The guy who passes you in the other direction sprinting towards the finish when you’ve still got like a mile before the turning-around point and later you discover he finished the race in 15 minutes flat? Screw that guy. He probably runs all the time and he’s super annoying about it, like I bet he does those ostentatious look-at-me leg stretches during meetings and when someone finally reluctantly asks him what’s up he’s all, “Duuuude, ran an ultra this weekend. Just trying to limber up before I race a live cheetah this afternoon, brah.”

Don’t get too cocky when you actually feel pretty good at the start of the race, because guess what, bitch? You’ve got THIRTY MINUTES TO GO.

Sure, some people have fancy sports-specific earbuds that are meant for running, but how many people have made ingenious use of a metal binder clip in order to keep the cord from bouncing all over the place? Yeah, that’s right. Can’t touch this.

If, at the 1.5-mile-mark, you are struck breathless with a miserable side cramp, I suggest adopting a sort of Quasimodo-like hunched-over shuffle where you basically look like the victim of a sniper with bad aim. Move along at the fastest pace you are capable of, which will be slightly detectable by the naked eye but is best captured via slow shutter speed. It helps if you peel your lips all the way back while grimacing in pain, because that way any passing insects will get trapped in your teeth and potentially provide you with a quick energy boost.

Never mind the septuagenarians who finished many minutes before you and are lazing around the finish line eating free bananas while you are openly weeping at the sign reading “2 MILES”. Perhaps once you get there you can vomit on their orthopedic shoes.

When the going gets tough, try lowering your gaze to the ground and focus on—oh look! Eighty million billion little splotches of moist phlegmy saliva, spat there by 600 runners in front of you. On second thought, look straight up.

Brrrrrrt! What? Oh, say, you know what was mmmmmaybe not such a great idea? The bran cereal you had at breakfast.

Almost there . . . almost there . . . just a few more yards . . . holy fuck, YOU DID IT. WOOOOOO! ALL RIGHT! So is there a trophy? A ribbon? A cash reward? . . . no? Just . . . your name on a hastily-printed piece of 8.5×11 paper, over there on that board? Hmm, okay, fine, well at least you got this free t-shirt, which you optimistically asked for in a size small, and . . . yeah, wow, that SO doesn’t fit.

Hey, there’s Mr. 15-minute Guy himself, over there by that tree surrounded by a group of fawning admirers. WhatEVER. As you limp by, make sure to inquire rudely as to whether or not he’s known for speedy finishes in all aspects of life, if you know what I mean and I THINK YOU DO. Only say this in your head, of course, because it’s not like you can talk right now, what with all the gasping and wheezing and so on.

When some lady hands you a flyer for an upcoming road race in June, plan to throw the thing away as soon as you find a recycling bin, because yeah RIGHT like you’re ever going to do this crazy shit again. Then, find yourself folding it up and carefully putting it in your backpack. Huh.

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Susan
Susan
14 years ago

Please, please, please incorporate this into your book somehow…this was awesomely funny and descriptive and wonderful. kthxbye!

Melospiza
14 years ago

The one (and ONLY) time I ran a race I felt pretty proud of myself that I finished ahead of the speedwalker.

Nevermind that I had to totally sprint the last two hundred yards to do it.

Alison @ Cluck and Tweet

So funny. That is how I, too, would be “running” this race. You gotta know he’s Mr. 10 Second Guy, if you catch my drift.

Anne
14 years ago

That is a very good description of how I run. Or, er, how I would run, if I actually did any running. What I do is more…jogwalking? Hey, it’s exercise; it counts.

Chelsea
Chelsea
14 years ago

“As you limp by, make sure to inquire rudely as to whether or not he’s known for speedy finishes in all aspects of life, if you know what I mean and I THINK YOU DO”

You kill me.

ellbee
14 years ago

But were you passed by any obnoxiously twee children screaming “Mommy, look how fast I can run!!!” or twiggy college students in their finest booty shorts and sports bra, lip gloss shimmering in the sun while your face only shimmers from the spit you’ve unsuccessfully expectorated?
No?
So that was just me. Nuts.

Stephanie
Stephanie
14 years ago

I can totally relate! I ran my first 5K after dropping almost 60 pounds and while I thought I was going to die..I ran many more 5K’s. I even did a 10K about a month before I got preggo with my now 2 month old daughter. My goal was to do it in an hour. My official time was 59:59. Doesn’t get better than that! I started to cry as I crossed the finish line. Who knew that an ex-smoker and former fat girl could do that?

warcrygirl
14 years ago

Maybe one day, when I grow up, I’ll run one of those marathony-thingies. Seriously, the thought of running while not either in dreaded fear or overwhelming lust kind of escapes me, if you’ll pardon the pun.

Allison
14 years ago

My boyfriend does 5ks in 9-10mins. I can do it in about 45mins. Needless to say, we never run together.

BellyGirl
14 years ago

Skip the next 5K, start training for the half marathon. You’d rock it…

Patty Grimm
Patty Grimm
14 years ago

I totally relate! In my first 5k last month, I was passed just before the finish line by a guy who was running the 10k. Which started 10 minutes before the 5k. Whatever dude.

Candy
Candy
14 years ago

What an awesome post! You should be so proud of yourself. I especially love that you are even considering doing it again. This brought back many painful (but funny now!) memories for me–that was totally me about a year and a half ago. Since then I’ve done a bunch of events, including finishing a half marathon a month ago. I bet you’ll be considering doing one in no time.

Katherine
Katherine
14 years ago

“Duuuude, ran an ultra this weekend. Just trying to limber up before I race a live cheetah this afternoon, brah.”

Okay, I can totally visualize this guy. I’m pretty sure he’s impotent.

Kate
14 years ago

You crack me up. Seriously, do you lie awake at night thinking this shit up?? LOL Cuz you’re brilliantly funny.

jens
jens
14 years ago

you’re awesome. I blabbed to all my friends about how I was gonna run a 5K this summer yet I have totally fallen off the wagon and done bubkes for the past 3 weeks. It might still happen but…the more I screw around the less likely that is. But good for you, girl!! You did it!

Kelli
14 years ago

I envy you for being able to have any thoughts while running a 5K other than, ‘holy shit I going to die’…and running and being funny at the same time. You are very talented!

Rosie
14 years ago

Yeah… those races are addictive like that.
Good for you, brah.

Audubon Ron
14 years ago

You’re funny. Hey I can’t run to the bathroom without pulling a muscle and getting all “struck breathless with a miserable side cramp.”

You’re way beyond me sister girlfriend.

Good for you. I’d say something like, “Hey you finished, it’s not the time that matters.” But then I’d be a complete and total asshole. Which I am – on the natch by the way thank you very much. :)

April
April
14 years ago

This was awesome. I totally relate. I love races, even though it’s just me and middle-aged ladies at the end.

Swiggy
14 years ago

I’m hoping this is me in a year – side cramp and wheezing included.

Merrily
14 years ago

Funny. As a recovering avid runner i can relate to all of this! I ran NC marathon twice – thinking gets quite absurd over the course of several hours… Nut house – here we come!

Merrily
14 years ago

ummm that’s NYC marathon…

Claire
14 years ago

That succinctly sums up all two 5Ks I have run and to make myself feel better, I make sure to go longer than 3.1 miles on the elliptical. I then shout, “Take that, runners!” to… no one, of course.

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
14 years ago

I’m not a runner. That killed me, so funny!

Jenny
Jenny
14 years ago

Congratulation on your 5K! You are such a wonderful writer and as a woman, fitness buff and mom of two little boys, I enjoy your blog more than I can tell you.

p.s. bouncing earbud cord trick: run it up under your shirt– ta da!

Shelly
14 years ago

This was brilliance! Hysterical.

Jeanette
14 years ago

LOL Hilarious!

Pocklock
14 years ago

My first race is Labor Day Weekend and if I start to recall just any of this entry during my run, I’m sure to trip and fall on my face from giggling.

Good tip on the metal binder clip! I’m going to have to try that.

Trenches of Mommyhood
14 years ago

First, congrats!
And second? We seriously must share a brain.

Tia
Tia
14 years ago

Laughing out loud :)

Korinna
14 years ago

Yeah for finishing. I hope you feel great about running it because it’s a wonderful accomplishment.

Anne
14 years ago

hahaha, YES! perfect. well done.

oh, and a handy tip for that ipod cord, feed the wire up through your shirt…i spose that doesn’t work if your all arm banded up though. but, if you have the hand clip shuffle do-dad clipped to your trousers, it works like a charm.

Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com

I think you’ve just laid out why I don’t run 5Ks.

Tracy
Tracy
14 years ago

You have so perfectly captured the thoughts that go through my head during a 5K. And strangely enough, also inspired me to find one to run this summer.

Krissa
Krissa
14 years ago

My own deep thoughts from my first 5K earlier this summer:

1.) “Boy, it’s hot. Man, it’s way hotter than when I normally run. Is the heat going to be OK? I mean, I’m just doing the 5K, surely the marathoners are freaking out more? Cuz it’s hot? But I’m OK, I’m OK, I’m OK…”
(which…slightly justified, since the womens’ marathon leader collapsed about 6 miles from the finish line from heat exhaustion! Although by that time, she’d run severl 5K-lengths all stacked together, so not so much after all. Damn.)

2.)”The only people, and I mean the ONLY PEOPLE I am passing are the walkers. I am being passed by several individuals who could easily be my great grandparents.”

But I totally jogged the whole thing, and I was very proud of myself. That was my only goal, was to not walk. Now once I’m done with the moving/packing/painting, I’m doing another one, I am definitely hooked. Funny how that works…

Amy
Amy
14 years ago

Ha! Great post. You will totally do another race – and another – because it’s obsessive that way. Plus you get this sexy crease on the side of your quad and then you never go back. Running is amazing as, even though I can do the 30-day shred, level 3 while only breathing through my nose (kidding, but it IS getting easier), whenever I start running again after having stopped for 2 SECONDS, it’s like I’m starting all over. Running is the ultimate butt-kick and I love it.

turnitupmom
14 years ago

It’s awesome that you even said YES to a 5K! You made me laugh and confirmed why I haven’t mustered up the courage to do it.

Jenna
Jenna
14 years ago

oh god, that was hilarious. i’ve got side splits just from laughing out loud. I think I burnt more calories reading this post than I do when attempting at a jog. :)

Ilana
14 years ago

Oh my God.

Sundry, I was talking to someone this morning who told me that I needed to laugh more. At the suckfest that is my life I thought? Right. I’ll get RIGHT ON THAT.

And then I realized that I don’t laugh much anymore, and how sad that was. Huh. Moving on.

And then I read this and SPEWED a mouthful of water all over my keyboard at work and snorked through the remains while wiping tears from my eyes.

Thank you for the laughter I so desperately need in my life right now. Well done.

I want ten copies of your first book.

Angela
Angela
14 years ago

I miss running! It is my own damn fault that I am not out there more often, so I will work on that. There is just no feeling like crossing that finish line- even though I sprint past the 89 year-old as I do it!

Funny story:
The first half-marathon I ran, I was passed by the winner of the full marathon. The worst part was that the police car that was with the lead runners honked his horn at me, which caused me to jump about 3 feet in the air. I just stepped to the side of the road, applauded as the lead runner went by, then started chugging along again. But I finished!

Courtney
14 years ago

Dude, I totally just caugt a co-worker doing the “I’m a serious A-Th-A-Lete” stretch in his doorway. He’s a runner. Made me smile and think of this post!

telegirl
telegirl
14 years ago

My first 5K was the Jingle Bell Run in Seattle and I tried to keep up with my asshole boyfriend who wouldn’t slow down for me. He convinced me to do the run with him saying we’d do it together. He finally dropped me part-way with an, “OK, guess I’ll see you at the finish line, then?”

I made it as far as I could and rounded the next corner and couldn’t focus on anything as I dry-heaved for about 30 seconds or so. When I looked up, I was less than a block from the finish line so that means EVERYONE saw me. So absolutely humiliating.

Kristin
14 years ago

This is my fave post of yours this year. Effing brilliant.

Heather B.
14 years ago

The woooooorst part is when people come back through the race course while you’re struggling along, trying not to vomit on someone. It makes me feel so bad about myself. The next 5K I’m doing has a field of like 50 people and when I come in last place I’m sure that will feel so totally awesome.

Sarah C
Sarah C
14 years ago

Your post was AWESOME! LOL! My DH just ran a 5 miler with me voluntarily (“You sure, Sweetie? There are water stands, not beer stands.” He stuck with me and didn’t walk once..um, yeah, that might relate to me too!) Your post totally captured the essence of running to impress vs. running *BECAUSE*. I’m right there with you: red face, crazy hair, shorts askew. Best wishes!

Leah
14 years ago

Props, brah.

Sharon
Sharon
14 years ago

My personal most humbling 5K moments: 1. being passed by a pregnant woman pushing twins in a jogging stroller; 2. sprinting at the end to beat the speed walkers (as the crowd was cheering, “good job, walkers!”). As I ran the entire time through both of the above-mentioned races, I was a little…miffed.

However, I do have a quilt of race t-shirts hanging on my son’s wall, that I had made because I had 20+ shirts in my closet. It doesn’t matter how fast I run (I keep telling myself); it’s that I’m out there. I am a runner. You can tell, because I have a lot of race t-shirts made into a groovy quilt.

Jennifer
14 years ago

Earlier this year I did a 5k, in which, swear to dog, a 65 year old man wearing khakis and a dress shirt, walking with his 5 year old grand daughter BEAT ME.

The Informal Matriarch
14 years ago

I love the way you write. Kudos.

MichelleRenee
14 years ago

You always make me laugh!
I WANT to be a runner..
I’m up to 100 feet before I glurch up a lung but I’m working on it.