April 25, 2006

Spring has finally sprung here in the Northwest; the skies are bright, the air is warm, and I want to roll on my back in the lush green grass like Dog, except more for the joy of the season and less for the benefit of grinding poop into my fur.

Yesterday was so sunny and generally fabulous I thought it would be a great idea to work on my vegetable garden box, and so I prepped the boy for travel (check diaper, offer bottle, de-booger nose [child’s nose, unless own nose requires similar], perform onesie Cuteness Assessment) and motored down to Home Depot, which I assumed I would have practically to myself since it was the middle of a Monday afternoon.

Au contraire, Pierre! Apparently the Home Deport garden center on a weekday is where all of Bellevue’s Diamond B’Dazzled Housewives Driving Beamer SUVs hang out. I would have guessed that particular demographic would all be at bikram yoga or the Bellevue Square Mall or flitting around the lake on their yacht named “The Microsoft Golden Handcuff” but no, they were out in full force at Home Depot, taking up the good parking spots and buying flats of pansies and marigolds and totally bogarting the herb aisle.

(Maybe I’m just bitchy because I drive a ’97 Corolla, but is it really necessary to wear formal jewelry with a pink velour sweatsuit? I don’t care if the label does say “Juicy” and half your Botox’d ass is peeping out, it’s fucking sweat pants. Lose the bling.)

I managed to elbow my way through the tastefully highlighted throng and picked up this year’s attempt at homegrown edibles: broccoli, peppers, corn, tomatoes, and zucchini, which I’m sure will either grow freakishly out of control and become the housing for a million spiders (tomatoes) or produce a tiny mutant stilted version of its vegetable potential before being eaten by birds (everything else).

I even planted a container of “catmint” for Cat, despite the fact that she is most definitely on my shit list for having massacred a mouse on two separate occasions lately and left, right by the front door, 1) a tiny decapitated head connected to a naked spinal column and 2) a solitary severed paw.

Riley sat in the backyard with me while I was planting, propped in his bouncy seat waving around the scuffed plastic measuring cup he loves beyond all reason. I can’t adequately describe the simple animal pleasure of digging into the warm loamy dirt, watching my curious boy watching me back; it was a deeply wonderful afternoon that felt somehow transcended from all identifying details, like I could have been anyone, anywhere, working in the earth with my son nearby.

It’s awesome to see the good weather again, to look forward to long summer nights and puttering in the backyard and neighborhood walks, and everything is made extra joyous by our little boy; everything is even sweeter, the sun is even brighter.


In other news, I’ve been accepted as a contributing writer for a website called ClubMom. They purport to pay me actual U.S. currency for this effort, which is both vaguely thrilling and intimidating; I’m excited by the prospect of freelance blogging, I’m nervous that I won’t have readers or I’ll be up at 3 AM trying to meet my quota or I’ll just…run out of things to say.

A lack of quality content certainly hasn’t stopped me before, though, so carpe the fucking diem, right? I’ll be keeping a blog over at ClubMom about life with a baby, which I’m sure won’t be entirely dissimilar to many of my posts here except maybe not so much with the F bomb. I’ll still be posting here because I will give up this website when you pry it from my cold dead fingers, but I hope you come check out the new blog when it’s up and running, if only so I know I have friends in the audience and I don’t have to picture everyone naked.

Oh, and I could use your help with something for this whole venture: I need to submit a few names for my ClubMom blog. Ultimately they get to choose because hey, they sign the check, but I’d like to know your opinions. Here’s what I’ve thought of so far:

If You Don’t Like the Weather

You know the saying ‘if you don’t like the weather, wait ten minutes’? Like for an unpredictable climate? I thought this was a great metaphor for parenting a baby: smiles and laughter one minute, red-faced howler monkey shrieking the next. Plus, it’s got a homey sort of Erma Bombeck ring to it.

The Lime In the Coconut

Okay, so the “Coconut” song that goes:

She put the lime in the coconut, she drank ’em both up (3x)
Put the lime in the coconut, she called the doctor, woke him up, and said

Doctor, ain’t there nothin’ I can take, I said
Doctor, to relieve this bellyache, I said
Doctor, ain’t there nothin’ I can take, I said
Doctor, to relieve this bellyache

Now let me get this straight
Put the lime in the coconut, you drank ’em both up (3x)
Put the lime in the coconut, you called your doctor, woke him up, and said

Doctor, ain’t there nothin’ I can take, I said
Doctor, to relieve this bellyache, I said
Doctor, ain’t there nothin’ I can take, I said
Doctor, to relieve this bellyache

You put the lime in the coconut, you drink ’em both together
Put the lime in the coconut, then you feel better
Put the lime in the coconut, drink ’em both up
Put the lime in the coconut, and call me in the morning

You’re totally singing that to yourself right now, aren’t you? Dude, it’s the best song and it’s impossible to feel bad if you’re singing it. Lately I’ve been singing it to Riley while simultaneously performing a most excellent dance number that involves lots of pointing, rump-wiggling, and exaggerated strides around the room. Add in a Dog-startling falsetto on the “DOCTOR…” part and, well, all I can tell you is that Riley finds it greatly entertaining.

So I’m just loving on the song lately, but also! You can take ‘the cause of your problems is also the cure’ from the lyrics, if you don’t mind reaching a little. The baby is driving me crazy, the baby is teaching me patience. The lime! The coconut!

Purple Is a Fruit

If you’re using the Simpsons’ episode storage center of your brain for something more useful, like remembering how to drive a stick shift or multiply fractions, here is the quote in context:

Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut?
Lisa: No thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit.

I like this as a blog name because it sort of embodies my general cluelessness about parenting. Purple is a fruit, right? Um…right?

Anyway, maybe they’re all super lame, I don’t know. It’s a blog title, I don’t want to obsess over it too much, but if you like one more than the other please cast your vote in the comments. Thanks, and you guys rule, did you know that? Because you do.



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17 years ago

I vote for Purple IS a fruit – with the emphasis on IS.

17 years ago

“This too will pass”, That’s what my mom would tell me when I call up and discuss the kids.

17 years ago

I just looked at the ‘ClubMom’ site. Kinda reminds me of your trip to Home Depot.

17 years ago

I vote for “Lime in the Coconut.” I love that song, plus those are two of the main ingredients in my favorite Sri Lankan dish. Which of course means that you should choose that song, especially given that you don’t know me or why I would have a thing for Sri Lankan food.


And – you NOT having readers? Unimaginable. I’m so glad to hear about your new writing gig and will be there reading every word.

Awesome photos, per usual.

suzanna danna
17 years ago

If You Don’t Like the Weather is very cute… but I live in Texas and… if you don’t like the weather. Um… wait until November because it is going to be a hot sum-bitch for the next seven months. Wait, what were we talking about?

17 years ago

I’m liking the first one. Working for a book publisher and having been involved in countless painful brainstorming meetings to find the exact right title for a book, I’ve learned that it doesn’t really pay to get too cerebral. Most people will spend about half a second reading the title and probably not set aside the afternoon to ponder its deeper meanings. That said, “If You Don’t Like the Weather” makes sense immediately, but it also stands up to more serious thought for those few who will go there. In the end, though, it’s all about the content, baby, and I can’t wait to see what you come up with.

(Fuzzy head!)

bad penguin
17 years ago

I’m voting for Purple is a Fruit. Who doesn’t love a good Simpsons reference?

17 years ago

Purple is a fruit!!!!!!

17 years ago

I’m a follower… Purple is a Fruit is to my liking as well.
Simpsons references and quotes never go out of style.

17 years ago

I do love that song…. however ‘Purple is a Fruit’ is just so enticing. And I want you to know that even though you drop the ‘F’ bomb and other bombs… hee hee, I still love you. Don’t let this mom blog thing change the way you write. People will appreciate your sense of humor and your personality, ‘F’ bombs and all. Just stay you. Well, obviously no ‘F’ bombs on ClubMom but you know what I mean. Love ya, mean it. Purple is a fruit, isn’t it?

17 years ago

I have to vote for Purple is a Fruit.

I named a computer animation project “Purple is a Fruit” once. The title, of course, had nothing to do with the actual animation, which was a music video to the tune of Las Ketchup.

Good luck with your new blog!

17 years ago

I have to go with “Purple is a Fruit” as well. Also, The Onion A. V. Club has an article called “Simpson’s Quotes for Everyday Use” up today (http://www.avclub.com/content/node/47756). Very funny…

17 years ago

Totally thought I’d be in the minority with “Purple is a Fruit”, but YAY! I’m in the Norm!

17 years ago

Congrats on the new gig…count me as one of your readers at Club Mom. I say Lime in the Coconut because every mom can relate to wild dancing and singing purely for their child’s delight. Purple is a Fruit is my second vote – because I’m a clueless mom too!

17 years ago

Personally, I like….”The cause of your problems is also the cure….” because in parenting…well.. it is. But, lemminglike, I will also vote for Purple Is A Fruit, because it’s cool.

17 years ago

Can you put a link on your posts on this blog when you post on the other one for those of us that are too lazy to go somewhere else?

I would really appreciate it and it would drive up your numbers. You know we love you so much that if there was a button for ‘more sundry’ we’d click it. We got a fever and the only cure…

stephanie brown (alwaysworried)

my favorite is if you dont like the weather.
my second favorite is purple is a fruit.
i’m excited to see you being able to put your amazing writing skills to work on this new blog. you have so much to offer new mom’s and women thinking of becoming one. i know that when my boyfriend and i decide (after we get married of course) that we’re ready for the babies, i’ll be coming back here A LOT to read about what good ol’ sundry did in a “case like this”.

17 years ago

I like the “If you don’t like the weather …” one. Personally, I think it fits with raising a baby. I’m definitely in the minority, though. I make the 68th coment and I didn’t read too many of the weather votes.

Victor Leachman
17 years ago

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