually have to grow up. Ha! You’re gay now, that kills me. And the welcome home BJ, classic. I laughed my ass off. Now I just have to find an extremely patient woman with a good sense of humor and I’ll be ready to act like I’m ten for the rest of my life.

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