Apr
25
April 25, 2006
Spring has finally sprung here in the Northwest; the skies are bright, the air is warm, and I want to roll on my back in the lush green grass like Dog, except more for the joy of the season and less for the benefit of grinding poop into my fur.
Yesterday was so sunny and generally fabulous I thought it would be a great idea to work on my vegetable garden box, and so I prepped the boy for travel (check diaper, offer bottle, de-booger nose [child’s nose, unless own nose requires similar], perform onesie Cuteness Assessment) and motored down to Home Depot, which I assumed I would have practically to myself since it was the middle of a Monday afternoon.
Au contraire, Pierre! Apparently the Home Deport garden center on a weekday is where all of Bellevue’s Diamond B’Dazzled Housewives Driving Beamer SUVs hang out. I would have guessed that particular demographic would all be at bikram yoga or the Bellevue Square Mall or flitting around the lake on their yacht named “The Microsoft Golden Handcuff” but no, they were out in full force at Home Depot, taking up the good parking spots and buying flats of pansies and marigolds and totally bogarting the herb aisle.
(Maybe I’m just bitchy because I drive a ’97 Corolla, but is it really necessary to wear formal jewelry with a pink velour sweatsuit? I don’t care if the label does say “Juicy” and half your Botox’d ass is peeping out, it’s fucking sweat pants. Lose the bling.)
I managed to elbow my way through the tastefully highlighted throng and picked up this year’s attempt at homegrown edibles: broccoli, peppers, corn, tomatoes, and zucchini, which I’m sure will either grow freakishly out of control and become the housing for a million spiders (tomatoes) or produce a tiny mutant stilted version of its vegetable potential before being eaten by birds (everything else).
I even planted a container of “catmint” for Cat, despite the fact that she is most definitely on my shit list for having massacred a mouse on two separate occasions lately and left, right by the front door, 1) a tiny decapitated head connected to a naked spinal column and 2) a solitary severed paw.
Riley sat in the backyard with me while I was planting, propped in his bouncy seat waving around the scuffed plastic measuring cup he loves beyond all reason. I can’t adequately describe the simple animal pleasure of digging into the warm loamy dirt, watching my curious boy watching me back; it was a deeply wonderful afternoon that felt somehow transcended from all identifying details, like I could have been anyone, anywhere, working in the earth with my son nearby.
It’s awesome to see the good weather again, to look forward to long summer nights and puttering in the backyard and neighborhood walks, and everything is made extra joyous by our little boy; everything is even sweeter, the sun is even brighter.
:::
In other news, I’ve been accepted as a contributing writer for a website called ClubMom. They purport to pay me actual U.S. currency for this effort, which is both vaguely thrilling and intimidating; I’m excited by the prospect of freelance blogging, I’m nervous that I won’t have readers or I’ll be up at 3 AM trying to meet my quota or I’ll just…run out of things to say.
A lack of quality content certainly hasn’t stopped me before, though, so carpe the fucking diem, right? I’ll be keeping a blog over at ClubMom about life with a baby, which I’m sure won’t be entirely dissimilar to many of my posts here except maybe not so much with the F bomb. I’ll still be posting here because I will give up this website when you pry it from my cold dead fingers, but I hope you come check out the new blog when it’s up and running, if only so I know I have friends in the audience and I don’t have to picture everyone naked.
Oh, and I could use your help with something for this whole venture: I need to submit a few names for my ClubMom blog. Ultimately they get to choose because hey, they sign the check, but I’d like to know your opinions. Here’s what I’ve thought of so far:
If You Don’t Like the Weather
You know the saying ‘if you don’t like the weather, wait ten minutes’? Like for an unpredictable climate? I thought this was a great metaphor for parenting a baby: smiles and laughter one minute, red-faced howler monkey shrieking the next. Plus, it’s got a homey sort of Erma Bombeck ring to it.
The Lime In the Coconut
Okay, so the “Coconut” song that goes:
She put the lime in the coconut, she drank ’em both up (3x)
Put the lime in the coconut, she called the doctor, woke him up, and said
Doctor, ain’t there nothin’ I can take, I said
Doctor, to relieve this bellyache, I said
Doctor, ain’t there nothin’ I can take, I said
Doctor, to relieve this bellyache
Now let me get this straight
Put the lime in the coconut, you drank ’em both up (3x)
Put the lime in the coconut, you called your doctor, woke him up, and said
Doctor, ain’t there nothin’ I can take, I said
Doctor, to relieve this bellyache, I said
Doctor, ain’t there nothin’ I can take, I said
Doctor, to relieve this bellyache
You put the lime in the coconut, you drink ’em both together
Put the lime in the coconut, then you feel better
Put the lime in the coconut, drink ’em both up
Put the lime in the coconut, and call me in the morning
You’re totally singing that to yourself right now, aren’t you? Dude, it’s the best song and it’s impossible to feel bad if you’re singing it. Lately I’ve been singing it to Riley while simultaneously performing a most excellent dance number that involves lots of pointing, rump-wiggling, and exaggerated strides around the room. Add in a Dog-startling falsetto on the “DOCTOR…” part and, well, all I can tell you is that Riley finds it greatly entertaining.
So I’m just loving on the song lately, but also! You can take ‘the cause of your problems is also the cure’ from the lyrics, if you don’t mind reaching a little. The baby is driving me crazy, the baby is teaching me patience. The lime! The coconut!
Purple Is a Fruit
If you’re using the Simpsons’ episode storage center of your brain for something more useful, like remembering how to drive a stick shift or multiply fractions, here is the quote in context:
Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut?
Lisa: No thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit.
I like this as a blog name because it sort of embodies my general cluelessness about parenting. Purple is a fruit, right? Um…right?
Anyway, maybe they’re all super lame, I don’t know. It’s a blog title, I don’t want to obsess over it too much, but if you like one more than the other please cast your vote in the comments. Thanks, and you guys rule, did you know that? Because you do.
Comments
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I like Purple is a Fruit. Also, it is so not fair that you get to have an adorable kid AND get paid for writing about him. Oh, and lastly, as a reward for getting the lime in the coconut song stuck in my head: Do you like pina coladas? And getting caught in the rain?
Yeah, that’s what I thought.
My vote goes to “purple is a fruit” – how cool is that? LOVE IT.
Good luck! I vote for “Purple Is a Fruit”! And I’ll be so interested to see how it goes for you! I got an email awhile back from the ClubMom folks about applying to do what it sounds like you’re going to do, but I was intimidated by the amount of time it would likely take. I don’t know, on the other hand, what the hell, do I want to write or not? I don’t know. So I will be reading you (and WATCHING YOU) and living vicariously, at least for the moment, through your efforts!
Out of the three, I like “If you don’t like the weather” but you should add an “…” after it. Whatever those things are called… I can never remember but I use it all the time… Exclamation marks too! Or, here’s a silly question, can’t you just stick w/ Sundry? “All & Sundry” or “Sundry Mourning”?
I’m glad to have another place in space to read you (did I just type “place in space”?)! You’re a great writer! :) -h
I, too, vote for “Purple Is a Fruit” but I also like “The Lime In the Coconut.”
I am 100% behind “Purple Is A Fruit”.
Also: thanks, now I have that lime song stuck in my head.
A vote for “Purple is a Fruit” here too!
I can’t get enough of the sunshine either -I can finally begin to thaw out. It has be sorely missed.
loving “purple is a fruit”. When I was a kid, my mom would ask what flavor popsicle I wanted, and I answered “red” – kind of the same thing…. cuz, you know, red is a flavor.
And – YAY YOU for making actual money for writing a blog!
okay, i actually worked for clubmom for a few godawful months in college before it really took off. hated it, but i’m sure writing a blog for them will be cool.
i loved all of your names. you’re so clever! but if i HAD to choose i’d go with purple is a fruit. :)
I vote for Purple is a Fruit. Best of luck with your new venture!!
Purple is a Fruit sounds great to me!
Am with you on “Purple is a Fruit” which I like best, and also “Lime in the Coconut”. I love that song!
Oh if only 2/3 of my brain were not taken up by Simpsons references and Tyra Banks’ forehead…
I too vote for Purple is a Fruit.
Oh congratulations, you gardening cutie! I go with Lime in the Coconut, just because I picture you in some vaguely tropical Old Navy attire in your contributor picture, grinning all “why yes, I’m so kicky I mentioned two (!) fruits in my blog title!” Also, can the Sundry readers show up all tough and old-skool and start fights in the comments? Kidding. (Except that would actually be rad.)
Purple is a Fruit is my vote too, because seriously, Purple is a fruit. Same with Blue. And I am glad you will be dual-blogging because then there is more of you to love.
I too must go with the Purple is a Fruit. It reminds me of “ketchup is a vegetable”. I wish I could have a real garden in my backyard but with a child nicknamed Captain Destructo that is not possible. So I must again be satisfied with my pot garden. I grow my veggies in pots, get it? HAAA!
Okay, I’ll leave now.
Purple is a Fruit! Purple is a Fruit!
Loving Purple is a Fruit. Love it.
Yeah–Purple is a Fruit. Excellent idea. Go, Sundry! (Your description of the Home Depot shoppers reminds me of the women who shop NW 23rd in Portland on weekdays, who I see if I have doctor’s appointment or something. I call them “the hill people.”
Purple is a Fruit. Love it. I totally dig the pig tails; my daughter and I are both sporting that look these days (although really, what makes them piggy again?). I love Spring in the NW — it’s such a relief to see so many sunny days ahead.
Purple is a Fruit
Totally.
I am currently enjoying a “fruit” blow pop, you know so I can meet my quota of healthy food for the day. And I must add, while we are on the subject of parenting, I’m a single woman…but read your blog like a manual for the day I have my own howling monkey, er, baby.
I vote for Purple is a Fruit! Simpsons quotes are never wrong. NEVER.
I hate to be on the me too wagon, but I like Purple is a fruit also. I would recommend getting that domain before someone else takes it :)
The Lime In the Coconut. Because of the rump shaking.
Built in theme song. Every hero should have one.
The thrill of getting that song stuck in random mommy heads is worth the price of admission.
I prefer If You Don’t Like the Weather (with the ellipses added), but think Purple is a Fruit is Decent. I think the lime/coconut is stretching a bit too far. Congratulations! And I sure wish it’d dry off enough down here to get into the garden. I’m jealous….
You brought back a fond memory of “The Lime in the Coconut” song. It was way back in the hippie days and a bunch of us were in a car traveling down to Cape Cod for the weekend. Some of us were a bit high and we all started singing that song with the radio. We had a percussion section of soda bottles and everything! (You kinda had to be there!) But that is definitely a groovy song, so I vote for that one.
I’d go with “If you don’t like the weather…” I don’t tell you enough, but I love your writing. Keep at it sista.
I hear you on the bling/sweats combo. The mommies at my daughters’ school must share stylists with your Home Depot buddies. Lordy ladies, it is a wierd look.
I also vote for “Purple is a fruit”. Hee! Congrats, by the way. I applied for a writing gig with ClubMom and got a lovely rejection email. Ouch. I feel a bit better about it now that I see the quality of what they were looking for. I read your blog nearly every day and I will definitely check out what you end up writing over there, too.
Yay, you!
Snort…you said rump-wiggling.
Purple is a Fruit.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever commented here before, so if not, hello, I’m Wendi. Been reading for a while.
Anyhow, I vote for “Purple is a Fruit”. AWESOME
And also? That pic looks like you’ve lost weight! And you didn’t need to! Your face looks seriously thin. Don’t go disappearin’ on us now, k?
Pink sweatsuits and bling? Uh huh, I agree… very wrong.
I like the weather one myself. Congrats on getting a writing gig.
I support Purple Is A Fruit. Actually, I support any Simpsons reference. How about “The Kids Can Call You HoJu”? Or “Thou Shalt Not Horn In On Thy Husband’s Racket”. Or “Jesus Did Not Have Wheels”. Or…
Congrats on the new gig! That’s great. IMHO, there’s no need skimp on the F-bomb. Are we supposed to stop swearing just because we’re parents or something? I mean, come on!
Wait, we are? Uh oh.
Purple is a Fruit, because I’d never heard of the other two. Or maybe a different title with more personal meaning to you (The Adventures of Riley and Dog and The Rest of Us, or something wittier)?
Where does the title appear? All I could find on the ClubMom website were individually titled articles, a list of “Go-To Moms” and a list of “Parenting Experts”. I couldn’t find any list of blog titles…
I’m voting for “If You Don’t Like the Weather” with ellipses… I’m not in the majority but I will not be swayed by the masses!
Martha
I’m going to have to jump on the purple fruit bandwagon here- not only because it’s awesome, but also because it sounds just like some completely bizarre thing your son will most likely say to you one day. You know he will.
I’m hopping on this grape cluster and going with purple is a fruit.
Very nice, congrats on the new blogmom gig.
Okay, I wanted to share this link. I just found it and have been staring at this gorgeous art for longer than I should. Does anyone else want all 26 of them??? How cute would these be in a nursery?!?!?!
http://www.emilybalivet.com/Alphabet.html
I’m voting “If you don’t like the weather…”
Looking forward to reading it!
I like “Purple is a fruit” partly because of the Simpson connection of course, but mainly because it’s the one of the three I think mostly reminds me of your writing. It’s the one I’d choose to describe your site.
Purple is a fruit. Definitely.
Lime in the coconut is the THE clear winner…..best song ever written and so catchy that people will remember your blog.
The minute I read the words “Purple is a fruit” I knew you had a winner. It suits your humor and writing style perfectly. I’m looking forward to having another place to read your eloquent perspective on life. Congrats!
Definitely ‘Purple is a fruit’! Simpsons all the way.
Wow, they’re all good. I prefer “If You Don’t Like the Weather” but I think I’ve been out-voted by far.
Reading about your gardening has made me long for my own home with a yard more than I was (which was a lot). I can’t wait to have a place to plant things other than a pot on my apartment balcony.
“Purple is a fruit” — Love the Simpson’s connection and how it describes your humor.
Speaking of humor…..Your description of the presents Cat brought you…..1) a tiny decapitated head connected to a naked spinal column and 2) a solitary severed paw……are so hilarious. We have EIGHT cats and find prizes like this on a daily basis. But I have yet to describe them so eloquently. Don’t be too hard on Cat. She probably thought she was contributing to supper.
put the lime in the coconut you drank em both up………. Great. I have an executive presentation this afternoon in front of a bazillion Sr managers and that song is going to be rolling in my craw! Of course my vote is for the lime!
My cat used to bring home whole nests of meadow moles and baby squirrels. We would go out on the front porch and there would be a pile of dead things! Now he is old and fat and can’t be bothered. No body parts. No stepping in intestines and brains.
I hesitate to go against the crowd (I’m such a follower), but I don’t like “Purple is a Fruit.” It’s too surreal/obscure a reference (I’ve seen every Simpsons episode more times even than I’d like to, and I still didn’t catch it), and it doesn’t have anything to do with what the blog is about. I wish you could use “All & Sundry,” but I suppose that’s already the name of THIS blog so no go.
I don’t like “Lime in the Coconut,” either, though I do like the song and now it’s going through my head, so apparently I’m hard to please. But what I’m thinking of is how when we were choosing baby names, I didn’t want to choose anything “too deliberate”–anything that sounded like Here’s Our Baby Name, Be Astounded! I wanted something that wouldn’t sound like we thought we were naming The Voice of the Next Generation, just our little baby who would one day be an adult and have to live with that name. Um, that was kind of a long digression just to say that I think both “Purple is a Fruit” and “Lime in the Coconut” are too DELIBERATE. Like, “Hey, I’m naming a website something creative!”
I guess I’d have to choose “If You Don’t Like the Weather,” then, except I think it’s too down-home for your writing style. If I saw a blog named that, I’d expect some sort of boring heard-it-a-million-times mom tripe, as opposed to your fresh and interesting use of EVERY WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.
I think the reason I don’t like any of them is that none of them sound good enough for your stuff.
what synchonicity– when I read “totally bogarting the herb aisle” I was totally planning on leaving an email that said, good god woman– you should be PAID for this shit and then learned HELLA GOOD– you ARE going to be paid for this shit.
You are at the very tippy top of the giant heap of blog writers– I love the spin you bring to everything- and I don’t even have kids and yet, I will probably follow you to Club Mom anyway– kooky.
As for voting, I guess I liked it when you wrote lime! coconut! just like that—- but, purple is a fruit is okay– it just makes me think immediately of “oranges are not the only fruit,” not that there’s anything wrong with that.
I too throw in my vote for “purple is a fruit.” You can NEVER go wrong with a Simpsons reference.