Mar
24
I have purchased a new laptop, which I REALLY did not want to do but my MacBook is almost 10 years old and the battery is both weak and increasingly fickle. Hey, what if I just up and died mid-sentence even though the display indicated I had some life left, is the vibe. I mean: relatable. But not very helpful for being able to use it without a power source nearby.
I want something I can count on, because among other things I think I’m going to join a writing workshop! Even though eek people eek. There’s a local place that has ongoing workshops that are simply for accountability; you’re not writing from a group prompt or anything, you’re all writing your own things but sticking to a routine.
I could definitely use some structure and motivation with writing and that sounds quite nice. I’ve also investigated photos of the place and there does not seem to be a handy outlet at each station for pale, trembling Victorian-era laptops.
I confess I have long been scared of writing groups, and I can’t really explain why. Well, we can start with a sturdy base of social anxiety, then maybe layer on a rich creamy spread of writer’s block anxiety, sprinkle in the fear of both criticism and criticizing, and finish with a bright citrus drizzle of worrying that a pleasurable hobby with no oversight will become an deadline-ridden chore. So I guess that largely explains it! Also hmmm I may have skipped lunch.
Years ago I did an online writing group and it was just terrific, so I need to just unclench and give something new a whirl. This would be a nice baby step with no group readings or review, just writing in a dedicated setting with other writers. And now that I’ve told you, I will feel like a giant chicken if I don’t go, so that is my own little motivator.
Because of the battery situation I have gotten out of the habit of using my laptop unless I specifically have a writing task, or a purchase that feels like it must be done from the Larger Screen rather than my phone. I used to start my day with the laptop, go through some news and whatnot before settling into some tasks, and I have noticed that not doing so has led to a lonnnnnnnnggggg doomscroll/caffeine sesh each morning.
Phone scrolling is deeply addictive by design, using a computer and clicking around on different things is far less time-sucky in my experience. It feels more intentional — less like a mindless algo-driven thing delivering 24/7 stress and distraction via digital IV drip. So here’s hoping a better system helps lead to some better routines.
Mar
19
Let’s talk about HRT, baby, let’s talk about you and me ♬
I decided to try HRT again, specifically the estrogen patch. I have tried the patch before, not for any great length of time, and stopped doing so because it seemed like it was linked to an ongoing very unpleasant headache. I remember initially thinking the headache was caused by [insert random possibility] and tried all sorts of things like drinking more water, stopping Advil in case it was rebound headaches, etc, then finally concluding it was the patch, which I peeled off while mucking out Little Joe’s stall and dramatically hurled into a pile of manure.
WAS it the patch? I guess I will find out, with round two.
I wasn’t sure I was noticing any benefits to speak of, aside from an ummmm renewal of the ladygarden areas, which I have since addressed with a topical cream. (The cream works gangbusters, by the way.) But I wasn’t really having any dramatic hormonal symptoms to address, either.
I kinda figured I was all done with any hormone buffoonery — I’m 52, and it’s been well over a year since any kind of evident cycle. But did you know that being officially in menopause does NOT mean the bullshit party is over?? Even after years of perimenopause??? I did not know this and I would like to speak with the manager of women’s health because come the fuck on.
So anyway, I’ve been having the worst night sweats lately. Have you seen that terrific video of the Scottish mom lighting up her kids because they didn’t flush? DISGUSTEN!!! That’s how it feels to keep waking up in a clammy, slimy wet mess of damp sheets and slippery skin: disgusten.
Of course night sweats could be caused by something more dire that has yet to reveal itself, I love a good opportunity for some catastrophic/it’s-a-zebra-not-a-horse thinking! But it’s more likely that it’s hormonal fluctuations, especially for how I can feel perfectly temperate one moment and raging with heat the next.
If we’re going to be living in the worst of timelines, at least this one has telehealth options. It is very easy, if not inexpensive, to order HRT without having to deal with begging a doctor for a prescription. (Ditto bupropion and retinol.) I have some patches on their way to me now, and barring any repeat headaches, I plan to give them a longer shot this time. Not only would I love to get through the night without self-immolating but I am quite hopeful for some of the other touted benefits like thicker hair.
I really went back and forth and back and forth about HRT initially. It’s like, do I want to monkey with a normal, natural process that my body is going through? On the other hand, what if that normal natural process just plain sucks and is directly linked to negative outcomes like bone loss, risk of heart disease, body composition changes (I was already an apple shape, sob), and whack mental health?
It’s all so fraught and of course made more complicated by a patriarchal medical system that did shitty inaccurate HRT research years ago and then just like … never updated any recommendations after that?? It feels like an area of women’s life that is just archaic in terms of treatment and open discussion. “Whoah there little lady sounds like you’ve got a case of the Mondays. Have you tried smiling?”
Anyway, I got the meds from Winona. I also use Hers for retinol and generic Wellbutrin and Minoxidil (that last one has produced very few noticeable benefits but I keep hoping).
Anyone out there with a good HRT experience to share? I guess I’d rather not hear about the terrible no-good very bad experiences.
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