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Apr
2
I forgot to mention one of the nicest things about Riley’s age right now: he can be threatened. Perhaps you’re not into threatening small children, and to that I say, HAVE YOU TRIED IT? Because it is surprisingly satisfying! Go ahead, indulge your inner bully and take advantage of one of the few times in life you can completely control another human being’s happiness. DANCE FOR ME MONKEY-CHILD MOO HOO HA HA HAAAA.
In all seriousness I have no qualms resorting to the Dire Threat when necessary because the boy does not LISTEN. I can say “I need you to pick up your toys” six hundred and fifty times in a row and it’s like my voice has morphed into the Peanuts trumpet—mwaa waaa mwa wa wa mwaaaaaa—but tack on a “. . . or you don’t get to watch Curious George tonight” and hot damn, suddenly we’ve got some forward momentum.
Once we were at a playdate and Riley had been behaving like a particularly sub-standard citizen for nearly an hour straight, one meltdown after another, and I had run through my entire bag of parenting-book-advice tricks and was at a loss for what to do other than start combing his hair looking for the 666 tattooed on his scalp. Finally I hunkered down, grasped his shoulders, pulled him close, and hissed in his ear that if he didn’t start acting better I was going to take his beloved blankie and throw it out the window of the car on our way home. Call it cruel, but he shaped right up after that.
The 1-2-3 method is surprisingly useful, too, when he’s doing something obnoxious like grabbing for a pen I’ve just told him he cannot have. Sometimes just a glare combined with an ominous “ONE . . .” does the trick, but Riley often likes to live dangerously and wait until the death-pause that comes after “TWO—” before springing into action.
I don’t really know what happens after “THREE”. It’s like Room 101 in 1984.
Oh, and you know what else is awesome about a preschool-aged kid as opposed to, say, a 14-month-old? When they ignore your repeated warnings about whining or taking their brother’s toys or jumping on the couch or whatever it is, you can send them to their bedroom. I like to bust about the full name for that one: “Riley William S.! To your room this instant!” and off he goes at top speed, wahmbulancing his way down the hall and slamming his door before throwing himself on his bed to sulk. After a few minutes, he’s usually ready to come back out and join society; it’s like a system restart on whatever fucked-up kernel panic we’ve gotten ourselves into.
(Sadly, none of these methods are useful for babies, and it’s really too bad because there are at least twenty times per day when I would dearly love to send Dylan to his room. Or hover over his furious fishflopping body and say, “ONE . . .” and have something happen other than a mule-kick to the gut. Instead, it’s all about distraction and redirection, and while that’s often effective it’s slightly less satisfying to deal with a screaming devilspawn child by chirping, “Oh LOOK! A spatula! Do you want to play with a spatula?”)
Riley’s favorite question lately is “But why?” and I often find myself saying, “Because I say so.” I don’t really care if this is an unadvised course of action or not, sometimes that is the fucking sum and substance of the answer, as Al Swearengen might say. Someone recently told me how their friend’s kid—a kindergardener, I think—requires a reasonable explanation before she will do something she’s asked to do, and I was thinking, SERIOUSLY? THEIR PARENTS PLAY ALONG WITH THAT? Because I can only imagine what sort of rabbit hole you would get yourself into after a while. It would be like that Louis CK routine: “Well because some things ARE, and some things are NOT! Things that are NOT can’t BE, and—” Sure, I might explain to Riley that he needs to wear a coat because it’s cold, but if he continues to protest, well by god MY VOICE IS THE LAW.
I’m sure this is one of the brief stages in parenthood where I can actually get all Samuel Jackson on my kid’s ass if need be, because soon enough he’ll be all, “Uccccch. WHATEVER, Mom.” And I’ll be like, “one . . . ?”
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I always answer “why” or “what’s this” questions with inane answers because I know my kid isn’t interested in what I have to say, he just loves the call and response. So I mostly just say, “Semper Fi,” or “Robots!” and he nods like he totally gets what I’m saying.
stop what you’re doing, go to YouTube, and look up Louis C.K. Watch his bit called “Why”. It’s pertinent to all people with children, especially 4-year-olds. It’s given my husband and I something to live for.
Bottom line? All 4yo’s are a**holes. I love my daughter, but she is!!!!
Enjoy the threats while you can, they stop working when they hit age 6 or so. My 7 year old likes to say “but why????” until it drives me nuts only he does it BECAUSE it drives me nuts. Kids are evil like that.
JennB: girrrrrrl, you don’t really read the crap I write, do you? I am totally the blog Peanuts-trumpet.
wait until he is a few years old and does need a why, or always asks for one. it’s incredibly annoying and obnoxious! you need to make there are enough things to take away. ;p
We’ve made it a rule in our house that our son cannot ask “Why?” He has to ask a more specific question. I don’t know if he knows what that means but it throws him for a loop. When he asks “But why?” I respond with “You’re not allowed to ask questions that way. Think about what you want to ask and try again.” It distracts him enough that we don’t get caught up in the Dance of the Questions.
Something that also works well in our house is the “No Crying” rule. Basically, if you’re crying because you’re upset (vs. being hurt) then you have to go cry in your room. We always tell him it’s ok to be mad/angry/upset but he has to go into his room until he feels better. It’s led to a lot of running into the room while screaming loudly but 15 seconds of screaming is worth avoiding the never-ending cry.
Ah, thank you for this. I am totally into the threatening. I have been going nuts with my 3.5 year old and his (not) listening. I’m impressed Riley springs into action at 1….2…my son stands there waiting until I get to 4 before he’ll oblige my request. DRIVES ME INSANE. Sometimes he smiles. I think we’re going to just get rid of the 1..2..3.. route and go straight to time outs cause that shit just isn’t happening! Time outs are the only thing that works for us, too. He does not like his time outs.
My son definitely waits for the moment after TWO before getting hit butt in gear, but get it in gear he does. And every time I am shocked that he didn’t call my bluff! What really is driving me crazy, though, is that he’s started asking the other parent when the first parent says no. They’re smart, those little dudes.
Am forwarding this to my husband now…so I can be all “See? We’re totally normal!”
I fucking love Al Swearengen. He’s got his thumb right on those hoopleheads! And just because you brought up Deadwood, I have to shout COCKSUCKERS!!
When my 14 month is a douche + won’t stop trying to kill herself, I grab a big blanket + put her into the world’s biggest burrito.
She can’t move + usually doesn’t whine because she’s concentrating so hard on how to escape (which she can never do because I’m a pimp swaddler).
;) feel free to borrow my rearing technique.
Favorite parts:
1. HAVE YOU TRIED IT?
2. suddenly we’ve got some forward momentum.
3. particularly sub-standard citizen
4. live dangerously and wait until the death-pause
5. wahmbulancing his way down the hall
6. mule-kick to the gut
7. SERIOUSLY?
We reach THREE with depressing frequency. And that’s when we either pack it in and go home or haul her up to her room. (”Go to your room” does not work ’round these parts.)
I’m all about the threatening. I found out fairly quickly that there’s no other course of action for my 3 year old. Instead of a count to 3, I count down from 5. Sure enough, she waits until I get down to 2 before she complies with my request. I started out trying to count down from 3, but found that she doesn’t have enough time to register her decision to give in, and time-outs would be the eventual result.
I think it’s interesting that Riley just goes to his room when you tell him to. My daughter would laugh in my face in response to that order. I literally have to hold her in a vice grip when conducting a time out. She kicks and flails and screams, and I just sit there seeking my happy place, trying not to get hit and asking her in that two minute (feels like 5 hours) segment to calm down and have some quiet time.
My sister-in-law’s kids go into a time out on their own as well. She sends them to “the chair” and to the chair they go. I’m not sure what it is about my child that she flat out refuses to comply with the time out process, but she does eventually calm down.
We only allow 2 “why” per thing. When the third one comes out of her mouth we say “Nope”. She starts laughing and moves on usually. If she doesn’t feel like we have answered the why (you know the whining and freaking out) we make her rethink what it is she wants to know and ask the question again. As for the threats, we totally do that too. If I say “Ooooooonnnnnnnneeeeeee!” she will lose her shit. She HATES going to her room and when we get to 3 she knows that is where she will be. The thing with threats is, you totally need to follow through otherwise they wise up and know you really aren’t going to do anything about it.
Ahhh,love Deadwood!
You can always use another Swearengen quote and threaten to call in the “cat-piss smelling f*ckhead and his holiness, the sheriff” if Riley gets too out of hand.
Because I said so”
Isn’t this all parents fall back when the going gets tough or to get the tough going?
I remember my sister sniping back at my mom saying “I will NEVER say ‘because I said so’, I will give my kids more respect then that”. The first time I heard my sister utter those words to her daughters I about fell onto the floor with laughter!
We were threatened children and turned out just fine!
I am totally making myself a wardrobe of t-shirts that say only “MY VOICE IS THE LAW”.
My mother (Dad was the lenient one) would always threaten us with (for instance, while shopping), “If you don’t stop (reprehensible action) right now, we will go home without getting anything.” She said the first time she tried that, I kept on misbehaving until she pulled me out of the shopping card, carried me through Target, out to the car, put me in the seat and drove home, where I was sent to my room. Apparently, I never acted up again. She said it took two or three of these with my little brother, but after hauling his screaming butt out of a restaurant (why they were there even they don’t understand) in the same manner (robbing of his French toast in the process), he stopped freaking out. …Mostly. =P
You are the best blogger out here, no contest.
Trina is right – DON’T EVER BLUFF. Make the consequence suck for them, but it can’t be something you’re not 100% willing to follow through on. If they call your bluff just one time and you wuss out on the punishment, you’re fucked forever.
I feel your pain. This is the life I’m living right now, too.
Throwing the blankie out the window…good one! I still use “I will take your out to the driveway, back over it with the car, and then go forward over it again…” Works even on the big ‘uns.
We are totally on the same page!
We must have missed this stage with our son because he will be four shortly and he has NEVER ever listened to my/our threats. He actually has the audacity to giggle or laugh at me when I threatening him which of course makes me have to take action.
It goes like this – “One… two… (in my head: F*** he is going to make me get to three and then I have to drag 43 lbs of hitting scratching boy to his f-ing room…) THREE (said omniously by me).
Giggle giggle laughter.
Me hauling said child to room for the time out to him screaming, kicking and scratching me. The boy, he has NO fear.
Maybe we will hit this stage during his fourth year ??? (she says weakly, lamely, hopefully, sadly… hanging her head she goes away!)
I’m still laughing at biscuit who 1) swaddles her daughter to keep her from being a douche and 2) called herself a “pimp swaddler.”
Heh.
My mother, one of the nicest women you’ll ever meet, was always serious about delivering on her threats. As a teenager, I slammed one too many doors on her face and she said, “if that happens again, there will be serious consequences.” Of course I was thinking: “yeah, right.” So I slammed it again.
Next thing I know, she had taken my bedroom door off the hinges and told me I could hang a sheet there if I wanted to, and see how well that slammed.
I looked over the WHOLE EFFING HOUSE for that door (I was going to put it back on again). Never found it. They put the door back on when I went to college.
My mother the disciplinary mastermind…we still talk about it today and she’ll giggle and say, “Well, you shouldn’t have slammed doors!”
Touche.
Heh, nice 1984 reference :)
Oh, but see, these lessons are going to work for you again! With Teenagers! Just like Journey, hold on to the feeeeel-iiiing -iiing!
Because instead of threatening no ‘Curious George’ or ‘timeout to the room,’ it becomes ‘no xBox’ or ‘cellphone’ or ‘car,’ because, what, do YOU pay for that shit? Should I drop you off at school like you were a FRESHMAN? That car is a privilege, not a right!!
Yes, we do all, eventually become our parents. I am there! But you know what? It sometimes feels awfully good to say that shit.
“I don’t really know what happens after “THREE”. It’s like Room 101 in 1984.”
At “THREE” you just give them over to the Count. In my house the Count of Three is a real person and he lives in the land of green peas and doctor visits. That’s why threatening to give my son to the Count of Three is so effective.
Al Swearengen, I love it!
Oh man – my parents were the “one warning, including a description of punishment, if you don’t knock that shit off” kind of parents.
The punishment was usually a spanking, but first we had to sit in our room until they weren’t mad (well, I learned the reason when I was older). Then they would come get us, make us tell them what we did, and what the punishment was for that action, and then they would deliver the punishment.
My mom did say, though, that the very first time she deployed the “count to three” thing with her very first child, it happened to be inside a mall. She got through “One…TWO…” and my brother threw himself on the ground and started SCREAMING, “don’t say THREE, mommy! Don’t say THREE!”
They left immediately. She never did figure out exactly what fresh hell he was imagining. :)
I don’t know what happens after “three” either. Never had to do it. Still works on my almost-seven-year-old, by the way. Of course, maybe I should stop while I’m ahead, so that I don’t have to find out what comes after three.
I have a feeling that isn’t going to work as well on my youngest. She’s pretty bullheaded already, at 15 months.
FYI – if the 14 month old is being a total turd, yes there is timeout – “you must be tired because you’re acting so badly” – and into the crib! Worked for me :)
My fiance’s mom did thw whole explain it out thing, and now every time I’m looking for a “just because” answer or give a “just because” answer, I either get a 500-page verbal novel or have to give one myself.
We use the One, Two… Three method and I find myself getting to three a lot more quick these days with my 3 year old son… I don’t know what happens after 3 either… I am figuring a time out? I don’t know… I try to count slow!
God I F’ing LOVE Louis CK! As I was reading your post I was preparing to send you a link to that routine but you beat me to it… Nicely done! “Now shut-up and eat your french fries!”
Do you have something planned for after that “3″? Because I know “2″ used to work with my daughter. But then one day I hit “3″ and she said, “Now what?” And I’m all, “FUCK! I don’t know! Go shine my shoes!” And when she ran away, I called my mom and said “What comes after 3?!?!!”
I’m just going to add a “Ditto” to what both Swistle and Leah said.
Because, well, yeah.
My son is only 20 months, and he responds VERY well to the threats. We began the threats around christmastime with SANTA. (Oh…such bad parents.) We had this Santa doll that sang and did a little dance, and he was deathly afraid of it. So when he would start acting up, I could just ask if he wanted me to turn Santa on, and I would get a tiny little quiet Nooooo. And distraction + fear = better behavior.
Note that we use the same tactic with Tickle Me Elmo.
Bad Mom :)
You play your cards right, that 1-2-3 shit will continue working for a loooong while. My older kids are 7 and almost 10, and they still move like Flo Jo when they hear that “ONE.”
Oh, and my piece of assvice for the day (but it won’t really work until they get old enough to embarrass): If my kids are ever being complete douchebags in public, where I don’t feel like yelling or threatening, I bend down and, very close to their ears, I whisper:
“If your behavior does not improve this very moment, I will do something so embarrassing that you will instantly melt into a puddle of shame right here on this spot.”
I’ve never had to do anything, and honestly, I’m not sure what I would do if it was needed. This method gets more and more effective the older they get, because we just get more and more embarrassing to be around!
Nothing to add – our little one is too young for threats (though I see the day is looming). But I just want to shout out my LOVE for Al Swearengen, and to say that I plan on getting my son to refer to me as “his holiness the sheriff” instead of mommy.
My favorite part is the wahmbulancing down the hall, and I will say that one of the funniest (unintentionally so) things that Katie does lately is to wahmbulance herself to her room to punish HERSELF. “You made me feel so bad that now I am going to my room for punishment!” She lays there awhile, kvetching about how she’s being PUNISHED!, and then she quiets down, and then she comes back out. We complain politely, of course, in the hopes that she’ll keep this kind of behavior up!
I miss Deadwood so very much.
Hey, you are teaching your kids that there are consequences for their actions. I know a few adults who could benefit from that lesson.
If all four-year-olds are assholes then so are all three-year-olds. Seriously, my son is wonderful and beautiful and the light of my life, but sometimes he really is a goddamned asshole. God that felt good. Writing ‘asshole’ still feels weird though, we write it ‘arse’ here in the UK because that’s how we say it. I’m so glad you can’t hear my accent over the interwebs.
Oh man, the threats. Could never send them to their room, thats where all the toys are. So instead, they have to sit at the back door. Next to all the stinky shoes.
A good holler of “STINKY SHOES” changes behaviour immediatly.
Danielle, if you write a book I will buy it. Both of your suggestions are brilliant. Or maybe they’re obvious and I’m just slow. Whatever.
just make sure you follow through with every threat!! do not threaten something you can not follow through with. Once who don’t follow through, you can kiss the threat tactic goodbye :)
One, two… if I say three (insert despicable consequence) will happen. The monsters are now 5 and 7 and it still works. We did have a rather large toy box live on top of the tv cabinet that stored all of the toys that had been confiscated – having them in view was a reminder that asshat behaviour pissed me off and when I am pissed off, you lose toys!
If you want to get all edumacational, think of it as teaching ’cause and effect’ rather than bribes or threats. It works for me, it may only be a name change, but I feel like I am being more parental rather than being a blackmailing bitch.
I love it! You and the threats. My mom tries to be all, “well, sweetheart, we need to do this …..” and I’m like, “Do it or you won’t get to watch spongebob tonight!” My way is much more satisfying. And now with better weather and more light it’s all about NOT being able to play outside. The threat = way less yelling!
I love the blankie threat. Awesome.
Every time I start the count and we get to 2, Daisy looks at me with fear, and I at her cause neither of us know what the hell happens at 3! If you ever get there can you let us all know?
“like a particularly sub-standard citizen.”
I can think of so many uses for this!
Not the point that you were trying to make about the coat, but it reminded me of this recent study: http://www.livescience.com/culture/090324-toddlers-listen.html (non-psych nerd friendly article).
In short, he totally doesn’t even GET the logic of normal “why” when you give it to him.
Oh, how I wish that threats and/or time-out worked at our house. Our 3yo is so stubborn and strong-willed that she has, no lie, screamed in an epic tantrum (complete with wall-kicking and fist-pounding) for 90 minutes on one occasion. All because I asked her to be polite and say “please”.
Use the threats and one-two-three as long as they work, because we are still trying to figure out some kind of tactic that will get her to just PUT YOUR COAT ON/BRUSH YOUR TEETH/DON’T THROW THAT without an argument. *sigh*
Its so nice to hear someone say that they believe that the parent is the boss. I agree! I like to explain why and give Ella control over deciding as many things as I can and try to listen and understand to the angst that is inherent in being 3/4; etc etc. But when it comes right down to it, I am the Mom and she is the Kid and no one better forget it. I employ all the parenting techniques you listed and when asked what comes after three, I gave The Look and said in a calm voice, “Listen, kiddo, you DO NOT want to find out.” She seemed to find that enough of an answer.
PS after becoming a bit of joke for awhile, time outs have suddenly started really working on my 4 year old.
Actually my most favourite (ungrammatical but true!) stage was when I used to be able to just give my son The Look and he would immediately burst into tears and then do just what he had been asked to do WORDLESSLY (mean mother? me?!)
My least favourite was when each child became too big to physically carry up the stairs to their rooms when needed – a small child’s “I do not want to go to my room and you can’t make me even though I’ve been a *%£^+!”- style dead weight is something else!
I swear to God my three-in-two-days kiddo WAITS until I start counting to five. It drives me insane. But at least the threat is working; he almost always complies when the counting starts. But, why, oh why, does he have to be threatened in order to do what I want?!
We are teetering on the edge at 161/2 months – distraction is getting less and less useful, but threats/bribery/reasoning/ebay (what?) are nowhere near feasible. What, oh what do you do with the little…um…darlings while you wait?
You.are.the.best! I use all the methods described and wow does it feel good to read that others do the same thing I do. I have a Very stubborn 7 year old and her old/new tactic is to say that I “hurt her feelings” anytime she gets in trouble. Luckily, I don’t fall for that and her feelings be d*mned! I love your writing.
The One…two…three worked like magic for my 3.5 year old for several months and now, after three, he just looks at me, DARING me to do something about it. UGH!
This post made me laugh out loud. Thanks.
I used the “one..” thing on my 16 y/o recently and it worked! He burst out laughing and when he recovered he was all, “OK, Mom. sure.”
The 1-2-3 thing still works on me at 22 years old.
O.o I’ve never seen 3.
LOVE your writing! The entire time I was reading this I was shaking my head YESYESYES.
I do the “Go to your room” command too. And the evildoer is only allowed to come out IF HE CAN BE PLEASANT.
AND he has to show me his “pleasant face”.
I, for one, have a 2 year old that puts HERSELF in time out (Why are you sitting on the stairs, Marin? Because I hit Coco. Now I hafto sit on da stairs.) Then I have 2 6 year olds that ONLY go to time outs/their room kicking and screaming and literally grabbing things, like the stairs railing, while we (try to) carry them to their room.
Guess which child is my favorite, that is, if I was allowed to have a favorite, which I’m not. ;)
My three-year-old has started counting at ME. Mommy, I told you to get me a snack right now. ONE…
Our preschool teacher says it is about “choices”. You can choose to knock it off or you can choose to go to your room!
That way the child feels they are still in control. I think this is a good reframe of the threat. You can choose to pick up all your toys or you can choose to go to bed RIGHT NOW.
I can choose to have my head explode or I can choose to wring your neck… uh, did I say that?
I like the cry in your room idea.
And I answer “why” with “why not?”
What happens after “three” is addressed in 1-2-3 Magic. Great book. If you use the methods, you always have something that happens at three. Plus, you get to stop being emotional (angry) over the situation, and you don’t have to use any words to talk about it at all. No explaining. No democratic fluffy-wuffy bullshit. And best of all–you get to be more consistent. ‘Cuz God knows the worst thing is when your kid figures out that nothing comes after Three.
The other wonderful thing is that you get to stop looking like a total fool in public when you’re counting and your kid is ignoring you.
1-2-3 Magic, by Thomas Phelan
I should clarify I was mostly kidding about not knowing what comes after 3. Believe me, I don’t have trouble coming up with a punishment when the situation warrants. : )
HEY if you need some ideas for entertaining the boy besides the event email me, I have brought many a niece around town here.
My husband and I have nicknamed the boys db. We only pull it out when they are acting like orangutans People think it stands for darling boy and that we are being sarcastic but actually – douche bag.
Can I say how happy I am that we aren’t the only parents that call their kids douche bags?
Also, a tip for the whys? Ask them what they think? Why is the cat sleeping on the kitchen table? I don’t know db (ha!) why do you think he’s sleeping on the table? It will surprise you what they come up with.
Linda your blog makes me so happy. Our boys are almost the same age so most of your entries make me think you’ve been peeking in our windows (you haven’t been have you?) I smile every time I see Dylan in those blue moose/polar bear jammies. My little guy has the same ones :)
My son is only 10 months, so a firm and loud “no” is still working. I will miss these days.
totally unrelated to your recent post, but:
I have been catching up on some old entries & wanted to say that as far as school goes, I think as some people noted, you can get an education anywhere. Or not. As long as the school is safe & clean, your children will have the chance to succeed, and the rest is up to them. They have to have the desire, the personality, whatever. As for me, I had good teachers and bad ones, and I had a moderate drive to succeed. Mostly, though, I was afraid of getting into Trouble & so always did my work, tried hard, and behaved myself. This served me well in many ways but had nothing to to with the schools or the teachers.
I hated school all my life, from the get-go, despite having plenty of friends and being a good student. I hated the routine and the seeming uselessness & pointlessness of it all, especially the so-called “creative” assignments which I loathed most of all. That is, let me memorize some facts but don’t make me build a diorama! (To each his own; there is not ONE type of successful teaching/learning, there are MANY).
The most important things to ME were: 1.) summer vacation (I don’t think I could have made it through childhood without that to look forward to; also, I learned shitloads gorging on summer reading. The school districts around me are trying to go to year-round schedules and if I had a school-age child, that alone would be enough to cause me to move/change schools, homeschool, whatever. Year-round school is INHUMANE).
2.) extracurricular activities (sports and music programs taught me at least as much as classes did); and
3.) being in the same school, with the same students, throughout any given stage of school. (Again, the schools around me are constantly reshuffling the school districts, moving kids from here to there, and I think that, too, is terrible, to cause so much unnecessary upheaval in kids’ lives).
It’s not threatening……it’s called “Consequences.” (If you persist in doing “X”, I will be forced to do “Y”)
But really, you need to get a “Three.” One and two are no good, without a “Three.” But “three” can be used only very sparingly.
I sooo remember the night my mother started the “one, two….” rule…I thought it was kinda fun..for about one….