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Archives from 2002-2006

Dylan and I have a saying, it’s something I keep telling him when he’s faced with the desire to give up when the going gets tough: We can do hard things. Whether it’s a pile of ignored homework or a hiking trail that takes a steep upward turn, sometimes you just have to set your jaw and lean into the hardness of a thing, because that’s what has to happen. The only way out is through.

I keep thinking of that phrase this week, as events continue to unfold across our country and we as individuals and as a nation react in our different ways. I had the great fortune to be at the coast for a couple days with my mom and aunt, and I could not have asked for a better environment for me personally — surrounded by people I love, whose opinions I value, with the opportunity to take ongoing breaks from processing and conversation to experience the great calming presence of the ocean.

I keep thinking of the quote that’s been going around which reads in part,

So while I agree with people who say no one is born racist, it remains a powerful system that we’re immediately born into. It’s like being born into air: you take it in as soon as you breathe. It’s not a cold that you can get over. There is no anti-racist certification class. It’s a set of socioeconomic traps and cultural values that are fired up every time we interact with the world. It is a thing you have to keep scooping out of the boat of your life to keep from drowning in it. I know it’s hard work, but it’s the price you pay for owning everything.

The boat of my life is so heavy right now. It feels as though there are so many things I have had to keep scooping out of it in the last couple months to keep from going under. I feel such a soul-deep weariness, a desire to just set the paddles down and allow myself to be taken where the angry currents take me.

At the same time, I see with clarity the privilege of that choice, the shameful ease of deciding I am not fit for the fight.

On my last night at the beach I walked the long winding path from our hotel to the beach, and as sunset approached and the wind grew bitter I started running, just to stay warm. I ran and ran and ran along soft then packed sand, my footsteps sometimes sinking and sometimes supported. It was exhilarating and exhausting at the same time, my lungs burning but my breathing deep, my body aching but wildly alive. The ocean pounded in my ears along with my heartbeat, the sky and sand were like cupped hands that pressed the world in around me.

I don’t know how to find some sort of healthy balance between staying informed and spending nearly every waking moment of my day reading the news. I don’t know how to navigate a pandemic when so many of the people that I care about don’t believe the pandemic is something to be concerned about. I don’t know how to guide my children to stand up and fight racism when I myself have done such a poor job of leading by example. I don’t know how to conquer my addictive behaviors when I keep succumbing to the siren call of changing or muting my emotional channels with food, substances, doom scrolling.

I only know that I can do hard things. I have to do the hard things, I have to both live in my truth and work to improve myself. I have to keep choosing to stay in the moment and face the discomfort and educate myself on how to do better.

There’s no shortcut to anything right now. The only way out is through.

Pretzel Crisps. A cracker/pretzel combo that is entirely pleasing from start to finish. Thin and crunchy, the perfect amount of salty. Can be consumed quietly during dramatic parts of a movie with the right chewing strategy.

Triscuit. A longtime classic snack, now comes in a baffling variety of flavors and textures but the Deli Rye option is the best, I will fight you on this. Delightful ability to bite off pieces in perfect lines. This otherwise perfect cracker has the one downside of being incredibly filling in a sneaks-up-on-you way so the potential for post-consumption regret is high.

Crunchmaster Multi-Seed Crackers. Actual copy from the website: “Specially crafted to pair with all your favorite flavors like artisan cheeses, hummus, seafood, soups and salad” LOLOLOL anyway obviously you are eating these in salty fistfuls directly from the bag. (Artisan cheeses!) Incredibly loud and crunchy so you’ll want something equally loud on the TV, I recommend Mad Max: Fury Road.

Paleo Puffs. These weirdly delicious snacks are shaped sort of like Cheeto Puffs (or giant grubs, or packing peanuts) but have a dense almost chewy texture. The Himalayan Salt flavor is my favorite, although the Honey Roasted ones are quite good too. While I do not eat these for their reportedly healthy ingredients, they do offer a smug factor: Sure, I’m on my third bowl, but they’re paleo.

Those Peanut Butter-Filled Crackers That Come in a Big-Ass Tub from Target or Costco. Absolutely DEADLY in their tastiness. Like, I cannot be controlled around these things. Holy shit.

Quaker Oatmeal Squares cereal, Brown Sugar flavor. Not technically a snack I guess fuck it, in the pandemic there are no snack rules. This cereal is far superior when consumed without milk, and if you happen to have some peanut butter handy for dipping each piece in, well who am I to stop you. Another snack that is super loud, so you know what, just go ahead and turn on closed captioning and leave it that way, which seems like a boomer move but is actually life changingly awesome.

Mary’s Gone Crackers. The original or Super Seed flavor are both good. The only snack on this list that I am likely to limit myself to a single serving while eating, because they’re tasty, but in an earthy, wholesome way. Extremely loud crunch factor, not particularly salty but very flavorsome. You’ll want some floss at the ready for afterwards.

Boom Chicka Pop. The Sweet and Salty Kettle Corn flavor is where it’s at, although if you want to feel slightly more virtuous the “Light” Kettle Corn is very good too. The absolute ideal combo of saltiness, crunch (but like, a soft crunch), and sweet. There is literally no full factor to this popcorn so do yourself a favor and be prepared with a second bag.

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