Oct
28
We’ve had a bright and warm intro to fall but the grey wet skies have finally arrived and the crackly jewel-toned fallen leaves are on their way to becoming mushy piles of leftover Raisin Bran. It does feel more appropriately October now and I’m not entirely sorry about the vibe change, but I can definitely sense a shift in my own outlook. It is perhaps most accurate to say I feel less summery.
What’s next, is my main thought amongst the seasonal moodiness. Some of my routines have been uprooted lately and I’ve been casting out lines into the job-hunting waters and I have this great ball of dread in my chest about the midterms and everything seems on the cusp of potential change and yet things are also very much the same day in and day out in terms of pet care and house upkeep and plucking away surprisingly robust chin hairs. (Could I get some of that volume on my actual scalp, please?)
I am both worried about my long-term finances and finding it damn near impossible to make decisions that reflect the idea that there will in fact be a long term to contend with.
I’ve progressed in the labor of legal name-changing to the point of getting a new social security card and driver’s license, but I haven’t moved on to the next steps: banking, accounts, and so on.
My friend lost his dog a few days ago. She was hit by a car right in front of him and died in his arms. It’s not my loss but I was very fond of her and have been grappling with the capriciousness of life and death and trauma, how things can be upended in the blink of an eye. My sweet 96-year-old hospice patient also passed recently, a good death in that she had lived such a long and interesting life and things went quickly at the end with, I hope, very little suffering.
All lives end and we can’t know when and we can’t know how and it can happen any moment or not for a long long time and that is really a LOT to consider, maybe particularly in late October with the Winter Darkness lurking and my own life having been shaken up like an Etch-a-Sketch and everything ahead seeming so deeply unknowable.
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