Okay! Let’s move on from that foamy-mouthed business I posted yesterday, clearly I had a giant organic-tofu-stick crammed up my ass. If you’re still kind of pissed at me, please enjoy this proof that I have basically always been a total fucking goober. I was looking through some old photo albums today, and decided to capture a few of the more memorable images:

Here I am as a wee kidlet, and while I don’t think I was quite as consistently suspicious as Riley was/is, apparently I had my moments.

Not a bad looking kid overall, though, if I do say so myself. Look at that precocious 3-year-old, lording over her . . . uh, cake. Her cake festooned with — are those cat turds? Is that a cat turd cake? Or . . Vienna sausages? Okay, I’m pretty sure my mom wouldn’t have . . . MOM WHAT ARE THOSE BROWN THINGS OH MY GOD.

A little bit older here, and still fairly cute, if you forgive the insipid head tilt and . . . wow, rainbow heart necklace. Groovy.

Aw, look at the little ballerina! It’s adorable and nauseating, all at the same time.

HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA. Oh god. Sorry, Cat of My Youth. Sorry. Jesus.

And — oh. Oh dear. Well, we’ve really started to slide off the rails here, haven’t we? The glasses, the hair, the blouse, the . . . the TEETH.

Yes. Yes indeedy. Socks, shoes, shorts, shirt, visor. VISOR. SOCKS. VISOR. Yes. Ahem.

Say, why don’t we really take a GOOD look at those glasses. What are they, five, six inches thick?

Well thank god, we’ve moved on to the Era of Contacts, but sadly this is still preceding the In-Depth Headgear/Braces/Palatal Spreading Device/Tooth Extraction/Retainer Years. What a grill. Also, Eugene Levy called, he wants his eyebrows back.

Ah, the dorkily earnest gymnastics-themed photo. Xaaaaanaaduuuuuuuu…

Big hair, big earrings, denim jacket . . . ladies and gentlemen, the 80’s! I’m sure my ESPRIT bag was nearby.

Fast-forward a few years to my freshman year in high school, where apparently I strived for sort of a . . what, Flock of Seagulls vibe? I bet that hairdo took about a can of Aqua Net every day.

Please also enjoy the yearbook message written by the boy I had the WORST crush on. I remember I about peed my acid-wash pants when I saw the “hint, hint” part of his note. He was totally into the Punisher, CAN YOU TELL.

More years down the road, I think I was maybe 20 here. I was coming out of my goth phase in bits and pieces: still surly, still addicted to unflattering red lipstick, still dyeing my (ohmygodLONG) hair, but obviously was willing to forgo the standard black uniform for a frumpy flowered dress. I’m vaguely thrilled to see that I looked far more matronly 15 years ago than I do now.

Check it out: lame trying-too-hard Flickr self-portrait, before Flickr! Or digital cameras!

And then . . . hmm, not much documentation of my early 20s. I had, like, a LOT of hangovers.

Last one, I promise. This was taken eight years ago or so: JB and I before the children stole our youth were even a remotely serious consideration. I feel like I look pretty much the same as I do now, but what was JB, TWELVE? (SO CUTE OMG.)

All RIGHTY then, I think that’s more than enough. Thanks for coming with me on this humiliating stroll down memory lane! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to start an orthodontia fund for the kids — I have a bad feeling they’ll need it.


119 Responses to “Awkard phase still going strong”

  1. Meg on August 21st, 2008 7:46 pm

    That was awesome! Those are great posts. I love people’s old pictures, because we all have ones we are so embarassed about. Thanks for posting these; enjoyed the funny commentary too!

  2. Mary on August 21st, 2008 10:44 pm

    Ah yes, the “upside-down” glasses (the glasses that have the arm(?) attached at the bottom of the frame instead of the middle)… I know them well… And I knew them by the name of, uh… Battlestar Galatica branded upside-down glasses. Talk about awesome and self-confidence building for a 4th grader… ugh! When you come from a family of 7 kids I guess you have to make sacrifices, apparently I was it that year :)

  3. Sonia on August 21st, 2008 11:42 pm

    LOVE. This was so frigging funny!!! You have great big brass balls, clearly. I’m not far enough away from my juvenile angst to poke fun of it yet. Despite that I’m turning 35 on Saturday, lol!

  4. Dana on August 22nd, 2008 7:23 am

    Please help me out. What arm is your tatoo on? Because in the Magic Garden self-portrait up there it looks like it’s on your right…and then in the hangover pic it appears to be creeping out from under your left sleeve. Is this right? Do you have two? Am I retarded?

  5. Amy W. on August 22nd, 2008 8:47 am

    I had those exact same glasses and that exact same hair in the 80s …as did my grandmother. Seriously, there’s a photo of me in the 5th grade where I look like one of the secretaries in a Kid in the Hall sketch.

  6. juliloquy on August 22nd, 2008 10:38 am

    Awesome! I did the same sort of post, mostly about my hair, in two parts.

  7. Julie on August 22nd, 2008 11:57 am

    You’re one brave woman to stroll down memory lane via pictures! Somewhere, buried deep in a box I’m hoping, is a picture of me sitting atop the pink paper mache’ pig I made in 7th grade art class. I’m also hoping the picture of me in the blue sequined suit holding a baton is buried as well.

  8. Jennifer on August 22nd, 2008 12:10 pm

    Oh.My.God. I had the same 80s jean jacket-and boy, was I cool! (I eventually upgraded to a GUESS? one later…much, much better. HA!)

  9. Amanda on August 22nd, 2008 1:12 pm

    Thank god that awful parentdish link is gone. HATE.

  10. lumpyheadsmom on August 23rd, 2008 1:22 am

    Holy shitballs, it’s a grown-up Riley (last photo). That’s fucking FREAKY.

  11. Kim on August 23rd, 2008 5:46 am

    I had to come back and look again.
    The Eugene Levy comment made me spit coffee all over my keyboard.

  12. Alyson on August 23rd, 2008 10:12 am

    “Alternating between a happy muffin-baking morning with Riley, and sending him howling to his room. Mercurial, thy name is toddler.”

    Save this quote, you’ll need it frequently over the next few years. Yesterday I could have used it, substituting “pre-teen” for “toddler.” Apparently, I was responsible for the death of my son’s Beta Fish.

  13. April on August 24th, 2008 1:50 am

    I had the EXACT same dress (pink and white, with the cake pic)… and holy cow Riley looks like you!! I thought he did before, but after those pics, sooooooooo ALL YOU! and so cute!

  14. T on August 24th, 2008 7:25 am

    apparently we both took the road from grunge/goth/punk to hippie-ville.

  15. Joel on August 24th, 2008 11:17 am

    Dana, the self-portrait picture is the reflection from a mirror. So it just looks like her right arm in the picture.

  16. dvlshkitten on August 25th, 2008 12:40 pm

    I’m trying to hold in my laughter at work while not busting a blood vessel, but it doesn’t seem to be working. Instead, I’m shaking in my chair and not breathing because, yeah, those pigs do look like turds. On a cake. With a fence around them.

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