When JB is gone, I pretty much give myself a pass on the diet and exercise front. It’s the only luxury I can enjoy during these times, really, and so I take full advantage — although I did find myself performing an endless series of Entertain the Baby squats tonight while half-watching the debate with Dylan fussing angrily from the baby carrier. OW MCCAIN HURT MY ASS.

Yesterday Riley and I made what I’m calling Cow Pat Cookies (perhaps you can imagine their general appearance post-baking?) and holy jesus they are good. If you’d like to indulge in what’s basically a brownie in cookie form, here are your instructions. You’ll need:

2 cups sugar
1 cup vegetable oil
4 eggs
4 squares unsweetened baking chocolate, melted and slightly cooled
2 teaspoons vanilla
4 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup chopped walnuts

(I substituted those ridiculously healthy omega-rich walnuts for some Reese’s peanut butter chips.)

Heat oven to 350. Mix up your sugar, oil, eggs, chocolate, and vanilla. Offer toddler a lick of the spoon. Beat at medium speed with electric whatsit while your kid whines about how it’s too fucking loud OMG. Add flour, baking soda, and salt. Mix it all up until this crazy stiff dough forms, glomming up your beaters all to hell. Lick beaters clean. Stir in walnuts/peanut butter chips/M&Ms/Xanax/etc.

Plop globs of dough on greased baking sheets, bake for 10-12 minutes if you want to follow the recipe, 8-9 minutes if you like a slightly uncooked brownie center. Become disgusted with child when he proclaims cookies “too weird looking”, eat six or seven while browsing TMZ.

In other news, JB’s brother is getting married in January, and I need a dress. Specifically, I need an amazing dress, because people I have worked SO GODDAMNED HARD on my body this year (Cow Pat cookies aside), and I never get the chance to truly dress up. My fashion constraints have to do with the fact that I’ll be corralling two small children on my own since JB is best man, so I suppose it needs to be flexible, and possibly stain resistant. HELP.

Also, I have been encouraging my children to embrace violence and weapons:

Also also, I have a new post up at Lemondrop, which has to do with Clive Owen’s dong. Well, not really, but sort of.


41 Responses to “Cookies, formal wear, dong”

  1. Naomi on October 15th, 2008 9:25 pm

    ohhh I love pretty dresses! I hope you find one that is flattering to your hot MILF figure, and also flexible for you to chase the kids around during the wedding! :) Good luck, can’t wait to see photos of it!

  2. mixette on October 15th, 2008 10:30 pm

    Just watched the Project Runway finale, so am feeling fashiony:

    This would look fantastic on you. Have it hemmed to just at or above the knee and the waist altered if needed so it fits just perfectly. It’ll show off your fab arms. Not cheap but you could wear it forever.


  3. Nicole on October 16th, 2008 2:18 am

    I would definitely recommend watching the sale section at net-a-porter. They are great about taking returns so you can order everything that catches your eye and just ship it back if it isn’t what you wanted. I have to say that since my daughter was born, despite the fact that I live in central Paris within walking distance of some the best shopping in the world, I cannot justify all the time that it takes to wander through stores trying stuff on and dealing with annoying salespeople, all the while paying 15 dollars an hour for a babysitter to watch cartoons with my kid. I do 90% of my shopping on the internet. If you happen to see a designer dress that you love but can’t afford, I also recommend searching constantly on Ebay. I cannot believe some of the amazing designer clothes that I have picked up that way, including an evening gown for a black-tie wedding that was originally priced at 1200 dollars at net-a-porter and I found for 175.

  4. Eric's Mommy on October 16th, 2008 4:05 am

    Oh my god, that video just about killed me!

  5. justmouse on October 16th, 2008 4:51 am

    haha, i love recipes written out like that. i got some weird looks when i wrote out a recipe for someone at work that included the instructions “puree the shit out of it”.

    geez…i have NO suggestions whatsoever about the dress, but damn, PLEASE put up pictures cuz i know you’re gonna be so totally HOT!

    also, you + your kids (on video) = awesome.

  6. Shannon on October 16th, 2008 4:54 am

    I just love White House Black Market. http://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com its my ‘go to’ store if I know I need to find something for an event. Reasonably priced, and awesome clothes….


  7. Claire on October 16th, 2008 6:24 am

    We went to the toy store last night and almost bought my 13.5 month old son this gigantic sword that makes clashing noises when it his another object. I really wanted it but then I worried we were introducing violence too early. Maybe, after reading this post, I’ll go back and buy it. ;)

  8. bessie.viola on October 16th, 2008 6:54 am

    Wow, thank you for giving me something ridiculous to bake this weekend. Shred be damned, those sound too good to pass up!

    I don’t have a specific dress suggestion, as my only occasion to dress up in the past post-baby months has been as a bridesmaid (HOO BOY) but may I suggest a really rich chocolate-y brown? I think it would look amazing on you.

  9. Meagan on October 16th, 2008 7:44 am

    Future Olympic fencers for America. :)

  10. KB on October 16th, 2008 8:10 am

    I know this is probably frightfully preppy of me, but I love J. Crew, and I especially love their fancy-dress options. So many pretty colors! and they have expanded their style options.

    I *think* their extra-20 % off sale items sale is still going on (check the website), and I *think* today is the last day, but you might want to take a look. In *my* opinion, you would love gorgeous in that rich plum-type color they offer in several different dresses.

  11. Anngela on October 16th, 2008 8:12 am



  12. Jamie on October 16th, 2008 8:15 am
  13. victoria on October 16th, 2008 9:43 am

    (1) I love your blog. It means a lot to me. It inspires me to live a healthier and more self-respecting life.

    (2) DO NOT get the beaded BR dress. The “What Not To Wear” ladies tell us that chestally-well-endowed ladies need to run like hell away from anything with a high neckline. A high neckline makes a large bosom look larger. It also makes the bosom look lower than it really is, and shapeless. Finally, large-breasted ladies need to stay away from blouson tops for all same reasons: they make the bosom look large, shapeless, and low.

    The “What Not To Wear” ladies would tell you to wear a low V-neck wrap dress that fits well and drapes nicely over your breasts. It’s like the old ads for Playtex “cross your heart” bras: the cross-over action does separate and define the breasts. Also, wrap dresses are usually made of strecthable fabrics that fit and flatter without adding bulk. Tghe low V neck will show off a little cleavage and elongate the neck at the same time.

    Do not wear a choker-style necklace. You’re better off with something longer, again to elongate the neck. But stay away from anything that’s going to hang OVER the bosom — this looks wrong. You want a necklace that’s not too dainty and that lies just above the V neckline.

    You should get a sleeveless dress, of course, to show off the guns.

    I think I just ran out of unsolicited assvice.

  14. Holly on October 16th, 2008 9:54 am

    I LOVE the party dresses at Zara lately http://www.zara.com/. I bought a gorgeous grey silk crepe one for my engagement party in London. On sale too!

  15. Val on October 16th, 2008 10:42 am

    Well – I think you need to 1) get a babysitter for the church and a really hot dress. (2) Pick up the boys and change into a great pantsuit with comfy shoes and take the boys to the reception. Hee – excuse to buy two outfits.

  16. sundry on October 16th, 2008 11:01 am

    WORD on the babysitter, Val. JB keeps saying that he thinks the boys should be at the wedding and I’m all WHY? They will hate having to sit still and I will hate the anxiety of worrying that someone will burst out crying/screaming/pooping during the vows. Children + weddings = bah.

  17. Kristen on October 16th, 2008 11:25 am

    Maggy London has a ton of beautiful dresses. Nordstrom.com is great for Maggy London, huge selection and easy to return in store if it doesn’t fit right.

  18. Sarah on October 16th, 2008 11:46 am

    Those cookies sound delicious! As for the dress, I’m not sure I have a lot of ideas other than to start looking now! Ann Taylor, maybe? They tend to be very classy.

  19. Keaton on October 16th, 2008 11:53 am

    While I may know the reasons behind why wearing socks with sandals (it makes baby Jesus cry), I know little about dress fashion, so there’s not much to be said.

    However! On the topic of teaching people how to use their violence on stuff is something I whole-heartedly endorse! Of course, Karate, Aikido and Bojutsu (staff fighting!) are my preferred styles, but starting kids out on the path to learning the manly art of wielding pointy phallic-symbols to stab monsters is a good place to start. (Side note: A good number of friends and I took martial arts as kids and really loved it [and are super grateful that we stuck with it now]- though that may be a few years away!)

  20. Tonya on October 16th, 2008 1:01 pm

    Those cookies sound ridiculous and very very good.
    As for the dress, can’t help you there. I’m super pregnant and therefore don’t have my finger on the pulse of good fashion (for the non-pregnant). Can’t wait to see what you find!

  21. eve on October 16th, 2008 1:06 pm

    Oh, Linda, you had me at “dong”. Tell us more about the wedding! How formal, what time of day, etc. I second the suggestion to check out the dresses at J. Crew. Also, Bluefly.com has lots of lovely dresses. You should definitely wear something that shows off your legs, with a neckline that allows you to wear a normal bra, since strapless bras are the devil. Just my 2 cents.

  22. sara on October 16th, 2008 4:21 pm

    I just flew across the country with my new baby to go to a family wedding and I bought this dress from Anthropologie for the occasion: http://tinyurl.com/4n7abu
    I *love* it, and also somehow managed not to leak or get spitup all over it – whoo!

  23. Emily on October 16th, 2008 5:59 pm

    My only vote is to go all out on that dress. Forget sales and coupons and deals and discount sites and buy something FABULOUS AND FULLY PRICED because DAMMIT, you have worked HARD for that body. (And go for new shoes and jewelry and a clutch while you’re at it.)

  24. Brenna on October 16th, 2008 8:21 pm

    My comment has nothing to do with the cookies, dress or dong, but rather with the OMG please pull that child’s right pant-leg down in the bumper jumper! After I check that both of her feet are actually through the holes, I tug my baby’s Carter’s Casuals back down to her ankles. Otherwise it’s all “shoving a long-sleeved sweater into a winter coat without holding the cuff” up in there.

  25. Mama Ritchie on October 16th, 2008 11:43 pm

    bluefly.com has a Wedding Shop: http://www.bluefly.com/custom/custom.jsp?promoId=m920100 – but you could wear a Hefty bag and look awesome, you’re so ripped and attractive, dammit.
    :) Show us what you get!

  26. Josh on October 19th, 2008 3:04 pm

    Dude, you should totally get one of those dresses from the eighties, made of spandex or whatever it was. They were skintight, and came up to your ass, and you pretty much need big hair to pull it off, and too much lipstick, and stripper pumps. And those hose with the line in the back! Aw hell yeah. And you show half your bra cause the dress was so slutty. And then you pretty much prance around the wedding like a hoochie and piss off the bride, and then go dance on somebodies car hood for a while and smoke a cigarette, and then do some blow and go to the bar with JB. It would be awesome.

  27. Lori on October 20th, 2008 3:48 pm

    I wore this dress to a Gala last weekend and got rave reviews. Classic yet modern. Just enough cleveage without being slutty. The pic doesn’t do it justice so just head to Nordies and try it on…


    Oh, I tried this one on too and loved it (again, bad pic) but it had a snag. Sigh.


  28. amanda on April 27th, 2011 1:58 pm

    You could try visiting a few stores on http://www.gatheringguide.com , depending on where you live there might be a good dress for you waiting there.

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