Completely infantile discussions I have had with JB lately:

JB: “Hey, I heard a joke today. There’s this husband and wife lying in bed and the husband turns to her and starts trying to get some action, and she tells him, ‘Not tonight, I have a gynecologist exam in the morning’. So the guy thinks for a minute and then asks, ‘You don’t have a dentist appointment, do you?”
Me: “Ha. Not bad.”
JB: “I think you could substitute the term proctologist, too.”
Me: “Right.”
JB: “Because—”
Me: “I GET IT.”

:::

Me (to JB who has just walked in the door from work): “Jesus, thank god. The baby just yakked on the sofa, Riley’s been acting like an asshole all afternoon, I didn’t get one spare minute to myself all damn day long and if I see one more dirty dish left on the table for the fucking cleaning fairy to take care of I will sink into madness and I will take you all with me.”
JB (thinking for a minute): “So . . . no ‘welcome home BJ’, then?”

:::

Me: “Let’s see, so we need eggs, cheese, frozen waffles for Riley . . . and what’s this item, a little something called Boner Rise?”

brise08.jpg

JB: “Heh.”
Me: “Dude, what are you—twelve?”
JB: “Made you say ‘boner rise’.”

:::

JB: “I’ve got another joke. How do you keep a gay guy in suspense?”
Me (thinking): “. . .”
Me (eventually): “How?”
JB (sniggering): “. . .”
Me: “Ohh. Ha.”
JB: “Har!”
Me: “Now I am gay.”

:::

Me (to JB, who has just stepped out of the shower): “You know, now that I spend so much of my day dealing with tiny penises, I have to tell you, you look enormous in comparison.”
JB: “Why thank you.”
Me: “I mean, like, elephantine almost. It’s sort of terrifying.”
JB: “You have my permission to share that on your blog. About my elephantine dong, I mean.”
Me: “You do know I mean elephantine as compared to an infant’s, right?”
JB (not listening): “Make sure you mention the part about it being terrifying.”

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Jamie
14 years ago

This makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER about the occasional conversation that Sean and I have that involve…ahem…less modest topics.

Sherri
Sherri
14 years ago

I think my husband and JB are twins separated at birth!

Jennifer
14 years ago

Haahahaha you crazy kids you! I hope you never grow out of stuff like this, it makes the tough days bearable!

Mary O
14 years ago

Oh my god. You two are too funny. Although I don’t really get the one about leaving the gay guy in suspense… I’ll just laugh along like I do! HA!

Amy
Amy
14 years ago

Oh my god the funny.

warcrygirl
14 years ago

Hubby told me that dentist appointment joke just the other day. I’ll have to mention the addition of the proctologist though. He’ll like that.

McWriter
14 years ago

What? Boner Rise isn’t a weekly grocery list item in you guys’ homes? Weirdos.

squandra
squandra
14 years ago

Ha! I am so glad my boyfriend and I aren’t the only ones.

You can’t help but feel like an impostor in the adult world sometimes, you know? We eat our vegetables but have been known flash each other while cooking them … We keep a monthly household budget but James always writes “Poop!” on mine … The list goes on and on.

Emily
14 years ago

Delurking to say that was f*cking hysterical! I’m sure I’m not supposed to be laughing this loud in the library!

jonniker
14 years ago

I’ve thought this for a long time, but I swear JB and my husband are the same person.

Beth
14 years ago

This morning:
Me: Did you make me a lunch today?
Hubs: There’s a protein shake right here for ya.
Me: (stupidly) Where?

Hubs: (taking offense) Just because I’m asian, doesn’t mean you can say that!

My how that went awry.

Cassie
14 years ago

HA HA! Holy crap, that’s hilarious!

Jennifer
14 years ago

BONER RISE!

Jesus God.

My husband exposing himself to the cat is about as funy as it gets as my place.

Amanda W
Amanda W
14 years ago

I am 21 and I hope that one day, and I hope that one day I find a man like J.B to marry. For his humor of course not the dong size.

Kay
Kay
14 years ago

I think I am in love with your husband..HEE!

Kay
Kay
14 years ago

Oh and I need to add that I was totally thinking that BEFORE the dong disclosure, but now? Now I know I am in love, I mean, who could love a man that is no larger than a toddler pee pee?
Oh, that’s right, 1990, I did.

Moving on…

biscuit
biscuit
14 years ago

JB has lovely handwriting. My husband has the handwriting of a serial killer.

I think JB was a soldier or sailor in his former life; he is such a PERV!

In other words, I think he is fucking HILARious!

Cass
14 years ago

So Hilarious. I’m quite relieved that it isn’t just my husband that is constantly talking, alluding, trying to get action for or joking about his, ummm, manhood!

Caroline Bingham
14 years ago

so now my kids had to come stare at me to see why I’m laughing.

K
K
14 years ago

Now all of the conversations I have with my husband seem incredibly boring!

misti
14 years ago

So funny… JB is awesome, in a totally pervy gross way! :)

Alyson
14 years ago

I’m glad to see that I am not the only woman who spends most of the time having off-color conversations with my husband. The REAL fun, however, is when your boys become teenagers and begin to understand the dirty jokes…….They turn this wonderful shade of red.

Victoria
14 years ago

Ahhhh hahah hah hah!

Lara
14 years ago

My boyfriend lost his father quite suddenly last fall. I hadn’t seen him through the long days leading up to his dad’s passing so when he finally came over – exhausted, wrung out, low, blue, etc – I was in Best Ever Girlfriend Mode…a nice dinner, beer, hugs, comforting words, etc. One of his first comments? “So…how about a sympathy blow job then?”

Oh our lovely men – they’ll take any opening eh? Wait! Let me re-phrase that…

Cara
Cara
14 years ago

Thanks there is diet coke on my brand new monitor but i SO needed a laugh. Ya’ll are truly awesome.

Naomi
14 years ago

you guys have really good sense of humor. :)

JenK
14 years ago

*snort*

Oh crap. Just did that again. You guys are hilarious!

rb
rb
14 years ago

You’re killin’ me. (as usual)

Clueless But Hopeful Mama

Love the last bit. Be sure to tell JB we’re all TERRIFIED.

Chris
14 years ago

so…no welcome home BJ

that made me snork my adult beverage through my nose

Lesley
Lesley
14 years ago

if it were me, I’d casually leave that grocery list in some random aisle at the store for someone to find.

Reese
Reese
14 years ago

Hahahahah!!! You guys crack me up!

thejunebug
14 years ago

Wait until Riley and Dylan are teenagers. :) You, my dear, are outnumbered.

NG
NG
14 years ago

Oh wow. And here I thought my husband was the only 13 year old boy trapped in an adult man’s body.

wilddreemer
14 years ago

My husband to me last week

Husband: Hey babe,whats the difference between a gyno and a pizza delivery guy

Me: ???????????????

Husband: They can both smell it but not eat it

Me: wow, ummm wow!

Sarah
Sarah
14 years ago

hahahaha. My husband does that to my shopping lists too! :) It’s the little things, right? (or maybe the big things when compared to little things)

Niki P
Niki P
14 years ago

Thanks to you and JB I use the term “smoking pole” on a regular basis. Not that I actually smoke pole, oh my no,I just like to make reference to it.(am adjusting halo now)

You guys need to find the humor with little ones in the house. Well done.

Jaidnoire
14 years ago

*dead*
Another person who really, really needed a laugh today. Thank you….lol

Danielle
Danielle
14 years ago

Wait, do you get humped/groped every time you pass him in the house/speak to him/look at him? Why is it just my husband? WTF?

Oh, about the terrifying, huge penis; I just compare my husband’s with our male cat’s. Of course, this is only when he asks “Who rocks the biggest cock?” Well, he asked for it.

Paige
14 years ago

I love it when you make me laugh out loud.

Teri M.
14 years ago

Hm… what does it say about me that this made me laugh until I wept?

Danielle – you aren’t alone! Maybe we should form a club.

Stacy
Stacy
14 years ago

I AM FREAKING CRYING LAUGHING. My husband and JB are most definitely twins separated at birth.

liz
liz
14 years ago

I’m loving that kind of talk. So funny!

Josh
14 years ago

Well it makes me feel better to know that I have to grow older, but I never actually have to grow up. Ha! You’re gay now, that kills me. And the welcome home BJ, classic. I laughed my ass off. Now I just have to find an extremely patient woman with a good sense of humor and I’ll be ready to act like I’m ten for the rest of my life.