Pants can basically go fuck themselves. If something’s a little too tight or hits at the wrong spot, it’s worse than eating a pound of broccoli with a baked-beans chaser. Nothing will cause me to painfully inflate Goodyear-style like high-waisted denim, yet the low rise styles are equally bad because of the Ruptured Pillsbury Can effect. Those flattering, swoopy yoga pants have all been replaced by leggings, which almost always have thin elastic bands that dig into your belly oh and also they’re leggings. My ass is not in sausage-casing-display shape at the moment so no thanks, and ditto to fucking skinny jeans which I am SO. OVER.

There are now two choices: I can moisturize my feet with a thick oily lotion before I slide into bed, or I can wake up with hooves in the morning. Like actual hooves. Wildebeest hooves.

My knees have always sounded like they’re packed with ballbearings but now my elbows are joining the party. I was lowering myself into a noisy pushup at the gym the other day and the elderly lady next to me said, “Glucosamine, honey.”

The increasingly-frequent game of What’s That Skin Thing?

I was watching the cats playing in the sunroom and I found myself admiring the liquid grace of their movements. That was the exact phrase I thought of: Liquid grace. I’m a middle-aged lady with three cats, to whom I mentally assign NC-17 fanfic-sounding descriptives.

Do you need a tissue? Because I have some in my purse. A shitload of them, actually. They’re crumpled and dusty but they work just fine. I also have mints.

I saw one of those Facebook things the other day where you make a phrase out of the the color of your underwear and the last thing you ate, and my answer was “Beige Spinach.” I can’t remember if that was supposed to be my band name or my porn name, but either way it’s pretty tragic. I guess Beige Spinach, porn star, is probably worse, but on the plus side you know there’s at least one person out there whose ultra-specific kink would finally be fulfilled. (With liquid grace, he ran his tongue along her skin, which was neither milky white nor tan but somewhere in between…)

I used to wonder when I’d finally feel like a grownup. You know, someone worthy of the terrifying responsibility of, say, parenthood. But lately I’ve been finding comfort in the belief that while age brings experience and hopefully some wisdom, I think for the most part we never stop feeling like Space Dog.

Comments

Subscribe
Notify of
guest

59 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Cheap Jerseys From China

However, they all have neighbors that they talk to frequently that they will see.If you are looking for the affordable thod to improve the price of your property, you ould try investing in new roof fans. Word of mouth advertising might not be the most effective option to reach prospective buyers. It then develops a compact, but loyal following, gains momentum as a result of world of mouth and marketing, becomes a lot more favorite, grows in status, appears in specialty outlets, grows even more c

Kris
Kris
9 years ago

You forgot about the silver hairs. Not just grey. Oh, hells no. Shiny, silver, wiry little motherfuckers sprouting out of my scalp like little kinky pipe cleaners. BOING! BOING! BOING! My head resembles Beeker more and more with every passing day.

Lebron 13 Christmas
9 years ago

re drinking and how much room there is for experimentationSMILWAUKEE (AP) — Lance Lynn had trouble throwing his fastball for strikes Friday nightAAsked about the brand’s success, Buffa points to the elevation of the craft of barbering itself, which he’s reinvigorated and brought into the modern eraJustin Bieber is in trouble with the law once again but did she make things worse?Wed, 05 Aug 2015 19:32:10 GMTWhen Michael Friedlander spotted a man drowning in Ocean City, Md”I’m excited to see Just

Donna
Donna
9 years ago

Black bacon. Ahahahaha

trackback
8 years ago

http://bbc.co.uk

A brief roundup of life at fortysomething : All & Sundry…

שינוי תוצאות חיפוש בגוגל

It’s impressive that you are getting thoughts from this post as well
as from our dialogue made here.

Here is my webpage – שינוי תוצאות חיפוש בגוגל

trackback
8 years ago

marketing research…

A brief roundup of life at fortysomething : All & Sundry…

mredrnknek
8 years ago

A brief roundup of life at fortysomething : All & Sundry
[url=http://www.ge42a836ll1vvo636aw89e54nkv278xys.org/]umredrnknek[/url]
mredrnknek http://www.ge42a836ll1vvo636aw89e54nkv278xys.org/
amredrnknek