It is SO okay to complain. It doesn’t mean you aren’t grateful for the good times when they’re happening. Look at it as fully appreciating the good and the bad parts about parenting. For every wonderful thing, there are ten crappy things that happen, sometimes in the same day. Bitch when you need to!

God Linda, I love reading your blog. You make me feel like I am not alone.

Man, patience is so not one of my virtues either. When Grommet was small it was somehow easier because a baby just doesn’t understand when we want him or her to do something; now that she’s two it’s the wilfull defiance I find sooo frustrating. Still, I have to admit that I’ve found some patience reserves I didn’t know I had. They’re not deep, but they’re there at least, and I feel a bit better about myself for having discovered them.

Don’t forget that you’ve just gone back to work. Hello, stress! I know for me, when I went back after our twins were born, it felt that not only did I have less time in the day, but the little “me time” that I had was now extra precious. Most nights, the girls go to bed and stay asleep. DH and I get to lounge in front of the TV and/or PC (what, exercise?? yuck.) And there are nights like last night where BabyA has gas pains or whatever the heck and can’t sleep and needs rocking and patting but doesn’t want it and cries on and off for hours til it’s our bedtime. I feel shortchanged on nights like that.

So go ahead and complain when you need to. Sneak in as much you time as you can. If you ask for support or even moral support, be forewarned you may not get what you were hoping for. But in the end? Remind yourself you’re doing a GREAT job. This mothering thing is hard! (as you well know)

You are very self aware and sorta hard on yourself as you do have a lot to juggle. I have patience issues too (and I don’t even have one kid). In my experience, a 10 minute, daily breathing meditation goes a long way to being able to placate yourself during difficult moments. I know, one more thing to do, but it does help.

You say it so well — all the things I feel, and have felt, while raising two children.

Thank you for sharing with us.

I just had this same conversation with a friend today. It does seem so wrong that I can have a completely great day, but the smallest inconsistency in routine (i.e. NO ONE IS SLEEPING WHEN THEY SHOULD BE SLEEPING) makes me want to throw myself off the roof. I, too, wonder why I don’t have reserve patience on those days, but I just never do, no matter how good I had it the rest of the day.

Oh yes, yes and YES! Could not agree with you more emphatically if was actually thinking those thoughts myself. Which I am. About five minutes ruining everything, and feeling insulted by the one person who is supposed to be your biggest supporter, and not wanting to screw up the most important unsupervised job on the planet, feeling lucky and miserable inside of 60 seconds. I know EXACTLY how you feel, not exaggerating.

Hi Linda,

I am so with you on this one. Sometimes I feel guilty when I get so cranky at my husband and my child. It’s rather frustrating when I can’t do what I’d like to do at the end of the day, like meditation in the evening. There’s always too much stimulation around.

I love this entry. I can completely relate to this. You’re doing a great job. That’s what being a Mommy is.

P.S. You look great. :)

Boy, I can relate to the “my time” thing. That is the biggest frustration I have with being a working parent, that I want to cram 6 million things into the two good hours I have after the kids go to bed. It’s never enough time. And the weekends, I’m pretty bad about those too. I seethe when I get over-scheduled with obligations not of my own choosing. I haven’t yet settled into that mentality of “this is just how life is now”, even though I know I need to.

I SO have the contradictory feelings that you always describe so clearly. Keep doing that…and know that you are not even close to being alone. We’re all much better parents than we think we are, I’m guessing (or hoping?).

And I feel like a very very shitty wife, because I would STILL be calling my husband Very Bad Names and thinking Very Nasty Thoughts about him for not placating me in that situation…rather than being rational and understanding the way you are.

oh no no no no no. We all know you know your life is good. Motherhood is fucking hard. I often feel I’m not cut out for it too. And I love my kids so much it makes me lightheaded sometimes.

Your blog makes me feel so normal. Like being a mother doesn’t mean I also have to be a saint. I keep telling myself that I can’t do it all, I just have to love my kids and hope I don’t fuck it up.

1. >>>

2. I know exactly what you mean!! Is it hormonal? Do guys feel this way as dads? Is there a yoga breathing stretching thing you can do? (me? i put everone in time out in seperate rooms and go outside to the bench swing with a glass of ice tea for a couple of minutes to reboot).

I had one of those days today with my four year old who just would not listen to a single thing I told her and she kept running from us at the store and made grocery shopping an all around hellish event. I’m glad I’m not the only one going through the crappy moments and finding it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, even though I know it’s there. Somewhere.

It’s ok to express frustration and yes, the kids take over every second of your life if there’s no one else around to distract them because that’s what kids do. It’s not easy and nobody has that much patience. I’m sure JB has moments of frustration, too. Hint: if he doesn’t, the load isn’t evenly distributed. :)

You’re NORMAL.

I’m not a mom yet, but I want to be one someday in the not-terribly-distant-future, and I have to say that it’s entries like this that make me think I can do it.

Yes, it seems really hard, but underneath it all the message I am getting is that you aren’t a perfect person but you’re still doing it, and you’re doing it well.

Gives us shlubs some hope.

Right now my nine year old is upstairs alternately stomping/yelling/throwing things and crying/wailing after having been sent to bed AN HOUR AGO. I am so fed up with her right now that I have retreated to my husband’s basement office and am completely ignoring her. I can’t tell you what a relief it was to read this and be reminded that I am not alone.

As the mother of a soon to be 14 year old, I will put in my 2 cents. (for what it’s worth)

Men don’t get it, because they do not have the pressure that women do. They just don’t. I don’t care if they are the primary caregiver or what, they don’t have the expectations put on them that women have to deal with. So when JB said what he did, I don’t think he realized how devastating a statement that might be, he was probably just thinking at the moment, well yeah, you are complaining, and I am agreeing.

You need your free time, and it is scarce and if you are anything like me, you might be pissed about it. Yet, somehow it seems to be a crime to acknowledge it.

You are doing a good job, but no one is going to give you a good job evaluation. No one is perfect, but I KNOW that to you, your kids come first, or you wouldn’t be feeling the lack of “me” time. We have all been there, you see by your comments how much people appreciate your honesty.

I sit here, tears brimming my tired eyes and nodding, feeling like you are in my head. Today was The Worst Day Ever ™ (even though I probably said that twice last week, and at least once the week before) and I kept saying I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE. And wishing my old life back, wishing that the biggest thing I had to worry about was if I bothered to straighten my hair before work or just let it go wild instead of how the hell I’d fill the next 12 hours with a 2 1/2 and 1 year old.

I just put them to bed. And you’re right. This is what I signed up for and really – for the most part: life is good. This is what I always wanted, I guess I just didn’t realize how much of me I’d have to sacrifice to give to them. On most days I’d tell you that I’d do it again in a heartbeat. Just don’t ask me today.

Thank you, Linda. Yet again, I needed to read this from you.

Oh YES you are totally normal and so are the rest of us! Whew! If motherhood was 100% easy, 100% of the time it wouldn’t be real life, it would be someones’ dream. Seriously. You are a great mom!
And I bet you JB feels as anxious about messing up the kids as you do — he is just a guy and doesn’t show it the way we do — they usually point out our faults (mirroring whatever they feel crappy about themselves over). At least, that has been my experience.
You look incredible, by the way, and your little one looks so much like his big brother!

Linda, don’t sweat it. You are a wonderful mum by the sounds and looks of it all. I often have days like that with my 11/2 yr old daughter with tears and everything! But hey, tomorrow is a new day and then you’l think ‘What was I thinking? I rock at this mother-jobby! THe kids are great, the house is clean, my life is great!’

There are just good days and bad days that’s all.

You are fab, and the mum role is hard so don’t be too hard on yourself.

Linda,

I just spent the last three hours crying about how my 20-month old son has suddenly forgotten how to sleep, and how spending all night in his room trying to get him to sleep is wrecking my work-from-home-at-night plans.

It is just so easy to spiral into the bad place.

I so so get it. Reading your blog tonight (after the crying jag finally ended) really helped me remember that we’re not alone in this roller coaster, and that tomorrow is another day. I’m hoping that tomorrow is sunny and filled with lovely, non-crying, non-barfing, beautiful kids for you!

Carrie

So needed that. I felt like I’d hit several walls today at home. Just that feeling of “oh, dear Lord. I. can’t. do. this. until. naptime.”

I could never say it as well as either of you, but I was reminded of the tagline (or whatever it’s called) at the top of Swistle’s blog:

I acknowledge my luckiness, without giving up my claim to the suckiness

Yes, Yes, Yes – so true. It all rings so true.

Oh WORD. My fourth month old had a serious case of the wake up every hour on the hour last week and I was about six inches from ritual suicide. And I realized that the first thing to go for J and I was being kind to each other. It’s just so very hard to do it all and I know that I feel like I am holding it together with scotch tape and chewing gum sometimes. And I only have one.

I am so, so, so glad I’m not alone. (Also, is it ok if I link to somebody else’s blog? Yours and hers are my two faves. I like the image of “the shawl of motherly patience”: http://wondertime.go.com/parent-to-parent/blogs/catherine-newman-blog/06022008.html )

Not to be redundant as everyone else has stated this already, but you are completely normal in your feelings, and because you recognize both the good and the bad, that makes you a good mom. It is so very, very hard not to be bitter/resentful when you can’t have even the tiniest bit of downtime without having one or more children screwing with it. I think any mom here gets it and completely sympathizes with you, and hopefully the dads do as well. On the particularly bad days I tend to rely on what my grandmother (she of the 8 children) used as a mantra: This too shall pass. Simple, but sometimes it gives you a chance to take a deep breath and step back and realize that the kid(s) will soon be back to normal and the good times will come around again.

Jenn, thank you for linking to that. I love Catherine Newman SO MUCH and that entry is just wonderful and perfect.

OMG, the photo of macho man and munchkin is PERFECTION!

Carol

Oh Linda, how I’ve been there!!! I have recently gotten into the show Jon & Kate plus 8, and all I think is, my day may be bad but at least I don’t have 8 kid’s!! :)

Bitterly smiling in recognition and solidarity of your emotions. And also tearing up a little.

The weird thing about me is that I AM patient, in other areas of my life. At work, with my husband. So WHY OH WHY do I go from zero to FUCKTHISSHIT in 5.2 when it comes to my kid?

I enjoyed this. Me too, man. Me too.

I by no means want to diminish the post above. I think it takes more guts than most women have to admit ALL your feelings of motherhood, even the “ugly”. But I have a burning question ….

I know I could probably search through your blog and find out, but I’m lazy, so any chance you want to inform me one more time what the name of the yoga DVD you do is?!

Thanks! =)

I am right there with you. I keep reminding myself that I don’t need to be perfect at this job 100% of the time, and that I just need to take a deep breath and start again. It’s hard, because you feel like your kid deserves the very best, and I am constantly trying so hard to be the mother my son deserves. I hope that in the end, he’ll remember the constant trying and the love, and forget about the tantrumy moments when I declare he’s never getting solid food again and I guess I’ll just have to go to college with him to breastfeed him, since he’s so uninterested in real food.

It’s human nature to be selfish and it’s so very important for moms to have some selfish time to recharge themselves. I have to constantly remind myself that if I don’t take care of MY needs first, I can’t be a good mama to everyone else.

But it’s hard. And it’s hard when you don’t get validated.

It’s OK to complain. It’s OK to sometimes hate parenting. We know your heart is in the right place.

Saturday, over breakfast, my son and husband were discussing something and the Boy says, “Isn’t that exciting?” My husbands response: “Son, I haven’t been excited in 17 years.” Which was a number he pulled out of the air and just happened to be the equal to the number of years we were married. He’s still apologizing.

It’s okay to feel like you can’t do it all, sometimes. But those pictures are evidence that you will get through it.

Some personal space is SO important. I know I feel like a better parent, and much more patient, if I can just get one freaking hour to myself every day. Sadly, my kid ain’t having it and screams at me from her crib after throwing her books wildly at the floor. I get so sad that even though bedtime is 8:30, I’m not done. I have to keep going in and calming her down, and clean up her mess in the rest of the house, until I’m ready to drop myself.

On the days she just goes to sleep, I can collect my patience and ready it for the next day. With two, I can imagine it takes twice the time to collect that patience. It trickles out all day.

I think if JB truly thought you didn’t have the patience, he would not have, you know, chosen you and stayed with you and loved you to death. It’s rough, when kids are little — just flat-out rough, and sensitivity kind of falls by the wayside sometimes. (Like the time my husband told me, three weeks after I had our son, that I was indeed looking a little pudgy, yes! And maybe starting to exercise would be a good idea! Lovely.)

You’re doing just fine. Wonderful, even. It’s just hard, on occasion, but that passes.

This is when I retreat to Starbucks. It’s like yoga… with its healing qualities and what not.

LOVE the father-son muscle pic.

Thank you so much for posting this. You captured how I have been feeling so well. A thousand thank yous for letting me know I am not alone.

The honesty with which you write about parenting is one of the reasons that I love your blog so much. Yeah, you signed up for this… but that doesn’t mean you have to (or should, even) love every moment of every tantrum and sleepless night.

The pictures, as always, are priceless.

Feeling SUCH a kinship to you right now. Sometimes complaining about the stresses of motherhood feels like bitching about an ex-boyfriend that you later get back together with and hope that your friends will forget all the nasty things you said. We all feel them sometimes though, and like others have said, so nice not to feel alone.

In my life before kids I was a recreational triathlete, marathon runner, volleyball player and general fitness nut. Spending 3 hours at the gym on a saturday and sunday was my idea of paradise. I now have two beautiful daughters (born in 2005 & 2007). I find it laughable now that before I had kids I used to freak out if my nightly workout ritual was disturbed for some reason (like work or social committment). So I completely understand that feeling of frustration and resentment when your workout is pre-empted, or cut short (others can substitute ‘workout’ for their me-time of choice, if the workout is not their drug). I still love to work out and I am envious of your dedication to fitness on a daily basis, but for me the biggest savior to my sanity and patience was to ‘surrender’. If the kids are cranky, not sleeping, sick or whatever and I can’t get to my workout, I take a deep breath and let it go and resolve to try again tomorrow. This uber-needy time of the toddler/infant phase is temporary and I know I will get back on my bike again and in the interim I can just be in the moment and enjoy my kids instead of focusing on what I”m missing. It’s done wonders for my patience.

Thank you (again), for saying what I have thought and felt so many times. You summed up a whole galaxy of emotions in a couple of sentences, and somehow made the swirl in my head a linear thought. Thank you, you’re awesome.

My husband once said he didn’t think I had the mental health stamina to have a second child and that has stayed with me ever since. He also pointed out that I buy gentle parenting books, but them am not a gentle parent. I said I have to learn how to be a gentle parent, I aspire to gentle parenting, but my gut instinct is to be a yeller and a swatter of behinds. I don’t swat, spank, or hit but that doesn’t mean the impulse isn’t there. Perhaps next time we could have a child when I have some resources to keep on top of my mental health instead of moving to a place where I don’t know anyone, with no money, and only getting to leave the house about once a week.

Oh wait, was this about you and not me? Your children are supa cute. I understand you want time to yourself – oh do I understand.

You and Catherine, choking me up in the same week. But word, to both of you. It’s SO true- I want to do this job right, because at the end of the day, it’s the only one that matters. But it’s so HARD to be a “good mom” all the time, or even PART of the time. Not that our kids want or even need perfection out of us, but I want to be able to say I did my best. Only sometimes, as the words are coming out of my mouth, or the deep sighs or whatev., I know that THIS is not my best….

I complain on a regular basis…we’re allowed. Our job is (one of) the HARDEST jobs on the planet!!! But it does have the best rewards!