In the last few days, I’ve been noticing some new additions to our backyard. Like this guy:

squirrel1

And this one:

squirrel2

And these fellows:

squirrel4

Like, every single time I look outside there’s a mess of motherfucking squirrels nearby. It’s almost a little creepy.

squirrel5

Also, is that a—?

duck1

Yes. Yes it is.

duck

I’m not sure if it’s because there’s no dog in the backyard now or if we accidentally bought the No Mess Wild Birdfeed Seeds: Black Tar Heroin Variety, but at least the kids are entertained. Although having your children constantly talk like the dog from Up gets a little old after a while.

squirrel3

“Hey Mom do you SQUIRREL! know where my green army SQUIRREL! guy is because SQUIRREL! I can’t find him.”

I bought a fancy squirrel-proof feeder and I put out a special Sweet Corn Squirrel Log (“The compressed sweet corn log keeps the squirrels busy and away from your bird feeders!”) but they’re still there. Everywhere.

Where did they come from? Why have they suddenly set up camp in our backyard? Who knew ducks could be so LURKY? Where did this particular squirrel get a goddamned Eggo?

squirrel6

No answers. Only questions.

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Emily
Emily
10 years ago

We had squirrels EVERYWHERE at the college I went to. They were protected. They would seriously stand right in the sidewalk of where you were going to walk with this “Dare You” look. It was kind of creepy when they would fall out of the trees around you.

wealhtheow
10 years ago

Oh, those compressed logs keep the squirrels busy, alright. For about 2 minutes.

H
H
10 years ago

Uh, have you checked your freezer? I’d hate to think that squirrel has been helping himself to a snack…

Jessica V
Jessica V
10 years ago

I totally snort/laughed when I read the last line. Now I keep humming “my waffles bring all the squirrels (and a duck) to my yard…”

telegirl
telegirl
10 years ago

Thanks for the laugh, that is hilarious. The squirrels (and lurky duck) are taking over and I do think it’s because you don’t have, um, protection (?) any longer. I don’t think I will ever get tired of quotes from “Up”. Do you not agree with that which I am saying to you now?

We just moved to a neighborhood in Salem that has a male and female peacock pair which we have, of course, named both “Kevin”. We can’t feed the little tweety birds or squirrels because, I have been told, the big birds will take up permanent residence. And they are LOUD at 3:00/4:00 in the morning.

Suburban Snapshots
10 years ago

One girlfriend had – no shit – twenty-five on her deck last week. Another had a chipmunk in her house last night. Not to rub salt, but do you think it could have to do with the absence of Dog? When my parents lost their Lab last year, chipmunks basically walked up to their front door, flipped them the bird, and giggled tiny, evil chipmunk laughs.

Sarah
10 years ago

LOL! The Eggo cracks me up!! Love it!

ashley
ashley
10 years ago

This has nothing to do with this post (sorry lol) and not sure if you’ve covered this or even know.. but i stumbled upon a picture of you on This is Photobomb.

Victori, BC
Victori, BC
10 years ago

Somewhere near by, a small child is crying on his back deck, one waffle short of a full breakfast…

souphead
10 years ago

I know you REALLY don’t want to and you’re not ready, but have you thought that maybe, possibly, the universe is trying to tell you to take that dog from the breeder? Maybe :)

Shawna
Shawna
10 years ago

Doesn’t that squirrel know that WAFFLES ARE NOT A SNACK!?!

Very Bloggy Beth
10 years ago

Squirrel with a waffle LOLZ. Only wildlife we get here are lawn-wrecking gopher fucks and raccoons that wake us up in the ballpark of 3 am all summer long. I’d take an Eggo theiving squirrel.

Very Bloggy Beth
10 years ago

@Shawna hahahaha classic.

Janet
Janet
10 years ago

I was just reading Outblush when I saw this and immediately knew you had to know about this fabulous home accessory which seems so timely….
http://www.cb2.com/new-accessories/new/squirrelly-18%22×12%22-pillow/f6784

Tiffany in Nashville
Tiffany in Nashville
10 years ago

Sweet Jesus, Mary & Joseph you are funny –

A dog is what you need for two very important reasons: 1. Your squirrel problem will be instantly solved and 2. the hole in your heart will begin to heal.

You didn’t see them before for a reason – dog is squirrel’s natural enemy, in a Wiley Coyote vs. Roadrunner sort of way.

Amy
Amy
10 years ago

OMG…..where did the squirrel get an ego…I almost peed my pants!

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6 years ago

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