I do stupid things all the time. I microwaved a metal cup once, generating foul rolling waves of acrid smoke and ruining our oven. I absentmindedly kissed my kid on the cheek after I’d applied “Lip Venom” lip plumper, giving him a smooch-shaped facewelt. My bathroom mirror is constantly spattered with toothpaste because I always forget to turn the Sonicare off before I remove it from my mouth.

I have to say, though—I think eating an entire bag of dried apricots this Saturday evening has to be worthy of some kind of Lifetime Achievement award.

I don’t know what I was thinking, really. They were sweet and chewy and aside from their creepy resemblance to a severed human ear they just tasted so good and I gnawed my way through the whole pack, feeling virtuous, even, for not choosing ice cream. Later, when I went to bed, my brain tried to warn me—heyyyy, don’t I remember something about dried fruit and fiber?—but I thought, nahh, that’s prunes.

Then at 2 AM, I woke up . . . with an IED in my midsection. And O, I did suffer the Wrath of the Apricots, friends. For a full 24 hours afterwards, a fierce and relentless battle raged, with heavy artillery and startling explosions. There were base ejection payloads, rocket assisted projectiles, and devastating air bursts. It was so bad I actually went back and dug the bag out of the trash, positive I’d missed a label that said “WARNING: CONTENTS MAY TURN ASSHOLE INTO EYE OF SAURON.”

Anyway, I share this unsavory tale only to warn others: the only circumstances in which you should attempt to consume a large amount of dried apricots is if you haven’t shit in a week and all other methods have failed, and even then? You might want to just consider death as a more comfortable option.

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Pete
Pete
11 years ago

Already did it with a bag of Mango’s from Costco.

Jennifer
Jennifer
11 years ago

Oooo, I noticed your Twitter mentioning those apricots, and I was thinking, hmmm, I wonder if she’s going to regret this …

Victoria
11 years ago

I’m so sorry about the fact that I’m laughing really hard right now.

Kate
Kate
11 years ago

Fresh Bing Cherries or any kind of fruit and/or nut from Trader Joe’s. Also Trader Joe’s Kettle Corn. So good, but so bad. I do this at least once a month because I am a complete dipshit.

leah
leah
11 years ago

I did the same thing — except stupidier… with prunes… While I patted myself on the back for NOT grabbing the bag of chips to snack on- went through a whole bag and though- ehh Ive never had any problems in that department.. thats only for babies and old people… OMFG. was horrible.. had to get my hubby to call in sick for work cuz I couldnt watch the kids… can I even try to explain the ordeal I went through… I almost half convinced myself I was struck with food poisoning- of some sort- it was so bad.. forever on now- limit of 2… u tricky mofo’s- Im watching u…

HRJ
HRJ
11 years ago

“asshole / eye of sauron” seriously made my day. fucking hilarious :).

Lesley
Lesley
11 years ago

Today I added “extra” cherries to my smoothie. Instead of one cup, I added two. Then I went out. In public. Horrendous.

Aneets
Aneets
11 years ago

I must admit I read your tweet and inwardly screamed ‘nooooo!’ as I have had my own awful dried apricot experience.

Let us just say involved some blockage during overseas travel and I tried the dried apricots as a solution.

Oh god the horror- it was truly almost as bad as labour and didn’t really help the problem much anyway in the end. Have not been able to look at them since.

Donna
Donna
11 years ago

Strawberries.

Molly
11 years ago

The people on the airport shuttle must think I am crazy sitting here laughing until I’m crying. I did the same with dried fruit from Pike Place Market while pregnant and in Seattle to teach a corporate training class. I’d say thanks for the memories but that seems highly inappropriate.

Megan
Megan
11 years ago

Raisins, man. Don’t ever fuck with raisins.

Judy
Judy
11 years ago

Never let them remove your gall bladder, because after that, every day is a bag-o-apricots day, for the rest of your life. They never tell you those little details before the surgery.

lisa
lisa
11 years ago

laughing, hard. This is what I needed after an especially trying day. A day that was ‘icing on the cake-ed’ by me asking my neighbor to just watch both kids for 10 minutes so I could run to the store to get one thing (because, you know, its possible to do that in 10 minutes without kids. With kids it would have been a FORTY minute ordeal just for a gallon of milk). She agreed and when I got home she asked me what I thought was the best thing to give her daughter who has the STOMACH FLU. She didn’t feel the need to share this little germy gem with me before I left my kids with her? My son is scheduled for surgery in three days- Im guessing if he’s barfing we’ll, uh, have to cancel. SON OF A.

Amanda
11 years ago

Care for a pound of cheddar and a side of rice?

jonniker
11 years ago

I HAVE DONE THIS. It’s horrible and painful and STINKY and … oh. A whole bag. OH.

Amy of "famed" pregnantchicken.com

Oh my God, that made me laugh. Thank you for the best public service announcement ever written.

The Eye of Sauron — awesome. I bow to you and your exquisite nerdom.

life in a pink fibro
11 years ago

Found you via Deer Baby and so happy that I did. Am laughing out loud at thought of Grade A Nutrition Student suffering the wrath of the apricots. Also wondering if you’ve met my friend The Not Drowning Mother (notdrowning.wordpress.com). I think you are the same person, separated by several thousand miles and a couple of oceans.

Elinor
11 years ago

Oooooh, I did that once with apricots, too! I almost didn’t make it to work the next day.

Sarah
Sarah
11 years ago

I too saw your tweet and thought NOO! I have been there, in fact I cannot eat more than about 6 dried apricots at a time. They are so tasty that to resist I try to remember that every little shriveled piece of fruit = one big fresh piece of fruit. Would you ever eat 30 fresh apricots in one sitting? (Don’t answer that!)

Aunt linda
11 years ago

I’ve done both the Sonicare and the apricot thing. I feel the need to yell, “THAT’S MY GIRL!”

Anne
11 years ago

When I buy dried apricots for my wife I have to ration them out to her and HIDE the rest so she doesn’t have to learn this particular lesson over and over and over and over…

Callie
Callie
11 years ago

I made the same mistake with Cracklin’ Oat Bran. I love cereal and have been known to eat it for dinner, snacks, etc. Somehow the “Bran” part of the name escaped me when I decided to eat three bowls of it in one day. Yikes.

Kathryn
Kathryn
11 years ago

Oh, I am so glad to hear that I’m not the only one who has learned the dried apricot lesson the hard way. 2005, Thanksgiving Eve. I was hanging out with friends, who had set out some nuts, cheese, and dried apricots to go with our wine. I stupidly ignored the cheese, and ate the hell out of that bowl of dried apricots. After they were nearly gone, my “friend” said, “Oh, I should have warned you not to eat so many apricots–that’s going to be unpleasant later.” Unpleasant it was. I got home, and about an hour or so later, my stomach blew up. I spent the night on the toilet…I’d think I was finished, and hobble into the living room to rest, and barely sit down before it was time for another round. I have never felt such pain before, including kidney stones. I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to make/eat Thanksgiving dinner…fortunately, I was fine the next morning. A little weak, and a lot warier for the experience, but I made it out alive, and now I know: stay the fuck away from dried apricots.

Amanda
Amanda
11 years ago

Guess that puts a new spin on the term “shitstorm”.

Amy M.
Amy M.
11 years ago

I did the dried apricots too, when I was 6 months pregnant. Good times.

Wendy
11 years ago

I once ate a whole thing of dark chocolate covered raisens from Trader Joes. The pleasure of eating them was forgotten during the hours of anal terror that followed. Dried fruit is not to be toyed with.

Christina
11 years ago

Umm I am sorry, I laughed. I hope you are feeling better.

JennB
11 years ago

They’ve always reminded me of dried up baby scrotums, too.
You have to watch yourself. Dried fruit is like the perfect enemy: you feel good eating it, it’s sweet and satisfying. Then it blows your colon all to hell. At least you won’t have to go for a high colonic any time soon. I think you’re all cleared out for the next few years.

Pavette
11 years ago

A small portion of dried apricots landed me in the ER 4 years ago. I think it has to do with the sulfur dioxide they use to dry them. I can and do eat prunes just fine, but I now avoid any fruit dried with sulfur dioxide.
My normally flat stomach swelled to the size of a 4 month pregnancy and my intestines had stopped moving! I couldn’t fart out the huge cloud that was forming in my belly. After pain meds, I asked the nurse to pull my finger (yes, funny things happen with meds) and let it all out.

Eric's Mommy
11 years ago

I hadn’t had apple juice in a long time and made the mistake a few years ago of drinking about a gallon of it while watching a movie. Then I was wondering why my stomach was gurgling and churning. I spent a lot of time on the toilet.

I don’t like dried apricots but I do like prunes. I only eat about 4 at a time though.

Ris
Ris
11 years ago

Oh NOES this does not sound like fun! Must remember this for next time I want to get carried away with the healthy deliciousness of dried fruit.

Jennifer
Jennifer
11 years ago

Dude. Sonicare. Ditto.
And thank you for the out loud laugh. You rock.
I love dried apricots. I will not forget this post!

Did you at least lose a pound or two??!

Kathy
Kathy
11 years ago

Even one dried apricot disagrees with me in a way that is also disagreeable to those around me!!

Life of a Doctor's Wife

That sounds horrific! So sorry you had to endure the Wrath of the Apricots.

I once ate three Fiber One bars in one sitting, if that makes you feel any better/less stupid. It was a nightmare. Especially because I had to get on airplane at 5:00 the next morning.

sarah
11 years ago

LOL! I, too, once ate a rather large amount of dried apricots and can attest to its unpleasantness. They’re just so addicting!!!

Jamie
11 years ago

Dude, I have done this very same thing, and suffered the very same consequences (if you toss in projectile vomiting, which I also had – FUN!). Given how good apricots taste, and how lethal they can be to the GI system, I have since labeled them as tools of satan.

Hope all is well now, and your ass is back to its normal working order.

Shawna
Shawna
11 years ago

Raisins, man. Don’t ever let your husband fuck with raisins.

MRW
MRW
11 years ago

I too have seen The Eye: cherries. Enough said.

CarrieP
CarrieP
11 years ago

First, hah! Second, perfect timing. Our three-year-old is suffering from the dreaded Won’t Poop Anywhere, Even for a $100 Bill disease. Miralax, not helping. Suppository, helpful but horrifying. The perfect (we hope!) solution? A giant size bag of Harry & David dried apricots.

Annabelle
Annabelle
11 years ago

Megan is right: don’t ever fuck with raisins.

Also, the day of my junior year homecoming, I decided to take care of the blockage caused by Tylenol 3 with coedine from a recent foot surgery. So I ate one square of Ex-lax. One whole foil-wrapped square, consisting of nine individual squares like a hershey bar. Borrowed poufy dress, leg cast, crutches, 943 trips to the bathroom. Memories.

Sande
Sande
11 years ago

Love this post! 4 months preggers = a little envious of your experience. Note to self…dried fruit in moderation may help.

pam
pam
11 years ago

I did that with Fiber One bars once. I ate two. BAD idea. V v v bad.

Katy
Katy
11 years ago

Oh I am very sorry. Not laughing a bit no no. I had a very similar experience when trying to convince my very late third baby to make an entrance. I would not suggest anybody tries drinking castor oil to induce labour. Tastes like cheap lipstick on the way down and my GOD I nearly turned myself inside out a few hours later!

shizzknits
11 years ago

Oh dear. While I cringed at the first mention of ‘dried apricots’, I also laughed so loudly that my kids asked me what was going on.

Once my sis was ummm…”stopped up” and I mentioned eating a FEW dried apricots might help move things along. Like you, she ate an ENTIRE bag. She called me three days later saying that she had not left the house in all that time, due to the Great Apricot Poopstorm of ’08.

I agree: dried fruit are not to be toyed with!

justmouse
11 years ago

as soon as i read the post about eating a bag of apricots, i inwardly cringed…

also, along the same vein…never, under any circumstances, eat most of an entire fresh pineapple by yourself.

it is still referred to in my house as The Pineapple Incident of ’09.

Anne
Anne
11 years ago

Yep,been there done that too! It’s made worse, as another commenter noted, by the sulphur dioxide used as a preservative (I think the, uh…laxative…effect is the same either way, but at least with the non-sulphured ones you won’t smell like Satan and his minions have taken up residence in your colon).

Carrie @ Who Knew
11 years ago

This is maybe the funniest post I’ve ever read. Also, thanks for the head’s up.

Melissa
Melissa
11 years ago

I’m sorry you had to go through that but I’m crying over here! Priceless description.

Emily
Emily
11 years ago

I did this in college once and multiple times since; I just don’t learn. Darn dried apricots/fruit. My dad and a friends dad ate dried fruit and kept drinking juice boxes during a kiddie campout once. Picture two grown men each laying on a picnic bench with bloated stomachs. Good thing her mom had plenty of gas-x!!

Karl
Karl
11 years ago

I started laughing at “entire bag of dried apricots” and I can’t stop. A whole bag? You ate a WHOLE BAG? Holy shit.

I’m surprised that the fireworks stopped after 24 hours. The only time I would ever eat more than 5 dried apricots at once would be if I were entering a farting contest that I really wanted to win.

A whole bag?!?!?! zowie.