August 19, 2007

Not to go all Seinfeld on you, but what is the deal with men and doctor visits? I swear it has to do with a rectal exam phobia. I mean, it’s like the male species as a whole has this terrified notion that the instant you walk into a doctor’s office, someone rams a finger up your ass, without even the common courtesy of a reacharound.

I’ve been nagging JB to see a doctor for what I’m fairly confident is an easily-remedied, non-deadly medical issue, and his excuses are both many and vague, and seem to center around the complaint that sitting in waiting rooms sucks. I’ll agree with him that wasting entire minutes of your life with only Golf Digest and Highlights as entertainment options does in fact suck, but I’m fairly sure that’s not the true nature of his hesitation. No, I’m thinking what JB is most wanting to avoid has more to do with the remote, theoretical possibility that he’ll be required to experience a security breach in his nether regions as part of the visit.

Hey, I’m the last person to say that a butt exam is any kind of fun. I mean, I get it: it’s uncomfortable, it’s embarrassing, and no one uses a safeword. However, as a woman who has had a ridiculous amount of internal probing over the last couple years I can only say that there are times when a person has to cowboy up. A person has to go to their happy place, and try to ignore the fact that there is a hand—and possibly, by the feel of things, a wiffleball bat—in a place previously reserved for very close friends and/or drunken hookups.

I think there’s even a Biblical saying about this: As thou groweth in years, there cometh a day when into ye most private orifice a gloved finger shall go. And yea, it shall leaveth a shameful film of lube in its wake.

Something like that. It’s right after the psalm about still waters and green pastures, I believe.

Anyway, any guy readers, can you confirm or deny? If you’re resistant to seeing a doctor, as most men I’ve ever known are, is it because you fear for the integrity of your butthole? It’s okay to share your feelings. This is a safe, nonjudgmental place. Group hug!

And now I have no smooth segue to, well, ANYTHING ELSE at this point, so let’s go to some photos from the weekend:

For anyone pretending to care about the more tiresome details of the kitchen remodel (god bless you and your generous soul), this is a new granite choice we picked out this weekend called Juparana Golden. It’s more dramatic than our previously-picked Giallo Veneziano, and has a bigger range of color. Also, aren’t granite color names wonderful? So romantic, for a slab of rock.

Also, don’t mess with this guy.

Seriously. Dude will totally throw down if he has to.

Well, unless you distract him by pointing out that he, too, has a beebee.


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Christie Mitchell
Christie Mitchell
15 years ago