Sep

2

The small coal of summer

Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment

Earlier this week I could smell the season shift in the air for the first time. It had been a smoky day from nearby fires (thankfully one of only a handful of truly unpleasant air quality days here in the Willamette valley, it was such a dry winter/spring I thought we’d be smoked in all summer long) and a cool breeze came in and whisked everything clean and left behind a feeling of change. Falling leaves, dropped fruit, lowered temperatures, daylight dwindling and casting new angles. It all felt good and right to me at that moment and I was glad for the feeling, because god, how I have been dreading the end of summer.

I really can’t say enough about how good this particular summer has been for me. It is a culmination of many things: the sunshine, the longer days, the warm but not sweltering weather, my suntanned skin, the joy of basking in Oregon’s beauty without bundling up. The blessed distance from divorce ground zero, a packed-full year of living on my own and all my newfound routines and habits. The way I am so much more settled in myself now after the flash-flood losses and changes of those first months. The good company I’ve had, the existing friendships that have deepened and the new people I’ve met. The ongoing pleasures of Billy and Mabel and how they have become such a funny little odd couple.

And, of course, the paddleboard. There has been something very profound about this paddleboard experience that I find hard to put into words. Maybe it’s as simple as feeling stronger physically and mentally from a hobby that requires activity and provides enjoyment and peace. But I feel like it runs deeper, the way it has built me up from the inside out.

Literally, in terms of core strength: I have new muscles that have done a world of good, improving my posture (and that alone is a Big Deal, I have always felt that pulling myself out of a droop juices my self confidence) and alleviating lower back pain. I can also dance better now! There is a sort of snakey chest-pop undulation I could never ever do before and now I can!

Also figuratively, in that I am proud of myself for taking on something brand new and being able to enjoy it on my own. I was paddling on a lake this past Sunday and when I got off the water and shlepped all my stuff to the parking lot and deflated the board with the pump and hefted everything into the trunk of my car I had a moment of WILL YOU LOOK AT THIS CAPABLE-ASS LADY JUST DOING HER THING.

Last summer I was so full of anxieties and doubts and the scariness of having my personal scaffolding getting blown to smithereens. Everything that was familiar to me and everything that felt like it made up my identity, gone. I had anticipated a slower adjustment and it all happened so fast, I had counted on certain things staying the same and nothing did.

There was a lot of turmoil and I know I did not bring my best self to the table in the face of so much change. I tried so hard to mitigate perceived damage that I likely caused more, I overshared, I felt terribly sorry for myself and so alone in my feelings.

The grace of time has led to healing and I swear that paddleboard has carried me to new internal perspectives. Every exploration is more than the waters I ride, it is a great swell of learning and rebuilding and, like … spiritual nutrition? Not in any specific religious sort of way, but rather a sense of deep connection. There is something about being sandwiched between water and sky, particularly when I lie on my back and can feel the float.

It is like knowing I actually belong in this world. It is like being held in cupped hands. It is like the scent of fall in the air this week, there is a rightness to it.

There is so much wrongness going on in our world, it can feel so overwhelming. This nightmare administration blasting us with an endless firehose of dismay, climate change rolling out inconceivable disasters on a daily basis, our country and culture crumbling away on all sides. And that’s the wide view, before I even start to focus in on my own personal heap of regrets and trials.

How dazzling it is to leave it all at the shoreline, how beautiful to be free on the waters and have only myself to contend with. My choices where to go, my decision when to leave.

Summer’s end will be bittersweet, but I will take this season with me. All of the good memories and experiences, all of the ways it has fed me. I’m standing taller now. I have better footing. I have let go of so much. I keep swallowing the small coal of courage.