I used to think people who complained about colds were . . . well, kind of wussy. Never again will I think such a thing. From here on out, the moment someone near me sneezes I will rush to their side, murmuring words of sympathy and offering my deepest, most heartfelt condolences. Well, after I douse my entire body with Purell, of course.

I’ve been sick for so goddamn long I can’t remember what it’s like to feel normal. On Monday my doctor gave me antibiotics (“These won’t actually shorten the length of your cold, but they might prevent additional bacterial infections”) and cough syrup with codeine (which does seem to help with the middle-of-the-night consumptive hacking fits, although it tastes like seventeen flavors of ass), and noted that my resting heart rate is a jolly 110 beats per minute, which probably means I AM DYING, or possibly just having to work extra, ridiculously hard to perform such strenuous activities as inhaling.

I assumed that once I actually complained to a medical professional the cold would instantly disappear, the same way your computer suddenly starts working perfectly the minute you summon a sysadmin to come look at “this weird problem I’m having”, but no. I’m using up sick days right and left, just lying around the house feeling sorry for myself. The other night I randomly burst into tears as I stood in the kitchen blowing my nose for, literally, the nine millionth time, and told JB that this virus has officially made me clinically depressed. Loss of interest in normal activities? Check. Feeling sad and hopeless? Check. Impaired thinking? Check. Fatigue? Check. Low self-esteem? Oh my god YOU try leaving the house with a face that looks like it went fifteen rounds with Mike Tyson and not feel bad about yourself. Fucking CHECK.

My husband, who I have spent many a blog entry poking fun at, has been a goddamned saint over the last few weeks, putting up with my near-constant whining, snotting, hacking, and general state of disrepair. He’s entertained Riley for hours on end while I’ve laid on the couch whimpering, he’s gone to the store for peppermint ice cream at 11 PM, he’s uncomplainingly moved to the guest bed in the middle of the night when my walrus-like snorings/gaspings hit 120 decibels. Saint.

And now I’ve complained to you for five paragraphs in a row. God, I’m sorry. Let’s move on to some festive holiday-related content!

santaletter.jpg

My mom gave me this a couple years ago, it’s a letter I wrote to Santa as a child—I like how I appear to be both greedy and (insincerely, probably) generous. I wonder if I got the pocketknife, I’m guessing that would a NO. Also, “Mad cop marathon game”?

And holy shit, check this out:

bad_santa.jpg

I hope that wasn’t the Santa I wrote to. Because that is the creepiest damn Santa I have ever seen, ever. Note how his eyes follow you, whispering how he’s going to sneak into your chimney on Christmas Eve and stab, stab, stab your whole family to death.

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JennB
14 years ago

Creepy santa!
Although the people that dress as easter bunnies creep me out more. You can’t even see their damn eyes.

Feel better soon. That shit ain’t right, you’re already in full-suffering-3rd trimester pregnancy angst. A cold is just insulting.

H
H
14 years ago

Hope you feel better soon.

Evil Santa.

Anais
Anais
14 years ago

Aaww. That letter you wrote was so sweet and cute.

Plus, you’re right. That Santa was super creepy. Yikes!

Hope your cold dies away soon.

Rumblelizard
Rumblelizard
14 years ago

That is one seriously Bad Santa who is a little too obviously plotting revenge. I’m surprised your mom didn’t grab you up and run screaming.

Jeanette
14 years ago

Uh..that Santa looks like he’s rather enjoying you sitting on his lap. Creepy. Your note is so cute, especially that P.S!

telegirl
telegirl
14 years ago

I love that letter! I didn’t think about that before but now I’m definitely going to ask for lists and keep them for my little guy when he gets older. I do hope you feel better soon… think of all the commute hours you aren’t suffering through to go from your home to Magnolia. THAT truly sucks ass!!

Kristen
Kristen
14 years ago

I hope you start feeling better soon!
That is the cutest picture, I love it! (You, not the creepy Santa.)

lee
lee
14 years ago

i hope JB gets you a beautiful “neckles” for xmas this year!

Jen
Jen
14 years ago

Oh dear god do I FEEL FOR YOU.

I think we’re about the same distance along in our pregnancies, and I’m suffering from the worst cold I’ve had in years. Except for some reason in England they don’t even want you to take so much as a throat lozenge for the pain.

As if that weren’t fun enough in itself, I’m also suffering the various side effects of taking daily iron supplements after being found borderline anemic. Google THAT party.

Leah
14 years ago

That Santa looks like the main character from the latest Coen Brothers movie. Hide your quarters!

Lawyerish
14 years ago

“Melin”? Were you asking for honeydew, or…? Hee.

My parents told me that when I was little and penned my annual letter on Christmas Eve (to be left out with the cookies and milk, plus a carrot for Rudolph, natch), I would always ask for some random thing I’d never mentioned before, and on Christmas Eve there was no way in hell they were going to go out and get me another present. So they’d have Santa write back something like he ran out of those, or that those particular toys only went to the “sort-of good children,” whereas whatever I got was reserved for the best little girls of all. I bought it every time.

That pedophile-looking Santa is going to haunt my dreams.

Amblus
14 years ago

Aw, you poor thing! I remember once when I was really sick for several weeks, sitting at the kitchen table and bawling because I thought I’d never feel good again. Of course, crying just made me more stuffy and snotty, so that really worked out well. DON’T CRY, LINDA. SANTA IS WATCHING.

Anyway, I sincerely hope you feel better soon.

hello insomnia
14 years ago

Awww Linda, you were adorable, weapon requests and all.

Trina
Trina
14 years ago

Holy crap that has got to be one of the creepiest Santas EVER!

Did you get the “Mickey Mouse Wach”?

She Likes Purple
14 years ago

I my gosh, I just laughed so hard at work I had to cover and say an author was being unusually funny today. Creepiest Santa I’ve ever seen.

FishyGirl
14 years ago

ew, that’s one creepy santa. You were cute, though. How old is that list? My 8 year old asked for a Rubik’s cube this year. Hope you got yours.

Christina
14 years ago

I like how there is an x next to practically everything!

Ohh, that is a freaky looking Santa! I have a photo of Santa where I actually look cute (I was like 3)and did not have my usual cold sore (I was sick A LOT as a kid). The only problem: this particular Santa “forgot” his white brows so he has noticeably brown brows which sort of ruins the photo all together (also I have on a plaid mid 60s hand me down skirt – I was born in 1973… uhh yeah…)

I hope you start to feel better soon… it sounds miserable.

Kimberly
Kimberly
14 years ago

I had to come for a laugh and I got one for sure at the picture and letter to Santa. Here in Missouri, I was out of power for three days and yesterday I was trying to close the garage door (which had no power) and crushed two fingers in the garage door. I didn’t cuss but only because I couldn’t say a word. One handed typing is fun.

ginger
ginger
14 years ago

Your Santa appears to be Paul Giamatti. So really, he’d be whispering in your ear about not drinking fucking Merlot.

Was “Melin” Merlin, the handheld game that looked like a telephone handset? I had one of those, and I think I was basically not allowed to play it if either of my parents was home, because the beeping was irritating.

lil foots mommy
14 years ago

oh my goodness..that’s hysterical. How funny though, I just wrote a post this morning about one of my Christmas lists that my mom kept in my photo album. It’s from 1986. I blathered on for 3 pages about the things I wanted for Christmas, most of which I didn’t get. And there were things on that list I had no idea what they even were…21 years later…so I put those items in eBay search and voila…presto…people were ebaying “Snugglebumms”! Who knew! teehee!!

victoria
victoria
14 years ago

God, I’m so sorry about the cold. That really, really sucks, especially on top of the general suckiness of pregnancy-related sinus swelling. Poor thing. I’m glad JB is taking good care of you.

kate
kate
14 years ago

The last few weeks of my last pregnancy were like that too- the worst cold of my life. My doctor told me the cold probably wouldn’t go away until I had the baby. HORROR!

That put me into try-to-have-the-baby-right-this-minute overdrive, and I was doing shots of castor oil and demanding daily applications of prostoglandin gel (if you know what I mean) from my poor good sport of a husband. Cue snorting, snotting, wheezing labor. And my poor little 3 month old STILL has that same damn cold she was born with. She sees me coming with the nose bulb and starts whimpering.

Banana
14 years ago

Oh, the creepy Santa. I have many a photo of young pink cheeked and blond pigtailed me on the lap of a crazy looking Santa. How do they get that job? Shouldn’t it be a requirement to NOT LOOK CRAZY?

Meggish
14 years ago

Not mad cop marathon! Madcap Marathon!

http://www.tienmao.com/archives/002018.html

Heck, I still want that game =]

P.S. Ginger is right, Santa is totally Paul Giamatti

wrcrygirl
14 years ago

I think maybe one of his probation requirements was Community Service, although I don’t think Creepy Santa was what they had in mind. How much you want to bet he’s got a fifth of Jack hidden in his beard?

Mary O
Mary O
14 years ago

Peppermint ice cream. Yum.
That is one seriously scary Santa.

wrcrygirl
14 years ago

Oh lookie, I spelled my own name wrong! Looks like the albuterol has kicked in…

lara
14 years ago

My god you were cute! And you still are – cold or not. Feel better soon.

warcrygirl
14 years ago

Crap, once again to fix my name. God I suck.

Eric's Mommy
14 years ago

Oh god, that santa looks like a serial killer!

jackie
jackie
14 years ago

sants looks like he might be very into little children. i’d feel better if i could see both his hands?

Kari
Kari
14 years ago

Not for nothing, but I have long had a suspicion of all Santas. I’m sure there are folks that just need the cash, as well as folks who genuinely enjoy kids, but I am leery of old men who want young kids to sit on their laps.

And I feel you on the cold. I am on week three and am still prone to out of control coughing fits that come out of nowhere and stifle your ability to simply breathe. I cannot imagine how much worse it would be if I were pregnant. I would worry I would accidentally push out the baby in a whacked out coughing fit.

Frank
14 years ago

That’s a cute picture of you with Santa and how nice was it that your Mom kept your letter to Santa all these years. Priceless.

whoorl
14 years ago

I caught a nasty death virus at the ER while pregnant and it lasted for 4 god-forsaken weeks. My doc finally put me on antibiotics towards the end and they helped tremendously. Hopefully, you will be back in the saddle VERY SOON.

p.s. – That Santa just ruined my Christmas.

anna
anna
14 years ago

Geez, and she let you sit on his knee…..

Erica
14 years ago

I love that you wanted “a neckles” for Christmas.

aoife
14 years ago

Two things:

Creepy ass santa. Bet his name is Chester. About half the mommies in my playgroup were bemoaning the fact that their kids are freakishly scared of Santa at the mall… There must be reason for this.

second… I remember one night from my pregnancy four+ years ago, crystal clear. I sat on my bed and cried, bawled really, about how I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired and congested, hack hack, honk honk. At that time, the husband was sympathetic…

kendra!
14 years ago

You are adorable and deserving of every Mad Cop Malibu Barbie Spirogyro pocket-knife wielding wish come true.

Bianca
Bianca
14 years ago

You just made my co-workers and I crack up for like 5 minutes with that last Santa picture and your fantastic observation. Thanks, Linda!

Jennifer
Jennifer
14 years ago

Have you had to combine your awful cold with your awful new commute? Or have your strategically-chosen sick-days kept you from that drive to Magnolia so far?

That Santa looks way too young to be a Santa. My childhood Santa photos always featured someone who looked like Grandpa. I even have a photo of a spectacled-Santa reading my Christmas list through his Santa-esque square wire-rimmed glasses.

Jem
Jem
14 years ago

The other day at the mall, we saw the most realistic looking Santa ever. Even my Dad, who would normally laugh at me saying such a thing, was overwhelmed. We were desperate to go sit on his lap. He had the sparkling blue eyes and everything.

In other news, I am SO sorry you are still sick! I know how you feel, ’cause I suffer from chronic year-round hayfever and I can’t tell when I have colds because there is no difference. None of the medicines the doctor has ever given me have ever made anything but a small difference, so I constantly live with a box of tissues and I wake up in the night unable to breathe. So I TOTALLY know how you feel in that regard, but not in the regard of being pregnant as well. I very very much hope you feel better soon!

(PS – I’ve heard if you have the flu (I know this is a cold, but anyway) eating a whole onion raw fixes it. I’ve never actually convinced anyone to try it though, although I guess if your nose is that blocked up, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between an onion and an apple!)

Leslie
Leslie
14 years ago

Something about Santa’s hand makes it look like he has six fingers. I’m thinking Count Rugen is moo.nlighting from his work in the Pit of Despair.

(I wanted a Spirograph so. bad. I finally got my sister to give me one just a couple of years ago.)

Dawn
Dawn
14 years ago

Okay that is by far the creepiest looking Santa ever.
Also I’m sorry you’re sick, that truly does suck. I just learned a new trick for when you have a cold. Put Vick’s vapo rub on the bottoms of your feet and then put socks on and go to bed, it stops the coughing for hours. We have been doing this for our girl the past few nights and it really does work and it’s supposedly works just as well for adults. Try it, it couldn’t hurt. You still won’t be able to breath but at least you won’t be coughing.

sooboo
sooboo
14 years ago

That JB sounds like an awesome teammate. Hope you feel better soon.

Joanne
14 years ago

It sucks to have a cold like that when you are pregnant because there’s just no fixing it. I am only in week two of my cold and my GOD I feel sorry for myself! I have gestational diabetes too, so no ice cream, which is making me really mad! So I feel for you and I hope you’re better soon. At this point, I am hoping for an early delivery rather than the cold getting better. :)

Matt
14 years ago

I hope you got the micrascope, that is a rare and valued piece of scientific machinery..:-)

Sunshyn
14 years ago

Every year, we go see the “really real Santa” — our therapy agency somehow conjures him up. We saw what appeared to be Santa and Mrs. Claus shopping at Sam’s Club the other day, also. I think they rode in on a Harley… Your Evil Santa, I thought at first I couldn’t see his other hand, but it just blends in with your dress. The Santa’s Union REQUIRES that both Santa’s hands be visible AT ALL TIMES these days, did you know that? Hope your cold finally disappears. I imagine you already have a secondary bacterial infection, and that’s why the doc gave you the antibiotics.

Kristen
14 years ago

Wow, that is a really creepy santa. I’m sorry you’re sick. I can’t really give you any tips on how to get better so… I hope you feel/get better soon! :)

*Katie
14 years ago

This is going to sound like an incredibly random question…which I’ll preface by saying I could have sworn you said that you lived in Michigan at one point in time…

Was this picture taken in a mall in south east Michigan? I could have sworn I have a picture with that same exact creepy santa…