I do stupid things all the time. I microwaved a metal cup once, generating foul rolling waves of acrid smoke and ruining our oven. I absentmindedly kissed my kid on the cheek after I’d applied “Lip Venom” lip plumper, giving him a smooch-shaped facewelt. My bathroom mirror is constantly spattered with toothpaste because I always forget to turn the Sonicare off before I remove it from my mouth.

I have to say, though—I think eating an entire bag of dried apricots this Saturday evening has to be worthy of some kind of Lifetime Achievement award.

I don’t know what I was thinking, really. They were sweet and chewy and aside from their creepy resemblance to a severed human ear they just tasted so good and I gnawed my way through the whole pack, feeling virtuous, even, for not choosing ice cream. Later, when I went to bed, my brain tried to warn me—heyyyy, don’t I remember something about dried fruit and fiber?—but I thought, nahh, that’s prunes.

Then at 2 AM, I woke up . . . with an IED in my midsection. And O, I did suffer the Wrath of the Apricots, friends. For a full 24 hours afterwards, a fierce and relentless battle raged, with heavy artillery and startling explosions. There were base ejection payloads, rocket assisted projectiles, and devastating air bursts. It was so bad I actually went back and dug the bag out of the trash, positive I’d missed a label that said “WARNING: CONTENTS MAY TURN ASSHOLE INTO EYE OF SAURON.”

Anyway, I share this unsavory tale only to warn others: the only circumstances in which you should attempt to consume a large amount of dried apricots is if you haven’t shit in a week and all other methods have failed, and even then? You might want to just consider death as a more comfortable option.

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Karl
Karl
12 years ago

And I just realized that “holy shit” might not have been the most felicitous expletive to choose. Sorry about that!

Patty Grimm
Patty Grimm
12 years ago

I made the mistake of eating dried apricots for breakfast in London not long before we left for the airport to fly home. Let’s just say that seven hour flight was not the most comfortable. On the up side, the flight was so loud that the loud bursts I was emitting were muffled. At least I thought they were.

Kym
Kym
12 years ago

OMG! So sorry, but I too have made that mistake!!!!!

Amy
Amy
12 years ago

OMG – I’m laughing in my cube and people are looking.

Shin Ae
12 years ago

I did that one day at school. I was in a long, boring lecture and just kept munching. I was still out in public when things began. It was, uh, memorable. That was 17 years ago, and I still have a hard time getting the nerve to put an apricot in my mouth.

April G.
April G.
12 years ago

Oh, man. I have done that before. The pain! The noise!

Your comparison of apricots to ears reminds me of this poem. http://www.starve.org/teaching/intro-poetry/colonel.html

Kim
Kim
12 years ago

Ah… you make me laugh! Sounds like something I would do, but would be too embarrassed to write about. Hope all is well now…

warcrygirl
12 years ago

“It was so bad I actually went back and dug the bag out of the trash, positive I’d missed a label that said “WARNING: CONTENTS MAY TURN ASSHOLE INTO EYE OF SAURON.”

I totally heart you. Also loving the war/battle metaphors.

Kim
Kim
12 years ago

Actually…I *haven’t* shit in a week and it’s getting very uncomfortable, soo…

Crys
Crys
12 years ago

OMG!! Priceless… I soo needed that laugh!

adequatemom
12 years ago

Oh, Sundry. Once again you turn a slightly embarrassing mishap into marvellously amusing and epic prose! You are a genius. Hope you’re all recovered now!

lex
lex
12 years ago

One time back in my college days I combated the munchies with most of a box of bran buds. Regrets!

operation pink herring
12 years ago

I don’t recommend eating an entire bag of grapes before going for a run, either.

Mel
Mel
12 years ago

Haha, oh man. This is why I like you. You can make anything, including poop, hilarious. (I do hope you feel better now!)

Korinna
12 years ago

I remember one time in college when I drank four little containers of apple juice because, holy hell, it tasted like manna from heaven.

I regretted that.

lucidkim
lucidkim
12 years ago

I read this http://rosscavins.com/content/view/224/1/ this morning and thought of you. But in a good way. As much as ass related bathroom things are a good way. Hmm. Anyway. :)

Lady Susan
12 years ago

Learned this early in life when I ate way too many dried plums. They expanded in my stomach and oh, was I not happy.

Clare
Clare
12 years ago

Oh, that’s too funny! Although you probably weren’t laughing too much at the time….
I’ve always thought that they resemble scrotums, very soft, virtually hairless scrotums…..so I couldn’t eat a whole bag in one sitting. But dates…..hoo boy! Dried fruit is a bit of a hazard.

Also. The Sonicare. Every. Time.

Erin
12 years ago

Several years ago, my husband worked in a call center where the desks were grouped into little pods of 6. He sat with 4 women, who I jokingly referred to as his harem (no kidding, I have an entry in my Bridal Shower gift list thing that says “From Mike’s Harem”). He rediscovered dried apricots and would munch on a few of them throughout the day. And then couldn’t figure out what was making him so farty. The farts didn’t smell, fortunately, but he was forever trying to muffle them so as not to offend the delicate sensibilities of his harem.

Eventually he figured out that it was the apricots and began treading more gently around them.

I never realized they were the WMD of dried fruit.

PS: You had me in tears of laughter with your descriptions. You slay me, woman.

Kristianna
12 years ago

My husband did the same thing years ago — I even warned him that half a dozen of those puppies would be PLENTY, but,nope! He downed a bag. And to this day he is scared of dried apricots. :)

Violet
Violet
12 years ago

Ow, the minute you said “bag of dried apricots” I thought “oh, this will be bad…”. When I was pregnant, someone advised me to try them for relieving constipation; they also warned me to try ONE first, then 2 if that didn’t work. Worked like a charm, but if one did the trick – a whole bag? You poor girl!

Steph
12 years ago

Oh that does not sound fun at ALL!! I hope you are recovering well!!

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9 years ago

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8 years ago

I have been eating Trader Joe’s apricots since Sunday. Today is Wednesday. I have been releasing lethal farts into the air at work. I started to research the effects of Apricots on the body because things were getting out of hand. I farted and HR walked into my cubicle right afterwards and walked into the fart. Never again will I eat apricots. They belong in the trash.

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Not So Smarty Pants
Not So Smarty Pants
5 years ago

I finished the last few tasty treats while reading the first paragraph. Now, I’m terrified! When will it happen? Is it really going to be that bad? Is this even slightly exaggerated?

Please say it’s not that bad….