Dylan often asks for one of us to draw him a horse on the Magna-Doodle, and over time the horse drawing requirements have become more and more complex. At first it was acceptable to simply have a basic horse-like figure, then there was the need for a saddle and bridle. Eventually a cowboy became necessary, and then somewhere along the line my asshat husband started drawing a wholly unnecessary piece of genitalia to, ahem, flesh out the picture.

Pretty soon our sweet dimple-cheeked two-year-old was begging—and I know, in the context of this writing, that the word begging sounds horribly wrong, yet it remains an accurate representation of his passion behind his demands—for a horse penis with each drawing.

“Can I have a saddle?” he says, adorably. Then: “Can I have a penis?”

So the other day he’s asking for a horse and JB’s dutifully scribbling away and Dylan clarifies that he wants ALL of the horse parts if you know what he means and I think you do and out of nowhere Riley chimes in that actually, he doesn’t WANT the horse to have a penis.

After a (fantastic, should-have-been-recorded) conversation about the whole thing, eventually Riley decided he needed to give his father a ticket. Because that’s how people sometimes get an official smackdown on their actions, you know?

And that’s how my husband received the world’s most potentially upsetting note from a 5-year-old. Happily, JB paid his fine of one quarter and all has been okay since.

ticket

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Kristin
11 years ago

That is at once disturbing AND hilarious.

Jen
Jen
11 years ago

I just died. Of hilarity.

Shelly
11 years ago

I tried to read this to my boyfriend, and I couldn’t get through it, I was laughing so damn hard. NO MORE PENIS!!

Melissa
11 years ago

OMG, this is great! I needed this laugh!

A few days ago, my 2y-o came running frantic into the living room and says “Mumma! Puppy humpin’ kitty!” So, I looked and sure enough, that’s exactly what the puppy was doing.

/Humping?/ I didn’t even know my son knew that word, let alone use it in the correct context. So I opted for downplaying it in the hopes that he would NEVER EVER repeat that phrase again, especially in Sunday school or church.

I told him it’s okay, the dog is just trying to establish her dominance over the cat and that’s just something that animals do when they want to show the other animal who is boss and who gets to eat first and who gets to sit where. Then we shut the door to let them work it out.

Later that night, he monkey runs into the living room and flops down on the poor cat who is still recovering from the bad touch says “Look, mumma, I humpin’ kitty too!” And sure enough, that’s exactly what it looked like. “Kitty, you not sit in my bean bag chair!” he tells the cat. I sense years of therapy ahead.

Sarah in Huntsville
11 years ago

Awesome! I think I would FRAME that ticket.

Mary @ Tips&Treasures
11 years ago

Hahahahaha that’s one of the funniest things EVER. What a great story for 25 years from now!

Eric's Mommy
Eric's Mommy
11 years ago

Priceless.

Cid
Cid
11 years ago

Oh my, that is the story of my life – living in a house with one man, three boys, a male dog and a sex-yet-to-be determined gecko I, too, say, “No more penis.”

My Kids Mom
11 years ago

Kids learning to write is better than learning to talk. You get some great keepers… and you can keep them!

Stacy
11 years ago

Official Kids do/say the Darndest Things BEST WEINER EVERY!

Rougie
11 years ago

There are no words for the awesomeness. None.

cupcake
cupcake
11 years ago

Bet your hubby was relieved that *you* hadn’t written that note!

And Melissa’s anecdote about “humping” as “establishing dominance” and her son’s willing adoption of said humping: priceless!

LisaK
LisaK
11 years ago

Thank you for the laugh…I needed one!

Danell
Danell
11 years ago

Dude, that is some impressive handwriting he has already!

Lesley
Lesley
11 years ago

This is the funniest thing I think I’ve ever read.

crisi-tunity
11 years ago

Thank you, Linda. Thank you. Because of you, I don’t need to worry about the fact that I don’t want kids – any moments that I might miss out on, I can always read them here. God, I love your blog.

Val
Val
11 years ago

Made my day!

Val
Val
11 years ago

PS You better save this ticket until Riley is an adult or at least a teenager…

Vanessa
Vanessa
11 years ago

Can’t. Stop. Laughing.

Best thing I’ve read in weeks. Thank you!

Anonymous
Anonymous
11 years ago

Can I borrow that note, to pin on my back at bedtime….so hubby will leave me alone?

Erica
11 years ago

Awesome!! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

Amy Q
Amy Q
11 years ago

I had to read this out loud to my husband and we both had an awesome laugh at your expense! completely priceless!

Vanessa
11 years ago

OMG, that’s hilarious! And so is Melissa’s story about the “humpin.” I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.

jules
jules
11 years ago

Really too funny! Thanks for the laughs!

Junni
Junni
11 years ago

I’m crying I’m laughing so hard.

NO MORE PENIS.

Catriona
Catriona
11 years ago

I think is your best entry yet!!

Sarah
11 years ago

OMG, that’s frickin’ hilarious!! And reminds me that one of these days I need to tell the nipple story on my blog. One that still sets my husband laughing over 8 years later.

Lori O
11 years ago

has to be one of the most hilarious parenting stories EVER!

Melissa
Melissa
11 years ago

Just read this post out loud to my husband…we were both rolling. Hilarious!

amanda
11 years ago

This is like, the best blog post of all time. ALL TIME!

Shawna
Shawna
11 years ago

Wait, did Riley write and spell that note all by himself? Isn’t he, like, five?

I am very, very impressed.

Jess
Jess
11 years ago

I am OH so glad this post made its way into my browser this evening. Wonderful laughs!

lee
lee
11 years ago

traffic ticket or cry for help? discuss.

seriously, this needs framing. maybe you can sell prints on etsy.

Em
Em
11 years ago

So. Awesome.

Life of a Doctor's Wife

Dying of the absurdity of it all!

kristylynne
kristylynne
11 years ago

Scrolled down to the picture and snorted yogurt out my nose. Good grief, that’s funny.

tanya
tanya
11 years ago

that’s the best picture I’ve ever seen ever ever ever.

eve
eve
11 years ago

This seems like ideal material for your new scrapbooking hobby. ;)

Gretchen
11 years ago

It’s like a protest sign. That’s a freaking riot!

Teree
Teree
11 years ago

Now if the next note is ‘More Cowbell’…

Rachel
Rachel
11 years ago

Oh please, please tell us that’s going in the scrapbook. Maybe with a photo of JB’s rendering of a horse with a penis?