Completely infantile discussions I have had with JB lately:

JB: “Hey, I heard a joke today. There’s this husband and wife lying in bed and the husband turns to her and starts trying to get some action, and she tells him, ‘Not tonight, I have a gynecologist exam in the morning’. So the guy thinks for a minute and then asks, ‘You don’t have a dentist appointment, do you?”
Me: “Ha. Not bad.”
JB: “I think you could substitute the term proctologist, too.”
Me: “Right.”
JB: “Because—”
Me: “I GET IT.”

:::

Me (to JB who has just walked in the door from work): “Jesus, thank god. The baby just yakked on the sofa, Riley’s been acting like an asshole all afternoon, I didn’t get one spare minute to myself all damn day long and if I see one more dirty dish left on the table for the fucking cleaning fairy to take care of I will sink into madness and I will take you all with me.”
JB (thinking for a minute): “So . . . no ‘welcome home BJ’, then?”

:::

Me: “Let’s see, so we need eggs, cheese, frozen waffles for Riley . . . and what’s this item, a little something called Boner Rise?”

brise08.jpg

JB: “Heh.”
Me: “Dude, what are you—twelve?”
JB: “Made you say ‘boner rise’.”

:::

JB: “I’ve got another joke. How do you keep a gay guy in suspense?”
Me (thinking): “. . .”
Me (eventually): “How?”
JB (sniggering): “. . .”
Me: “Ohh. Ha.”
JB: “Har!”
Me: “Now I am gay.”

:::

Me (to JB, who has just stepped out of the shower): “You know, now that I spend so much of my day dealing with tiny penises, I have to tell you, you look enormous in comparison.”
JB: “Why thank you.”
Me: “I mean, like, elephantine almost. It’s sort of terrifying.”
JB: “You have my permission to share that on your blog. About my elephantine dong, I mean.”
Me: “You do know I mean elephantine as compared to an infant’s, right?”
JB (not listening): “Make sure you mention the part about it being terrifying.”

Comments

Subscribe
Notify of
guest
94 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Colleen
Colleen
14 years ago

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Holy cow!

Sadie
Sadie
14 years ago

wow, I think *I* want to marry JB. for his sense of humor, not his terrifying, elephantine dong, of course.

Emily
14 years ago

Hahaha … dude, do you ever just want to, like, bathe your family in estrogen?

alli
14 years ago

Tears are streaming down my face.

honeybecke
honeybecke
14 years ago

i’m glad in all the crazy newborn/toddler mnadness y’all are still keeping up with the drrty humor.
cause sometimes it aint easy to joke/take a joke when all you want to do is be left the eff alone. so, yah for family humor!!!!

In the Trenches of Mommyhood

Oh, I’m sooo cracking up at this. My house is all potty talk, all the time with my Hubby and 3 boyz. So I appreciate your humor.

Yams
Yams
14 years ago

You & JB totally crack me up!

Ashley B
Ashley B
14 years ago

hahaha. He’s hilarious. I love the addition of the “Boner Rise” to the shopping list. Don’t you totally wish you could pick that one up at the store!?

Lisa B
Lisa B
14 years ago

I love goofy couples, and you and JB (and his elephantine dong, which must be a third in the partnership) definitely rate!

lindsayc
lindsayc
14 years ago

as a mother of a 9 month old and an almost 3 year old, you made me laugh, snort and cry with that last paragraph. terrifying indeed!

Marie
Marie
14 years ago

You guys are so awesome.

Teralyne
14 years ago

LOL he sounds like my husband who always goes to the penis. I guess it’s a guy thing.

WCD
WCD
14 years ago

OMG hahahahahaah so classic. Shortly after I’d given birth to my son my husband was feeling left out of it a bit — and wanted some action.

I tossed him some hand cream and a girly magazine and said simply — “proceed”

I am almost in tears with laughter:)

Sunny
Sunny
14 years ago

Love that grocery list stuff. My husband is always adding interesting items in hopes that someday I’ll return from shopping with “drum o’ lube”, “ass spray” or the good old “two lips on my organ”. I have yet to see any of the items in the aisles of Fred Meyer. After loading groceries into the car, I’ve left the list behind a few times and always wondered if some poor soul has ever found it in my cart. Love the elephantine dong…go JB!

Julie
14 years ago

That is too funny! My favorite is the no welcome home BJ? comment. Ha!

Kirsten
14 years ago

sometimes I think we’re married to the same man…hilarious!
Although, being hugely pregnant and uncomfortable – I think I’m losing my sense of humor about that stuff at this point. HA

Erica
14 years ago

Those all could have been conversations from my house, too. They really never grow up, do they?

Christine
Christine
14 years ago

That’s AWESOME!

I love it when in the middle of the kid maddness, E and I start with the dirty 5th grade humor.

Leah
14 years ago

I recently saw a punkrock father and his two punkrock kids in their “alternative” T-shirts. The toddler’s shirt said “Hung like a five-year-old.”

HA!

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
14 years ago

I needed that laugh!!!!!

I think JB and my husband were cut from the same mold. It’s good to see you guys have the same sense of humor we do, makes me feel more normal.

stephanie brown
stephanie brown
14 years ago

my God I hope I have that some day.

Matt
14 years ago

I hope one day that Riley and Dylan are reading through the archives of this site to learn about their early childhood and stumble upon this post. I can only imagine them both cringing as they read it while clicking away as fast as possible exclaiming, “Ewwww, mom, gross!!!”

Jenn Perryman
Jenn Perryman
14 years ago

Thank you, I so needed to LMAO.

Katie
Katie
14 years ago

OMG! Thanks for the laughs, so needed today!

Lauren
Lauren
14 years ago

HA! Thanks for the laugh.

FishyGirl
14 years ago

Wonderful. You are one lucky woman.

Trina
Trina
14 years ago

I am so glad that it isn’t just me and my husband who have this sense of humor.

That made me laugh. Thank you.

mandy
14 years ago

And that’s just what you TELL us! I can’t imagine being a fly on the wall over there, girl.
HAR

Ter
Ter
14 years ago

Thankfully the computer lab is pretty much empty, otherwise I’d be carted out by security at this point for laughing too loud :) Just curious: do you ever wonder sometimes if this is actually your life and not some weird alternate reality? B/t your grocery list and the man jelly… damn… :D

Aunt Linda
Aunt Linda
14 years ago

You know, there are times I have to look at the man without giggling and snoring. AL

Lawyerish
14 years ago

Y’all are quite the Martin and Lewis. Except with BJ jokes.

Also, is there any better description of motherhood than spending your days “dealing with tiny penises”? That kills me. And strangely, it applies to office/professional work as well. (rimshot!)

Swistle
14 years ago

Ha ha! He is so cute.

banana
14 years ago

Reason 45298583 why you are the favorite blog of many. HAHAHAHAAHHAAH!

Angie
14 years ago

and not even one baby girl to help out the testosterone in that house! Hilarious! You are going to need your sense of humor as those boys grow up. I can’t wait to read about it.

Jessica
14 years ago

Omg…I’m laughing so hard right now!

Christina
14 years ago

Awesome! Im gald Im not the only one married to a 14 year old.

Donna
Donna
14 years ago

Just for you and JB!
1. What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? Goes-in-tight.
2. What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like? Depends ..
3. What’s “68”?
You do me and I owe you one.
4. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged!
5. What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
6. Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
Because if you’ll eat that stuff, you’ll eat anything.
7. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
8. What’s the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.
9. What two words will clear out a men’s restroom? “Nice dick!”
10. What do you call a truckload of vibrators? Toys for twats.
11. Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?
12. What’s the definition of indefinitely?
When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you’re in .. definitely!
13. Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
14. What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as a meat substitute.
15. What do you call kids born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts.
16. What is every Amish woman’s private fantasy? Two Mennonite.
17. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught fire.
18. Why is sex like a game of bridge?
You don’t need a partner if you’ve got a good hand.
19. What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator.
20. Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.
21. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.
22. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a lubricant. (Man jelly!)

JennB
JennB
14 years ago

I would love to be a fly on the wall at your house… you guys are hilarious.

moo
moo
14 years ago

Were JB and my husband, PK, separated at birth or something? This is eerily reminiscent of several of our conversations ….

::insert twilight zone music::

Or maybe all men are 12 year old boys, just dying to get out.

Kim in MT
14 years ago

The grocery list thing reminds me of my dad. Instead of “Moosehead” (beer), he used to write “Moose Jism” on the grocery list. Well, in high school one day, one of my more innocent girl friends read the list and asked me “what’s jism?” So I made her go ask my Dad, who made her go ask my Mom. Poor girl probably went home and asked her parents.

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
14 years ago

Donna you are hilarious!!!!

Jo
Jo
14 years ago

Brilliant, just brilliant. The terrifying elephantine dong will keep me laughing all day :)

Coleen
14 years ago

Man. I needed that laugh today. I guess I really *am* 12.

karin
karin
14 years ago

dear sweet lord. that was amazing.

thanks for the mid-day laugh :)

Christina
14 years ago

Oh my goodness, thanks for the afternoon laughter!

kalisah
14 years ago

let me assure you – you’re two little ones will completely stop maturing at the age of 12 as well.

It’s funny when YOUR husband does it though.

Christian ODell
14 years ago

Hehehe … you said “terrifying…” hehehe

Cornholio!

Carolyn
14 years ago

The internet is a very, very funny place to be today. The endorphins. They are flowing.

Your husband and mine would get along splendidly.

the goddess anna
the goddess anna
14 years ago

To echo others, glad I’m not the only one married the a guy that never grew out of penis jokes.

I sooo look forward to each new post, your writing brings a smile to my face. : )

punchlinewalking
14 years ago

If I hadn’t seen pictures of JB, I would swear were married to the same man.