Jan
14
I have received several emails in the last month that all touch on the same topic, which is whether or not I’ve mentioned why I don’t drink. If you’ve been reading for a longish time, you know at least part of my story, although obviously I haven’t detailed every last sordid part of the tale here.
For those of you who have joined more recently, the short answer is this: I don’t drink because I was, or I suppose the correct term is am, an alcoholic. I spent years of my life drinking on a regular basis. Drinking for the specific purpose of getting drunk, for the most part. I never could have one glass of wine and I still can’t wrap my head around the concept that there are people in the world who can. You mean you don’t finish the glass and have another and another and empty the bottle then switch to mixed drinks and eventually wake up with a vicious, soul-destroying hangover, the only coherent thought in your head something along the lines of oh my god this sucks when can I have another drink? Huh. What’s that like.
Somewhere around 2003 things got downright pathological, and I was drinking a lot of straight vodka from bottles I’d hidden around the house. On a day in 2004 I started drinking in the morning, was drunk at work and made a complete ass of myself, and got a DUI when I drove home. I’d say that night was my rock bottom, but actually, it was probably the 24 hours I had to spend in jail several months later, as part of my sentence.
The DUI was a horrifying, shameful, endless (so many, many months of court appearances, fines, and court-ordered classes) wakeup call, and I stopped. I’d guess even that wouldn’t have kept me from drinking for too long, but then I was pregnant. And the months went by with no drinking and life became a thousand times richer and more real than it had ever been when viewed through the haze, and I was free from the self-loathing, the sickness, the endless cycle of when am I going to have that next drink, and while I can’t say there haven’t been a million times when I wished I could have a nice relaxing beer or something I know it’s never just one. Never.
People have sometimes asked me how I knew I had a problem and I don’t quite know how to answer. I always knew I had a problem, I guess, and in the last years before I quit it had become this terrible, hellish treadmill I thought I’d be trapped on forever. It was something a little more than a problem at that point, really.
There’s a great line in Anne Lamott’s Operating Instructions where she talks about wanting a drink when her baby is first born, just one to help with the stress of it all. And she says something about how she knows, though, that if she did go to the liquor store to buy the bottle for that one drink, she may as well put her baby on the counter along with her money, because if she has the drink, she’ll lose it all.
So there it is, the Reader’s Digest version of why I don’t drink. I own the mistakes I’ve made and I continue to think about them and deal with them, and I’ll tell you, as nervous as it makes me to confess all this to you, I can’t think of a reason why I shouldn’t.
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Thanks for sharing-I know it doesn’t get easier.
my husband is a fourth generation (at least) addict – while his drug of choice was meth, his mother’s was alcohol. and after 10 years sober AND becoming an addictions counselor, she picked right back up where she started. She was drunk for her son’s childhood, and is spending her grandaughter’s the same way…i know she doesn’t think of it this way, but she is paying for her wine with the right to see her grandbabies. I suppose the good thing is my husband is reminded constantly that the addiction never stops.
So…you are right, I guess is what I am saying. It doesn’t stop at one, ever. Kudos to you for knowing that, and doing something about it.
Linda, I applaud your honesty. I stopped drinking shortly after college. All through high school I binged. college was a little more difficult because I was paying my own way. So I finally just gave it up altogether. I come from a long line of alcoholics. I just can’t do anything in moderation. Some days I do miss being able to have just one, but it never is. Thanks for being so honest and real.
Linda, you’re the jam. Thanks for sharing. As the daughter of an alcoholic in denial and the sister of an alcoholic in recovery (she got a DUI, too), it’s an issue that’s close to home.
I feel a bit creepy-stalkerish having come out of the shadows to comment here & at Bodies In Motivation lately. You’re just a great person, your writing makes my day, and, well, THANKS.
Thank you for your honesty. As someone who struggles to keep it to “just one or two”, it helps to read your blog and the comments. It’s also a great (albeit a little scary!) reminder that the batshit crazy stuff you come up with is done stone-cold sober and a person doesn’t have to down a half-dozen cocktails to be entertaining and garner the adoration of others.
I’m so glad you shared this. I’m in the midst of my own endless shameful horrifying rock bottom phase for something similar (money, not alcohol) and it is so helpful to know that you are on the other side of all that, and someday I will be too.
Hi Linda,
I do want to thank you for sharing your joys, sorrows and triumphs of the day to day. I read often and love the honesty.
My folks were heavy drinkers growing up. I lost my Mom several years ago to cancer. It was brought on, partly, by her many years of drinking. She’s been gone for several years and I still haven’t quite forgiven her for many things. Mostly I can’t forgive that growing up they placed partying before us almost every time. This makes me not drink, but it also makes me not really want to have kids for fear of f-ing them up somehow.
Mostly I want to say thanks for checking yourself before you had kids your family is MUCH better off because of it. Keep calm and keep strong. You are doing an awesome job. Thanks for sharing.
One of my favorite bits is from Elizabeth Berg……she writes, “I think, actually, that none of us understands anyone else very well, because we’re all too shy to show what matters most. If you ask me, it’s a major design flaw. We ought to be able to say, Here, look what I am.” Thank you for sharing who you are.
Beautifully and courageously written!
(I feel this way about food. Which is legal, so there’s not much of a deterrent.)
Thank you for sharing your story. You are truly brave and inspiring.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are truly brave and inspiring.
On some level, I wonder if all with an addiction somehow know there is a problem. Just a matter of how in touch you are with that sentiment and how willing (deny?) you are to change it. I always knew I had an eating disorder, even before I started throwing up and over-exercising. I knew eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream and a dozen cookies wasn’t normal (in one sitting). But I didn’t care. Then, once I started actually purging, it was even more apparent I had a problem. And it took 3 years before I stood up one day and said, I can’t do this anymore. I’m done, I need help, I want to start. Then the real hard work began…
delurking to say good for you. my dad is an alcoholic who hasn’t had a drink in over 19 years now. sometimes i wonder if i am as well.
You ARE an f-ing rock star.
Before I go back to lurking, I will say that though I haven’t lived with him for years, I still pray that my dad WILL get arrested, will get caught, so he will get help. Right now, he won’t even admit he has a problem. Thank you for not putting your kids through that hell.
There is nothing to be ashamed abot living your life healthy.I’m new to this not drinking thing about 81ish days and it has been the hardest but happiest thing I have done in my 41 years of being in this thing called life.I hope I can keep it up Your a postive person to read to know that life can be great with out the stupid juice. Thanks for sharing
As a PP mentioned, thank you for giving the alcoholic’s perspective. I don’t think I’ve ever seen it written so beautifuly. You have an amazing voice. I suspected there was a “dark and mysterious” past just based on some comments you’ve made, but as a newbie I had no idea it was this. Go awesome you and congratulations on gaining the perspective and insight (and strength) to overcome!
Keep up the good work, girl. Beautiful post. Although it’s hard to reveal the dark days of the past, I bet it’s theraputic to write about it. I like that you said you “own” your mistakes. I think that is so critical to recover and move on from any kind of addiction. Thank you for sharing with us.
I love your honesty and your strength Linda, and believe me when I say that you are such an inspiration – in more ways than I can count.
I’m proud of you.
You are so strong, and what an amazing story of finding a happier life. And having the courage to do it, for yourself and your kids. All I can say is, you rock.
Being open and honest about your experiences undoubtedly reduces the stigma for others of acknowledging an alcohol problem and getting help. As the daughter of alcoholic parents (one sober for almost 14 years, the other still drinking about a half bottle of Jack a night), thank you. Your children are so blessed not to have to grow up in that environment.
Thank you for sharing.
You are an amazing woman and I SO enjoy your blog. Thanks for sharing your story. It exhibits amazing courage.
Every time you tell your story, whether it’s the long version or the short, I shed tears. And I don’t know if it’s the honesty, my appreciation of your strength, the courage and love that you and J.B. exhibited to get through it all or just damn good writing. . . . gotta go and get rid of this lump in my throat.
I usually read without noting, but I just wanted to say how much I admire you for sharing so much of your life — whether it’s the day-to-day stuff or the soul-baring stuff like today. I always love to read you, whether you’re being laugh-out-loud funny or completely serious. Thanks.
Thank you. You are one of the people I admire and learn from, never even having met you. You are so strong, so positive. And this post is a striking example of the way you own your life, the good and the difficult.
Your honesty is so refreshing! I love your blog and read it everyday!
I find your honesty inspiring, frankly. I can only imagine the incredibly positive impact it must already and will continue to have on your Boys. What an astonishingly real, connected, open human being you are.
Your honesty makes me want to take a good long look at myself and shed the denial that cloaks a particular issue (a true need to lose weight, a need to more fully deal with the abuse I believe triggered the weight gain) I’ve circled for YEARS. I need to for me, for my husband, our baby girl Josephine so my life, & therefore our life, is lived more fully, so Josephine has a fit, healthy, PRESENT Mummy. Not as a vanity issue (not that there is anything at all wrong with wanting to look as well as feel kick-arse), but as a critical health issue. You inspire me to be brave.
(Also, an earlier reader was worried you may think they were stalkery for showing up so often on your site within an hour? That made me worry about the same thing: your site is the only one I have bookmarked in my favourites, so I come back here to click over, from your links, to Dooce & Swistle & BethFish & Finslippy & SweetSalty Kate & … the list goes on. So, if you ever think “what in crikeyfuck is that Aussie doing here AGAIN?!”, that’s what :)).
Bravo! You are an incredibly powerful person and influence. Thank you.
I’m married to an alcoholic – I was too naive to know what to look for before I married him and realized too late he has been for years. He’s not someone I’d have dated let alone married had I known the truth about him. I’ve told him when he hands his debit card over at the liquor store he’s also paying with his health, his life, his marriage. It’s a choice he makes every day, and fights for the right to continue making it.
We choose our fights, and this is no longer one I’m willing to do battle with. As soon as my ducks are lined up, I’m outta here. He’d love to suck me under with him. Shudder.
You go girl. You’re awesome in your authenticity. I admire you more than I can say.
I want to know how you are able to be so honest with and about yourself here. It is remarkable, and I’m wondering how you do it because I’d like to be that brave.
Also, I saw Edward James Olmos and Mary McDonnell on The View this morning and it got me so psyched for Friday night! I think their characters’ plot arc on BSG is the best depiction of a middle-aged romance on TV. Not that there’s much competition.
Gah, the “only one” I have bookmarked as in the only parenting blog not as in the ONLY site overall. Jesus H TubThumping Christ.
I’ve been reading since 2002 and feel weird that I’m *proud* of a stranger, but I am! Your life is so ever-glowing–all due to the changes you yourself have made.
Also, I have a printout of the post you wrote about the whole DUI experience in the visor of my car…’nuff said.
Feels good, doesn’t it? Swap a few details and my story is about the same. My kids are about the same age as yours, too, which makes me know what you’re talking about that much more.
I’m curious – what did JB think about all of it? The before and the after?
This is an incredible post. Thank you.
Jumping in late here, but props for your honesty. It takes a lot of guts–and strength–to be this open. I don’t know if I could do it. I mean, I write a blog where I am very open about what it’s like to handle a child who has cerebral palsy, but I am not blogging about my past, just the realities of my present. Thanks for being an inspiration.
You just helped me.
Linda,
Your bravery and honesty are amazing. I know you inspire me in many ways and I’m sure you have inspired many more with this post. Thank you for being so candid and sharing your awesome writing
i have been telling you this since the d-land days, but you rock.
it IS an act of bravery to talk about something like this, and while i don’t think it’s necessarily anyone’s business, i do think that by sharing it, you’re helping a lot of people with a hidden disease, a secret. and might help them realize their potential or how to help or to talk about it too. it helps people realize that alcoholism isn’t a mark of bad character, it’s a disease that happens to really great people, too.
and it takes major ovaries to commit to kick a habit.
YOU ARE THE BEST !
I love how you write. You’ve sent chills down my spine. Keep up the good work. I’m so proud of you Linda.
Just when I thought I couldn’t admire you more…
It’s an honor to be able to read your blog; to be entertained, humbled, humored, inspired, and touched on a regular basis. For the longest time as I was so happy to read about your recovery, I was also deeply wishing that my mom would begin her own. I would read of your triumphs and revel in them, and wish on my last ounce of strength that somehow she would also find her way. In some way, you helped me continue to believe it was possible.
This last year she hit her own bottom, and long-story-short, it involved adding vicodin, muscle relaxers, and anti-inflamatory drugs to her daily alcohol use, and I stepped in to rattle her loose of the grasp of denial that was leading her down a very dark road. I made a not-so-welcomed visit with her to the doctor who had prescribed the meds (he didn’t know about her drinking problem), and she stopped. She’s been in AA since, and has turned her life around, and has reclaimed her life.
For years I’ve waited for this time to come, and you were a silent source of strength during that time, and such a source of inspiration. You made me believe, then and now, that anything is possible. And I, along with so many other here, am humbled by your courage, strenth, honesty, and candor.
I myself have never been much of a drinker, and have always been pressured to partake in it; my _not_ being a big drinker ended one of my last relationships, which is complete insanity to me. We definitely live in a society that promotes it beyond reason. Life is fuller without it, and you and so many others are proof of that.
FUCK! you are amazing and courageous. Thank you for sharing this with us.
xo
Everything about you is made of win. Just hope you know that on the bad days, because you really are.
Thank you. Just…..thank you. My mom is a recovering alcoholic, who unfortunately didn’t hit the bottom until she had a stroke almost two years ago (brought on largely by the alcohol). This was after years of ‘incidences’ and hospitalizations and losing her license, etc and so on and so forth. It’s amazing that we didn’t lose her earlier, and it’s amazing that the stroke didn’t end it entirely. Even the doctors were amazed.
While it still upsets me all of the things she missed in my life (ie, college graduation), I’m happy that she is now back with us as a whole person. It’s a relief for me, my dad, and the rest of the family. No more walking on eggshells, no more misplaced guilt, and no more self-pitying phone calls from her.
Thanks for your honesty, your courage to overcome this, and for sharing your life with us…..it helps more than you could ever know.
I’ve been around long enough that I knew this story already, though I still think it’s brave of you to continue to write about it when you could have just sent the nosy people a link to your old entries.
My father drank himself to death in an SRO in Boston 14 years ago. I had not spoken to him in 5 years before that. He had a son he never told us about (our brother who found us — so at least that part of our lives has a happy ending). Alcohol kills so many parts of our lives, for generations. My son got a DUI last fall and doesn’t understand why it upsets me so, bc he never met his grandfather.
Like others before me have said so elequently, I applaud your honesty here and wish you all the best in the future. Every day is a hurdle that you overcome every night.
This is one of the many reasons why I love you. Your honesty. Your bravery. I had/have a drinking problem. I’ve never had a DUI, but I’m surprised that I didn’t get one. I used to drink and drive quite a bit. (Once even pulled over by a police for a brake light that was out, after drinking a few beers. I don’t know how he didn’t smell the beer on my breath. I was scared to death and tried my best to act “normal” and speak clearly.) I decided to stop drinking last year. I have two beautiful kids and they are more than enough reason for me to want to stop. They deserve so much more than the person I was before. Thank you for being so open and sharing your story with all of us. You are an inspiration.
And now I admire you even more than I already did.
It’s incredibly brave of you to share this, and I’m grateful you have. I’ve been reading you for a while and every time I come across a post on your drinking, it makes me take an honest look at my own, even though I am sometimes one of those people who can stop at one.
So just wanted to say thanks, and I think you’re totally awesome for quitting drinking and baring you soul to us about it.
Here’s another loyal reader who knew this about you already. I must say, and I don’t want it to come off as condescending, that I am so proud of you and that I am so happy to see how much you value everything you have now and how far you’ve come. Too many people these days take things for granted. You are an inspiration and a blessing.
(Hugs)
I’ve been reading a couple months, not exactly sure how long, but I didn’t know you don’t drink. I almost never comment, but I want to add my voice to the chorus and thank you for sharing. I’m sure your path wasn’t easy, and your choices difficult, but I look at the place you’re in now and I applaud!
As the child of an alcoholic parent, I applaud you not putting your children through the trainwreck alcoholism can be. I wasn’t traumatized by my alcoholic father. For the most part he was a humorous drunk, but still a drunk. He never hurt my mom or my sister and I, but there were dark nights sometimes when he threatened to hurt himself. That would have been horrible, and sometimes I felt the ground shifting precariously beneath my feet, though if you’d asked, I wouldn’t have been able to pinpoint why or even what the feeling actually was, since I was only about 5 or so when I started realizing that Daddy wasn’t just acting funny for laughs.
He’s recovered now, and has been since I was 8, and the years since have been much nicer. I don’t worry about losing him they way I once did.
I have been reading your blog long enough to know this about you already, and yet every time you bring it up, I’m still awed by your honesty, and I’m fiercely proud of the life you’ve resurrected. Your fresh perspective and honest down-to-earthiness is one of the reasons you’re my favorite blogger and your bravery writing about coming out on the other side of a horrible time like that teaches so many people. Thank you.
I love when you talk about this. I can’t put my finger on what it is about the way you describe things, but I always feel like I come away with a better understanding of ALL addictions and what they’re like.