August 19, 2007

Not to go all Seinfeld on you, but what is the deal with men and doctor visits? I swear it has to do with a rectal exam phobia. I mean, it’s like the male species as a whole has this terrified notion that the instant you walk into a doctor’s office, someone rams a finger up your ass, without even the common courtesy of a reacharound.

I’ve been nagging JB to see a doctor for what I’m fairly confident is an easily-remedied, non-deadly medical issue, and his excuses are both many and vague, and seem to center around the complaint that sitting in waiting rooms sucks. I’ll agree with him that wasting entire minutes of your life with only Golf Digest and Highlights as entertainment options does in fact suck, but I’m fairly sure that’s not the true nature of his hesitation. No, I’m thinking what JB is most wanting to avoid has more to do with the remote, theoretical possibility that he’ll be required to experience a security breach in his nether regions as part of the visit.

Hey, I’m the last person to say that a butt exam is any kind of fun. I mean, I get it: it’s uncomfortable, it’s embarrassing, and no one uses a safeword. However, as a woman who has had a ridiculous amount of internal probing over the last couple years I can only say that there are times when a person has to cowboy up. A person has to go to their happy place, and try to ignore the fact that there is a hand—and possibly, by the feel of things, a wiffleball bat—in a place previously reserved for very close friends and/or drunken hookups.

I think there’s even a Biblical saying about this: As thou groweth in years, there cometh a day when into ye most private orifice a gloved finger shall go. And yea, it shall leaveth a shameful film of lube in its wake.

Something like that. It’s right after the psalm about still waters and green pastures, I believe.

Anyway, any guy readers, can you confirm or deny? If you’re resistant to seeing a doctor, as most men I’ve ever known are, is it because you fear for the integrity of your butthole? It’s okay to share your feelings. This is a safe, nonjudgmental place. Group hug!

And now I have no smooth segue to, well, ANYTHING ELSE at this point, so let’s go to some photos from the weekend:

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For anyone pretending to care about the more tiresome details of the kitchen remodel (god bless you and your generous soul), this is a new granite choice we picked out this weekend called Juparana Golden. It’s more dramatic than our previously-picked Giallo Veneziano, and has a bigger range of color. Also, aren’t granite color names wonderful? So romantic, for a slab of rock.

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Also, don’t mess with this guy.

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Seriously. Dude will totally throw down if he has to.

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Well, unless you distract him by pointing out that he, too, has a beebee.

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Kathryn
Kathryn
15 years ago

Good lord woman, now you’ve gone and made me laugh.

And could that child BE any more suspicious looking? :)

leenie
15 years ago

as a friend said last night, dudes only get to complain when it get to the stage that an orifice of THEIRS is being opened by something that cranks open. duck lips anyone? ::shudder::

mister riley is looking mighty tough. he wears it well.

manda
15 years ago

seriously. men will not go to the doctor. I think my husband probably wouldn’t if his foot was rotting off. Men just happen to be the world’s largest piles of insanity when it comes to things like that.
On a different non-man-bashing note, i love the choice of granite. It’s the perfect mixture of hues.

jen
jen
15 years ago

The male doctor thing, although I do think the threat of the anal probing gets them, has more to do with machismo, mortality and the fear of aging. In my own personal life experience, men would rather almost die, like really almost effin’ die for real, than go to the freakin’ doctor.

Jo
Jo
15 years ago

The biblical saying is gold, pure gold.
Good to see Riley is still ultra suspicious :)

Belle
Belle
15 years ago

My husband goes to the doctor a zillion times a year, for the serious stuff as well as the not so serious. Obviously, he doesn’t mind it a bit. I don’t know why he’s like that, but he’s been that way for the 35 years we’ve been married, so it’s not just his age. I, on the other hand, hate going and only go once a year and that’s once too many!

karamarie
15 years ago

My husband wouldn’t go last year when he was bitten by a BROWN RECLUSE. And there was no chance orifaces would be probed if he went to get that fixed (except maybe the gaping wound the bite caused). I agree that it has to do with machismo and mortality issues.

Riley is awesome.

Jake
Jake
15 years ago

Doctors are who you see if you want to stop eating good food, get scared about your visceral fat, and find out your blood pressure is too high. Or that you have Dengue hemorrhagic fever. If nobody tells you how sick you are, then things are fine and you’re great. If you go to the doctor, they’ll find out that you’re sick, and then you’ll be dying. No doctor = not sick = not dying.

Plus, then there’s the finger in the butt thing. Which everybody knows makes you gay.

andrea
15 years ago

My husband can be added to the won’t go to the doctor under any circumstances list. I’ve been listening to him bitch about various aches and pains since we met 5 years ago, and I don’t think been in to see one in that time.

Riley is one tough looking kid. Wouldn’t want to meet him alone in a dark alley.

Victoria
15 years ago

I will not mess with that kid. Bee bee or not.

Wait. That sounded wrong.

Julia
Julia
15 years ago

I’m in your camp, Sundry. My fiance will probably never go to the doctor again after a very surprised, unpleasant visit to the doctor’s this past winter. It wasn’t enough before that he claimed it COULD happen; no, now he is absolutely convinced it will happen EVERY TIME. So, uh, if you read in the Seattle Times about some 30 year old keeling over in the north end of the city from some very curable illness had he just gone to the doctor, that’ll probably be him. Send flowers.

sophielovespeanutbutter
sophielovespeanutbutter
15 years ago

Ok, point to Jake for making me laugh. :)

The granite looked, at first, like a slab of pepper crusted salmon or somesuch. so, mmmm.

And in the first pic, Riley seems to be saying “Why on earth would Daddy go to the doctor? That is veeeeery suspicious.”

Pete
Pete
15 years ago

Just wait until JB gets older. A couple of years ago I had my first kaleidoscope. You know, where they take a large scope and explore Uranus. The granite looks great, lots of character.

Melissa
15 years ago

Good God, those are some serious eyebrows. I call uncle.

Jem
Jem
15 years ago

Nate won’t go to the doctor AT ALL but I don’t think its anything to do with fears for his butt, as his health problems are mainly to do with his back. Unless he’s had some bad experiences in the past with going to a doctor for back problems and ending up with a rectal exam, in which case I have no idea what the hell kind of doctor he was going to.

JMH
JMH
15 years ago

I think it is a control issue with men. When they visit the dr., they are not in control of the situation. AND they realize that they can’t control EVERYTHING (like getting sick) At least that is the case with my husband. However, once we had kids and I old him to quit whining when he didn’t feel well ( I also completely ignored his pathetic sickness act…suck it up and get out of bed – it is just a cold!!!!) he went to the dr. more often. It’s all how you play the game :)

warcrygirl
15 years ago

OMG, Riley has THE BROW. HAHAHAHA!!! I’ll have to ask Hubby about the topic at hand.

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
15 years ago

Ha Ha too funny!
Love the beebee picture, he looks so serious/suspicious!

My husband has gotten better with going to the Dr. even though he did actually have a valid bad experience once.
He has back problems and actually as I type here at work he is at home in severe pain having to deal with a five year old. He messed up his back yet again about a week ago lifting the transmission to his car, so he can barely move and he’s hopefully going to get an MRI today.
So between my problems and his back problems we have been in and out of the Dr. about 374648493283364822 times is the past few weeks.
He also thinks he has a pulled groin muscle and when I came home from work the other day he needed me to “inspect” the area and make sure it wasn’t swollen. Hmmmmmm wait a minute…… I think that may have been just a ploy to get me to probe his genitals!

books
15 years ago

If you think it’s bad trying to get him to go for a regular malady, imagine the enthusiastic response you get when they have to go specifically to have their man parts examined (part of infertility testing). I deliberately left out the fact that one of the descriptions I read said these visits often included a “digital rectal examination.” That really sounds like something you’d rather be surprised about, rather than worry endlessly about beforehand, no? Luckily (for him) this particular doc didn’t do the probe (tho he was a bit insulted when his balls were judged to be “average.”)

Zoot
Zoot
15 years ago

My husband was the same way and I kept hounding him to see a doctor about a similar probably-not-life-threatening issue. It ended up resulting in him needing a sphigmoidoscopy which he was nervous about for obvious reasons and I was worried he would try to back out (no pun intended) last minute.

But he did it! And he talks about it all the time and how it’s totally no big deal and people shouldn’t be scared or embarrassed because it’s nowhere near as bad as he thought it was going to be.

Seriously. He talks about it often. One time specifically was when his sister’s boyfriend attended his first family function. Way to welcome him to the family, dear.

Katie
15 years ago

I think Jake is right. My husband is totally afraid of being told he has a brain tumor or cancer and thus will not go to the doctor.

I am the opposite. I am convinced I have some awful disease, so I go to the doctor to calm my fear and tell me that no, it is just a mild virus. I love that! Maybe that makes me a hypochondriac.

Sarah
Sarah
15 years ago

My husband and I recently both went to the doctor to get some moles looked at. In the waiting room, we were joking about and he says “I hope they don’t make me take off my shoes and socks because my feet smell”. And I’m saying ‘yeah, they’ll do that…for a MOLE!’, and then we go on to joke about getting naked, etc. The mole was behind his ear, and I mentioned that would be a fairly circuitous route to get to it. Well, whaddya know – in the office (because my husband hadn’t been to the doctor for years), the doc decides to check his feet for circulation issues ‘since you’re here’. And then, when asked the optimum time to begin prostate concerns, the doctor says ‘probably not until you’re 50’…..’BUT, since you’re here….’ – hahahaha, I had to leave the room and was laughing thinking about what was going on behind there. All this for a mole! But I think it was for the best – surprise attack! They went out for dinner after.

Karl
Karl
15 years ago

I go to the doctor when a) I am sick with b) something that the doctor can plausibly fix. Otherwise, not. E.g. at the moment I am off running with a shin injury. Every female around (especially the beloved wife) has asked a zillion times “why HAVEN’T you gone to the doctor yet?” Uh, a) because it’s a pain in the ass, but mostly b) because he’ll tell me to rest it and ice it and take ibuprofen and hmm, the x-ray looks like I might have hurt my leg. Did that, yep iced, did the piils too, and I kinda guessed that I hurt my leg. So what would be the point?

As far as the rectal exam, I don’t know how other guys feel about it, but it’s no big deal. Certainly not my favorite thing but it wouldn’t keep me away if I thought I really needed a doctor.

As for Riley, I think the word “truculent” was invented for those faces .. love it!

Swistle
15 years ago

Laughed until tears actually left my eye region.

That boy looks like he’s ready for a role on Orange County Choppers.

Rakel
Rakel
15 years ago

maybe if they gave orifice exams some of them romantic slab of rock names…

Melis
Melis
15 years ago

in our home, those would be called “Man Dots”

Becky
Becky
15 years ago

My husband’s theory is…you aren’t sick until you visit the doctor. Until then it is only symptoms. So in his twisted mind….the doctor IS the one that makes him sick.

As for me…I go when I don’t feel well (unless it is a small cold). Other than that…I am there!

Love how suspicious Riley is!

ang
ang
15 years ago

How timely is this post! My spouse is actually going to the doctor today. We’ve been married 11 years, together for over 13 and I think this is the third time he’s been. (and he made fun of me because I have my doc’s number memorized) But honestly, the ONLY reason he’s going is that I refused to have sex until his whooping, rattling cough of death goes away. I’m quite sure this was the catalyst.

Also Riley: I LOVE LOVE LOVE THOSE PICTURES! Will you please come photograph my kid randomly so I can have at least SOME pix without the red eye?

Diana
Diana
15 years ago

safeword….ha

Penny
Penny
15 years ago

Awesome add-on biblical verse. I might be inclined to sneak into a couple churches and pen that one in.

Perhaps there will be more men making doctor’s appointments that way.

Laura
Laura
15 years ago

“I did it like this, I did it like that, I did it with a wiffleball bat…”

I’m trying to get my husband to go to the doctor for what is obviously depression brought about by his father’s brain cancer, and he very sneeringly asks me why he can’t just drink – isn’t that the same thing as being medicated for depression? I may have to medicate him with a wiffleball bat to the head.

Alyson
15 years ago

My DH denied for YEARS, that he was a likely Type 2 Diabetic (our constant jokes about him not being able to go anywhere if there was not a bathroom available nearby wasn’t a clue?). It took a failed Insurance physical to finally get him off the dime and into the Doctor’s office. When you get your blood sugar level down from three times the normal limit, it is amazing how much better you feel.

Tell JB he will likely feel much better shortly afterward, and will be slapping himself on the forehead about being such a baby!

Shannon
15 years ago

At first scroll, I thought that slab of granite was going to be a piece of moldy bread that was uncovered during your kitchen remodel!

g~
g~
15 years ago

Okay, seriously off topic, but Riley’s arms are adorable enough to make me laugh! (I know, I know, how weird am I?) They’re so small and scrawny next to his barrel chest.

ShannonJ
ShannonJ
15 years ago

Hilarious post, hilarious comments. Great pictures. That second one really made me laugh out loud. “I will EFF YOU UP with this ring stacker!”

Who said “man dots”? HAHAHAHA. I’ll have to remember that one when my son gets older.

victoria
victoria
15 years ago

It’s fear. I made my husband go to the dr. once 15 years ago to get a mole checked. He had night terrors for about a week before his appt.

stephanie brown
stephanie brown
15 years ago

Laura: that is instantly what I thought when I heard wiffleball bat also….Beastie Boys forever!

g~: then we can be weird together! I saw his wittle arms and was just like awwwww look at his tiny little arms! ::babyswoon:: :)

HollowSquirrel
15 years ago

Great timing. I had a rectal exam today. Thanks for bringing up that almost-suppressed memory again.

Josh
15 years ago

You want to know why men hate going to the doctor? I’ll tell you why. Because it is a waste of time. Men are born with the completely normal instinct to be the baddest mofo on the planet. If you aren’t dying, you shouldn’t be a pussy and go get help from some guy who touches other guys for a living. You should be a man and walk it off, or rub some dirt on it, or drink whiskey and gasoline until you burn it out of your system. If you are dying, then congradulations. There is no need to go see a doctor and ruin your manliness right before you kick the bucket. You don’t want people to chisel your tombstone with the message:

“John Q. Girlyman, beloved nancy boy to many. May you rest in peace. (knowing that your sons will grow up wearing dresses, constantly shamed by their peers for having a wimpy father)”

Plus, there’s the intrusion. Doctors look for excuses to probe your poop chute and handle your coin purse. And then they charge you, literally, out the ass.

If you get burned by lava over 90% of your body, and you don’t have aloe and tequila available to you at home, then it is ok to see a doctor. If you are fighting a puma, or a bear, or a T-rex or whatever, and it maims you so badly that you are incapable of stopping the people around you from taking you to the doctor, then it is ok. If (as one of the comments before pointed out) your woman, out of the love of her heart, but without understanding for the man code, takes your love life hostage and demands that you see a doctor or forever go without the love making you need and deserve, then it is ok to go. But under no circumstance should any man go seek treatment because he feels sniffly, or under the weather, or gets a booboo. In fact, don’t seek treatment of your own accord ever. And don’t accept any unless the alternative is worse than hell itself. Much much worse.

Except for jelly fish, which are freaky and disturbing creatures, and no man should ever die like Queen Latifa in Sphere.

Josh
15 years ago

I forgot to say that it is ok to see a doctor if he is giving you a new heart, liver, etc. Because taking other people organs is a manly enough activity to change his status from doctor to scientist therefore permiting you to allow his aide in the theft of said organ.

Donna
Donna
15 years ago

Riley-Pictures plus BabyTwo-Pictures. . . . can’t wait!

Sundry
Sundry
15 years ago

Josh, you seriously kill me. I should be collecting your comments into a little Hallmark gift book.

ShannonJ
ShannonJ
15 years ago

Oh, also, maybe men don’t like going to the doctor because they don’t like any kind of INSTRUCTIONS. And I guess instructions that involve bending over a table are the worst kind.

KT
KT
15 years ago

The granite is gorgeous!

Frank
15 years ago

The whole finger treatment is not something you experience with a Doctor’s visit unless its the whole yearly physical thing and where they’ll exam every inch of you and draw enough blood for several transfusions. While yes it can be a bit uncomfortable, its better to know something in time to actually, you know, treat it. This from someone who lost a Mother ot ovarian cancer because she refused to go to a Doctor until it was too late. An ouch of prevention and all that.

Deb
Deb
15 years ago

Here’s a great one: my husband had to have a rule set against him: you can only go to the hosiptal if it’s broken AND I see blood. Big baby always thought he needed to go to the hospital, not the doctor NO the Emergency Room. Of course since the rule has gone in effect he hasn’t gone to the doctor either. Must be some kind of protest…

Lesley
Lesley
15 years ago

Sundry, have you seen this widget for expecting moms?
http://www.widgetbox.com/widget/baby-ticker

Josh
15 years ago

I’ve talked with Hallmark. Apparently I’m not what they’re looking for. I told them I like kittens but they didn’t listen. I’m waiting for Alice Cooper to start a card company. He already golfs, so how far off could it be?

Steve
Steve
15 years ago

Josh said it all very well. Yes… it’s the security breach. I once, while in the hospital, was told by the doctor that it was necessary. I said no. He said would you rather die? I said yes. I mean… if I’ve got whatever it is that’s important enough to go there for, I’m dead. If nothing is found, then there was no need to go there.

Mandy
Mandy
15 years ago

Are your books arranged by color on that bookshelf behind Riley in the last (cute) photo?