I used to think people who complained about colds were . . . well, kind of wussy. Never again will I think such a thing. From here on out, the moment someone near me sneezes I will rush to their side, murmuring words of sympathy and offering my deepest, most heartfelt condolences. Well, after I douse my entire body with Purell, of course.

I’ve been sick for so goddamn long I can’t remember what it’s like to feel normal. On Monday my doctor gave me antibiotics (“These won’t actually shorten the length of your cold, but they might prevent additional bacterial infections”) and cough syrup with codeine (which does seem to help with the middle-of-the-night consumptive hacking fits, although it tastes like seventeen flavors of ass), and noted that my resting heart rate is a jolly 110 beats per minute, which probably means I AM DYING, or possibly just having to work extra, ridiculously hard to perform such strenuous activities as inhaling.

I assumed that once I actually complained to a medical professional the cold would instantly disappear, the same way your computer suddenly starts working perfectly the minute you summon a sysadmin to come look at “this weird problem I’m having”, but no. I’m using up sick days right and left, just lying around the house feeling sorry for myself. The other night I randomly burst into tears as I stood in the kitchen blowing my nose for, literally, the nine millionth time, and told JB that this virus has officially made me clinically depressed. Loss of interest in normal activities? Check. Feeling sad and hopeless? Check. Impaired thinking? Check. Fatigue? Check. Low self-esteem? Oh my god YOU try leaving the house with a face that looks like it went fifteen rounds with Mike Tyson and not feel bad about yourself. Fucking CHECK.

My husband, who I have spent many a blog entry poking fun at, has been a goddamned saint over the last few weeks, putting up with my near-constant whining, snotting, hacking, and general state of disrepair. He’s entertained Riley for hours on end while I’ve laid on the couch whimpering, he’s gone to the store for peppermint ice cream at 11 PM, he’s uncomplainingly moved to the guest bed in the middle of the night when my walrus-like snorings/gaspings hit 120 decibels. Saint.

And now I’ve complained to you for five paragraphs in a row. God, I’m sorry. Let’s move on to some festive holiday-related content!

santaletter.jpg

My mom gave me this a couple years ago, it’s a letter I wrote to Santa as a child—I like how I appear to be both greedy and (insincerely, probably) generous. I wonder if I got the pocketknife, I’m guessing that would a NO. Also, “Mad cop marathon game”?

And holy shit, check this out:

bad_santa.jpg

I hope that wasn’t the Santa I wrote to. Because that is the creepiest damn Santa I have ever seen, ever. Note how his eyes follow you, whispering how he’s going to sneak into your chimney on Christmas Eve and stab, stab, stab your whole family to death.

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Donna
Donna
14 years ago

I think it was madcap marathon game, and merlin, also a game.
Try this:
1 large can of creme of chicken soup
1 large can of chicken breast chunks
2 small cans of chopped green chili
2 tbs garlic powder
celery flakes
parsley flakes
1/2 tsp thyme
1 tsp cayenne pepper
salt and pepper to taste
Combine all of it, heat to boil, and eat with corn chips.
It will open you up and make you bullet proof for the rest of the winter, high in vitamin c and the spices make you feel all better.
It also is guaranteed to break a fever. I just had some and feel ever so much better. My entire family calls me when they have a cold to make some, it is famous.

Donna
Donna
14 years ago

Oh, and I wanted to say this about the santa thing.
When JonBenet Ramsey was killed, I had a whole theory of how it was done including the fact that the guy they got to play santa every year had a key to their house and would hide upstairs to surprise the kids by coming down the stairs, (he could have easily left the window open, or hell, he’d had the key to let himself in), then woken her up in the middle of the night to give her a special present, she’d have gone with him willingly, and then I found out later, that his daughter had written a book before the murder outlining a murder of a child just like what happened. Now that you are skeeved out, you’re welcome. I just don’t trust those santas.

Erica W.
Erica W.
14 years ago

I just saw this link on the PI Website: Study: Why Pregnant Women Don’t Topple and given some of the comments you’ve mentioned people have been making, thought you and other pregnant women might find it interesting. Except that they seem to think pregnant women find carrying all that weight relatively easy – perhaps you’d say differently?

Lesley
Lesley
14 years ago

That Santa looks like this guy from Prison Break. Yep, the one from the insane asylum.

Swistle
14 years ago

Oh my god, are you the cutest?? Yes you are!

That Santa, though, is, like, an 18-year-old boy.

I am sorry you are feeling so sucky. I always get sick when I’m pregnant, and I lie around thinking that I really understand now how people with various chronic illnesses decide to kill themselves.

trackback

[…] These son-of-a-bitch molars have caused some erratic night waking, but it’s difficult for us to assess the son-of-a-bitchdom because Wito’s crib sits right next the door. If we open that door, it’s all over. But what if the random moaning signals pain? What if his foot is stuck in the crib railing? What if some satanic looking Santa has crept into his room and is stab, stab, stabbing him? […]

Josh
Josh
14 years ago

Fuck that shit! Just imagine the worst x-mas you ever had, multiplied by five fucking thousand. I guarantee you, your x-mas memories were benign compared to the shit I dealt with every day. It was hell. I hate x-mas! I hate it!

Tessa
Tessa
14 years ago

I totally got the Western Barbie. She winked when you pushed a button on her back.

Hope you feel better soon…

manda
14 years ago

Seriously, that Santa in the photo is pretty hardcore.

julie Boyce
julie Boyce
14 years ago

Somehow, we lucked out with our kids and got the SAME Santa in all their pictures, for the past 10 years!! He is the twinkly blue-eyed Santa with his OWN beard and grandfatherly manner. However, your Santa… Lordie, lordie! He’s way too young and he has a distinctly predatory look about him – it’s so obvious it makes me wonder if he did it on purpose! I loved your Santa Letter. I remember getting a Velvet doll, anyone remember her? She had blonde hair and a hole in her head from which you could pull her pony tail to make her hair longer. Boy, I sure loved that damn doll. This year I’m asking for a potato peeler. I’m either wondering ‘what happened to me’? Or thinking geez, I’m awfully lucky if the only thing I want is a potato peeler! I think it’s the latter.

Take care Linda, when they say rest and take lots of fluids, that’s whatcha outta do. Oooh and do try the vicks on the feet and let us know how it works as I had also received that email and kind of wondered about it.

thejunebug
thejunebug
14 years ago

I think you meant Madcap Marathon?

http://www.tienmao.com/archives/002018.html

BAD SANTA! STAY AWAY!

Jennifer
14 years ago

i want to give you a hug and an ice cream. i know you feel miserable. hang in there!

this might cheer you up (if you haven’t seen it before) check out the Scared of Santa gallery:

http://tinyurl.com/2qefaz

mostly crying kids, but there are a few candidates for the old post office wanted posters in there too, if i recall.

ang
ang
14 years ago

I think someone needs to give Josh some Christmas nog. And a hug. Possibly even a mental evaluation because dude… if he heads into a mall, I’m leaving.

Linda I’m so sorry you are miserably ill. But, I deeply appreciate the fortitude you exhibit by still updating your blog. :-)

Also, I can’t believe your mom let you on that Santa’s lap. Frightening!!!

Joan
14 years ago

Poor Santa .. it looks like he had flashbulbs flashing in eyes all the dang day.

MB
MB
14 years ago

What is the “melin” you wanted? I think I have a picture with that Santa too! Sorry you’re not feeling well. I’m not pregnant (hell, I’m not even married! Not that you have to be to have kids but I’d prefer it that way.) but I’ve been sick since August with some sort of allergy/cold nonsense. I just got put on prednisone (steroid) because the doctors wouldn’t listen and kept giving me amoxicilin (more or less a fart in the wind). I’m still not well despite feeling like The Hulk and I was so happy to read your clinically depressed from this cold checklist because, hell yeah…me too! Hope we both get better soon.

andrea
14 years ago

Scariest Santa I’ve ever seen.

Hope you give the awful cold the beat down soon, you sound miserable!

Sue
Sue
14 years ago

I loved my Spirograph. I think I want one again. I wonder if they still make them.

Shannon
14 years ago

I’m so curious about the item on the left side of the list. “Small.” Small what?! I also like how you got all fancy with one of the X’s and gave it a serif-type font.

Elisette
14 years ago

What is a Melin?

Jessica
14 years ago

omg. I think he lives next door to me. Santa’s have come a LONG way since we were kids eh? That dude is just a pinafore away from a jail sentence…

Amber
14 years ago

That santa looks seriously cracked out, for sure. Sorry about your cold, *hugs*. Hope you feel better soon.

AZslick
AZslick
14 years ago

Hope you feel better!!. Maybe a movie made especially for you!!

“I Am Legend”. It has virus-crazed,flesh-eating zombies.

JAB
JAB
14 years ago

oh my gosh…that Santa picture is hilarious. No way would I let my little guys near that Santa.