Pants can basically go fuck themselves. If something’s a little too tight or hits at the wrong spot, it’s worse than eating a pound of broccoli with a baked-beans chaser. Nothing will cause me to painfully inflate Goodyear-style like high-waisted denim, yet the low rise styles are equally bad because of the Ruptured Pillsbury Can effect. Those flattering, swoopy yoga pants have all been replaced by leggings, which almost always have thin elastic bands that dig into your belly oh and also they’re leggings. My ass is not in sausage-casing-display shape at the moment so no thanks, and ditto to fucking skinny jeans which I am SO. OVER.

There are now two choices: I can moisturize my feet with a thick oily lotion before I slide into bed, or I can wake up with hooves in the morning. Like actual hooves. Wildebeest hooves.

My knees have always sounded like they’re packed with ballbearings but now my elbows are joining the party. I was lowering myself into a noisy pushup at the gym the other day and the elderly lady next to me said, “Glucosamine, honey.”

The increasingly-frequent game of What’s That Skin Thing?

I was watching the cats playing in the sunroom and I found myself admiring the liquid grace of their movements. That was the exact phrase I thought of: Liquid grace. I’m a middle-aged lady with three cats, to whom I mentally assign NC-17 fanfic-sounding descriptives.

Do you need a tissue? Because I have some in my purse. A shitload of them, actually. They’re crumpled and dusty but they work just fine. I also have mints.

I saw one of those Facebook things the other day where you make a phrase out of the the color of your underwear and the last thing you ate, and my answer was “Beige Spinach.” I can’t remember if that was supposed to be my band name or my porn name, but either way it’s pretty tragic. I guess Beige Spinach, porn star, is probably worse, but on the plus side you know there’s at least one person out there whose ultra-specific kink would finally be fulfilled. (With liquid grace, he ran his tongue along her skin, which was neither milky white nor tan but somewhere in between…)

I used to wonder when I’d finally feel like a grownup. You know, someone worthy of the terrifying responsibility of, say, parenthood. But lately I’ve been finding comfort in the belief that while age brings experience and hopefully some wisdom, I think for the most part we never stop feeling like Space Dog.

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JennB
6 years ago

could not agree more. who authorized these things to happen?! and, who gave me charge of 2 small people? and, when do I get to actually feel like i have my shit together, instead of pretending all the damn time? Never?
I’m beginning to think that everyone, everywhere practices the smoke & mirrors bullshit game. and that scares me to no end.

JudithNYC
JudithNYC
6 years ago

And speaking of asses, I thought I looked pretty good for an almost-66-year-old lady. Until one of my sons took a photo of me walking down the street. From behind. What the hell happened back there when I wasn’t watching?

Emma
Emma
6 years ago

So scarily true. I turn 40 in 6 weeks and keep catching myself thinking that I don’t ACT 40…or FEEL 40…but keep catching glimpses in mirrors and windows and am scared that I LOOK 40?!?! Do ALL adults secretly feel this way, that they don’t deserve the “grown-up” designation?

Kim
Kim
6 years ago

Forty-six here. And wow, I needed this today.
As far as clothes, I struggle with finding things that are age appropriate because Forever 21 is long past okay but I’m not ready for Contempo Casuals or Sporty Old Broad matching separates either. Which basically leaves JCrew (too expensive for me most of the time) or H&M (whose sizes are also welcome to go fuck themselves).

dorrie
dorrie
6 years ago

Step up the kleenex game, honey. I keep one in my sleeve, grandma style.

MassWhole
MassWhole
6 years ago

Your writing lets people know they are not alone.

Lori
6 years ago

Some of your best work, Linda. I was literally laughing out loud.

Nowheymama
6 years ago

Thank you for posting this today, my 41st birthday. I needed it.

Nicole
6 years ago

I’m 35 and all of this, yes. Especially the wildebeest hooves bit.

Katharine
6 years ago

I laughed A LOT while reading this. Thank you so much for sharing it.

I adore Space Dog, but this morning I found this video of a baby emu and I was like THAT’S ME: https://youtu.be/5QOhsPgexGk

Shari
Shari
6 years ago

Oh, yes. Although my feet are still ok, but for the most part I have to cope by just not giving a shot about what I wear. No skinny jeans or leggings at work, thank god.

Katie
Katie
6 years ago

You summed it right up! I turn 40 the 10th of November and I feel every bit that age now! Doesn’t help that my 10 year old is stealing my Chacos since they fit him. My womens size 10 Chacos… He’s a small adult in 5th grade!!! Scares the bejesus outta me! Loved this post, made my Monday!!!

Andrea
Andrea
6 years ago

ALSO: Chin hair…as is one lone whisker-like thick hair on the left side under my chin…that I have to constantly pluck once a week. Except, when I turned 44 last year? Its friend showed up to join the party on the right side. Two, TWO whiskers I now have to pluck once a week. WTF.

Jennifer
Jennifer
6 years ago

I would also add “Why does that hurt and is it permanent?” and “When did I start falling asleep at 9:30?”

Jesabes
6 years ago

I’m in my 30s and YES. Yes to all of it. Especially pants. Fuck you, pants.

Jen
Jen
6 years ago

Oh, space dog, I feel ya. The 40s have been, challenging. I have a steady supply of probiotics for gut issues and glucosamine for my crackling shoulders.

Karen
Karen
6 years ago

Turning 51 today and it was one of the 1st days in several that it didn’t hurt to go for a walk…great way to start my birthday! I totally can relate to everything you said and, yes HATE trying on pants (although recently found some that fit great and bought more online – huge score!!). Love your writing Linda – always brings a smile /laugh to my face!

Shawna
Shawna
6 years ago

Seriously, who the hell brought back high-waisted skinny jeans and leggings? Didn’t we suffer enough in the 80s?

It must be a conspiracy: “Yoga pants: flattering and comfortable to all ages, body types, and sizes… better get rid of ’em before women start to think they don’t have to suffer for fashion.”

anne nahm
6 years ago

Adore you. That is all.

mcconk
mcconk
6 years ago

I am 50 and just in the last 6 months this GROSS thing grew right on my forearm. Like WTF, skin? I’mma make the dermatologist cut that bad boy off, oh yes I am.

I’m also with Jennifer up there with “what hurts now”. My hip starting aching recently after workouts! Yeesh.

Ter
Ter
6 years ago

So glad my son isn’t nursing right now, otherwise I’d have unintentionally given him a milkshake :) While I’m not giggling at those things, it’s the way you describe them. What I can look forward to…

Maggie
6 years ago

I am almost 13 years into this parenting gig and just the other day I (once again) wondered who the hell decided I was responsible enough to mother two kids. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing and these kids look at me like I know what’s what. Terrifying. Some mothers at my kids’ schools look like they truly have their shit together, like they are REAL adults. I cling to the hope that we are all really just faking it and getting by the best we can because otherwise I’m probably the only one screwing up here. Adulting, I’m doing it wrong.

Karl
Karl
6 years ago

Amen to the aches and pains. And the sagging. And the weight. I’m not quite 60, run and swim and all that tedious boring shit, and yet the half-pounds creep on. I suppose I should be terrified of what I would look like without the workouts, probably spherical. No matter what size waist I buy it’s too small, until it’s too big and falls off. wtf?

The other day my wife asked me to reach something on a high shelf, and it took me 10 seconds to get my arm up to something resembling vertical. The sad part is that I don’t even complain about the shoulder arthritis any more. Doesn’t everyone have bad shoulders? Doesn’t everyone have to get up to pee twice every night?

I don’t know that I ever felt like I was faking it, but I certainly did feel like the junior partner. That only changed recently, mostly because several small people call me Grandpa. Eh, can’t hear you sonny, can you speak a little louder?

sheilah
6 years ago

I just turned 60 *shudder* and I know that inside my head I don’t feel 60. That’s my mother’s age! Then it’s that old, catch-yourself-in-the-mirror glimpse. Who’s that old lady? Oh, yeah…

Kristi
Kristi
6 years ago

The knees. The sons a bitchin knees! Its like I have tiny ice machine set on crush every time I bend my left one. What IS that noise? Should I fix it? Is it actually broken? How soon are people gonna think my 3 year old is my granddaughter? I am 39 but that’s the new 60 right?
Linda, you are awesome.

Kristi
Kristi
6 years ago

Oh and two words for you. Grey Soup.

sooboo
6 years ago

Beige spinach, lol! That is pretty bad. I feel my age (44) when I go to music shows and stand for hours and hours. My back and feet are killing me when I get home. I’d put lotion on my feet but I’m worried I’ll wake up with them covered in cat hair!

Donna
Donna
6 years ago

Oh Linda — honestly, you’re either making me cry or laugh! Today – laughing so hard. I’m 66 so all the above? Half again as bad. And all of the comments are just as funny as your post. Hey, we’re all in this together. And the ones who seem to have-it-all-together? They gotta be fakin’ it because NOBODY’S that perfect!

Rachael
6 years ago

Hooves. My god, the hooves.

Nancy
Nancy
6 years ago

This made me laugh, thank you- all of it so true.

katie d.
6 years ago

I cannot stop laughing at both your post and the additional comments. I’m not quite 35 and I’m feeling ya big time, Sundry & Space Dog.

Melinda
Melinda
6 years ago

Oh Linda, so so funny. I laughed in that super attractive can’t catch my breath way. Yes, all of these things, yes. Thank you.

Em
Em
6 years ago

Yes. What is with all of the random skin things?

Thanks for this. I needed it today.

Lauren
Lauren
6 years ago

This post had me cracking up! Perfect timing for me… Just last week I sheepishly ended up at the doctor and had to get an x-ray because I injured myself in a bounce house. So apparently I’m too old for that now.

Becky
Becky
6 years ago

Every. Single. One.

Mary Clare
Mary Clare
6 years ago

Hahahaha! I was at the college kids clothing store yesterday because I like the styles. Turns out – what’s cute on the kids is pretty ruptured Pilsbury look on me. Fuck the pants!

Martha
Martha
6 years ago

Turned 50 this year. Yup. 50. Still not a grown up. Got a 7 year old to keep me young at heart.

Kimberly
Kimberly
6 years ago

This is so perfect. I am 40 in 6 weeks and I have no idea where to shop for casual clothes anymore. Last time I went to the mall the options were either Hippie or Whore. No, I do not need an extra 3 yards of fabric draped around me to add 10 lbs to my look, and no I do not need weird cutouts around my midsection either!!! Beyond Yoga has the greatest waistband ever for yoga pants. You pay dearly for them but it is some sort of anti-muffin top magic. I work out every day and am in really good shape but I miss the days when I didn’t have to add “for almost 40” to the end of “I look great!” Also- what are these lines on my face? No seriously. They appeared OVERNIGHT. And why do the new grey hairs that burst thru have to stick straight up?? I used to play the ‘blonde or grey?’ game but now I lose every time. But hey- I look great (for almost 40!)

Love your writing Linda.

Alison
Alison
6 years ago

Leopard print cheese. I’m…not sure that’s any better.

Is the feet thing related to age? I just do not remember devoting this much time to heel maintenance in my youth. If I let up for a moment, bam, Frodo. (Baby Foot Peel works wonders, but the peel process is definitely not pretty).

Judy
Judy
6 years ago

I just turned 73. My head is still 19. My body is 105.

I even discovered age spots on my arms. My French friend tells me that in France they refer to them as “cemetery flowers”, which is pretty, but hardly reassuring.

Belle
Belle
6 years ago

Loved the post; love the comments! I am 66 and just wondered yesterday what “good” things I had left. The slim ankles, thick hair, big doe-eyes, perky boobs……where did they go and who has them now? :)

Koa
Koa
6 years ago

At least you did a pushup recently.

annie
annie
6 years ago

I just found out all my skin things are harmless, so there is that. And fuck pants

Donna
Donna
6 years ago

So today was my birthday, well not today the first but today the 28th and fml. I am now 58. I feel great. I’m happy. But still do not feel like a grown up or even like I have a clue wtf I’m doing. Some days that’s ok. Some days it’s terrifying.

AmyQ
AmyQ
6 years ago

It’s been weeks since something made me laugh cause it was funny. I laugh at other peoples shitty wardrobe choices or the fool at the red light that eats my dust. But there aren’t a lot of funny people these days…. And I’m a bitch so there’s also that. You killed it with this post. Comedic genius I tell ya. It needs to go viral. Totally worthy. Hope life is well. Mines blah. 40 fucking blows. Xoxo

Jennifer
6 years ago

Purple Popcorn!

sara
sara
6 years ago

Beige spinach.. Omg you are just THE BEST. Lmao.

K
K
6 years ago

Agreed. Skinny jeans – I mean these things are not even flattering on Giselle for God’s sake. Also, I feel 40 and it feels bad when I look at other people who are 40 and think to myself, “well, I don’t look like THAT.” And then I check, and I do, in fact, look like THAT. SIGH.

Shawna
Shawna
6 years ago

Look at me with my “flowered enchilada”! Hot-cha-cha!

Angella
6 years ago

I’m just commenting…to say…I love you. And I mean it from the bottom of my heart.